by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Backstage…

Tommy Dreamer:  Hey, Hunter, I need you to do me a favor tonight.
Triple H:  Uh…like what?  Go over both the Dudley Boyz in a handicap squash?  All right!  I had you all wrong, Dreamer!  You’re an alright kind of guy.  I’m so excited for my match tonight.
TD:  No.  I’ve already got you booked against Maven tonight.
HHH:  Who?
TD:  Now, I’m not going to ask you to put him over, Hunter, but could you just..you know…make him look good?
HHH:  Sure.  You had a really big feud with him in ECW, didn’t you?
TD:  No, that was Raven.
HHH:  Oh, right.  What ever happened to him?
TD:  He quit because he didn’t have a spot in the company any more.
HHH:  What a loser. 

Three Minute Warning, The Chief, Chris Tian, El Dandy, MTV VJ Sway, and a Couple Ducks are talking with Eric Bischoff.  He says, “Oops, my plan to take out Steve Austin sucked.”  Everybody is in agreement.  Oh, wait, Limp Bizkit is playing at WrestleMania.  Everybody is in agreeance.  See?  I’m down.  The Rock meanders into the shot, and Eric decides to have a little chat…

EB:  You know, you have a match tonight against Booker T.
TR:  I do?
EB:  Yeah, don’t you remember?  We signed it last week.
TR:  No kidding.  We carry stories over from week to week now?
EB:  Uh…yeah.  I guess…
TR:  Well, not THIS WWE Superstar.  Booker T can find his own segment, I’m going to go talk to my crotch.
EB:  Er…ok then Rock.  Tell your crotch I said “Hi”.

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Rob Van Dam and Kane

What the start of every RAW needs is a little more Kane!  RVD and Kane are excited, because they know that their buddy Tommy Dreamer has their backs.  However, those Canadians have the power of “Jericho has an angle to set up for WrestleMania here”, and so Jericho sneaks in a win.  While he’s celebrating his victory, Shawn Michaels invokes HIS “angle to set up for WrestleMania” powers to Superkick Chris Jericho with the love of the Spirit.  Oh, the bitter irony.  I guess we’ll see them both at WrestleMania.

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Well, hey!  It’s Booker T.  He’s come out to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show, including the fact that he WON’T be wrestling The Rock tonight.  For whatever reason Triple Naitch ambles down to the ring and tells Booker T that he’s taking all the fat boys’ old ladies on a ride on his Leer Jet to Space Mountain.  Booker T doesn’t know what the hell Flair is talking about, and to be honest, nobody has known what the hell Flair’s been talking about for 20 years.  We’ve just been nice to him.  Then Booker T says that, unlike pop superstars Milli Vanilli, he’s served jail time for holding up a Wendys, causing Nathan Jones to freak out because Booker is stealing his gimmick.  Then Ric Flair says that Booker T’s kind of people aren’t fit to hold Championships. 

Booker T’s kind of people.  Oh!  I get it.  It’s “those” people.  People from WCW.  Huh.  I agree.  They aren’t fit to carry my jock.  And I don’t even do anything (other than writing) that requires me to WEAR a jock.  Those people from WCW are dirty filthy “Dancers” and “Entertainers”.  Come on, Kanyon, dance for me.

Booker T is INCENSED that Ric Flair of all people would say such things about people from WCW, so he runs backstage and attacks Terra Ryzing.  Hey, it’s HHH’s Door!!  He must have heard about Rock’s shocking words last week and turned coat again.  HHH’s Door is the Lex Luger of the WWE!!~!

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HHH and Ric Flair go on a hunt for that dirty “WCW” guy…

Jim Ross hypes Brock Lesner v. Kurt Angle.  What an exciting match sure to drive up RAW’s rating!!  Wait…what do you mean “Smackdown”?  Never heard of it.

Jeff Hardy v. Rico (w/ Rosie and Jamal)

Jeff Hardy comes out, depressed as usual, knowing that he’ll probably blow a spot and job.  Then he sees Rico and gets a big smile.  Jeff blows as many spots as usual, but Rico knows his lot in life and jobs anyway.  What a win for Jeff!  He’s in his Imagi-Nation now!

