by sayeitan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

OK, so I’m late this week with this column where I talk about the week in pro wresting. But FASHIONABLY late.

I GET MAIL (REALLY I DO!)

Tell me I didn't just read about BURIAL GROUND and the name Fulci on onlineonslaught.com!

I must be in heaven.

Good to see a wrestling fan with an appreciation for Italian shlock. :) BURIAL GROUND is a nipple-biting good time!

... Ryan

That’s right, Ryan. As much as I enjoy The Godfather and the films of Martin Scorsese, nothing hits the spot like a bloody romp with cheesy dubbing. Judging by the response to my first “In the Aisles with R-V-D”, I’m not the only one on this wavelength. This week, it’s Story of Ricky (which I was lucky enough to catch in a theater) and Short Night of Glass Dolls representing for the shlock.

Now we venture back into the realm of sensitive readers. Last week, Eric thought my coarse language was unnecessary. Like Eric, Ryan advised me to “ Lose the Tourette's”. I simply reiterated my thoughts from last week, to which Ryan replied:

Ultimately, it's your forum, and you decide what goes on there. I just figure that an articulate guy like yourself can probably make up your word limit easily without taking potshots at other columnists, whether they've insulted Scaia or not. Good luck in the future. Nick

Well…now THERE is an entirely different issue. It’s real simple. Scaia’s a classy guy – I’m not. So I do the dirty work, with pleasure. If it’s I trend in “internet pro wrestling journalism”, I’ll follow it. After all, these guys are so easy to pick off. Regardless, I’ve whittled my smartass comments about the 411 boys down to one convenient segment.

411 MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

Isn’t it just great when a guy is completely oblivious to reality?

Hate to pick on Jay Bower so frequently, but otherwise it’s Hyatte and his insanely boring interviews with people who were interviewed for WWE positions. “Yeah, I talked to Shane McMahon but passed on the offer.” Riveting stuff. Over on the “Smarks” section of 411, Bower has been producing the most bizarre, meandering columns I’ve ever attempted to read on the net. It’s a strange combination of internet geek denial and catharsis. I dunno. Regardless, one of Jay’s bigger fans, Graeme “Scotsman” McGaw, dropped another knee-slapper on Jay this past week on Scotsmanality.com:

“After reading Bowers latest "effort", and The Great Wesukes news update where he butchered Inspector Gadgets fucking catchphrase, as well as a quick conversation with Grand Master Ku Klux Keith, I've decided to start writing columns on a regular basis again for The Smarks. A news update will be posted Wednesday evening, which is usually the worst day for news, so if theres any wrestler out there reading who wouldn't mind dieing, abusing a youngster or just crapping themselves in public so I can write a bit more, it'd be much appreciated.”

Mind you, that’s light stuff coming from a man who coined the term “Gay Bower ” (in addition to “gayeitan”). Apparently, Jay continues to e-mail kudos to Graeme. You go get ‘em, kid!

Oh, and congrats to Scotsman and Cody Webster. Scotsman on his brand new house, which he has already had to defend with fisticuffs, and Cody, for winning last week’s contest. Not only did he correctly identify the ridiculous Jay Bower quote, but he was also a winner in another of my columns (for a WWF video). That’s just greedy. Your stickers are on the way!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Isn’t it insulting our intelligence a bit when they announce RAW matches ahead of time, then set up the same matches during the show?

Onward to the week’s worth of rasslin’…

RAW

The Triple H turn was really well done. He starts by turning the tables on the fans, who wouldn’t let him be who he was, then ends up tagging up with the evil UnAmericans. Beautiful. Pity Rock has to show up and ruin everything with his over-the-top BS. “Shut up, bitch!” is just cheap.

The intergender match was a bit of a mess. Trish is either really on and really off, I don’t see a lot of the middle ground from her. Nowinski is the least natural-looking of all the recent call-ups. Looks like everyone involved in this match ain’t advancing up the card anytime soon.

Fink/Lillian stuff: who needs this shit? Show me some wrestling. MUTHAFUCKIN’ POWERBOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE!

