by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Actually, I was disappointed that the last thing I wrote actually got like half positive e-mails.  What happened to 90% I Want to Kill Johnny D. Ratio from my earlier articles?  Are those fuckwads who I'm trying to bait not even readin' me anymore?  Am I not worth their trouble?

Well, you people are still here, so let me see if I can annoy the piss out of you.  

So you liked it when I said "Size does matter" last time?  You appreciated my honesty when I talked about Brock Lesnar bein' a future champion and Eddie Guerrero being a future nothin'?  So I'm thinkin' the best way to piss you folks off is to reverse my opinion.

Well, not totally, cause all of what I said last time I still believe.  But size is not the only thing that matters, which is something I realized after watching Monday's Raw.

I read Scaia's thing yesterday, and he said somethin' along the lines of "You take a guy who's not over and turn him heel to join a group that's not over and you can't expect it to help either of them."  I don't know, it was something like that.  My point is that our boss here has a fuckin' gift for understatement with shit like that.  Either that, or he just lacks the balls to say what he really thinks.

Don't even get me started on the NWO.  That group shoulda died for good by 1997 or so, and WCW did it no favors by milkin' it for as long as they could.  By takin' it back to its roots with Hogan, Hall, and Nash, the WWF might have had somethin'.  But of course, they tank it by replacin' Hogan with X-Pac after just a month or so.  Fuckin' X-Pac!  

Somewhere, some moron is probably thinkin' that X-Pac in the NWO brings X-Pac up to another level.  Hey, dipshit, X-Pac in the NWO does nothin' 'cept bring the NWO down about three levels.  He may be able to have the best matches of the group, but he's also the one who can do the shittiest interviews and the gayest karate poses.  Fuck it, the NWO is officially dead.

Triple H or maybe Shawn Michaels coulda saved it, but now it might be too late.

So is Big Show the savior?  Hell no, because the Big Show is more than just not over.  He's also not good.  I don't know, maybe the two are related.  I don't give wrestling fans a whole lot of credit, but maybe some of 'em are actually smart enough to realize the Big Show is not good, and so they don't respond to him.

Back in the day, Andre the Giant wasn't very good, either.  But he was really big at a time before bein' six-foot four-inches was almost a requirement to be a wrestler, so he actually looked like a fuckin' giant.  That counted for somethin'.

Big Show might speak better English than Andre, which you might think would make him a bigger star, but instead, all he's got going for him is his size.  Just like Andre.  But today, Big Show isn't really that much bigger than everyone else.  

He's just big, tubby, and slow.

So maybe I don't even have to write anything to get my point across.  I'm wastin' my time tryin' to reinvent the fuckin' wheel here, when I know that either Gorilla Monsoon or Jesse The Body, I forget which one of 'em, always said it best, "A good big man will always beat a good little man."  That's exactly what I meant to say last time, that if you're a good big man, then you'll win titles and be a superstar.  

But if you're the Big Show, you'll watch fans give up the extra inch or two to watch Kane or the Undertaker have good matches, instead of watchin' the guy who really is seven foot tall lurch around like Frankenstein.

And dammit, apparently if you're five-foot-nine and from El Paso, Texas, you get to win titles, too.  Eddie fuckin' Guerrero wins the Intercontinental Title.  Just to make me look like an asshole, I bet.

Still, the fact that Big Show will be in main events before Guerrero proves my theory about being a big man in the WWF.  I just hope my theory about the Big Show being a shitty big man makes it clear that I'm not happy about it.

Ta ta.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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