by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Raw esta en el Español!!!

Eric Bischoff está en el limousine.  El Chief esta a Raw.

EB:  ¿El Chief, cómo ahorraremos nuestros trabajos?
TC: ¡¡Consigamos el L.W.O. junto!!
EB:  No podemos porque Eddie, Chavo, y Rey estan en Smackdown!
TC:  ¡Estamos arruinados!
EB:  Soy un mono.

Stacy viene a…ehem…Sorry about that.  Stacy comes to the ring with Test, who says he has a softball sized hematoma.  Show off.  Stacy complains that she was out all last week despite her badass no selling of the chair shot two weeks ago.  Test yells at Stacy to quit whining and sell your injuries like Coach Nash.  Chris Jericho comes out to congratulate Stacy on her fortitude, but it’s all a set up for Chris Tian to run out and attack Stacy and Test.  NO!  Chris Tian, you idiot!!  There are too many Canadians in this segment to not have it shown on TSN!!  Test realizes this and fends Chris Tian off.  Jericho, having lost interest in this segment, wanders off.

What this opening section of the show needs?  A little more, Kane who is…Oh no!  HHH’s Door has defected after it was snubbed by HHH from the Not Four Horsemen.  Now it’s The Chief’s Door.  Kane pushes The Chief’s Door aside, and runs into Rob Van Dam, who is doing yoga on The Chief’s desk.

KN:  Uh…Rob, what are you doing?
RVD:  Oh, hey, Kane.  I’m just doing yoga here on The Chief’s desk.
KN:  Why’s that.
RVD:  We’re supposed have a segment now.  I’m just getting loose.
KN:  Sorry about missing the match last week.
RVD:  It’s cool.  I injured HHH again!  Now he can’t hold us down!

The Chief enters.

TC:  Hey, door.  Hey, guys.  Getting loose?
RVD:  You know it.

Triple H enters.

HHH:  I’ve caught you exposing the business!  You’re all jobbing to Dreamer next week!
KN:  Aw…dammit.

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Test and Stacy…Get into a car.  I wish I could just leave my job whenever I want.

A match?  Okay…if you insist.

Three Minutes v. Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley

The Chief announces that in order to prevent Three Minutes from being big jobbers this week they’re actually going to win.  Here’s a guest referee, Rico.  Surprisingly, this actually works as Rico disqualifies the Dudleys for wearing terrible looking cammo outfits.  Spike Dudley runs out to get him some of this Dudleyz jobbing, but it’s over by the time he gets there.  Poor Spike.  Tables are gotten.

Eric Bischoff buys a Texas Star Map to try to find Steve Austin’s house.  Oh, I bought one of those one time to try to find Sarah Michelle Gellar’s house, and it ended up being Screech’s house.  I said STAR map, dammit.  Not surprisingly, Bischoff is lost.

Wow, this graphic says Eric Bischoff has 7 days left on the job.  I sure hope that Steve Austin comes back in time to save him.

Bwahahahahahaha

Tommy Dreamer v. The Not Horsemen

That’s not very nice.  Dreamer starts to complain about the lack of wrestling on the show when he gets punked out by the Not Horsemen.  Dreamer gets counted out and the Not Horsemen win!  What an upset!!

Triple H gets on the mic and says that Ric Flair is the coolest old wrestler ever.  HHH goes on to say that the greatest wrestler in the world is HHH.  In fact, HHH says, in a match between HHH and HHH, the only winner would be the fans because it would go to a 60 minute draw (58 of which would be spent rolling around the ring holding their quads and yelling, “Ow, my quad.”)  HHH then says that “Dave” Batista “Davidson” will most certainly be the best wrestler in the world once he learns to work the WWE style.  Then he says Randy Orton is a piece of coal that will one day harden into a diamond.  Does that mean that Orton will be main eventing in 50 million years?  Cool.  I can’t wait!  Then HHH blames everything on Evolution.  Oh man!  Does this mean the return of Shane Douglas, Perry Saturn, and Dean Malenko?  Out with Evolution, in with Revolution!!

Terri asks Scott Steiner how he plans to beat Chris Jericho?  Steiner wonders how much Jericho weighs.  Terri says 231 pounds.  Steiner says that that’s close enough and whips out his Chainmail +1 v. Cruiserweights!  Jericho is doomed!