Triple H is making faces at Maven, ostensibly for not being Raven.  Maven and his friend Random Guy are sad because HHH doesn’t feel he even needs to talk to them to hold them down.  Finally, HHH speaks.

HHH:  You’re one of them.  One of those “WCW” guys.
MVN:  Uh…no I’m not.  I won Tough Enough…
HHH:  No, I heard you were in WCW.  You lead the Flock.  You’re trying to take my spot!!
MVN:  That was Raven.
HHH:  Who?
RG:  Can I leave?
RF:  I took your old lady to Space Mountain last night, fat boy.
RG:  Huh?
MVN:  Just play along.
RG:  Oh, I’m stung by your words, Triple Naitch.
RF:  Woooo!

Steve Austin is backstage when he runs into the Ghost of Goldust.  Austin is like, “What?”  Goldust’s Ghost is like “Booo…I’m a Ghost.”  Austin gives him a Stunner.  He’s not afraid of no ghosts.

The Rock is backstage complaining that he heard that “Cleveland Rocks” but he, in fact, has seen very few rocks in  Cleveland other than himself.  Then he opens up a jar of pickles, only to find…The Hurricane…

TH:  Eww…I’m all briney.
TR:  Great Goldust’s Ghost!  It’s The Hurricane!
TH:  Uh…Yeah.  Hey, Rock.  I’m getting tired of having to find stupid places to hide every week in your locker room.
TR:  You haven’t hid in The Rock’s pants yet.
TH:  True.  I also haven’t hid under a tray of cheese and crackers yet…
TR:  Uh…so…you doing anything later?
TH:  Not really.
TR:  Wanna have a match?
TH:  Can I take a shower to get this pickle juice off me first?
TR:  Sure.  Why not.
TH:  Great.  Yuck.

Then Raw went off the air for a while, because Coach Nash accidentally wheeled over the extension cord going from the production truck to the building and unplugged it.  Of course, when the producers came out to yell at him, he pulled out a roll of Mentos and chased them off with it.  That Coach Nash sure can be intimidating.

Meanwhile, at a local Toys “R” Us…

The Chief:  Uh…Where do you keep your WWE action figures?
Store Clerk:  Aisle 7, sir.  Is there one I can help you find?
TC:  Uh…do you have a “Lance Storm”?  We broke ours, and now we need to replace it.
SC:  No, I’m afraid I’ve never heard of that one.  Are you sure you don’t mean “The Rock”.  He’s very popular.
TC:  No, I need a “Lance Storm”.
SC:  I’m sorry, sir.  How about Steve Austin.
TC:  No.  Lance Storm.  Geez, are you sure you don’t have a Lance Storm?  Maybe in your marked down section?
SC:  No, sir.  We have a Val Venis.  I think he’s supposed to be some kind of used car salesman.
TC:  Porn Star.  He’s a porn star.
SC:  Are you sure about that?
TC:  Positive.
SC:  Whatever you say, sir.
TC:  Listen, would you just LOOK for a LANCE STORM action figure?
SC:  There’s no need to be rude, sir.  Don’t make me get my manager.
Store Manager:  What seems to be the problem?
SC:  This customer is being very rude, sir.
TC:  I just want a LANCE STORM action figure.
SM:  Is that some kind of G.I. Joe?
TC:  No.  He’s a wrestler.
SM:  Uh…You mean like The Undertaker?  We’ve got lots of those.  Let me get you one.
TC:  No.  Lance Storm.  He’s supposed to be my tag team partner tonight?
SM:  Sure, he is.
Lance Storm:  Hey guys.  What’s going on?  New book club?
TC:  LANCE?!?!
LS:  Oh, hey!  The Chief!  Did you say that I had a match?
TC:  But…but…you exploded.  I saw you explode.  I told you that you were getting a push, and then you exploded. 
LS:  Oh, yeah.  That.  You should know about that.  You’re Canadian.
TC:  Huh?
LS:  Whenever a Canadian explodes, it just means we’re happy.  It doesn’t mean we died.  Hell, I exploded twice today.  Once when I found out that I wasn’t out of Corn Flakes and once when I found a nickel in he parking lot.  It saves us from showing emotion.
TC:  No kidding.  I don’t think that’s normal, Lance.  You should get that checked out.
LS:  Whatever.  I’m happy to see you…BOOM…Just kidding.  I’m not.
SC:  This is the Lance Storm, you were looking for?
TC:  Yeah.  Thanks.
SC:  That’ll be $14.99.

