by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Vince McMahon threatened The Chief and The Chief’s Door by telling them that he was going to fire Eric Bischoff.  Booker T and Goldust were broken-up forever when Goldust was killed by “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Randy Orton.  And, Steve Austin?  Wasn’t there.

I don’t know any French.  Then again, I don’t know any Spanish either.

Eric Bischoff enters and says that he’s tired of Steve Austin not showing up and that if he’s going to get fired he’s taking people down with him.  Jim Ross is being replaced by The Coach and since bringing out Lita would be suicide, Jerry Lawler is being replaced by a Howler Monkey.  That’s great…

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Eric is backstage with a limo which opens to reveal…The Not Horsemen.  Triple H takes time from this busy segment to go over Spike Dudley.  What a great segment!!

Test (w/ Stacy Keibler) v. Chris Tian

Hot TSN Action!  Test gives his home country something to cheer aboot when he wins, but Christian ruins it by going after Stacy.  Now they’ll never see Test’s win!  However, Jeff Hardy comes to the aid of Canada’s hero by blowing some spots.

On some cold, lonely street corner, Jim Ross is ordering a pizza.

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Booker T.  is out to discuss his disappointment at the lack of wrestling on this show, when a match breaks out.  He’s magic, he is!

D’Lo Brown (w/ Teddy Long) v. Booker T.

Teddy asks Booker if he’s “Down with the Brown”.  It was funnier with Stacy.  This match is boring.  To spice things up, here’s the entire match commentary from The Coach and Howler Monkey:

TC:  Oh!  What a slam!
HM:  EEK!
TC:  Right you are, Howler Monkey!  Booker T, Classic COMEBACK!
HM:  Oop?
TC:  Vince McMahon.  Eric Bischoff.  A showdown tonight!
HM:  Jolly good axe kick by Booker T. there.  He wins.
TC:  …?
HM:  Uh…OOOoooooOOOOOK!

Man, I love monkeys.

Chris Jericho wanders past The Chief’s Door into Eric Bischoff’s office.  He complains about the unfairness of Steiner using chain mail last week in their match and gets himself a match with Jeff Hardy as compensation.  Ok…

Jazz v. Molly

Two heels again?  I’m so confused.  What Would Jerry Lawler Do?  Talk about Trish?  Uh…Ok.  Did you know, Trish Stratus is Canadian?  Thanks to WWE.Com for that awesome factoid.

Howard Finkel grills J.R. on why he called the person on the other end of the line, Steve.  J.R.  cries and says that he can have more than one friend named Steve, and runs off in tears.

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Three Minutes (w/ Rico) v. Rob Van Dam and Kane

You know what this show needs?  A little more Kane.  You know what Three Minutes needs to do?  A little more jobbing.  This was the very definition of “crazy go nuts”.

Vince sees J.R. weeping in the corner and walks over.  He’s gonna cry!  He’s gonna CRY!!

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Vince calls The Chief, The Chief’s Door and Eric Bischoff down to the ring.  He says The Chief’s Door is coming with him to be The Rock’s Door on Smackdown, where he’s a heel.  Oh, no!  What a shocking development!!  Then he says that The Chief will be having a match tonight because everybody wants to see a former porn star get wood. 

As for Eric Bischoff…Wait, Bischoff has a present for Vince.  Lesbians.  Bisexual Lesbians.  Is that even possible?  I’ll check my sources…Ok, the guy at Taco Bell says “No, but it would be cool, though.”  Vince doesn’t know what to do with them, so he sends them away.  Bischoff promises to bring out midgets.  Vince has already seen Dean Malenko and Chris Jericho, so he’s not impressed.  Finally, Vince says that he has a little song for Eric.  It’s “You Spin Me (Right Round)”.  I don’t get it.  I think Bischoff is fired regardless.

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Vince McMahon spends time chatting with William Regal and the Lance Storm Action Figure.  Regal says that it’s nice that Vince fired Bischoff, and Vince tells him to “bugger off”.  Ooo!  Dissed in your own dialect!

Bubba Ray, Reverend and Spike Dudley v. The Chief

The Dudleyz get the tables.  The fans rejoice.  The Chief is not pleased, seeing as he remembers when he used to beat up Mick Foley on a regular basis.

