Okay, so last time I was fashionably late…this time, I’m two weeks late. But that’s because of my incredible social life, packed with friends and parties. Did I mention I also do a lot of bench presses? Aside from these obvious roadblocks, the real problem is that I was completely humbled by WWE. I honestly thought SummerSlam was gonna bomb, and I was dead wrong. The main event was played to perfection, Shawn Michaels pulled a fast one on us, and everything else was decent to above average. Thank God the TV programming is still sub-par. I mean, if that wasn’t the case, I’d be robbed of my cynicism and scathing critiques. What would an “internet reporter” have then?

This week, I rundown the week’s worth of programming, make brief mention of overseas action, we get a guest column about comic books and I interview The Pope of the Op-Board scene, Barbwire Mike. Got your lube?

MAIL. YOU SEND IT. I READ IT. WE DANCE.

This comes from the man known only as “whitetyson”…

you gave a recommendation to see spring stampede 1999 - I like your shit a lot better than scott keith's bullshit - that fat fuck

what do you think about the following PPVs...

great american bash 99 bash at the beach 99 slamboree 99

any of the early survivor series worth seeing, or early summer slams? early wrestlemanias (going through bargain bin at video store, interested in your opinion)....

Wow, it’s e-mail like this that makes me feel like…well, a fat fuck. Spring Stampede ’99 did indeed kick everyone’s ass – the problem is that’s pretty much all there is to WCW programming in 1999. Of the three shows you listed, I’ve only seen Slamboree, and that was by mistake (it was on a WCW comp tape that had mostly ’98 stuff on it). I would recommend staying far away from that show, as all the decent workers were grouped into the first match (Flock v. Horsemen v. Rey Rey and Kidman) and even that was a complete mess. As far as “early” WWF stuff, I’m assuming you mean pre-96, since that’a good cut-off point for “attitude”. I’m a pretty big mark for the old stuff, but let’s face it, the wrestling is crap to mostly crap. Survivor Series 1987 and 1995, Wrestlemania III and X, Royal Rumble 1992 and SummerSlam 1992 are standouts. 

Another one from Nick, who was MIGHTY PISSED that I mistakenly identified him as “Ryan”. Me, I’d react the same way to “Brad”, “Carson” or “Jay”.

Loved your comments on Hardy. Scott Keith's got himself a nice little army on the Net now, and you never hear any criticism of him, apart from the odd 'I don't read Keith's stuff, because he's too negative.' In my view, the guy's ego is taking over, and his material is dropping in quality. Same with Hyatte. It's about time someone took Keith to task, and you answered the call, boyeeee. On top of everything else, I find it hard to believe that a brother as close to Jeff as Matt is would allow his bro' to waste away, the way Keith describes it. I imagine that Keith looked at Jeff's 130lb body, listened to WWE's complaints of his tardiness to events, put 2 and 2 together and came up with 74.

Fuck, might as well call this column “The Week in Scott Keith Bashing”. I don’t know what you mean when you say you don’t hear criticism of Keith…as the most prominent figure on the scene, the guy is constantly taking shit left and right. The bottom line is that to get to that point, a guy has to do something right.

I still don’t buy the Hardy stuff. He’s young, he’s fucking teenagers, he’s doing drugs. Doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. He probably also realizes he’ll never get past the glass ceiling, so why bother “expanding the moveset”?

411 MOMENTS OF THE WEEK

SOMEONE thinks they’re really important. Here’s the subheading under Justin Baisden’s latest over at The Smarks:

“I'm off to Montreal for a few days so this'll have to tide you over.”

OH MY GOD THANK YOU JUSTIN BAISDEN! THANK YOU FOR TIDING ME OVER! HAVE A GOOD TIME IN MONTREAL! AWESOME COLUMN ABOUT “BUDDIES” AND “GIRLS”! ***3/4 LOL9/1/02

Hey you know what tides Justin over? A 6 piece meal with fries. Coleslaw and gravy on the side. CHEAP HEAT!

Hyatte’s up to his usual, catching up on a net feud three weeks late and telling us all about rock star’s dicks. I’m serious. The guy is obsessed with the cock. Combine that with his raging homophobia and junior high mentality when it comes to women, and you know exactly where I’m going with this one. Hey, here’s MY “Hot Ass Gossip”:

1) A certain “internet reporter” is a complete and total interior decorator. His name is HYATTE.

