by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Speaking of, thanks to an old friend, I got to catch a sizable chunk of this crap fest:

A note to the guys:  Highlight of the Girls Gone Wild PPV I watched?  Torrie looking for blowjob advice?  No.  A frigging Wrestling angle?  No.  Snoop Dogg’s off the hizzle for shizzle?  No.  Drunk Stacy?  No.  Jonathan Coachman announcing women taking their clothes off like it's Rodney Mack v.  Spike Dudley.  What the hell is up with that?  Also, why the hell is he trying to enforce the “rules”.  Isn’t this rated MA?  Screw it. 

A note to the ladies:  Hey, ladies.  You’re looking good.  Don’t worry, I still think you’re hotter than any of those slutty girls.  Well…except Stacy.  Sorry.

We open…backstage?

Tommy Dreamer:  Oh, man.  What did I ever do?
Triple H:  I heard you were kicked off the booking squad, Tommy.  Sorry to hear that.
TD:  It’s YOUR fault!  I knew you had it in for me.  Telling Stephanie that I was a crappy writer.
HHH:  Whoa.  Hey now, I didn’t say ANYTHING to Stephanie.  I loved your ideas.
TD:  What about last week.  I told you to make Maven to look good.
HHH:  Yeah.  And I did.  That kid looked great because he was in the ring with ME!
TD:  So why did I get kicked off the booking team?
HHH:  You were posing with the book at the end of last week’s show.  Not only were you hogging glory, you were exposing the business.
TD:  But…You…You do that kind of stuff all the time.
HHH:  Yeah, but I’m The Game.  The Cerebral Assassin.  Doing that stuff is my job, man.
TD:  It’s hopeless, isn’t it.
HHH:  Probably.
TD:  Well.  I’m off to get ready for my match…
HHH:  Match?
TD:  Yeah.  I’m going to have a match with Lance Storm.
HHH:  Not now you’re not.  Welcome back to loserville, Tommy.  You can carry my bags, if you’d like.
TD:  Ugh…All right, Mr.  Helmsley.

Poor, poor Tommy.

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day.  Where’s my Shamrock Shake Pool Women’s Title match?  Or at least Crash Holly, for Pete’s sake.

Eric Bischoff is standing backstage warning WWE superstars that he was going to change his match with Steve Austin three or four times tonight.  He tells them to pay close attention or else they’ll look stupid.  He says that for now, it’s a lumberjack match.

Rob Van Dam and Kane v. The Chief and William Regal Dressed as Lance Storm

What I’m thinking is that WrestleMania needs a little more Kane.  Where’s Kane’s match?  Nathan Jones has a match.  Storm isn’t fully repaired yet, so Regal takes his spot this week, despite still having a concussion.  Nobody notices.  Kane punches RegalStorm and he yells “Ow!  My head!  Where am I?  Oh…I’m concussed” and everybody has a good laugh, except for RegalStorm.  Then, RVD pins RegalStorm for the win.  After the match, Bubba and Reverend D-Von Dudley run out and put Kane through a table!  OH!  HEEL TURN!  Then D-Von hits RegalStorm with a punch to give him another concussion, just for laughs.

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Reverend D-Von is sad because The Chief made them turn heel.  So then the turn Tweener.  The Chief doesn’t know what to think of this segment so he just tells them that he’s decided that Eric Bischoff’s match with Austin will be a table match.

Triple H and Triple Naitch come out to visit with us.  Suddenly, HHH sees Goldust’s Ghost floating toward the ring.  Triple H doesn’t job to ANYBODY especially not a stuttering ghost, so Goldust’s Ghost just kind of hovers outside the ring.  Booker T runs out and kicks everybody.  Goldust’s Ghost says “Boo”.

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HHH is backstage and is pissed off.  None of those dirty WCW people should be kicking in HIS ring.  To help prove his point, he challenges the Ghost of Goldust to a match.  Wait…huh?

Rico (w/ Three Minute Warning) v. Maven

During the Match, Maven enters the arena!!  Impossible.  Wait.  Was that supposed to be the Rock?  Oh.  Tommy Dreamer runs out and canes Three Minute Warning to help Maven get the win.  After the match, Tommy cries because he didn’t help Maven get any more over.

Terri is wandering around backstage.  Shawn Michaels wanders past her.  Wow.   That was…pointless…

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Shawn Michaels tells Steve Austin that Eric Bischoff has changed their match to a ladder match with a beer at the top of the ladder

SA:  What?
SM:  A ladder match…
SA:  What?
SM:  With a beer…
SA:  What?
SM:  At the top…
SA:  What?
SM:  Steve.  Come on…
SA:  What?  Oh, I’m sorry, Shawn.  I’m just messing with you.
SM:  Come on Steve…What do you think about your match at WrestleMania?
SA:  I think he’s gonna lose.  Just like you did.
SM:  Ouch.  That hurts man.  You know I’m sensitive.

