by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Video Package.  Video Package.

Opening Credits.

God, this show sucks.  I blame HHH.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.  I hate them.

Steve Austin Comes down.  Oooo, the Crippled RattleSnake, he’s so cool  He can’t even slither anymore.  Eric Bischoff spews some crackpot medical terminology and fires Austin.  Good.  He was lame.

(ads)

HHH goes over Hurricane in a lame match.  HHH sucks.  He holds everyone down and killed Hurricane’s heat just when Rock was getting him over.  I’m disillusioned.

Oh, you know I’m kidding.  April Fools joke my ass.

Last Night:  WrestleMania hit Safeco Field like a…well…a wounded swallow.  RVD made his big PPV appearance…wait…no he didn’t.  What WrestleMania needed was a little more, Kane, but instead we got Rowdy Roddy Piper.  Oh, and more stuff happened.

The Rock is cleaning his sunglasses.  Wow.  Join us later when he washes his dishes and does his laundry.  TONIGHT

(Opening Credits)

Hey, look, it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin.  What?  Austin SPEAKS…”I lost.  What?”  Wow.  Scintillating.  Austin goes on to tell Rock that he’s going to stand around in the ring until the show is over.  Eric Bischoff to complain about the fact that this is the SECOND week in a row Austin is taking away his promo time.  This time Bischoff mumbles something about Austin losing at Battleship and then says Austin is fired.  Battleship?  Austin says “What?”  Then he leaves the ring.  Beware the power of Battleship.

(ads)

Jim Ross is mad.  “Battleship killed Austin by GAWD.  How Bischoff found out that Austin’s submarine was at C-7 I’ll never know, but one thing I will say is that we’re live in Seattle buy my Barbecue Sauce!!!”

Triple H (w/Ric Flair) v. The Hurricane

Flair freaks out when he sees Hurricane stealing Bret Hart’s gimmick and chops the kid Hurricane gave the mask to.  Then he tells the kid, “Last night, I took your mom on a ride to Space Mountain, Fat boy.  Whoo” and the kid is all like, you didn’t tell me you were going to Disney world, and the mom just smiles.  That’s wrong.  HHH forgets who he is for a second, and SELLS for Hurricane.  What the hell?  Then Hurricane gets all excited and HHH pins him.  Hunter looks down at the Hurricane when Flair pulls off Hurricane’s mask to reveal:  TOMMY DREAMER!!!  Dreamer pops up and nails HHH with a singapore cane.  HHH better watch his back because Dreamer’s making a run for the title at Backlash!

Backstage, Kane is putting his boots on when RVD walks in.

KN:  Uh…Rob…You couldn’t even get us over enough to be on Mania…
RVD:  Dude, come on, I’m not a miracle worker, we were supposed to fight each other, but then Lance Storm…The Chief…
KN:  Save your excuses, Van Dam.  We’re through.
RVD:  Hey, it was Undertaker and Nathan Jone’s Fault
KN:  You talking about my brother?
RVD:  But, I got a copy of the Booking sheet, and we’re gonna win the tag titles tonight.
KN:  No kidding?
RVD:  Yeah, dude.
KN:  Geez, fine.  Let’s go.

A man exiled for two years who’s making his return at Backlash?  Could it be?  The return of Van Hammer?

Scott Steiner v. Christopher Nowinski

In the annals of magical items, there are many that have stood over years and years of wrestling.  Ultimate Warrior’s Tassles of Power, Undertaker’s Wide Brimmed Hat of Summon Paul Bearer, Scott Steiner’s Chain Mail +1 v. Cruiserweights, but lowliest among these is Christopher Nowinski’s Face Mask –1 v. Roid Freaks.  Why he decided to wear it tonight, we may never know, but what we do know is that it didn’t help him not job tonight.  Steiner wins.

Terri is hoping to get a word with the recently fired Austin.  “What”.  There’s your word Terri.

(ads)

Jim Ross says that Eric Bischoff will BURN IN HELL for firing Austin.  You know…I doubt that.

Bubba Dudley is trying to tell D-Von that it’s not so bad being a heel, but it’s not going well.

DD:  I TRIED that man.  They made me an evil reverend and had me reading sermons and “testifying” to the The Father Vince McMahon, The Son Shane McMahon and the Holy Stephanie.
BD:  Really?  No, kidding.  I never watched Smackdown.
DD:  Heel turns are some messed up crap in this company, man.  Don’t do it.

Spike Dudley comes in.

SD:  Hey guys, how’s the heel turn going?
BD:  Hehehehe…Look D-Von, Spike’s trying to be on the show.
DD:  Aw…Isn’t that sweet?  C’mere you little guy…

Lance Storm, Duct Taped Together and The Chief enter…

DD:  Hey, Lance.
TC:  Don’t…uh…don’t talk to Lance.  His mouth is covered in tape.
LS:  Mmmmph
BD:  So, what’s up?
TC:  We’re jobbing to RVD and Kane tonight.
DD:  Aw Man.
SD:  Where do you want me, The Chief?
TC:  Aw…Isn’t he just the cutest?
BD:  Let’s go.

