by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Lilian Garcia sings the national anthem.  Boy, I hope there’s MORE singing tonight.

Oh, here’s Steve Austin romping down to ringside.  Everybody is sad because Steve Austin ignored the fact that there’s supposed to be a match right now.  “What?  A match?  Right now?  What happened to the 20 minute promo?  To start the show?”  Everybody gives in.  Steve’s right, the show DOES need a twenty minute promo to start the show.

Test comes out to protest the lack of wrestling on this show and Stacy Kiebler comes out because where there is Steve Austin, there is liquor.  Austin Stunners Test and Stacy.  Don’t Stunner Stacy, Steve!  That’s playing with fire there, and as Kane will tell you, playing with fire leads to a life of wearing a mask and hanging out with stoners.  Lance Storm, Duct Taped Together comes out to try to get a quick match in with the KO ed Test, but Austin isn’t going to have any of that from Lance Storm, even if he IS duct taped together.  Stunnerville.

Eric Bischoff moseys out to get himself some face time.  Oh, boy, the longer this segment goes, the more likely it becomes that Cheatum the Evil Midget makes an appearance.  Bischoff says that he’s got a restraining order that says that Austin isn’t allowed a 20 minute promo BEFORE Bischoff gets HIS 20 minute promo, so Austin is under arrest.  Sacramento’s Finest Poor Actors come out to take Austin away.

Bischoff says in the spirit of the Wrestlemania season, they’re actually going to make good on The Rock’s promise of a concert tonight.  I hope he sings about his crotch.  Speaking of The Rock’s Crotch, it and The Rock are backstage singing to Steve Austin as he leaves.  Austin screams like a 12 year old girl for Rock’s rugged good looks and angelic voice.  I’d say that that was “Crazy Go Nuts” but…I think I’ll just go with “Crazy”.

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Trish Stratus and Jeff Hardy v. Victoria and Stevie Richards

WOW!  It’s…a…uh…a match.  Wow.  Haven’t seen one of THESE in a while.  Oh…wait it’s a mixed tag match.  Never mind.  I’m sure the next match will be good.  Jeff and Trish share a conversation just before the match…

TS:  Just because we’re teaming up tonight…don’t take it to mean ANYTHING.
JH:  Uh…sure thing Trish.  But in my Imagi-Nation you and I are already married.
TS:  Um…Oooookay…Just try not to blow any spots tonight.  Ok?
Jeff slips off the turnbuckle.
JH:  What?  I couldn’t hear you over the cheers of the screams of the teen girls and middle aged gay men.
TS:  Oh, God.  Can I submit right now?
JH:  And I think I have some paint in my ears.

Trish rolls Victoria up quickly and runs toward the entrance, but Jeff follows.  They share a tender moment as Jeff tries to explain that in his Imagi-Nation nobody blows spots and women’s wrestling actually means something.  Trish seems to be coming around, when Jazz runs out to knock some sense back into her.  THANK YOU, Jazz.

Eric Bischoff is talking with someone on the phone about how cool not having wrestling on his show is tonight when Jonathan Coachman wanders in and does a dance.  Bischoff leaves the room.

Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks tells rapper Busta Rhymes that he believes in him and his chances at WrestleMania.  Busta Rhymes has a match?  Is he in the John Cena challenge?

Bischoff walks to the security table where he sees that Austin is sitting outside with his truck moping that he didn’t get a promo.  Coach dances by.  Bischoff tells him to go bother Austin.

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Steve Austin is still outside moping.  Hurry, Steve, there’s a camera RIGHT THERE.  Cut your promo now!

Scott Steiner v. Chris Tian

Wow…I totally didn’t get my wish.  Steiner beats the crap out of Christian for wearing crappy green tights.  Those are pretty shiny…shiny…Oh No!  Steiner is so mesmerized by the shinyness of the tights that knocks Christian out, pins him, and steals them.  Christian uses the ass crème.  Wait.  Never mind.

Coach dances out to Austin’s truck.  He gets stunnered.  Then Shawn Michaels Superkicks him for stealing his gimmick.

Terri asks The Chief what the deal is with the tag titles, specifically because neither William Regal or Lance Storm are capable of holding the titles.  The Chief says that he’s just going to take one for himself and if Lance can stay taped together, he can hold the other one.  This is getting boring.  It needs a little more Kane.  Good, here he comes with Rob Van Dam.  They think that they should have a match at WrestleMania.  The Chief books a match between them and The Dudleyz in a Loser hosts WrestleMania from The World…Wait…What do you MEAN there’s no The World anymore…Dammit…ok…a Loser hosts WrestleMania from Gene Okerlund’s Basement Match.

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Steve Austin is still outside.  Still in his truck.  WWE:  We’re JUST as exciting as CNN’s War Coverage.

Booker T and Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks v. Triples H and Naitch

Uh…

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Ok.  Booker kicks everything in sight including the referee.  Everybody argues about how the match should go when a Man in a Lucha Mask comes out and whispers something to Booker T and Goldust.  Booker kicks HHH and then pins him and Goldust uses his mad refereeing skillz to count the pin.  Flair is livid.  The man in the mask takes it off to reveal…Tommy Dreamer!!  We’ll see you at Wrestlemania Tommy!!!

Maybe.

Jim Ross tells me that RAW is going to overrun for a half hour.  I’m going to get carpal tunnel…TONIGHT!

Triple H is crying backstage.  Ric Flair tries to console him.

