by sayitan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Okay folks this is where I talk about the week in fake wrestling. Not too much to get into this week, as I'm totally ignoring NWA:TNA and other various news items.

I guess a quick re-introduction is in order, as I was formerly OO's resident Smackdown guy for a couple of months. I'm back as a semi-regular, looking to contribute to what I believe is one of the best pro wrestling sites on the net, minus the attitude and delusions of some other sites, maybe 411, maybe not. Maybe Eric S. likes girls, who knows.

THIS WEEK'S 411 MOMENT: Hey guys, I'm about to talk about pro wrestling but first let's get into my personal life. My father beat me and my mother never loved me. I need to take pills because I have random panic attacks of an ambiguous nature, most likely due to poor health, anxiety and depression. I get lots of e-mails from the readers. I also have a girlfriend - LOL we went on a crazy trip to Las Vegas! I ate at McDonald's and it rawked. Now here's a review from a guy who gives everything *****, and calls matches "awesome" three times in one paragraph. Good!

Onto the rasslin'.

RAW

The subtle Bishoff swipe to start the show was a lot more effective than Stephanie's garish intro. It's like, "LOOK INTO THE FACE OF DEPRAVITY!", very euro-stylish.

RVD and Hardy were having what was quite easily their best singles match together, but for some reason they only had 6 minutes or so. It would have made more sense to me if this match was roughly twice that length, so as to ensure some "retaining of heat" for Jeff Hardy. But "heat" and "Hardy" go together about as well as "straight" and "Hyatte". Rob's laugh upon seeing the ladder draped across Jeff's skull is priceless.

The Rock/Guerrero stuff was classic. Eddie is so old-school, it's like pre-old-school. And anyone complaining about the non-title stip should realize Guerrero is going out there asking for a title shot with no recent credentials. So it was reasonable of him to be granted a shot at a title shot, whereas an actual shot at the title may not have been as warmly received by The Rock. Furthermore, that makes the match just as exciting to the viewer, because Guerrero is going all-out for a chance to take the gold. See? It's all simple in a really long-winded way. No need to publicly mark out over the Rock Bottom reversal, as it's been done all over the net.

Benoit and Booker was like watching the Best of 7 in slow mo, but still not bad considering Benoit's time off. Now we'll have to see if Benoit is up for what could be a monumental feud with RVD.

I thought the DX bit was extremely well-done. Anyone who thinks otherwise has to ask themselves if there's really any better way to put major league heat into a brand new angle in just one segment. I think this new era's mentality is getting to the point, which is fine if handled correctly. Long, drawn-out angles have been disastrous for WWE as of late.

Overall, a great RAW. Feel the love!

SMACKDOWN

I could have sworn the Kurt Angle/Mark Henry match was coming along swimmingly before the Brock run-in. And so that settles it - Angle can carry a cold, rotting beef carcass to a ** match. The "Eric" angle involving Eric Angle was pretty sweet, too. Can you spot the Jay Bower-approved joke?

Having The Deacon in WWE seriously undermines Brock's character. They're both huge motherfuckers with huge motherfucking tattoos and big power moves. They're both silent (for the most part) but deadly. Do I need to draw a fucking diagram? Rob Van Dam isn't going to be taken quite as seriously if some guy in a ponytail shows up, has a seizure in the ring, then takes a huge bong hit. Having The Deacon and Brock on the SAME show makes it even more ridiculous, so there's really no way to satisfactorily resolve this without Brock sending The Deacon to hell, and by "hell" you know I mean underneath the ring, courtesy of an "F5 to hell". "OH MAH GOD! F5 TO HELL! TITTIES!"

Good to see the Canadian experiment move along, with Christian and Storm taking on all American comers, plus a few Canadians and Mexicans. What's a good story without convolution? Hey, if you want to see something really funny, I mean LOL2002 funny, check out Scott Keith's recent recaps where he - get this - writes about how everyone cheats except the Canadians! LOL because he's Canadian! OMG LOL. It's like "Hogan, poor sportsman, breaks up the count at two and ROBS the Canadians of their rightful victory." LOL because get it? Because he pretends like there's a conspiracy and it's funny! Delicious. Mr. Keith, you really are tops.

Simply put, I thought Rey's debut could not have been handled any better. Maybe if he tore Chavo's heart out after the pin and raised it high above his head. A *** match, easily, with an impressive list of staple lucha maneuvers, and some moves that are completely brand new to WWE: the backwards hop-over cradle, the Gory Special 2000, the chest-first slide out of the ring, and the swinging kick to the face. In conclusion - MOTHAFUCKIN TOPE CON HILO!

Edge's second cage match in a very short period of time came off flat. A lot like the first match with Angle, with one big "holy shit" moment (the Electric Chair off the top rope) and a lot of desperate climbing. Once again, no gimmick-appropriate high spots like the RAW ladder series, unless you count Rey's post-match flying cross-body. John Cena, though impressive in the ring, bores me to death. I need more to work with than just "never say die" attitude. It seems to me they should have painted this guy up or put him in some kind of outfit or something. Perhaps something in red?

I have no idea who the defector is. Maybe Hogan. Maybe not. Hey remember when Kurt Angle defected from WWF to The Alliance? But really he didn't, because apparently he was a mole and he infiltrated The Alliance with the goal to sabotage the team at Survivor Series. Remember when Kurt Angle was WCW US Champion? Dean Malenko once held the WCW US Championship.

THE WEEK AHEAD

I'd really like to be a lot more cynical than I'm being - but I really dig the way things are shaping up at the moment. RAW looks tremendous, with a recently updated card that includes Rock v. Flair, RVD v. Benoit and Booker T. v Eddie. To me, that's a recipe for some sweet in-ring action, and you can bet the "defector" drama, along with the unresolved issues with Rhyno and Triple H, put the icing on the cake.

Oh, and here's a tip for weekend WWE viewing - Velocity and Heat are looking better than ever. Velocity had Kidman/Noble, Tajiri/Mike Awesome (!), and Shannon Moore's debut. Heat almost had an ECW triple play in the form of victories for Steven Richards, Raven, and Justin Credible's loss at the hands of Goldust. Bradshaw retained the Hardcore title in a match with Johnny the Bull, and I found it - get this - totally amusing! Yes, the weed is being kind to me. Here's hoping this week's action is on the same level.

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