by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

We open backstage once again…

Tommy Dreamer:  …And that’s why I want you to job to Spike Dudley.
Triple H:  The who is going to do what now?
TD:  Should I draw you a picture?
HHH:  Uh…no thanks.  Then there’d be way too much going on for me to really focus
on what I’m going to do tonight.  Which is getting my job back from Booker T.
TD:  Uh…Hunter, why don’t you just take the night off.  You worked hard at No Way
Out, you deserve it!
HHH:  No way (out)!  You’re the best, Tommy, thanks.

HHH walks away.

TD:  That was about as fun as getting hit with a half full cup of beer.
Paul Heyman:  Tell me about it.
TD:  What are you doing here?
PH:  I got “promoted” to consultant.
TD:  Doesn’t that mean you just sit around and cash paychecks?
PH:  Pretty much.  Want a beer?
TD:  Do I!

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff hobbles down toward the ring.  Stone Cold beat him up pretty bad for making fun of Buford.  Ain’t nobody gonna mess with Good Ole Buford.  Bischoff says that Austin won’t be here tonight.  But…but…but…The intro!  I promised in the intro, Eric!!  He’s truly heartless.  But Eric promised a special guest surprise…

The Rock!!  The Rock says that he’s finally come back to RAW because his usefulness on Smackdown has ended.  He mocks Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan, then he invites us all to see his new movie Come on He’s the Next Big Action Star Please Believe Us, starring The Rock and Estelle Getty.  Hey, I’m there.  Apparently the Rock will be in a twenty man battle royal, TONIGHT!

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When Victoria and Stevie Richards sit down for commentary, Jerry Lawler tells Stevie that the best seat in the house is on his lap.  Stevie dutifully sits down.  God, I hope there’s a match soon.

Jazz v. Jacqueline

Aw crap.  Victoria kinda mumbles something about Jazz, and then Trish Stratus comes out.  Is there wrestling yet?

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Wow, Test and Some Guy try to convince drunk girls to take off their tops.  Test has never looked so effeminate as he does in that silky shear shirt.  I guess he didn’t get the memo about the girls being there.  They all get into a bus full of girls.  You know, that happened to me one time.  I spent seven weeks at that nunnery, until the government finally ransomed me.  Working the caramel mines wasn’t SO bad, I guess.  Hey, where’s Torrie Wilson?

Maven’s probably wondering the same thing as he watches this video intensely.  He sacrificed his LEG for her dammit!  Test says that Stacy didn’t know what “Girls Gone Wild” meant, and thought he would be throwing pies with Mark Summers.  Stacy comes in all pissed that Test won’t be on Nickelodeon, when The Chief drops by and tells them that they have a match tonight against Chris Jericho and Chris Tian.  Stacy is…uh…crabby?

Goldust’s body is now demon possessed.  He tries to eat J.R. but J.R. isn’t having any of it.  J.R. only goes well with barbecue sauce.

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Kane (w/ Rob Van Dam) v. Lance Storm Action Figure (w/ William Regal)

A match?  No way!  Well, not so much a match as Kane pinning the poor defenseless action figure.  Rob Van Dam is mad that he took precious time out of his Zen Meditation to come out here and watch a big guy in a Halloween costume pretending to put an action figure in an armbar.

Randy Orton is sitting next to “Dave” Batista “Davidson” delicately trying not to throw his arm out while eating carrot sticks.  Batista is coaching him (“Lift!  One!  Dip!  Two!  Much!  Three!”).  Ric Flair breaks up this exciting snacking to tell them that they have a match.  Is Orton wearing Hammer Pants?!  Oh no!!  Booker T and Steiner are Doomed!

Booker T and Scott Steiner v. Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

J.R. says that Scott Steiner is being booed because of the Pro-American tights he is wearing, until The Patriot (w/ The Parrot) comes running down the aisle in American flag tights with an American flag cape and gets a massive pop, after which J.R. just kind of mumbles to himself.  Then Chris Jericho runs out and hits the Parrot with a chair!  Oh no!  What a horrible man!  In the meantime, the Hammer Pants make a “SHOCKING SWERVE~!~!” and turn on Randy Orton for the Booker T. victory.  Scott Steiner spent the majority of the match looking at the ring bell because it was shiny.  Come on, Scott!  It’s not even THAT shiny!!