Oh, and that intro was eerily reminiscent of Harry Knowles’ review of Blade 2. Sitting through a fat, sweaty, 30-something mess writing about sex is horrible the first time – it’s positively genital-crushing the second. Please stop, fat, sweaty, 30-something messes of the world.

And speaking of cheap heat…

THE GOLDUST THEOREM

(Goldust + North American feud) x Cheap Heat = Ratings Gold

Think about it. Back in ’97, we had two very prominent “Canada v. USA” match-ups.

Canadian Stampede: GOLDUST, Legion of Doom, Ken Shamrock and Steve Austin take on The Hart Foundation.

Survivor Series: GOLDUST, Steve Blackman, Marc Mero and Vader take on (sort of) Team Canada.

Flash forward to 2002, and the very excellent RAW 8 man. It featured – you guessed it – GOLDUST tagging up with Booker T., The Rock and The Undertaker as they collided with “The UnAmericans” and “The Aryan” Triple H.

So what up wit dat? 5 years of Canada locked in an epic struggle with a queer. That works on so many levels.

NEWS THAT REALLY HAS NO PLACE BEING REPORTED

Tommy Dreamer is getting married in October. Insert a joke right here about a hardcore marriage, complete with Tommy delivering a devastating piledriver to the bride after screaming “E-C-W!”.

The Jake guy from Tough Enough 2 has a bad reputation in the indy circuit. There’s a big surprise. The guy probably carries that Jakks toy they molded of him around like Owen used to carry around his Slammies. I hear there’s a few openings in Japan for guys like Jake. Something about pro wrestlers taking on shoot fighters in legit matches? Now THAT I’d pay to see.

Hugh Morrus will now be wrestling as Bill DeMott. BILL De FUCKING MOTT. As far as career moves go, that ranks somewhere between jobbing to Shawn Stasiak and overdosing on painkillers. Then again, he WAS Hugh Morrus, so he’s at least venturing further away from “falling from the rafters to your death” territory.

RAW

Yes, it was indeed a stinker, highlighted by a couple of really solid matches. Really no excuse for this show to come off as flat as it did hot off the heels of SS. You don’t need me to tell you Brock’s first night as champion was completely botched, but it does lead one to wonder if that was a factor in his decision to jump to Smackdown? You know…to take on Matt Hardy on the undercard? Oh fuck it.

I’m all for extended storylines, but when it comes down to Booker T. taking on a different UnAmerican every week, Test coming up with some ACME-approved scheme to piss off America, and the “Kane-aroonie”, count me out. The shit is flat. But OMG KANE IS SO SLEEK AND SEXY DIG THAT CHIN DIMPLE.

Jericho finally returned to his, you know, ENTERTAINING ways this past Monday. The Snuka post-beating beating, the rendition of “New York, New York”…this is what the guy should be doing ALL the time. Toss what I thought was a very well-paced match with Jeff Hardy in there and his entire segment was hands-down the best thing RAW had to offer. Scott Keith hated it, but included a reference to “Cruising” in his review, so all is forgiven. Best fisting scene in an Al Pacino movie, EVER.

Dreamer/RVD was great. Title unification, shades of ECW, yadda, yadda, RVD is now WCW US/WWF European/WWF Hardcore/WWF Intercontinental champion. He’s still got NOTHING on Ultimo Dragon.

I’ll just pretend like the Tuxedo Match and the Backstage Dictators Match never happened. Funny thing is that you’d think with Triple H/UT out of the way, you could look forward to a gimp-free Smackdown…but that would be TOO convenient, wouldn’t it?

MY NEW DRUG – PURORUROSOOEY! PLUS A JEW IN JAPAN

It’s official. I am a now a Puroresu mark. The good folks at Golden Boy tapes (now a permanent member of my plug club) have supplied me with nourishing Japanese goodness and I’m not gonna look back. BRAINBUSTAAAA! DRAGON SUUUUUUUUPLEX! You’ve never seen men hurt each other quite like this in the name of sports entertainment. And everyone is so polite…the promos are all about complimenting, but in a challenging way. No flag burning, no fat guys beating up midgets. My favorite show thus far, a recent All Japan PPV, featured Tenryu defending the heavyweight title against Satoshi Kojima. Long story short, it was a ****3/4 match that blew me away. Kojima’s name might be familiar to you – he was the guy Goldberg beat in 15 seconds in his Japanese debut. I guess the North American mentality isn’t completely disregarded in Japan. Nonetheless, even guys like Kronik can come off looking superb in Japan, thanks to the talents of Mutoh and Taiyo Kea. Oh, and one more thing – SHINJIRO OHTANI RULES ALL YOUR ASSES.

