Okay folks, this is where I talk about the week in pro wrestling. For the last two weeks, I’ve been providing a barebones edition of “The Week”, but no more. What you’re getting here is the final version of the column, and all future columns will be similarly structured. Sincerely, me.

FROM THE MAILBAG (ONE TIME, SCOTSMAN MADE A REALLY BAD JOKE ABOUT THIS HEADLINE)

Hey Eitan. Glad to see you back.

People read Hyatte for the same reason they tune in to Howard Stern -- extreme outrageousness with enough truth to make it palatable.

They read Eric Skuzlewski for the same reason teenagers go to see the monkey in the zoo: to see where he'll fling his own crap next. Knowing he works in the meatpacking industry makes me want to go Vegan. Someone in his delicate mental condition really should surround himself with more positive things. A close-up view of a soul in torment. Sad, really.

Anyway, keep the faith, bro.

Later,

JIM

Hello JIM. Hyatte as Howard Stern? That’s an insult to the King. I’ve decided to give up my issues with 411, since taking potshots at 30-something, overweight pro wrestling fans just isn’t worth my precious, youthful time. Hey, I’ll quit this shit at 25, I guarantee it. Honest. If anyone wants to have some fun, try to track down Hyatte and talk him up about his weight. The guy goes positively batty. Or should I say…fatty? LOL2002 indeed.

While I've enjoyed your columns, I do have one question for you. WHY in heaven's name do you feel the need to use swear words every other sentence? It just makes you come off as an undereducated dimwit. I don't expect you to change your writing style because of this letter; in all honesty, I'm fairly sure that you'll read it, swear, and ashcan it. I just had to say it, I'm afraid. Good luck, -Eric

Eric, I’m hurt. You honestly thought I was going to read it, swear, and ashcan it?

WITHOUT FUCKING WITH YOU?

No, seriously. I take all reader feedback very seriously. That’s the whole point of doing this column, really. I went through last week’s (substantially) shorter edition of “The Week” and counted 5 “swear” words, and that’s including two instances involving “ass”. C’mon! You hear more swearing going to and from work or school every day. Let’s get real, now. I have to defer to RVD here and say a lot of things involving the words “relax”, “dude” and “whatever”.

411 MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

“Welcome back to YET another edition of the Smarks News-Center, the column that's chalk full of more hilarity than a luchador in moon-shoes trying to retrieve the boomerang that has inadvertidly landed on mom's roof!. A big thank you for once again clicking on the bright yellow title of my column, it is much appreciated as always guys.”

Who the fuck talks like this? Who the fuck writes like this? Do us a favor – go to a Creed concert and stay there, forever. Guess who wrote the above and you’re entered into a contest for a free WCW sticker pad that features WCW Superstars Ric Flair, Konan, Diamond Dallas Page, Sting, Bret Hart, Goldberg, Kevin Nash and Hollywood Hogan (also WCW/nWo logo). As a bonus, I personally drew a Hebrew Star of David on Goldberg’s forehead.

Onward to the week’s worth of rasslin’…

RAW

Well, it looks like my high hopes for RAW this week were a little TOO HIGH (RVD 4:20). But then, I couldn’t really foresee the Triple H vehicle the show would become. Any opportunity for the UnAmericans to advance their storyline disappeared as soon as this lame “main event interview” was given the green light. Jericho/RVD, supported by a sensational promo and the “battle to become Mr. Monday Night” subtitle, is given about 8 meager minutes. Scott Keith was so outraged he gave it **. The bottom line is Triple H screwed the show up on 25 different levels, then kidnapped and molested its daughter.

I’m perfectly fine with the Big Show/Dudleys feud, so long as Bubba ends up on top. Don’t doubt it – Show’s character is damaged beyond repair, in my estimation. Also in my estimation – get Tommy Dreamer in there with workers on a higher level than Bradshaw, and watch the bumping machine go.