The Not Horsemen are up in the skybox.  Don’t start anything on fire!  Steve Austin will show up as a fire fighter!

Speaking of Stone Cold, Eric Bischoff finally is at his house.  When Bischoff opens the door, J.R. jumps out and says, “Surprise!  It’s Good Ol’ J.R.”  Freaked out by the wacky alternate universe J.R. and the fact that apparently J.R. lives with Austin, Bischoff takes off.

Molly Holly v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards)
For Not the WWE Women’s Title

Uh…Two heels?  Wait…there’s GOT to be a face here.  One is a prissy prude.  The other one promotes teenage lesbianism.  Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a face.  She wins.  Jazz comes out and beats up Molly.  THREE HEELS.  Oh, come on!  Stevie tries to interest Victoria and Jazz in a threesome…I don’t think they’re buying.

Goldust is sad again.  Booker T asks him what’s wrong.  G-Dizzy says that he doesn’t think they can beat the invincible Lance Storm Action Figure.  I’m afraid you’re right, Goldust.

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Booker T and Goldust v. William Regal and the Lance Storm Action Figure
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Booker T does a spineroonie and misses Goldust being knocked out by the Lance Storm Action Figure’s Snap Action Kick.  That’s his move!!  Booker T. and Goldust decide that they can’t win any more matches together.  Have fun on Heat, Goldust.  I’ll miss you!

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I can’t say I blame Eric for needing a stiff drink.  First his midget matches get cancelled when they can’t work out a deal for Chris Benoit and now he’s seen Alternate Universe J.R. at Steve Austin’s house.  Not that he’s surprised to see that really, but…The rednecks in the bar tell him that they don’t have any Steve Austins here.  Bischoff decides to try to get his Austin and the booze at another bar.

Kane v. Rob Van Dam

As the match is starting, Jeff Hardy runs down and starts blowing spots.  Then he yells about how he’s sick of blowing spots in his own matches so now he’s going to blow spots in everyone else’s matches.  He gets a Chokeslam and a Frogsplash for his troubles.

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Shawn Michaels dances out with the love of the Lord to give a strict talking to to Jeff.  He tells Jeff that if he wants to get pushed, he’s actually going to have to hit a spot or two along the way.  Jeff says that he’s going to start hitting spots right now, but he blows a spot and gets Superkicked.  Maybe next week.

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Sean O’Haire says don’t pay your taxes.  But how will I get my refund check to buy all the stuff you’ve been telling me to buy?

D’Lo Brown (w/ Teddy Long) v. Maven

D’Lo has a problem with Maven because…uh…because…D’Lo wins.

HHH is drinking.  THAT’S a good sign.

Eric Bischoff chooses a bar to find Steve Austin in.  I bet he’s at the Friendly Tap.  You should have tried Rhode Island, Eric!

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Eric Bischoff can’t find any Steve Austins.  Things get crazy go nuts when he starts beating up some kid.  But, that’s your demographic, Eric!

Batista and Orton kill Goldust.  Ooops.  Guess I WON’T see you on Heat.

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Chris Jericho v. Scott Steiner
For the #1 Contendership to the WWE World Title

Jericho tries some offense, but it’s blocked by Steiner’s Holy Chainmail!  Steiner curses however when he learns that Jericho is wearing the “Lifts of at Least Let Me Get Some Offense in You Big Ass”.  Well played, Mr. Jericho.  However, the lifts aren’t enough as Steiner gets the win anyway.  Up in the skybox, the Not Horsemen are singing the Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited” and not paying attention to the match.  Oh, well.

Vince McMahon pops out from behind The Chief’s Door to threaten The Chief’s job.  The Chief fails to ask why Vince doesn’t just fire Hogan.

Next Week:  We start RAW off in FRENCH!  HHH learns that not wrestling isn’t SO bad as he spends an entire RAW on the couch with Coach Nash.  Oh, and Steve Austin?  Won’t be there.

Are you ready for next week’s Hot RAW Action?  Probably not.  But you’ve got a whole week to prepare.  See you then.

E-MAIL MATT    
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