MY MATERIAL SEEMS TO BE WRITING ITSELF

Guest column time, from 4 Color Review’s head comic geek Stephen Gerding. It’s wrestling-related, I promise.

Wrestling. Comics. Comics. Wrestling. For some odd reason, both of these things seem to manage to capture the imaginations of the same people. Sure, there are plenty of wrestling fans who don't read comics, and vice versa, but it's really quite remarkable just how large a crossover fanbase there is. It's no surprise, really. When you get down to it, they're pretty similar. Big-ass guys, often dressed in skintight outfits, pounding the living hell out of each other. Good VS Evil. Scantily-clad chicks with implants, beating the hell out of each other while wearing stilletto heels. Fake VS. Real.

At any rate...earlier this week, I emailed eitan. "Eits," I sez, "what do you think about including a small comic book section in your column? Would Rick mind? I know it may distract from your never-ending contest with Scotsman to see who has the loosest hiney-hole, but think aboot it." So, eitan emails me, sez that Rick won't mind, so write something already.

:::insert smooth segue here:::

Simply put, if you read comics, you NEED to read BLACK PANTHER. Hell, if you don't read comics, but enjoy intelligent movies that still manage to have lots of 'splosions, Read This Comic. Politics, super heroes, swank art and simply amazing writing combine to make this one of the best series, ongoing or otherwise, of the last decade. To quote Andrew Duncan at 4-Color Review:

"BLACK PANTHER may be purposefully convoluted, but it's never confusing, and it's always always fun. Intelligent, intense, exciting, unpredictable, political, sexy, funny, unique, sharp, relentlessly cool - an ignoramus comic book reader craves not these aspects of storytelling. Those who do would do well to start picking up BLACK PANTHER, a vague and often odd experiment in narrative structure and genre that still manages to flow smoother than most books of this often celebrated and often vilified ilk. For over 3 years Christopher Priest has been quietly and skillfully crafting one of the most consistently satisfying, entertaining and visceral comics of this era, and for much of that time Sal Velluto and Bob Almond have been providing superb, Neal Adams-flavored visuals that only cement BLACK PANTHER's greatness."

I can steal that quote, because it's my site. For more BLACK PANTHER goodness, check our reviews and interviews out. Otherwise, just grab yourself a copy of the first BP collection at amazon.com after clicking through one of Rick's many links. I'm a longtime comic fan, who used to love the wrestling, then fell out of love with it, and then got sucked back in about 4-5 years ago by eitan. The little fucker poisoned my mind with visions of the nWo, Austin 3:16 and "You Fucked Up" chants. I haven't looked back since.

-Steve Gerding

This is what I get for having last seen this guy at age 17… “little fucker”. Steve, I’m all grown up now! And what’s with this Black Panther stuff? I smell Jihad.

SMACKDOWN

First of all, I thought this show was great. Entertaining as hell. Any show that prominently features Guerrero, Benoit and Mysterio is aces with me. I have no idea why a lot of writers have been giving this week’s Smackdown a lot of flack. Is it that alarming absence of logic? The ridiculous UT jump? The fact that they were lifting from King of the Ring 2000? Waitaminnit…did I say I liked this shit? Seriously, we just need to face the facts. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR LOGIC IN WWE 2002. Everything is RANDOMIZED. Everyone’s talking about “long-term planning” and gushing over how SummerSlam was executed. Well, one PPV does not make a successful year. Everything else up to this point had been complete and utter garbage, driving me to a 100 dollar per week Japanese wrestling tape habit. It’s that bad. Characters are not being built well. Feuds don’t last any longer than two weeks. Triple H is still running the show. All we’re getting thrown to us – our ONLY hope at this point - is solid in-ring action, and we shouldn’t complain. That’s why I ultimately give the thumbs up for this show. It’s the best WWE is WILLING to give us, plain and simple.