Quite frankly, the the Lillian Garcia/Sgt. Slaughter stuff was just as guilty as Triple H of robbing time away from Jericho/RVD. The Slaughter thing had TONS of potential, but anyone who saw Wrestlemania X7 should know that the mere act of sustaining life stresses Slaughter’s system to its max. And while we’re on it, what’s with Test? Yes, it’s been established he’s an asshole. He almost raped Trish, beat up some refs, and he kicked Slaughter in the face. Now give the guy some big singles victories.

The tag match with Booker T. and Goldust was quite the pleasant surprise. Nowtizki almost shot it to hell, but Dustin and Regal went OLD SCHOOL (SLANG). Very cool match the likes of which you don’t see every week. Justin Baisden played with his breasts during this. I am very much feeling the Booker/Goldust vibe.

Lawler ruined the Victoria/Trish match, plain and simple. Lawler reminds me a lot of Benny Hill, so I generally don’t give him much flack for the dumb shit he does. Hey, imagine if Lawler took JR’s hat off and started slapping him like that old man? Oh shit, that’s good.

Jericho/RVD…a couple of guys with plenty going for them and no where to take it. You’ve got Triple H on RAW, and he’s feuding with a cripple. What’s the matter, Trips? Afraid RVD will expose you as the Lex Luger you truly are? Regardless, the two put on another great (and pointless) match – the second in a row that involves Ric Flair, for those keeping track. Flair/Jericho is nice and easy enough…but do we really need to endure watching Flair put over another weak opponent?

Yes, the “Main Event Interview” was surreal. It made no sense. It kept going and going. It was anti-climactic. It went to Pakistan and threw a grenade at a Church. Here’s more on it:

FIGHT CLUB

Did they mention it's going to be "a fight"? Shawn/Triple H at Summerslam is shaping up to be the most vile, toasty warm piece of crap served up so far in 2002, and that's saying a lot. It joins Brock Lesnar/Rocky on what is so far a, shall we say, dubious card at best (kudos to the marketing geniuses behind BROCK/ROCK/COCK/etc.). Let's toss in the return of Kane in a tag match involving The Undertaker and you can see where I'm heading with this one. Here are a list of possible outcomes in the

MEGA CLIQUE POWERS FIGHT (NO WRESTLING ALLOWED) 2002:

-Triple H, center of the ring, clutching his leg and screaming for sweet mercy from God.

-Shawn Michaels, center of the ring, clutching his leg and screaming for sweet mercy from God.

-Kevin Nash, center of the ring, hugging both men in a tearful reunion, clutching his leg and screaming for sweet mercy from God.

-sayeitan, at home, clutching his penis and screaming for pale, anorexic lesbians at SCOTSMANALITY.COM!

-Scott Keith, at home, clutching a bowl of chili and screaming for psychology.

-A double disqualification/countout/pinfall/submission/check for 50,000 and Caribbean cruise/facial on Stephanie McMahon.

-20 minutes with which you can decide if it's time to move on from pro wrestling. May I suggest a regular sex life?

And wouldn’t all of this stuff be a little more satisfying if Michaels wasn’t running around kicking people in the face? What if, instead of hotshotting the angle, Michaels could have at least established himself as a “nice guy”? We’re supposed to forgive this guy for being a cocky, arrogant asshole who attacks fan favorites and cheer him on at Summerslam? That’s a lot of crap to swallow.

IN THE AISLES WITH R-V-D (AKA HYPOCRISY)

That’s right, I’m giving in and going the way of the Generic Internet Wrestling Journalist. Movies! I like ‘em, you like ‘em, I’m going to assume you want to hear my opinion on them. From this point on, I’ll only include this section on Scotsmanality.com, so I won’t be forcing it upon you. At the very least, you can rest easy knowing I've come up with a really lame, contrived wrestling element. I list the last 5 movies I've seen, and in addition to possibly recommending the film, I also issue a Rob Van Dam-approved level of reefer additives best employed to enjoy the film. The levels are equated with the impact of RVD's signature maneuvers - none, low/medium (Rolling Thunder), high (Five Star Frogsplash), and Fubar (Van Terminator). If you ever see "SABU" roll on through, then you'll need a lot more than simple reefer, if you smell what I'm smoking.

-AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER: Yes, it was the same shit all over again, and yes, the Goldmember character is as integral to the plot as the rest of the film (see: non-integral). But I still found myself laughing. It's best not to think too hard about this one, because you pretty much know what you're getting when you come into it. Not surprisingly, the Foxy Cleopatra character is a total write-off, making me think this was almost deliberate career homicide for Biance. For the real deal, check out TNT Jackson, a blaxploitation kung-fu flick featuring the same character, but with real street attitude and the ability to kick ass in the buff. Recommended only as a last-ditch rental. RVD factor: Rolling Thunder.

-BURIAL GROUND: Sweet, sweet European horror. I really don't get the flack this movie is always taking. Dismissed by many as a blatant Romero rip-off in the tradition of Fulci, it's actually a crowd-pleaser that features some pretty nifty zombie effects, an incestuous tryst, beautiful Spanish breasts and buckets (buckets!) of gore. 10 minutes into the film and everyone's fucking while zombies gather for a good old fashioned slaughter. The kicker is that the victims are so obnoxious, you're rooting for the zombies to come up with innovative ways to spill blood...and do they ever deliver. They're like the "City of the Walking Dead" zombies but with a more relaxed attitude. The new DVD release features plenty of cool stuff, like interviews and trailers for films like "Spasmo" and "Eaten Alive". Wholesome fun for all. Highly recommended for genre fans, recommended for anyone looking for a good time. RVD factor: Five Star Frogsplash.

-HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE: One of those films I had to be dragged to, kicking and screaming. Turns out it's a delightful fairy tale with some great performances (among them, the always nefarious Alan Rickman). Not my usual cup of tea, but I'm thinking it doesn't get any better than this for the kids. It weights in at 150 minutes but doesn't drag at all. My favorite chunk of the film was the short (but wonderfully scripted) period in which Harry struggles with his abusive adopted family. Recommended if you don't mind the occasional cute flick. RVD factor: none, or Rolling Thunder if you insist.

-SCHRAMM: 60 minute German film about a doll-fucking homicidal maniac in love with a prostitute. You're either on this wavelength or you're not. I found it all a little gratuitous, and the promising Eraserhead-like paranoid atmosphere never really influences any kind of satisfying conclusion. Watch for some incredible editing tricks and beautifully framed shots on a shoestring budget. If "editing" and "framed shots" are homo-speak to you, then move on. Can't really recommend it unless you're a die-hard gorehound, or you're Jay Bower having a prank played on you by your way-cool frat buddies. RVD factor: Five Star Frogsplash.

-SUPER TROOPERS: I psyched myself up for this one thinking that the trailer was promising enough, and a healthy dose of "Five Star Frogsplash" would add to the overall effect. Unfortunately, it falls flat on its face like most other troupe-produced features, proving Monty Python really is one of a kind. "Wet Hot American Summer" is definitely a notch above this cobbled-together crap, but like some of its other predecessors it certainly has its moments. The opening and closing skits featuring some college stoners are hilarious ("he's already pulled over! He can't pull over anymore!"), but the rest of the movie never had a chance at keeping up. RVD factor: step it up to Van Terminator and hope for the best.

Coming next week: On video, “Best in Show”, in the theatres, “Signs”, and from my vault, “Short Night of Glass Dolls”, “Penitentiary 2” and “Story of Ricky”.

SMACKDOWN

This show continues to be weighed down by a LOT of crap, like Stephanie and the strange group of extraneous wrestlers that go nowhere (Rikishi, D-Von, Batista, Mark Henry, Kidman, Hurricane, Chuck and Billy). Good thing there’s a lot of talent on the other side. RIGHT ON!

Shannon Moore…sweet aerial maneuvers. Pretty gay, though.