Booker T is backstage when suddenly he attacks Ric Flair, who was standing around.  He tells Flair that he’s pissed off that HHH wouldn’t do the right thing at Mania, and now he’s going to take it out on some sad sack cracka jack.  Froot Booty!

(ads)

Rosie (w/ Rico) v. Maven

Rosie is hoping that no Jamal equals no jobbing.  Maven hits a roll-up.  That’s…uh…his move?  Maven wins.  Sorry, Rosie.  Maybe it’s Rico’s fault.

Jerry Lawler went to the Playboy Mansion and…uh…exploded.

Unfortunately, he has Lance Storm’s doctor.

Chris Jericho is out, and he says that Shawn Michaels should have lost last night, because he isn’t Canadian.  Then Shawn comes out and humps the Canadian flag.

Booker T. v. Chris Jericho

The two hug to console each other for their losses last night.  What a nice moment.  Ric Flair runs out to break that up.  HHH comes down and now it’s Gettin’ Jiggy in Seattle, as HHH runs down to beat up Booker T.  Then, Shawn Michaels dances out to get some face time in, but he gets beat down too.  This is not a good segment for the faces.  Coach Nash gets ready to come down, but his wheel chair gets caught up in the curtain.

Jeff Hardy v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Where’s the Russian Lesbians?  Huh?  Well, if any match SCREAMS RAW…This isn’t it.  Jeff blows some spots, but cleverly smears paint all over Richards to distract him.  Victoria stands around, which brings out Trish Stratus for the…uh…save?  Jeff goes over anyway.  Jeff tries to tease “sexual tension”

JH:  Wanna go back to my Imagi-Nation and get into the back of my tricked out station wagon?
TS:  This isn’t WWE Crush Hour (available at a store near you) and no.
JH:  Are you sure?  Sexual tension, Trish!  We could advance both our careers…
TS:  By our you mean yours, right? 
JH:  Yeah.
TS:  Go away, Jeff.
JH:  Why won’t you love me, Trish?
TS:  Because you wear more make-up than I do, Jeff.
JH:  In my Imagi-Nation everybody wears as much makeup as they want.

Trish walks away with Jeff explaining exactly what is wrong with his Imagi-Nation.

Steve Austin says goodbye to random backstage guys.  Then they’re all like “Dude, that was GOLDBERG!  GOLDBERG!!”

(ads)

Test is talking to Torrie Wilson about how hot she looks next to all those great Playboy articles.  Stacy stumbles in and asks Test what the hell he’s doing.  Test tries to get Goldust Sparks to vouch for him.

TT:  Hey!  Goldust, I wasn’t on the phone with Torrie, right?
GD:  Sure you were you cheating bastard.
SK:  I nooo…I…KNEW it…you cheating bashtard.
TT:  Dude, what the hell, you’re supposed to stand up for me?
GD:  Not in a billion years, chumpstain.  I want a piece of that ass.
SK:  You just got punked out, babe.  Come on, Goldie.
TT:  Aw, hell.

The Rock wanders backstage and runs into the Random Guys.  He says hi and wanders off, leaving them gasping, “Dudes, did you see that?  MAVEN.  I LOVED Tough Enough.”

Rob Van Dam and Kane v. The Chief and Lance Storm, Duct Taped Together v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

D-Von isn’t sure whether or not he’s a heel yet so he just leaves.  Bubba is sure that he’s one of the two of them, so he just stands in the ring until he takes a chairshot from the Chief.  D-Von is feuled with righteous anger and comes back out, but he gets pinned by RVD.  Oh, boy, ads…

(ads)

Kane is standing around after the ad break, but nothing of note is going on.  Then Kane remembers that there’s a match going on, so he chokeslams everybody and rolls RVD into the pin.  The booking sheet never lies!

Eric Bischoff says that he doesn’t care if Austin is fired because he’s got another surprise that would shake the WWE to it’s knees.  But…Vince only kept Eric around because of Austin, and now Austin is gone after an errant game of Battleship, and now…uh…wait…

(ads)

The Rock comes out to a video montage of him doing various The Rock-like things.  Then he says a bunch of stuff.  Suddenly, some familiar music hits and out comes…

Brutus The Barber Beefcake!

But he’s just there to collect his pay for shaving Rock’s head.  Then, oh, yeah, Goldberg.  He comes out and GORE GORE GORE!!!  Rock is not feeling the love.  Goldberg eats a bagel.

Next Week:  Goldberg eats a Cinnamon Bagel with Cream Cheese.  Austin stares forlornly at the outside of the building before driving down to ringside on a Big Wheel.  And HHH/Jericho v. Booker T/Michaels is canceled when Coach Nash can’t get his darn chair moving because some punk kids put his breaks on.

See you next week…

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.