The Brock Lesnar experiment took a turn in the right direction on Thursday. Here’s the deal: green rookie has more power than he really knows. Now he needs experience to go along with the newfound confidence he obtained at SS. Brilliant. He’s more charismatic, he’s EMOTING more in the ring, and he’s simultaneously looking more fluid and powerful. DIG the way he blocked Matt Hardy’s clothesline out of the corner. It’s that kind of stuff that goes a long way.

Speaking of innovative ring work, how about RI-MUTHAFUCKIN-CO? FALCON ARROW BEOTCH! Absolutely incredible 6 minute confrontation with Rey. I can’t wait to see what they’ve got planned next for Rico. As far as Mysterio goes, looks like ethnicity and size is catching up with him WAY faster than I could have possibly prepared jokes for.

Once again, decent cruiserweight action, even though I think Tajiri should be playing the “top heel with the gold” in place of Knoble. Cole keeps pushing us on the “Smackdown exclusive cruiserweights” and the “high-flying excitement” but when was the last time the title was defended on SD? And when was the last time the title-holder wasn’t overshadowed by his valet? WEAK.

The #1 contender series produced two ***+ matches. ‘Nuff said. Rikishi played “injured face running a tournament in peril” before at KOTR2000 (which also featured Guerrero, Benoit and Angle). Even that wasn’t too bad, because Benoit ends up looking like a grade A shit-kicker. Guerrero amazes me with his psychology (and I really don’t care how much of an ass I come off as when I say that). Brilliant end to the opening match-up. Then, of course, we get UT spoiling what would have been another **** classic between Angle and Benoit, but I’ll accept a half-Angle/Benoit match with the typical three-way “finisher/reversal/finisher/reversal sequence” any day of the week. Plus Undie actually looked like he gave a damn, which wasn’t too surprising since he knew he was about to look like a million bucks courtesy of CanAm.

Awesome matches, INNOVATIVE in-ring stuff, a winner in my books. The only heartbreaking thing about “concept” shows such as this one is that WWE really drops the ball by not pushing some new blood. You’ve got a built-in storyline if someone like Eddy progresses all the way from match #1 to the final, and it produces a top-flight heel with big-time credibility. No such luck this time, as the same old moves on to the same old.

BARBWIRE MIKE: A SABU AMONG IAN AND AXL ROTTENS

For the clueless among us, Barbwire Mike runs Lethal Wrestling, which is pretty much the endpoint in the evolution of the op-board scene (well, until someone breaks off from Lethal and goes on to form their own board). I wrote there in between my OO stays, mostly as a form of annoying their loyal readers and really, REALLY getting their staff riled up. Throughout it all, Mike was as he always is – cool, calm and collected. He’s a rarity in “the scene”, and this week he’s my guest, discussing the aforementioned scene and, more importantly, a really funny joke on Kevin Nash.

SayEitan: So here we are, Mike, against all odds. Despite my differences with your staff and our depressing lack of marijuana, we come together...a sort of WU reunion. Does it make you feel tingly inside?

Barbwrmike: i'm not sure... SOMETHING is, but it could be the loritabs I stole from my roommate. I kid... always a turn on to be next to you Say

SayEitan: you tease, you! Lethal Wrestling has had some knee-slappers in the past, including MMN's infamous Panda post, but it seems like you've hit the pinnacle of op board hilarity with the Kevin Nash "Desire" piece currently featured on the site. Tell us about it.

Barbwrmike: Hmm... where to begin? How about at the beginning. If you've been going to Nash's website to follow his rehabilitation (and honestly, who hasn't?), you've seen the pictures of him working the leg, stretching, and giving it his all.

SayEitan: definitely inspiring stuff.

Barbwrmike: Well, Tom Zenk first stumbled across a couple of pictures of Nash doing the type of "rehab" us smarky types would expect... watching TV and lounging. This inspired one of our readers to see if his picture directory had any MORE pictures like this. And he did nothing less than strike gold.

SayEitan: And so, the "Desire" video for Kevin Nash was born. I laughed so hard I almost tore a quad. Has Big Kev caught wind of this?

Barbwrmike: If I may take a moment to do what I'm TRULY known for, from here until the following morning the best way to get the story is by going HERE . It pretty much documents everything leading up to the video. Again, what is best about it is that Lethal Wrestling didn't even do this. This was the brainchild and monster of our readers. And God love 'em for it. I would've thought Kevin would've been touched by such a memorial, I mean... the one for Triple H gave him TONS of credibility.... but alas, that is not the case.