The midget/Island Boyz stuff was just scary. I felt really uncomfortable during that entire segment. I swear to God you could her children crying during the hush while the Boyz set up the big top rope move.

The Jericho/Flair feud is DOA. Jericho is a pox on any show he’s on. They should send this guy back to Japan and force him to wear a mask and wrestle g uys named Shinya, Kieji and Ryu. Meanwhile, Flair is a parody of himself. He hasn’t wrestled a decent match in years (despite Scott Keith’s ejaculations of asterisks for WrestleMania, Royal Rumble and several RAW matches) and there’ s no one who believes for a second that Jericho won’t go over.

Rob Van Dam is slowly but surely developing a very entertaining character. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy is about to get a pretty big demotion. Why do I say that? It happens every time a feud or break-up goes down for the Hardy Boys. It’s about as reliable as internet reporters hassling the guy.

JEFF HARDY: THE SCOTT KEITH INTERVENTION

What’s with the whole “Jeff Hardy is on drugs/strung out/in need of an intervention” line of thought that’s running rampant? This is a prime example of how one man (namely, Scott Keith) can inspire legions of wannabes to spout off ridiculous assumptions about ridiculous things. Does Scott Keith even know the signs of drug abuse? Has Scott Keith so much as smoked a joint in his entire life? Not when there are so many wrestling videos and KFCs out there, I’ll tell you that much. So Hardy runs around during his interviews and does a lot of backflips. So fucking what? Ever heard of proper character portrayal? Or, in this case, weak character portrayal, but character portrayal nonetheless. I’d bet Hardy isn’t that much more screwed up than the majority of the roster. Why isn’t anyone concerned about Chris Benoit? Apparently, he’s wrestling through a lot of pain…A LOT. Are there painkillers involved? Is the guy being pressured to perform when he should actually be recovering? That’s the type of issue I’m willing to take a lot more seriously. I’m someone who once relied on painkillers in order to deal with physical ailments, but I’m not whining about Benoit and writing open letters to the guy to lay off. We just have to hope experience and the plight of others will alert Benoit to the major signs of a downward spiral. In the case of Jeff Hardy, I honestly believe it’s an overblown issue with an eccentric, naturally smaller guy. Unless you’re seeing things I can’t (and you’re experienced enough to identify these things) you should really just shut your mouth.

The UnAmericans angle was executed to perfection. You get a black man with a criminal record, a queer, an ornery redneck, and a half-breed and you toss ‘ em into the ring with four Aryan-looking motherfuckers. Recipe for a classic! Unbelievably hot crowd for this one, so it’s no surprise WWE scooped Seattle up for the next WrestleMania. You see how audiences can actually have a say in major WWE decisions? There’s something for you to chew on. The best thing about the match in my mind was the seamless blending of essentially mid-card guys with top shelf players. You’re watching UT about to chokeslam Test, then Triple H is in there out of nowhere for a save, then Booker, then Rock. And as I said last week, Test was the right man to take the pinfall (although a singles victory would have been better). Definitely one of the best RAW matches of the year, capping off a solid episode.

IN THE AISLES WITH R-V-D

I guess I lied last week when I said I’d only be including this review rundown in the Scotsmanality.com version of “The Week”. If you have a big problem with it, just drop me a note and encourage me to stay on topic. A reminder that the “RVD Factor” suggests an altered state of mind for best enjoying the film. The impact of his trademark maneuver equates with a level of inebriation.

-SIGNS: Here’s a bit of brilliance. The best “alien invasion” flick of all-time, without being an “alien invasion” flick. Mel Gibson is awesome as the subdued Priest who has recently lost his wife in a freak accident. He subsequently loses all faith in religion and even gets irritated when others call him “father”. His farm becomes the a site for those wacky crop circles, which start showing up all over the world at an alarming rate. The rest is yours to discover. It’ s just a really great story that builds slowly and impressively through tension and dialogue. I do have to question M. Night’s decision to cast himself as a pretty key character – he seemed incredibly out of place. Highly recommended nonetheless. RVD factor: none, or Rolling Thunder to heighten the ominous atmosphere.

