by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I'll say this, though: I been watchin' less wrestlin' than I used to.  Maybe one night a week, either Raw or Smackdown.  And hardly ever any of that shit on the weekends.  I used to watch it all.  Now, it's easier for me to come on here a couple times a week and let Scaia tell me what's goin' on that's important than it is for me to watch this shit myself.

It ain't like I ain't followin' what's goin' on, but damned if I care about it like I used to.  Take that fer whatever it's worth.  Johnny Average Fan, the guy Scaia brought in cuz he's not a super serious internet guy, ain't watchin' as much wrestlin' as he used to.

I'll leave it to the super serious internet guys to decide what's wrong and why I ain't watchin', cuz all I really want to talk about here is two of the things missin' from wrestling since I did my last one of these things.

First, what the fuck is up with WWE?  WWE?!?  Plain and simple, that's a pussy-ass soundin' name, and I don't like it.

And second, did Stone Cold Steve Austin lose his fuckin' mind or what?  Hey, I realize it ain't easy when you think people around you ain't doin' their job right, and it ain't easy when your bitch gets all mouthy with you.  But that ain't no excuse to walk out on your boss or to slap your wife around.  Johnny D ain't no saint, but he knows that much.

So I was sittin' here thinking about this stuff, and I realized somethin':  I think I miss the "F" in WWF a lot more than I miss Steve Austin.  

Then I thought some more, cuz Johnny D don't think so fast sometimes, and I realized I could probably do one of these commentary things about that, since I hadn't done one in so long.  So that just about brings us up to where I am in my thought process right now.

Here's some of my reasons:

One.  No more of this fuckin' "What?" bullshit.  'Nuff said.

Two.  If Steve Austin doesn't do anything interesting for a week or two, you just don't talk about him.  If he goes away for a month, you can start to forget him.  But if you're like me, and you sometimes talk about wrestling with people, you were saying "WWF" all the time.  Now, I get on a roll, and one of these jag-offs always interrupts and says to me, "Don't you mean WWE, Johnny?" and I just want to haul off and break their fuckin' nose.  WWE, my ass.  Those wildlife assholes need to get their dicks out of the pandas and their heads back in real life, where they'd realize that what Vince McMahon does has abso-fuckin'-lutely nothin' to do with them.  And seriously, don't ever interrupt me to tell me I shoulda said "WWE."  Seriously.

Three.  I don't know if it was before or after my last commentary thing, but Steve Austin had a really shitty match with the Undertaker about 2 pay-per-views ago.  If he was pissed off and only gonna do shitty work like that, then fine, let him go.  I won't miss him.

Four.  Even if I could break my habit and start saying "WWE," I wouldn't want to.  I'm not shittin' you.  I just sounds gay to me.

Five, Six, and Seven.  Rob Van Dam, Booker T, and Goldust probably would still be ridin' pine if Austin was still here hoggin' the babyface spotlight.  I'm happy to see all three of 'em doing somethin' bigger now that Austin's hissy-fit has left the opening.  That Goldust may be fruitier than a three dollar bill, but he makes me laugh.

And that's about all the reasons I can think of right now.  But you get the point.  I want the "F" back, but Austin can stay at home as long as he wants fartin' out Coors clouds.

Some other thoughts:

RVD, Booker and Goldust are doin' good since Austin left, but I could do without Jeff Hardy in main events.  He's also fruitier than all hell, but he doesn't make me laugh.  I guess he makes an ass kickin' look good, but I don't think that makes him world champion material.

Paul Heyman: either get a fuckin' haircut or sew that Yankees lid to your skull.

This Canadian thing they're doin' with Storm, Christian, and Test needs either Edge or Jericho to round out the group.  Storm and Christian have good matches, but Test is a waste of space and they need that one main event guy to make them a real force.  Edge turnin' on Hogan could be great.

Where is Ray Mysterio already?  The only interesting cruiserweights are the heels.  Tajiri always seems like he's really kickin' ass, and I think Jamie Knoble's gimmick is primo.  And Nidia, she may not steal the show when you put her up on a shelf next to the other WWF babes, but Johnny D thinks that if you were gonna stop lookin' and take one of them down off the shelf for a night's work, she might be the one.

Am I supposed to relate to Johnny the Bull?  Stupid hats, Italian flags, and "Fuhgetaboudit?" is supposed to appeal to me?  I'd rather have Tommy Rich back as a Full Blooded Italian.  Now that shit was funny.

Between Batista and Lesnar, the only difference I see is who they got doin' their talkin' for them.  People actually care enough about Heyman to boo him, so Lesnar's doin' good.  But D'Von Dudley with his preacher gimmick is just so stupid that Batista's never gonna latch on the same way.

How many of you dorks stained your jockeys when Chris Benoit came back?  It's been over a month now, and I still ain't seen anything that impressive outta the guy.  Must be the ring rust, right?  His buddy, Eddie Guerrero, on the other hand, is cuttin' some killer promos.  Johnny D mighta been wrong about Eddie.

You people can have your Benoit.  My pick for the best wrestler out there today is Kurt Angle, cuz I think he's just as good as Benoit, athletically, but he also knows how to entertain the fans.  Show me someone else who could have milked that retarded wig gimmick for a whole month, and kept it funny the whole time.

I ain't sheddin' no tears for Kevin Nash, but it sucks what happened to him.  I think Scaia's actually right.  Without Nash, the NWO is kind of a stupid concept, so there's a shitload of storylines right down the crapper.  With Nash, you coulda kept the stories, but you woulda gotten a bunch of shitty matches to go along with them, though.  I guess it's a toss up.

See you bastards again whenever I get around to it.  Probably, it'll be another 2 months, and I'll be down to just watchin' the pay-per-views.

Ta ta.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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