Backstage, Teddy Long is reading WWE Referees Undressed:  The Magazine.  The Rock walks by.  Rock takes away the magazine to get the limited edition Tim White pics.  Rodney Mack walks by and tells Rock that he’ll beat Hurricane for him tonight.  Rock is pissed off because Rodney Mack is a huge jobber.

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Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd

Hmm…That Andre is a hoss.  They should push him.  Oh wait.  Never mind. 

The Hurricane v. Rodney Mack (w/ Teddy Long)

Hurricane is OBVIOUSLY well on his way to the main event.  To help prove this point, Rock runs out and hits him back down the card.  Nobody is taking Rock’s spot…for a few more weeks anyway.

Hey!  Beer.  Does that mean Austin is winning tonight?

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Trish Stratus was on Mad TV.  The announcers try to make this sound like an accomplishment while I laugh. 

Victoria and Stevie Richards v. Trish Stratus and Jazz

Not only apparently have I lost track of who the faces and heels are in this division, I missed Stevie's sex change.  Oh, wait.  An “intergender” tag team match.  Oh.  Ok, that explains Jazz.  Oh, who cares.  Jazz wanders off to console Rodney Mack on his loss and Trish gets pinned.  Jeff Hardy runs out and blows some spots.  Then he makes out with Trish.  Trish is in shock.

JH:  What?
TS:  You can’t just come out here and make out with me…
JH:  Why not?  It worked for Matt.
TS:  Well, Matt doesn’t blow spots and paint himself green.
JH:  Oh…
TS:  And it’s not like Lita could do a lot better.
JH:  I always hoped that she and Danny Doring would work it out.
TS:  Go away, Jeff.
JH:  Back to my Imagi-Nation, I guess.

Jim Ross announces that the Austin/Bischoff match is now a casket match.

Chris Jericho talks to Coach about his match with Shawn Michaels at Mania.  Jericho tells a girl walking by to take off her shirt.  Coach says, “Oh, man.  That girl is taking off her shirt.  I don’t know about you, Chris Jericho, but I’m really looking forward to all the great matches at WrestleMania.”  Jericho shakes his head.  Chris Tian breaks up the excitement to tell Jericho that they have a match with Test and uh…somebody else.  Jericho kicks Coach in the crotch.

Stacy gets liquored up while Test reads the articles in Torrie Wilson’s Playboy.  No.  Seriously.  He was reading the articles.  What a loser.

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Scott Steiner and Test (w/ Stacy Keibler)

The crowd cheers for Steiner which takes him by surprise so much that he grabs Stacy’s ass.  Stacy passes out.  Test is confused about what is going on that he gets pinned.  Poor Test.

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Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. The Ghost of Goldust (w/ Booker T)

Triple H is pissed off that Goldust is still stealing his “Dead Wrestler” gimmick that he brings out SmackDown Referee Mike Sparks and crams Goldust’s Ghost into his body.  Booker T runs in but injured Randy Orton hobbles out to break that up.  Referee Goldust counts his own job.  Neat.  It’s fun AND efficient.

Fred Durst is going to be at Wrestlemania.  He says that he thinks that everybody is in agreeance that he and Britney Spears would have made a cute couple.  Tommy Dreamer runs in and canes Durst for eating up midcard time.  I think we’re all in agreeance that Tommy is a badass.

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Eric Bischoff is about to bemoan the lack of Wrestling on his show when Rock comes in and sings a song about his crotch.  Then Rock says that he’s arranged for an orchestra and an all star cast of presenters to be at Raw next week for his big concert.  Eric Bischoff has no clue what the hell rock is blathering about.  Rock suggests that the Bischoff/Austin match be No DQ, and Eric gives the okay.

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Steve Austin v. Eric Bischoff (w/ The Chief)

Before the match, The Hurricane comes out in a flannel shirt, The Dudleyz come out with a table, Kane comes out with a casket, and Shawn Michaels comes out with a ladder.  While everybody argues about what the hell, exactly, the point of this match is, runs out and Stunners everybody and gets the win.  Then Rock comes out and hits the Rock Bottom on Austin.  Then Rock drinks some beer.  Oh!  That’s YOUR move, Austin.

Next Week:  Steve Austin sings a song about his crotch to get back at Rock.  Hurricane continues his rise to the Main Event by jobbing to Victoria.  The Journey on the Road to WrestleMania continues as Vince McMahon pulls over and asks for directions.

Join us then!

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