-STORY OF RICKY: As I mentioned in the letters section, I was lucky enough to see a theater presentation of this classic in Toronto. Unfortunately, it was a somewhat edited version – the screen tints red during each of the infamous gore scenes (the shower scenes, the battle of intestines, every time Ricky’s fist shreds through someone’s flesh). Despite that disappointment, it was incredible watching this beloved cult classic with an audience – people shouted, “Let’s Go, Ricky, Let’s Go!” and cackled right along with Ricky’s maniacal Uncle/Trainer. This is the over-the-top Kung Fu/Gore tour de force that got some exposure with clips used during “The Daily Show”. Ricky Oh is a master of “breath control” (referred to as “Qui Gong” in the dubbed version) and he takes it upon himself to take on the incredibly corrupt warden of a prison “in the year 2001”. Ricky killed a drug dealer with one punch, but it was in revenge for the death of his girlfriend, who was chased off a roof by the dealer’s gang. I shit you not! Bitch runs right off the roof. You’ll laugh your ass off as Ricky then takes on one innocent victim’s honor after the other, screaming towards the heavens…then unleashing the deadliest kung fu you’ve ever seen! Each of the Warden’s men have super powers! Can you do any less? Highest possible recommendation for anything on earth. Try to track down a sub-titled version. RVD factor: You’ll want a Van Terminator for maximum impact.

-PENITENTIARY 2: Why did they make a sequel to “Penitentiary”? Why are they re-releasing both films and giving them DVD treatments? Why am I bothering with a review? It’s enough to make your head explode. Mr. T shows up for this blaxploitation epic that features lots and lots of rollerskating. Toss in some rape, knife fighting, and boxing, and you’ve got…Penitentiary 2. Go see Blacula instead. RVD factor: SABU run-in! Smoke for your lives.

-BEST IN SHOW: Here’s the Christopher Guest I know and love. After the disappointment of “Waiting for Guffman”, Guest bounces back in a big way with another mockumentary – this onet a biting satire on yuppies and their dogs. Brilliant casting of characters (Eugene Levy as the insecure husband, Catherine O’Hara as his slut wife, Guest as an endearingly simple redneck, fellow Spinal Tapper Michael McKean as a gay dog-lover hopelessly trying to be low-key homosexual) and some genuinely classic comedy moments. Levy’s Gerry Fleck discusses his wife’s pre-marital exploits:

Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends.

Cookie Fleck: (interrupting) Hundreds.

Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?

Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.

Gerry Fleck: Well…I did not know that.

Highest comedy recommendation. RVD factor: Rolling Thunder to help take it all in.

-SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS: A Giallo classic, included in Anchor Bay’s recent “Giallo Collection”. Giallo refers to the “pulp” Italian novels that inspired these strange films (with equally strange titles). I’ll cover this one next week since I haven’t had time to finish it yet.

Coming Next Week: On video, “Amores Perros” and “Prince of Darkness”, from my vault, “Crippled Masters”, “Ichi the Killer” and Criterion’s release of “ Haxan”. I just don’t see anything appealing in the theatres right now or anytime soon.

SMACKDOWN

Okay, so I admit it…I missed the show this past week. But hey, like I said in my last column, it’s not like the show is doing much to hook me. I base my comments on what I read.

The opening half of the show was packed with ridiculous amounts of inconsequential stuff, especially as it relates to the upcoming PPV. The Matt Hardy jump is really boring. It gets to the point where Funaki is doing interviews. Smackdown is becoming a joke – a really horrible joke. Angle/Mysterio is fun, and it’ll produce a great PPV match, but it’s just covering up the fact that Angle is being totally underutilized.

Guerrero/Edge is yet another randomized feud featuring Edge. What’s the list look like – Regal, Booker, Angle, now Guerrero. It’s funny because Eddie was stuck in the same situation during his intial run in WWE. These guys have nowhere to move. And where the hell is Tajiri? Workrate, I hardly knew you.