Eric Bischoff offers to share the pizza bill with J.R.  J.R. isn’t having any of it.  “That pizza is MINE, thank you.  Boomer Sooner!!”

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Tommy Dreamer v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

Triple Naitch runs interference as Batista beats the ever loving crap out of dreamer.  Here is five things you could have done in the time this match occurred.

• Started a game of checkers with your poor mother

• Eaten a single chip

• Gotten a drink

• Sang the first stanza of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

• Written the first paragraph in your manifesto railing against the unfairness of booking in this match.

Booker T. out for revenge runs into the ring, but Randy Orton and Triple H run and hobble out respectively to get them some of this upper-mid card beat down.  I bet D’Lo is gonna give Booker a talking to.  Scott Steiner runs out and chases everyone around.  Then he attacks Randy Orton.  Yeah!  Beating up Randy Orton NEVER gets old.

Jeff Hardy shares a touching moment with “Prayer Warrior” Shawn Michaels.  It’s nice to see two near cripples getting along so well!

Stacy says that she got Test a contract to work with Girls Gone Wild.  You know, I question this.  The last thing I want to see after seeing some moderately attractive naked girls is Test’s goofy face staring at me.  It didn’t work with Snoop Dogg, it sure as HELL isn’t going to work with Test.  Stacy, on the other hand, I can deal with.

As Eric packs his things, The Dudley Boyz come in and sing “Build Me Up Buttercup”.  That was nice of them.

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Jeff Hardy v. Chris Jericho

This is our main-event.  Jeff blows some spots, but Jericho isn’t intimidated.  Finally, in a shining pinnacle of his career Jeff Hardy hits A spot (a kick if you weren’t paying attention).  So overjoyed at this historic RAW moment, Jeff isn’t paying attention when he is knocked down and forced to tap to the Walls of Jericho.

The Not Horsemen Party Mobile is leaving the station and Vince wants to know why.

RF:  Why?  Why?!  I’ll tell, ya why.  We’re gonna party like it’s 1999!!
RO:  Uh…Ric…
RF:  Hey, Vince.  WHOO!  Your old lady was on Space Mountain all night long Fat Boy!
VM:  Linda?
RF:  Egh.  No.  I meant…Uh…Are you still going out with that Trish broad?
VM:  Uh…No. 
RF:  Dammit.  Then your old lady was definitely NOT on Space Mountain last night.
HHH:  Vince, I can’t believe you turned down those bisexual lesbians.  I know what I would do to them!
VM:  What’s that?
HHH:  Uh…I’d…uh…Make them job to Batista over here and then force them to wrestle on Heat?
DD:  Grr!

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Vince comes out and tells The Coach and the Howler Monkey to leave, allowing Lawler to reclaim his seat.  Then he says that he’s got a new RAW General manager and it’s…

Jim Ross?

Oh, wait.  No, J.R. is just there to tell Vince that the pizza had arrived and that he was leaving for the night.  Then Eric Bischoff comes out and says that Steve Austin promises to be at No Way Out if Vince lets Eric keep his job.  Vince is so thrilled at this news that he pulls down his pants.  Then he schedules Eric Bischoff v. Steve Austin for No Way Out in a gimmick match.  The gimmick is that Eric Bischoff can’t wrestle.  Oh well.

Next Week:  Further developments in the Jim Ross pizza story.  Steve Austin is referred to but doesn’t actually, you know, show up.  Plus, an all musical episode of RAW is highlighted by Booker T’s rendition of “Every Breath I Take (Sucka)” dedicated to his fallen friend Goldust.

Kane:  Shhh…Just get in the car and let’s get out of here.
RVD:  Thank God HHH forgot his plot to make us job to Tommy Dreamer last week.
The Chief:  Shhhh…He might hear us.
HHH:  Hey, guys, what’s up?
KN:  YEAARRGH!
HHH:  Is this about that whole, “exposing the business thing” last week?  Forget about it. I was just ribbin’ ya.
TC:  Whew.  That’s GREAT news, Jean Paul.
HHH:  What was that?!?!
RVD:  Oh, great.  Thanks a lot, Chief.  Now we’re going to be jobbing forever.
HHH:  That’s right.  Starting on Heat.  To Sergeant Slaughter.
TC:  Crap.
Stevie Richards:  What?  THAT’S punishment?  Sigh.  My career is a joke…

Finis.

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