3 in a row. Chris Benoit wrestlers 3 *** matches in a row. Plus, this one could have gone on for another 10 minutes with no problem at all. Unbelievable finish, and you’d never have guessed a Kurt Angle/Mysterio feud would have come of it. That feud = **** guaranteed. Put 5 of my favorite workers in the ring along with an up-and-comer and I’m there. Benoit is unstoppable, and apparently he’s working hurt. Real hurt. He deserves his own ***** section.

CHRIS BENOIT REVISITED

It’s no secret I can’t get enough Chris Benoit on TV. It’s also no secret I think Chris Jericho has, and has been for as long as I can recall, incredibly overrated. When the two switched up shows last week, it really made no sense, but more importantly, it meant less opportunity for me to see Chris Benoit in action (I often choose to skip Thursday evening viewing of Smackdown). What follows is why I think that’s a crime.

A few years back, I wrote this little ditty over at Wrestling Uncensored right around Judgement Day 2000:

JERICHO HEAD TO HEAD WITH BENOIT

Jericho’s Facial Hair VS Benoit’s Missing Tooth:

Jericho decided to debut a clean-shaven look at the show. Everything went…fucked up goatee, sideburns..everything. Not that it would have mattered if the bizarre growths were still there. Benoit: still missing the tooth. EDGE: Benoit

Jericho’s Charisma VS Benoit’s “silent but violent”:

Admit it, Jericho’s getting annoying. How often does he come up with a funny quip, anyhow? Most of the time it’s “You’re gay. And you suck!” or “you have a small penis. And you suck!” Benoit’s been getting progressively better, especially in backstage interviews. C’mon….last Monday he was ON. “How many submission holds does the Rock know?” Michael Cole remains silent. Benoit: “Exactly…” EDGE: Benoit

Jericho’s Lionsault, Double Powerbomb and Walls of Jericho VS Benoit’s Flying headbutt, Triple German Suplex and Crippler:

NO CONTEST. Jericho’s lionsault is a weak-ass lucha move that would have been better off left in the WCW. His double powerbomb is the most opponent-assisted move in the history of wrestling. The walls of Jericho...what the fuck is that? Is it a boston crab? How is that supposed to hurt my neck? Meanwhile, Benoit is smashing his skull into your face, flipping you around mercilessly, and ripping your head off your shoulders. EDGE: Benoit

Jericho’s “C’mon baby” and general smarminess VS Benoit’s “throat-cutting” and flying snot:

In my eyes, Jericho will always be the pansy who yelled “c’mon baby!” at a highly unimpressed Nitro crowd and refused to take a countout victory over Alex Wright in order to “show solidarity against the NWO”. Benoit has no catch phrase, but he blows snot all over you. Edge: Benoit

There you have it. The IC title picture hasn’t been this impressive since Razor/Shawn, but unfortunately, with the inclusion of Val Venis and Hardcore Holly, it’s on to another drought…

HA HA! Classic reference to Venis and Holly’s inability to rise up the ranks. I could just touch myself.

As for Benoit and Angle kicking ass on the same show, I think I should mention the CanAm rumors you always hear excite me more than anyone, ANYONE will ever know. While we’re at it, let’s make it an official replacement by having Furnas and LaFon perish in a horrible automobile accident. While choking on vomit. Hey, they ARE Hart Foundation.

Brock/Hogan. One word: FABULOUS. Hogan calls for the help of the Hulkamaniacs, and ends up thoroughly destroyed. Plus, it went exactly as I envisioned a match between the two athletes at their specific points in their character’s development. Can you believe I can type that with a straight face?

EITAN AND ROB TALK ABOUT PRO WRESTLING ON AIM

This is where Rob and I talk about pro wrestling on AIM. Rob writes at 411, at least I think he does.

Rob: Brock Lesnar. Discuss.

Rob: You're a piece of shit.

Rob: Next Topic. The Rock.

SayEitan: I hate your face. Too much Triple H?

SayEitan: Your answer will be gay.

Rob: Your answer will be straight

SayEitan: Fuck you, Rob. Fuck your dog.

Rob: I hate you - eat shit and die Eitan.