I’m very, very bitter about missing Rock/Benoit. They really click when they’ re in there, feeding off one another’s intensity. I guess the ending leads one to conclude they “traded” victories, but we all know Benoit was really the winner at Fully Loaded. PEGASUS KID ON THAT ASS!

Who cares about Kane? Kane is old news. Rhyno is the future, and he’s getting nothing right now. They should do a video package for The Gore, or show vignettes with Rhyno eating small children and proclaiming, “fresh is the taste!”

WRESTLING VIDEO RECOMMENDATION OF THE WEEK

There’s no better way to combat dull moments in today’s pro wrestling product than with past glory. This week, your assignment is WCW SPRING STAMPEDE 1999. I have this one down at 3 ***+ matches, including an incredible Juvy/Blitzkrieg match that ends with a TOP ROPE JUVY DRIVER! Carumba. I heard Blitzkrieg quit because of the physical toll of these incredibly stiff cruiser matches he was working at the time. In addition to that, Kidman and Mysterio, tag team champions at the time, collide in a Cruiserweight title match. It’s packed with incredible spots, but at that point Kidman held the match back with weak punches and kickes. A series with Juvy straightened out that bit of apprehension.Benoit and Malenko, proud Horsemen in the ring and “Vanilla Midgets” backstage, put on a classic tag team bout with Saturn and Raven. The crowd was majorly into it, with tons of double-team spots and non-stop action. Benoit wins the match with a chair-assisted flying headbutt, busting open his forehead. That’s suffering for your art. One of the better WCW Hardcore matches surfaces when Bam Bam Bigelow takes on Hak (aka Sandman). It’s like ECW lite but with plenty of serious bumping and a wicked Fisherman’s buster off the top and through a table. Scott Steiner and Booker T. serve up a totally acceptable US title tournament final, Kevin Nash returns the job to Goldberg, and the four-way (Hogan, Sting, Flair and DDP) for the world title ends up being pretty decent after Hogan walks away with an “injury” at the hands of DDP. Almost all the matches have a video package that catches you up to date on the feuds (I can’ t say this enough: these are KEY) and all the right guys get plenty of time to do their thing. It was a big blip in the consistently flat final days of WCW.

A FEW (OFFENSIVE )WORDS WITH THE SCOTSMAN

Scotsman (of “Smarks” fame) makes the internet wrestling scene halfway tolerable. His much-anticipated return to news updates is right around the corner.

ScotsmanWU: I had to go to work this morning at 8:30. So I set the alarm for 7:30 so we could do it before I went. But she didnt wake up

ScotsmanWU:So I jacked off over her stomach lol

SayEitan: that's kind of disturbing.

ScotsmanWU:You can mention that I still cant find her clitoris

SayEitan: That's a given.

SayEitan: Okay, let's get to wrestling. Steve Austin. Have you ever beaten a woman before? If so, what do you find works best for maximum subordination?

ScotsmanWU: I dont beat women. Becuause they get all emotional afterwards.

ScotsmanWU:And chances of head are minimal.

ScotsmanWU:Well, women I'm dating. If I aint dating you you better watch out. I usually put 3 or 4 wimmen in hospital an hour. Then at night I put them in HEAVEN

ScotsmanWU:WHAMMO

SayEitan: Well played, Graeme. And what about Jeff Hardy? Should same sex marriages be allowed?

ScotsmanWU:Marriage should be banned, same sex or different sex. its a ridiculous ceremony plus theres no fucking way I'm buying a new tux.

SayEitan: On that note, let's turn to Scotsman the man. You recently purchased a new house. Will this turn to the "real world" mean the end of Scotsman's wild times?

ScotsmanWU:Scotsmans wild times will never end. Possibly if I was moving in with my girlfriend, then yes they'd most defintely end. However I'm moving in with my buddy Alain, the only other person on the planet who would agree to come to a gay steam bath at 4am in the middle of downtown Toronto, so no, the crazy Scotsman will be alive and well.

