by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

1) I wanted to wish my dad, “Get Well Soon”
2)  I wanted to thank the people who’s apartment I crashed for WrestleMania.  You didn’t know us, but we had pizza, and that’s all that mattered.

On with the show!

Last Week:  Fallout from Wrestlemania occurred as Steve Austin was fired for playing Battleship on Company time.  Tommy Dreamer got HHH to sell for him by dressing up like The Hurricane.  Brutus Beefcake made his return, overshadowing Goldberg, the bagel-eating badass.

(Opening Credits)

Jazz v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Who cares?  Not even Jeff Hardy, because he doesn’t come out to watch the object of his affections.  So…yeah.  Trish wins.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Maven.  Maven says that he’s going to challenge Goldberg.  Eric laughs him off and tells him a story about how Jerry Flynn used to do the same thing, and then whoops, before you knew it he was 500-0.  Maven cries.  The Rock comes in and sings about his crotch.

HEAT on TNN:  No…None of THESE guys will be there.  Though it’d be amusing if they threw together a video package featuring Rico, Spike Dudley and Molly Holly.  Hehehe…that’d be fun.  “The (second…third?) Greatest Action in Sports Entertainment, now on TNN!

RVD is backstage trying to pawn off his title belt.  Kane comes in.

KN:  Rob, man, what are you doing?
RVD:  Kane!  I missed the Mania payoff, dude!  I’m trying to get some cash for my stash.
KN:  Cash for you…hey!  That rhymed.
RVD:  Uh…yeah.  Hey, do you want to buy a title belt?  Another one, I mean?
KN:  Nah man.  Keep it.  Hey, want to go to my house and put dead animals in my basement?
RVD:  Yeah.  Maybe later, dude, maybe later.

Teddy Long…Oh God…Teddy Long is still there?  Ok.  Let me compose myself.  Teddy Long is backstage with Rodney Mack.  He’s with Jazz.

TL:  Hey, listen, market reports say that we aren’t black enough and that’s why we’re not over.
RM:  Yeah.
TL:  So we want you to join our stable.  Instead of us backing the Mack, the Mack will back you.
JZ:  Uh…Huh.  You really think I’m going to hang with you losers?
TL:  Come on, your husband wants you to…
JZ:  Well…ok…
RM:  I what?  No…wait…I…what?
Jackie:  Don’t you want me in yo sorry ass group?
TL:  Maybe when we hit Texas, loser.

The Rock is backstage telling Trish to stop being Willie The Worker, already.  She was ON the WrestleMania Card.  Trish asks Rock what the hell he’s talking about, and he says “His crotch”.  Jeff Hardy shows up in the shot and tries to make out with Trish, but she’s not having any of it.  Then he says that he’s Willie the Worker, as well as a misunderstood poet, and Rock hits him in the face with a chair.

(ads)

Steve Austin may not be a Pro Wrestler anymore, but he sure can no sell a chairshot.

The Chief v. Rob Van Dam

Bwhahahahaha…Oh wait.  Rob Van Dam is a loser now right?  Oh.  The Chief has got this “Wrestling” thing going for him now.  That’s pretty cool.  I bet he misses Porn.  Lance Storm Duct Taped Together comes out and tries to attack RVD, but Rob ends up getting stuck to a stray piece of tape and unraveling Lance.  Oh no!  RVD is pretty happy with himself, until he gets rolled up and loses to The Chief.  Hahahahaha RVD, you’re a jobber now!

Booker T and Shawn Michaels compare dance steps backstage.  Booker has more rhythm.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels and Ivory sign autographs for some troops.  “Right now, you’re getting more TV time than I have in months.  *Hugs and Kisses*  Ivory"

Scott Steiner v. Chris Nowinski

Chris Nowinski debuts his new gimmick:  War Protesting Hippie Monger.  Oh, boy!  Where’s Bradshaw.  You KNOW he’s sitting at home itching to get involved in this.  He’ll put this to rest.  Steiner runs out and shoves Nowinski’s Face Mask –1 v. Roid Freaks into Nowinski’s hands and then shoves him off the stage.  Then he says “Holla If You Hear Me”.  Nobody Hollas.  Guess the town is deaf.  No contest.

Goldberg is eating a Cinnamon Bagel with Cream Cheese, backstage.  Oh!  Look at the charisma!  Random Backstage Guys nudge each other.  “Dude!  Stone Cold is back!”  “I thought he got fired!”  “Oh, man!  Look at him eat that bagel!  STUNNER!  AHAHA!”

(ads)

Sable returns!  When’s Tammy Sytch coming back?  What do you mean “Never”.  Oh.  Really?  Get out.  OH.  Never mind.

J.R. and The King say that they’ve found a video that sums up the career of Goldberg.  Tony Schiavone!  This is a NEW DAY FOR WCW!!  A bunch of clips of Goldberg punching a car and ruining his tendons intermixed with shots of Nitro Girl Spice are shown.  Yeah.  That about sums it up.

Chris Tian is hounding Rock for an autograph.