SayEitan: That's what you get for trying to encourage a guy, eh? I hear talks of lawsuits?

Barbwrmike: While no one directly involved with Kevin Nash or his website has gotten involved yet, our host was sent a letter by "Cyberguard", saying the pictures were copyrighted and we stole them and used them in a "malicious fashion". Now, to be perfectly clear, cybergaurd put up their firewall AFTER we had the pictures, before that they were on a directory that wasn't linked on the front page, but that anyone with a rudimentary amount of computer knowledge can find. The reader didn't hack the site.

SayEitan: Delicious. Comedy, lawsuits and Big Sexy...seems we have all the elements of a good time.

Barbwrmike: It really does. I don't think we're going to be sued. I mean, do you really think Kevin Nash wants to prove under oath he's NOT lazy and these pictures are truly "malicious"? GOOD LUCK!!

SayEitan: He’d wind up no-selling on the defense and tearing his other quad on the stand. Now, as the head of Lethal, you probably keep a close eye on "the scene". How does it stack up to, say, 4 years ago?

Barbwrmike: It's totally unfair to try and compare then and now. Talent-wise I think we're currently better than any op site has ever been, but it's a different world now. We're all walking on the paved roads the orignals layed down for us. And then there was more newness to it... I mean, that was when the net was nothing but wrestling and porn

SayEitan: Do we need anything more?

Barbwrmike: As for another difference... we don't pull our posts because of an idle threat. *cough*

SayEitan: Well played, Mike. It seems like the spirit of the old school is alive with Lethal's legal issues and the epic Scotsman/Jay Bower feud.

Barbwrmike: Ha... I just got caught up on that tonight. Scotsman will always be my hero.

SayEitan: ...in bed. LOL2002.

Barbwrmike: Well, he says you can't satisfy him like you us...

SayEitan: He’s demanding, especially when it comes to salad tossing. Speaking of anal, what sites do you frequent, if any?

Barbwrmike: seriously, i dig drudge and fark... if i'm not in a forum or suffering through wrestling news sites for our fist farking section i'm usually there, or portalofevil. And of course SCOTSMANALITY, where all the hip kids hang out

SayEitan: I see your continued shilling and raise you a big OO RULES.

Barbwrmike: AND ONLINE ONSLAUGHT!!! HOME OF THE JONNY X WEEKEND RECAP (before moving on to the RAW ones at THE RING POST

SayEitan: Alright, let's cap this off with your take on some of the top headlines. Goldberg in Japan.

Barbwrmike: Misawa and Kobashi are going to kill themselves just so they can roll over in their graves

SayEitan: TIGERBOMMMMMMMB. Shawn Michaels pulls a MOTYC out of his ass. Barbwrmike: Holy shit... Hunter DOES know how to sell.

SayEitan: You'll eat your words come next PPV. Brock as the champ.

Barbwrmike: Anything that puts the spotlight on Paul Heyman is OK in my book

SayEitan: Hugh Morrus becomes Bill DeMott.

Barbwrmike: Huh?

SayEitan: Exactly. Any final words before I attempt to find nude pictures of you?

Barbwrmike: If you haven't been to op boards since the "glory days" check us out, I think you'll be really pleasantly surprised. And since I KNOW you bashed him in the intro to this, let me say that MMN is the backbone of Lethal and I'd go to Hell and back with him. :)

SayEitan: MMN the backbone of lethal? Ironic, but I'll let the readers figure that one. Mike, you are a sexy man. Thanks for coming out.

Barbwrmike: You too are too sexy, especially for your nationality, thanks for having me. And I WILL hook up the VCRs soon, promise.

LET ME PLUG YOU, BABY

ADD Movies besides having a super-cool name, is the place to be for horror movies in ’93. And ’94 through ’02. All reviews are 20 words or less, and you won’t see any of this xXx bullshit the kiddies love so much. Just the hip and happening stuff like Suspiria and Throne of Blood. Groove on it, daddy.

Goldenboy Tapes for all your Japanese wrestling needs. I suggest All Japan 7/17/02 and the 1996 J Crown Tournament.

I think Mike covered the rest of this section, quite frankly.

THE WEEK AHEAD

More mediocrity starring Triple H and The Undertaker. Be there, mindless drones!