by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(We open backstage…)

Triple H:  I hope they like jobbing.
Stevie Richards:  Hey, Hunter!  I heard about you and Stephanie.  Congrats.
HHH:  Thanks, Stevie.
RVD:  What about them?
SR:  They got engaged.
Kane:  Engaged?  But I thought they were divorced and on different shows?
HHH:  Uh…yeah…Uh…Stephanie’s coming over to RAW now that we’re reconciled.
The Chief:  Not as far as I’ve heard.  Hey, you aren’t exposing the business are you?
RVD:  I think he is, The Chief.
HHH:  Your mortal rules don’t apply to me!  I’m making you all job to Tommy Dreamer.  In a gauntlet match TONIGHT.
Tommy Dreamer:  Uh…I can’t do that.  I’ve got The Book.  It’d be unfair for me to put myself over people unfairly.
HHH:  You’ve got the book?!  When did that happen.
TD:  Right after you made me job to Batista.
HHH:  Uhh…Damn.  So, wait.  You DON’T want to unfairly put yourself over people?
TD:  No way!
HHH:  What, are you from like, Mars or something? 

BEWARE The Revenge of Stevie Richards!!!

(Opening Credits)

Rob Van Dam (w/ Kane) v. Lance Storm Action Figure (w/ William Regal)

I’ve always thought that the managing ranks needed a little more Kane.  The crowd sits in stunned silence as Rob poses and the action figure lays unhelpfully on the mat.  Five Star and it’s over!  A post match brawl between Regal and Kane provides more excitement than a barrel full of rabid gummi worms.

Shawn Michaels is backstage bemoaning the loss of his luggage on the way to the arena to Jeff Hardy.  OH NO!  What has become of your “Prayer Warrior” T-Shirt?  I guess that does explain the mixed “College Professor/Gay Bar Regular” signals he’s sending off.  Eric Bischoff walks by to congratulate Jeff Hardy on hitting a spot last week, but Shawn isn’t having any of it.  His luggage story is more important dammit!

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Eric Bischoff is out to the ring.  He says that the all singing all dancing show was bumped because the boys were too busy watching “Joe Millionare” to learn their lines.  That’s too bad.  He re-instates The Chief to non-jobber status and promises to look into the redisappearance of The Warrant.  Then Eric turns his attention to Steve Austin.  Eric says that their gimmick match may have the stipulation that he can’t wrestle, but he’s sure as hell going to prove all the skeptics wrong.  So he books himself in a match against J.R.  J.R. is so shocked by this revelation that he stops writing his Internet column several weeks ago.  He also books a match with Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy against Chrises Jericho and Tian and has 2/3 of the Dudley Boyz thrown out.  Now we’ll see who the jobbers are.

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Stevie Richards is backstage feeling awesome about his revenge.

SR:  Hey!  Victoria did you see my revenge?
VT:  Uh…No.  Does it have anything to do with me?
SR:  No…Say, why weren’t you there to help when I lost to Sergeant Slaughter last week?
VT:  Didn’t you hear?  I was conspicuous by my absence.
SR:  Oh.  Wait, huh? 

Jazz enters

JZ:  I’m only back for two reasons, to beat your punk ass and to take my man Stevie back.
VT:  Oh, yeah?  Well, you can have him.
SR:  Don’t worry ladies, there’s enough Stevie to go around.  Ladies?  Geez, I should have stayed with Beulah.  THERE was a good lay.

Tommy Dreamer enters and shakes his head.

SR:  I’m jobbing to the Brawler on Heat, huh?

Tommy nods his head.

Jacqueline and Molly v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Jazz

Umm…Oh boy?  The crowd sits in stunned silence as there are no faces in this match except for Jackie, and she doesn’t count because they’re not in Texas.  Jazz pins Jackie causing Teddy Long to go into fits of hysterics.  D’Lo couldn’t be reached for comment because he got FIRED.  BWAHAHAHA.  See if they’re “Down with the Brown” in the Unemployment line!!!  Oh man, I’ve got a million D’Lo getting fired jokes, but unfortunately they have nothing to do with this match.

