by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ah, Eric Bischoff and The Chief are standing backstage.  So refreshing to see some backstage hijinx after last week’s opening “match”.  Earl Hebner and Charles Robinson try to shill their new WWE Referees Undressed DVD, but only The Chief is buying.  Scott Steiner pops in as he is apt to do, and asks for a match against HHH’s Door tonight.  Eric says no, but Steiner will have another chance to engage in some manly stripping with HHH tonight.  Strip Scattergories?  Huh.

Trish Stratus v. Jacqueline v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards)
A Hardcore Match for the WWE Women’s Title

A Hardcore Match?  Wha-huh?  Stevie Richards runs in and whacks everyone with a sledgehammer and yells “I AM THE GAME”, then pulls off his mask to reveal HHH!  HHH pins Victoria and becomes the Women’s Champion to absorb that belt into the “World” Title.

Ok, that didn’t really happen.  Victoria won the match and Stevie beat up the girls.  Oh, and The Hurricane made his glorious return to RAW by running out, attacking Stevie,  and jobbing to the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Eric is back with The Chief who is fretting about The Warrant while viewing the Nick Patrick centerfold.  Eric starts to talk about Vince McMahon when Reverend D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley show up and start blabbering.

EB:  Uh…Hey guys!
BD:  Eric!  We’re really pissed that you had us attacked last week!
EB:  Oh…That…Right.  Sorry?
DD:  You’re damn right, you’re sorry.  Wait…Vince is coming?
EB:  Yeah…
DD:  MISTER MCMAHON?
EB:  Yes.
DD:  My prophet?  The one that brought me to the cloth?
EB:  I guess…
BD:  D-Von!  Focus!
DD:  Oh, Sorry!  Testify, Bubba!
EB:  You know what, I can’t stand you guys any more, you’re fired.
BD:  Great, now we can go to Smackdown!

Chris Benoit (~!) pops in.

CB:  Eric, no!  They’ll ruin the workrate!  We’re still recovering from Big Show!
EB:  Benoit is right.  Sorry guys, no dice.  Maybe I’ll fire Spike instead.

Somewhere, Spike Dudley is really happy, as he jobs to HHH for what looks like the last time.

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Test (w/Stacy Kiebler) and Maven v. D’Lo Brown and Christopher Nowinski

Test reveals hisnew years resolution:  Don’t get injured.  Stacy is really happy, until Test tears his hamstring getting into the ring.  Coach Nash breaks out the chips in preparation for Test’s arrival in rehab.  D’Lo is sick of all this pre-match stuff, so he hits Maven and goes for the cover.  The Ref won’t count because both participants are black.  Al Snow comes out to tell everyone that they are cut, which distracts D-Lo enough to let him get rolled up by the injured Test.  Nowinski promises that next week he’s going to take Stacy out to his Harvard Frat House and get her liquored up.  Best of luck, Chris!

A limo pulls up!  Eric wonders who it’ll be.  I’ll bet it’s Kanyon!

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No, it’s Mean Whoo By God Gene Oakerlund.  Eric is unimpressed.   It seems that Gene was looking for the strip club and wound up on RAW.  He declines Eric’s offer to stick around for the Steiner/HHH Scattergories challenge, but takes a copy of Referees Undressed but only for research for Confidential.  Then Hulk Hogan wanders in and asks if this segment means they’re starting up Nitro again, brother?  1997 called, they want this segment back.

Oh, Chris Jericho comes in to break this segment up and tell Eric that he’s ready to accept the number one spot in the Royal Rumble.  Eric says that it’s too bad, because he’ll have to wrestle for it tonight, because this is after all, a wrestling show.  Jericho looks confused and deeply saddened at the lack of wrestling on this wrestling show.

William Regal tells the Lance Storm Action Figure that Jerry Lawler’s book, It’s Good To be the King…Sometimes is at bookstores now, or you can order it from the convenience of your own home at Amazon.com or WWEShopzone.com.  Or you can do what I did and read another book and pretend it was about Jerry Lawler.  For example:  Chris Benoit took Jerry “The Ring” Lawler to Mordor and defeated the wicked HHH, and the Hardy Boyz and that midget who played Booker Wee lived happily ever after.  Trust me, that was a hundred times better than reading about him getting dumbed by Earnest Miller…er…The Kat.

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Jerry Lawler v. William Regal (w/ the Lance Storm Action Figure)

William Regal mocks Lawler’s bedroom prowess.  Men stripping, talking about how each other are in bed, Jeff Hardy…What show am I watching exactly?  Wrestling.  Right.  Well…The refs strip search Regal for knux and…Joe Millionare is still on right?  Crap, Fox News at Nine, ok, back to the stripping.  The refs comically try to strip the Lance Storm Action figure, but nothing doing.  Meanwhile, Lawler KOs Regal with some bling bling, but he’s stupid enough to leave it on his hand and draw the DQ.  Some “ring veteran” he is.  Perhaps, it’s best that we just leave this crappy place we’ve found.

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Raven v. Jeff Hardy
For a chance to job to Brock Lesner in the Royal Rumble

Ah Ha!  Raven cut his hair and changed his ring gear and snuck on to RAW!  Eric Bischoff is mad that he was duped so badly that he tells Jeff Hardy to go out.  Jeff is sad because, by not wrestling, he’s avoided blowing spots now for a few weeks.  Jeff comes out and blows some spots forcing Raven to cower in the corner for fear of being injured on his first RAW back.  However, this puts him in perfect position for the Swanton which Jeff blows, but he gets the pin anyway.  Sorry Raven, I’ll see you on Heat, I promise.  Maybe if he and D’Lo can put their differences behind them, they can stalk Stacy together.