Oh…Hey.  Raw’s back on.  Certainly with all this time they’ve really improved on this next segment!

Trish v. Jazz
For the Number One Contendership for the WWE Women’s Title

Victoria runs out and hits them both with her belt.  Uh…Good job improving the segment?

Eric Bischoff is out and offers a “Sorry I Tried to Kill You” FTD Flowers basket to Steve Austin.  Steve isn’t having it.  Eric, you went about this all wrong.  You’re supposed to have weeks and weeks of mysterious boxes filled with puppies and Kanyon to say “I’m Sorry I Tried to Kill You”.  Austin makes some vague threats like “What?” and “What?”

Then Rock comes out and things get Crazy Go Nuts.  Well…Uh…Tepid Go Nuts.  Rock says that all his career all he’s wanted to do is win a freaking match at WrestleMania.  Undertaker’s won, what, 12 now?  All he wants is one.  Austin is too busy beating up Bischoff at this point to care.  Rock cries.

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Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Maven

Maven looks all serious, then HHH hits a Pedigree and pins him.  Al Snow runs out to tell HHH that he’s cut for not giving Maven any offense, but HHH hits a Pedigree and pins him.  Then God comes down from Heaven to tell HHH to knock it off, but HHH hits a Pedigree and pins him.  Damn that Cerebral Assassin!

Eric Bischoff says that he’ll show Steve Austin what a real non-wrestler is like in their match next week.  If Vince McMahon can feud with a guy who doesn’t wrestle, so can he.

Stacy is talking to Test who is off in Texas signing some necks.  Sicko.

Steve Austin’s chat with Scott Steiner about the economic impact of the beet drought on the Algerian economy is interrupted by Terri who tells Steve about his match next week.  Steve says “What?” and then gives Terri a Stunner.

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The Chief and Actual Lance Storm v. Reverend D-Von Dudley

Bubba is cast off before the match starts.  Actual Lance Storm is excited to be in the match and explodes seconds in.  You’d think this would bode well for D-Von, but no, he still loses.  The Dudleyz are approaching Three Minute Warning levels here.

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Jerry Lawler shoots some random girls with a super soaker in what I guess is supposed to be “sexy” action.  Then Stacy comes out and tells him to shoot her ass with water.  I hope she realizes that everybody in the back is going to think she peed her pants.  No, none of the wrestlers saw that segment.  None of them ever watch this show.

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The Rock v. The Hurricane

The Rock beats down Hurricane before Hurricane uses the old “pickle juice” in the eye trick on Rock.  Oh, man.  I haven’t seen that one since Harley Race and Terry Funk were doing it back in the day.  Of course, that was back in the time when pickles and wrestling were synonymous with each other, and people wouldn’t attend a wrestling show if the ring wasn’t doused in pickle juice.  Uh…or something.  Rock gets control back until Steve Austin runs out because he forgot his watch at ringside, but they play his music, so Rock is distracted an Hurricane pins him.  Then HHH comes running out to find out what the hell is wrong with Rock to make him put over all these guys, but he gets caned by Tommy Dreamer.  Then Dreamer poses with The Book as the show goes off the air.

Next Week:  Shawn Michaels Superkicks Chris Jericho again, this time “Just for fun”.  Triple H goes over a bunch of “those WCW” people again.  I eat a pickle.

Join us then!

E-MAIL MATT    
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