Booker T stands by with…GOOD LORD!  It’s Alexandra York.  My computer says, “This Segment will Suck”.

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Booker T says that Goldust is getting better but he’s still worried.  You know who doesn’t seem to be worried?  His ex-wife.  Typical.

Triple H is watching the interview with “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Randy Orton, and Ric Flair.  Tommy Dreamer enters.

TD:  You’re losing to Booker T tonight Hunter.
HHH:  I’m WHA?
RO:  Oooo…There’s a new booker in town.
DD:  By “booker” are you referring to Tommy Dreamer, the booker, or “Booker T.”
RO:  Uh…Tommy, I guess.
RF:  Whoo!  I’m gonna take your mama on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!

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D’Lo Brown…WAS FIRED!!  Have fun in TNA jobbing to that guy with one leg, you jobber!  Oh…Wait.  He’s got a job with the WWE and you DON’T!!  Poor D’Lo.

Al Snow v. Rodney Mack (w/ Teddy Long)

Teddy Long says that “The Man” is holding down black wrestlers.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen marshmallows that were blacker than Rodney Mack.  Tough Enough is over, so it is Al that gets cut.

Chris Jericho and Chris Tian are getting ready for a match against Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy.  Beware the blown spot and the overzealous dancing!

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Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy

Realizing that there is no way that Shawn is going to job when he wrestles on RAW, Jericho hand cuffs him to the post while Shawn is dancing around on the outside.  Jeff blows some spots and things aren’t looking so good, until, in a moment of crazy go nuts brilliance, Shawn uses a hair pin to unlock the handcuffs.  Shawn always accessorizes.  Two superkicks and a blown spot later and Jeff and Shawn are dancing around in joy of their win. 

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Jericho whines and complains that he’s feuding with Test, Jeff Hardy AND Shawn Michaels, and STILL nobody loves him.  Join us next week when Jericho starts a feud with Spike Dudley, Rico, the Cast of TV’s Family Matters, and a Parrot.

The Hurricane v. Christopher Nowinski

Oh, I get it!  They’re feuding over who gets to have an “H” on their tights.  Uh…The answer is “Hurricane”.  Now Nowinski will have to graduate from another school.

The Chief is making fun of J.R.  Eric Bischoff bemoans the lack of wrestling on the show, and then readies himself for his main event against one of the announcers.

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Three Minutes (w/ Rico) v. Spike Dudley

The Jobberness of Spike > The Jobberness of Three Minutes and Rico.  Wow.  I bet Rosie and Jamal hope they book this match EVERY week.

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Scott Steiner asks Alexandra what his chances of winning at the PPV are.  The computer spits out the lyrics to “Happy Days”.  Booker T comes in and tells Steiner that it's time for their match.  Steiner dumps the chainmail.  No cruiserweights tonight.

Triple H and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair and Randy Orton) v. Booker T and Scott Steiner

HHH and Batista start holding everyone down until Tommy Dreamer runs in and canes everyone.  With Triple H knocked out, Booker runs over and pins him causing the crowd to erupt and banners and confetti to float down from the sky in celebration.  Then everyone remembers that this was just a tag match and the next week’s parade is canceled.  Shoot.

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Coach comes out and is sad to see his buddy Howler Monkey is missing.

Eric Bischoff shows off his mad skillz by breaking various fruits.  All this needs is a sledgehammer.  Where’s Triple H?

Jim Ross v. Eric Bischoff (w/ The Chief)

Eric’s mad ninja skillz are no match for J.R.’s “kinda stand there and throw an occasional punch”.  Geez, this is JUST like Street Fighter.  What would be REALLY cool is if The Chief suddenly shrunk two feet and turned green and grew orange hair all over.  Instead Eric just breaks a cinderblock over J.R.’s head.  Lawler comes running down for the save, but he’s intercepted by The Chief.  Then Eric drinks beer.  Where’s Stone Cold?  Where?

Not there.

Next Week:  Fall out from No Way Oot as Canada’s finest show up and cheer for Bret Hart.  Test re-appears to complain that Torrie took his spot.  And Steve Austin…Will be there.  No, seriously.  We PROMISE.

See YOU then.

E-MAIL MATT    
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