HHH:  Damn that Dreamer!  First I lose Dave Davidson and Randy Orton…Now I’m jobbing on RAW.  RAW Naitch.
RF:  It’s all right.  You’re still the champ, man.  And besides, I lost to Rico on RAW and look at me now.
HHH:  So now you’re saying that I’m going to be managing Kane in a few months?
RF:  Well…I was thinking more along the lines of The Hurricane…
HHH:  If I lose at WrestleMania, my career is over, Ric.
RF:  Uh…Woo…?
HHH:  Huh?
RF:  Hey, fatboy, last night I gave your old lady a ride on Space Mountain.
HHH:  Stephanie?
RF:  …Uh…no…
HHH:  …

HHH pedigrees and pins Spike Dudley to cheer himself up.

Chris Jericho is out to discuss himself and Shawn Michaels.  Michaels dances out too.

CJ:  Hey, Shawn.  I just wanted to be serious for a second.  I really respect you and I always wanted to be like you.
SM:  Well…that goofy ass outfit is a good start, sister.  Heyoooo…
CJ:  No.  Seriously, Shawn.  It’ll be a real honor.  Look, I brought a bunch of really old clips of me emulating your moveset.
SM:  Stealing it don’t you mean.  What is it with you people?  First Coach, now you!  Dammit, quit stealing my gimmicks.
CJ:  Fine.  Whatever.  I’m really looking forward to wrestling you on Sunday.
SM:  And I’m really looking forward to humping the Canadian flag again.  Hehehehehe
CJ:  I hate you.

Ooo…What an intense war of words!

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The Rock tells Eric Bischoff to put some speakers outside the arena so that Steve Austin can hear the Rock’s concert.  Ooo, the plot twists!  I hope it doesn’t cause Steve Austin to come into the building…

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Rob Van Dam and Kane v. The Dudley Boyz
Loser hosts WrestleMania from The World…Wait…What do you MEAN there’s no The World anymore…Dammit…ok…a Loser hosts WrestleMania from Gene Okerlund’s Basement Match.

Why even bother with the matches?  They could come out and play Pogs or something.  The crowd ignores last week’s Dudley tweener turn and cheers anyway.  The Dudleyz are sad.  They were hoping that the tweener turn would revitalize their careers.  Anyway, before long Lance Storm and The Chief come out to muck up the proceedings, but they accidentally distract the wrong team in a wacky mishap that is sure to have the audience rolling in sidesplitting laughter.  Join us next week when The Chief accidentally spills battery acid into Bubba Ray’s Pepsi which leads to hospital hijinx.  There really isn’t enough hospital hijinx any more.  RVD wins.

Austin is on his cell phone.  Can you hear me now?  What?  I said “Can you hear me now?”  What?  CAN YOU HEAR ME?  WHAT?  Goddamn service areas…

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The Rock is wearing Britney Spears’ microphone.  Well isn’t that cute.  He sang three songs.  A verse from each?  Why I thought you’d never ask.

“Rock Rock Rocky’s Crotch”
(To the tune of “Row Row Row Your Boat”)

Rock Rock Rocky’s Crotch
Near his pant’s seam.
Crotchety Crotchety Crotchety Crotchety
More over than Rocky’s Spleen.

“No Wrestling Tonight”
(To the tune of “Hard Days Night”)

No Wrestling Tonight
This show was written by HHH’s dog.
No Wrestling Tonight
Had to make time for this song
But when WrestleMania gets to you
The Rock knows the things that he’ll do
Will make you feel all right.
Don’t be uptight.

“Hurricane”
(To the tune of “Hero”)

The Rock is so high,
He can see the Hurricane.
The Rock is so high,
He can see the Hurricane.
Oh, Good stuff, Good stuff.
Thanks, RVD(eeeeeeeee)

But Rock isn’t high after all, because that actually IS the Hurricane driving Steve Austin’s truck down to ringside.  Uh…right.  Hurricane gets carted off for grand theft auto (vice city), but Steve Austin was hiding under a big conspicuous looking tarp in the back of the truck and he jumps out and breaks Rock’s guitar.  Dude, I’ve heard of musical criticism, but that wasn’t very nice.

BONUS(?) RAW

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My fingers hurt.  Typing is hard work.

HEY!  Wait a minute.  This is Smackdown stuff.  Boooo…

Vince McMahon says that we should all watch how he tricked Hulk Hogan last week.

Mean Gene asks Hogan what he’s gonna do when he tangles with Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania.  Hogan says “Well brother, I’m gonna take out Yappappi strap number one and I’m gonna lash into him.  Then I’m gonna say, Tazz, brother, give me Yappappi strap number two.”  Then Vince runs out from the crowd and hits Hogan with a chair.  Then he hits Mean Gene with a chair too for good measure.  Figuring that it doesn’t do him much good to bloody up a good ring, Vince mops up Hogan’s blood with the Hogan/McMahon contract.  Way to clean up, Vince!

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Elsewhere, Kurt Angle says that Brock Lesner should apologize for attacking Eric Angle.  Stephanie McMahon tells him that “Here comes the Beef” and Brock Lesner hops out and menaces.  God…This show sucks.  Brock threatens to break Kurt’s neck at Wrestlemania but Kurt says “Too Late” and cries.  You made him cry, Brock.  That’s not very nice.

Is that it?  Is it over yet?

Next Week:  On a special four hour post-WrestleMania Raw, we spend quality time watching most of Smackdown.  Steve Austin gets his own concert special, and sings songs about Rock’s crotch.  New WWE Champion The Brunette Catfight Girl explains how she used politics and sex appeal to worm her way into the WWE Title Match.

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