Vince McMahon finally found time in his busy schedule to squeeze in his RAW appearance.  Eric runs over to say “Hi” but Vince is more interested in beating the living hell out of Randy Orton for daring to be injured when he was just getting over.  Orton provides commentary of his shoulder condition during the beat down 94%  92%  89%.  Vince finally stops and makes his way out to the ring.

If Sean O’Haire tells you to cheat on your wife, then by all means do.

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Vince is out to talk ten years of history, but Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von come out to break that up.  Bubba asks Vince to keep Spike on RAW and give the Dudleyz a title shot, and Vince says that he will.  D-Von tells Vince that the Reverend D-Von building fund to build a church for Vince has hit a bit of a snag, but not to worry because he’s keeping the dream alive.  Vince tells the Dudleyz to get the hell out of the ring.

Chris Jericho comes running out and says that if Vince is being so nice then he should give Jericho the number one Rumble spot and a let him be on TV more.  Vince tells Jericho that Shawn Michaels already got the number one spot because he’s the best dancer in the company, but that Jericho can win the number two spot later tonight.  Jericho leaves.

Then, Eric Bischoff comes out.  Vince tells Eric to make the show’s ratings go up in the next thirty days or else “You’rrrrrrre Fi-arrrrrrrred”.  Eric tells Vince that maybe he should blame stupid Stephanie and Brian Gsomethingorrather and HHH’s Door for the poor ratings.  Then Vince gulps.  Wheee!

Al Wilson is dead.  I smell a casket match with Torrie and Dawn Marie!

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Eric chases after Vince and says that he didn’t mean to put any blame on Vince’s virginal daughter and princely son-in-law.  But Vince isn’t having it and threatens to replace Eric with Joaquine Phoenix!  Oh, wait, it’s just Shane McMahon.  Shane threatens Eric with a rhyme:

I’m going to take over RAW
It’ll be the greatest show you ever saw.
You ran Nitro into the ground
Though I did too the second time around.
But my last name is McMahon
And I’ll get more air time than CSPAN.

Then he dances.

Booker T (w/ Goldust) v. A Lance Storm Action Figure (w/ William Regal)

The ref tells Regal to get out of the ring, and without Regal there to make noises and move the figure around, Lance isn’t much good.  Booker starts stomping on the poor figure, but stubs his toe on Lance’s head in the process.  The Dudley Boyz run out to make the save, but it’s too late for Booker’s poor toe.

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The Hurricane (w/ Trish Stratus) v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Both guys are just so thrilled to be on RAW that they agree to disagree and leave the ring.  Trish and Victoria catfight.

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Nathan Jones, unfortunately, was NOT the voice of the Kangaroo in Kangaroo Jack, nor is he the Crocodile Hunter.  He may, however, be a better actor than Russell Crowe.  I’ve now exhausted a majority of my Australian jokes.

The Undertaker returns for a special burial ceremony for Al Wilson at the Royal Rumble.  I hope there’s embalming!

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Scott Steiner awaits HHH at the Scattergories table.  To start things off, Jonathan Coachman rolls a Y.  Ohh…Tough break.  I can’t think of too many “Things Found in Your Wallet/Purse” that start with a Y.

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HHH comes out and walks right past the Scattergories table.  He says that this is unfair as neither he nor Steiner know enough words to play a good game of scattergories.  Writing “Steroids” twelve times isn’t going to cut it.  So HHH says that he and Steiner should just get down to the stripping.  Uh…time for the news.  Peter Townsend was arrested for…Aw crap…Never mind.  I’ll just hum the them from American Gladiators until this is all over.  Dun Dun Dundana dunuhnuhna!  Dundundunananana-NAH!

Whew.

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Rob Van Dam v. Kane v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Chris Jericho

To determine what spot one of the guys gets in the Royal Rumble, and since only one of them wants a particular spot, guess who is going to win.  If you said Brock Lesner, you get a cookie

The announcers tell us that Ric Flair is away with a family emergency.  Boy, I hope Vince Russo, David and Daffney didn’t break into his house and point at his pool again.  Angered by this news, Batista decides that what this battle royal needs is a little less Kane, so he knocks him out.  But without Flair to guide his poor decision making skills, poor Batista is knocked out of the ring by RVD seconds later.  Then, Rob tells Jericho just to eliminate him already so that he can go back and play Hungry Hungry Hippos with Goldust, so that’s what happens.  Jericho says that he’ll be number 2 in the Rumble, so Shawn Michaels prances out with the love of the Gospel and pounds on Jericho for trying to upstage him.  That’s not nice.

Next Week:  Things get crazy go nuts after the Royal Rumble, when new Rumble Champion the Lance Storm Action figure is asked to fill-up 30 minutes of air time.  The winner of the World Title Match fills up another thirty minutes with a segment in which he challenges another competitor to a celery eating contest.  Fallout from the Tenth Anniversary special continues as Scott Hall drunkenly shows up in a tux and proudly accepts the award for “Best The Mang in the WWF”, unfortunately no cameras are there to capture his acceptance speech.

See you all next week, enjoy the Rumble.

E-MAIL MATT    
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