SayEitan: Gay steam bath....classic, just classic. A lot of people are anticipating your return to The Smarks. It seems that a lot of their current staff has "shocked you into action" so to speak. Or did Scott Keith talk you into it?

ScotsmanWU:He doesnt really talk to me much. Apparently I bug him too much, so he'll only talk to me about Friends or something, and even then it's like one line of conversation from him, and 800 lines from me.

ScotsmanWU:I have his phone # though so I threaten to call him each day

ScotsmanWU:And he says "No dont the pizza company might be calling offering me free pizza and you'd tie up the line" LOL2002. I wonder if people ever get tired of those jokes.

ScotsmanWU:LOL SCOTT KEITH EATS TOO MUCH

ScotsmanWU:I WONDER IF HE USES THE RATINGS SYSTEM IN REAL LIFE LOL

ScotsmanWU:Then we can get into a conversation about him complaining about his boyfriends workrate. Or that the pepperonis on the pizza werent elevated enuff. Its so lame.

SayEitan: Agreed. There should be a greater focus on Jay Bower.

SayEitan: When I think of Jay Bower, I stick two fingers in my throat and puke all over myself. Then I just sit there. Ok, so Rey Jr and Angle...MOTY material or disaster waiting to happen

ScotsmanWU:I dunno I dont really watch wrestling anymore.

ScotsmanWU:I only read Keiths recaps. So my opinion on wrestling is BENOIT IS GOD AND HHH SUX LOLLLLLL

SayEitan: Seeing X8 live definitely made me a more cynical wrestling fan. I'm assuming it did the same to you. I'm also assuming you're one of those guys whose first sexual experience was homosexual in nature.

ScotsmanWU:No. My first sexual experience was with this really ugly chick while watching Batman. I cant watch Batman ever again.

HEAT/VELOCITY

On Velocity, a bunch of jobbers wrestled. Sho Funaki scored a pinfall victory, which is about as rare as me staying on a site for more than a few months at a time. Heat focused on the continuing adventures of Raven and D-Lo Brown, “Volume 36: The Replacement Jobber”. Stasiak/Bradshaw was the main event. I’m never doing this segment again.

PIE

Last night I took a late night trip to the grocery store (for toilet paper and Coke). There were just a few people in this superstore, and one open cashier. As my luck would have it, currently being served was this morbidly obese hag with a stack of about 20 pies (apple, raspberry, and many other variations), several boxes of twinkies and a bunch of those "lunchable" meals. She was attempting to purchase the pies at the sale price which had expired at midnight. So, of course, this brings out the manager. With her were her two obese children, probably no older than 10 or so, running around, slobbering with anticipation. It was the most disgusting, depressing thing I've seen in my life. Then this guy shows up behind me holding pie. What the fuck? Am I missing something here? Is pie a stimulant at 2 am?

RATINGS

Ratings are up! Yay. 3.5, 2.8, whatever. It’s not getting cancelled anytime soon. Relax.

PLUGS PLUGS PLUGS

Get your comic book fix at 4 COLOR REVIEW!. Steve and the gang know their comics, and they want to help you maximize your enjoyment of the hobby and artform. Recent updates include pictures from San Diego 2002, including “booth babes”! Dig it.

Lethal Injection is NOT a generic humor site! Check out “Total Request Lethal”, their hilarious message board. Ex-WU guy King Mob writes there, but don’t let that stop you.

Being the compulsive spender that I am, I took a trip to Golden Boy Tapes on the advice of everyone and their mother, and ordered me up some wacky Japanese wrestling videos. Their site is well-designed, easy to use, and my order’s already being processed. Very professional. It all works out beautifully because I love watching men powerbomb one another. And submission maneuvers? Don’t even get me started.

THE WEEK AHEAD

Yeah, I saw RAW and I read the Smackdown spoilers. We’ll just say this week I’ m covering here went a lot further in building up Summerslam. Now it’s time for the PPV to walk the walk. We’re either on our way to a major upswing, or Shawn’s messed up pescado and Jericho’s horrible warbling are foreboding signs.

Scaia 4 Life, 
-S8-

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