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A Steve Austin video promoting his return next week.  Nuh Uh.  I don’t believe it.  And I won’t believe it until Steve Austin himself shows up at my house and gives me five dollars.  And even then, I’ll be skeptical.

Test & Stacy Keibler v. Chrises Jericho and Tian

You know, for a girl who didn’t know she was wrestling tonight, it’s AWFULLY convenient that Stacy had Toronto Maple Leafs (Leaves?) gear all ready.  The crowd loves their Maple Leaves.  Chris Jericho goes all violent on Stacy…wait…no!!  This match has three Canadians!!  It’s in CANADA!  You can’t not show this on TSN!  Damn you Chris Jericho!!  Stacy seems to be quite flexible.  That’s neat.  Chris Tian takes the liberty to handcuff Test to the ropes while he’s standing there doing his “kind of fuming” look.  Jeff Hardy blows a spot on his way to the ring, so it’s up to Shawn Michaels to save the day.  Which he does by dancing around.  Good for you, Shawn.  If I could use one word to describe that segment it would be “crazygonuts”.  If I could use three it would be “How about flan?”

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Vince Carter is ultimately more threatening than Randy Orton.

Christopher Nowinski v. Jeff Hardy

Nowinski comes out to try to take advantage of the “Beating Up Jeff Hardy 24-7 Rule”, but he blows a spot trying to talk on the mic.  Jeff is influxed with courage after seeing someone ELSE blow a spot that he beats up Nowinski and pins him.  He hit a SPOT!!

Christopher Nowinski v. Jeff Hardy

In the second round of this thrilling match, the ref awards the match to Nowinski because he likes Dairy Queen.  And you see…Uh…Jeff took Test’s match at the PPV last night because of a blizzard.  Which…uh…of course they serve at Dairy Queen (as a Blizzard).  So, as you can see, Jeff Hardy is guilty of causing said Blizzard and thus guilty of a DQ, and loses the match.  Simple.

(ads)

Kane tells RVD that he’s going to win the Battle Royal tonight.  RVD says that HE’S going to win the Battle Royal tonight.  Jamal and Rosie enter and say that THEY will win the Battle Royal tonight, and everybody has a good laugh.

The Rock is talking with What I Can Only Assume Is Some Kind of Baker about baking some pie.  Then, Rock apologizes for last week’s WWE Musical cancellation, and blesses us with a song:

(To the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”)

Rocky had a little plan
It doesn’t involve Al Snow
It is time that Rocky went
And quit this wrestling show.

The Hurricane comes in to increase the “The” quotient on this show and to mock The Rock for his crappy song.  The Rock cries.  Then they compare super hero stats.  The Rock beat some guy with a mohawk.  Hurricane beat Christopher Nowinski.  Just about equal.

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The Chief v. Jerry Lawler

Jerry Lawler is “The King” increasing the “The” quotient even further.  “The” Dudleyz come running out and hit “The” 3-D, allowing “The” Lawler to win.

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Steve Austin Video again.  I’m still waiting for my five dollars.

Ric Flair stands with Dave Davidson and Randy Orton.

The Rock is backstage too.

Look it’s a duck.

A WWE Battle Royal (w/ Rodney Mack, Rosey, Jamal, Test, Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, Rob Van Dam, Kane, The Hurricane, “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Randy Orton, Stevie Richards, Al Snow, Maven, Booker T., The Rock, Lance Storm Action Figure, William Regal, Jeff Hardy, Scott Steiner, Possibly Some Halibut, A Couple Announcers for Good Measure, and The The)

Wee.  This is the very definition of a clusterfrick.  Some people run around and then all of them but Rock and Booker T jump out of the ring.  That was convenient.  The Rock may or may not be Maven.  It’s kind of hard to tell.  Well, it’s no matter because Booker T wins.  The Rock (or possibly Maven) claps.  Wow.

Next Week:  Triple H. shows up.  Maybe?  The Rock stars in his latest movie, “The Rock Does Stuff” and draws box office records.  Oh, and Steve Austin…Aw hell, I don’t know anymore.

E-MAIL MATT    
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