Rob: Don't talk about my Dog! Kurt Angle, not what he used to be?

SayEitan: Angle? More than he used to be. You are nothing.

Rob: You are jewish LOL29.95 at Walmart! Angle wearing thin for me.

SayEitan: I see big things in the future involving Angle and Benoit...unlike your things. Get my drift?

SayEitan: Booker T. He's black. What say you?

Rob: I see big things for Booker T. unlike your things. Get my drift?

Rob: By the way it's catch my drift

Rob: you fucking tard

Rob: Only a yid like you would say get my drift.

Rob: Stephanie McMahon is hot

SayEitan: Agreed, still the wrong person for the GM slot. There are pictuteres of you molesting your dog on your website.

Rob: The person who should be GM for Smackdown should be a wrestler. A wrestler that has bad history with Bischoff. There are pictures of you molesting yourself on your website.

SayEitan: Yeah, the Mick Foley thing. It would work...they're both solid on the mic.

SayEitan: You're so ugly you refuse to post any pictures showing anything above your torso.

Rob: I don't think Mick Foley would work. Don't get me wrong I like Foley. I think the WWE needs someone just as slimey as Bischoff but who fans enjoy. Shawn Michaels, although no bad blood with Bischoff, would be good. You are ugly but still put pictures on your website.

Rob: And the only reason anyone knows who you are is because of Scotsman.

SayEitan: You think people know who I am?

SayEitan: You mean Graeme McGaw? He calls me to talk about his girlfriend.

Rob: You mean the 43 year old Quebec fellow who sucks McGaw off for inspector gadget plush toys?

SayEitan: Slimey as Bischoff? Heyman would've worked easily. One time I posted about you on a message board, and one of the responses was, "who the fuck is Rob Wilson?"

Rob: Heyman? Would've? We're talking right now. Get in the program jackass. I posted about you on a wrestling message board. Then I realized I was posting about some jew faggot on a wrestling message board and slit my wrists.

Rob: Undertaker, should he return to being The Phenom?

SayEitan: Well, let's see, American History X. It's probably the best thing he can do...follow in Hogan's footsteps and do the right thing

SayEitan: Don't tease me with stories of you slitting your wrists.

SayEitan: So, Jeff Hardy, you probably want to talk about him seeing as how you're a Jeffag

Rob: Jeff Hardy, Does he have the right stuff to break out? And what's with his continuing conversations with Ric Flair? I get the Carolina connection, but how many weeks has Flair told Jeff Hardy he's really great. Personally I think Hardy is too pasty and doesn’t have enough ground work to put on main event stuff. You're the one that sits in the dark with glow paint smeared across your face as you camsex with McGaw.

SayEitan: Hardy just doesn't have "it". He had his chances. He screwed up every time he had a chance to show personality. RVD, meanwhile, capitalized on all his opportunities. You don't smoke weed, which seems to indicate to me that you hang with a very boring group of people. If any people at all.

Rob: You’re gay.

SayEitan: No YOU’RE GAY.

HEAT/VELOCITY

Over on Heat, Sean O’Haire and Shelton Benjamin looked pretty impressive. That means nothing, because they looked impressive in the midst of weak writers suffering from a Triple H/McMahon influence that will forever stall any attempt at rebuilding for WWE. D-Lo Brown wins “Best Sell Job by Announcer” with his subdued analysis of Steven Richards hugging a chair: “Well…he’s crazy.” I continue to recommend Heat as a fun watch if you get the chance.

Velocity seemed like a waste of time this week. The Mike Awesome devaluation continues to make no sense to me. The guy throws people OUT OF THE RING and THROUGH A TABLE. Like, all the time.

THE WEEK AHEAD (BENOIT)

Who cares? WWE has been so unpredictable as of late, there’s no sense in having expectations one way or the other. We can only hope Triple H takes a step back from the limelight on RAW, and that RVD is given something substantial to work with. Smackdown is just horrible once you get beyond those involved in the six-man this past week, and I don’t think I’m going to make the show a priority – and I’m not the only one, based on ratings.