TR:  What’s this?
CT:  It’s the Tough Enough Season One DVD.  Sign it, “To Chris Tian, you’re the best, sorry you broke my leg.  Love, Maven”
TR:  I’m not Maven.  Check the tats.
CT:  The what?  I’m not going there, man.
TR:  The tats.  TATS.  Tattoos?
CT:  Oh.  Right.  Oh.  The Rock!
TR:  Right.
CT:  Have you seen Maven?

Trish and Jeff Hardy are in the hall making out.  OMG OMG!  Raver Grrrls everywhere are crushed.  Jeff flashes the camera a smile and pulls out an empty bottle that is labeled “Jeff Hardy’z Xtreme Bottle of Spanish Fly.  Please don’t Touch, without asking the master of Imagi-Nation (Jeff Hardy)”.  Jeff, you dog, you.

(ads)

Jeff Hardy v. The Rock

Jeff is so hyped up on Trish lovin’ that he can barely hold himself together to make it to the ring.  In fact, he falls at the entrance and just kind of rolls down to ringside.  Rock tries to pick him up, but Jeff starts blowing spots all over the place.  Not wanting to get paint all over his cool new tattoo, Rock just no sells and then kicks Jeff.  Rock wins!

Rock isn’t done.  Oh no.  He’s not leaving until he gets at LEAST one more segment in, so he just kinda stands there, while Jeff waddles away.  Wait, Goldberg comes down and it’s Crazy Go Nuts city as Rock bails.  Chris Tian comes in, hoping to get his “100% Alcohol Fueled” T-Shirt signed.  Goldberg spears Chris Tian.  Rock is sad.  Maven/Austin at Backlash!!

(ads)

Terri asks Rock why he’s impersonating Maven.  Rock is all like, “Check the tats, biatch” and Terri says, “Sure thing, Rocky”.  Uh…Next.

The Dudley Boyz v. Kane

Two out of three bookers agree, this show needs MORE Kane.  Handicap matches NEVER work.  They should have trucked out 3 Minutes for this.  Unless they got fired.  Did they get fired?  Wait…The Dudleyz win?  What the hell?  Did I enter “Bizarro Land”?  The Chief and Lance run out to make sure that nothing resembling a backstage segment after the match occurs.  RVD comes out too.  Stuff occurs.  More stuff will probably occur later in the show.  Maybe.

If you’re good.

Test is threatening to Big Boot Goldust for stealing Stacy last week.  But then Stacy comes in and sees that Test has clipped out all the “Non-article” pages of Playboy and forgives him for having the magazine.  Then Stacy low blows Test and HEEL TURN~! She leaves with Goldust again.  What a pimp.

Austin’s music plays, but in his truck is Eric Bischoff.  Austin’s Truck jobs to Bischoff!  Then to show TRUE heel nature, Bischoff adjusts Austin’s rear view mirror.  Just like Albert!  J.R. says he wants off this crappy show right now and wanders backstage.  Then Jerry Lawler chases after him because JR stole his wallet.

Howler Monkey and The Coach!!!  That’s awesome.

Goldust v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Now I’m watching Heat!  Great.  Howler Monkey rules the school on commentary.  Stevie gets control and asks Victoria to give him something to hit Goldust with, and she hands over an RVD Foam Finger.  Goldust no sells the Foam Finger and gets the win.  Even Goldust won’t sell for RVD.

Chris Jericho and Triple H are teasing…tension? 

CJ:  You HELD ME down, man.
HHH:  That was a year ago get over it.
CJ:  No.  You ruined my career.
HHH:  You weren’t ready for it.  You gotta strap a rocket to your back.  Or…something.
Triple Naitch:  Ok fat boys, I took both your old ladies on a ride on Space Mountain last night, WHOO!
CJ:  The Hell?
HHH:  Just…Let’s not fight, Chris.  For Naitch.
Flair makes puppy dog eyes.
CJ:  That’s just disturbing.
HHH:  Let’s go.  Nash has got to debut his new gimmick.

(ads)

Two French Guys steal Randy Orton’s gimmick.  News At 11.  Nobody likes them because they’re Freedom.

Chris Jericho and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Booker T and Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels never wrestles!  Especially not on RAW!  This is a special event that will happen only this once and never again.  NOTHING will stop…

(ads)

Ok.  What was that?  I mean…Come on!  Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH.  Holy crap.  REWIND…

Come on!  Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH.  Holy crap.

Wow.  That actually happened.  Well, my conception of the business is ruined forever.  Booker's all like, “Why couldn’t I have done that LAST week?”  Then Jericho and Michaels and Flair wander back in from wherever the hell they were at.  It’s Milling Around in Milwaukee!!  Hurricane runs out…for no…reason…

Then Tommy Dreamer comes out and clears the ring!  He’s a bad ass.  HOLY CRAP!  Coach Nash runs out and powerbombs The Coach for stealing his gimmick.  Howler Monkey screams and runs off into the crowd!  Coach Nash can walk!

He poses and throws out his shoulder.  Ow.

Next Week:  Coach Nash powerbombs another announcer.  Terri?  HHH continues his startling trend of having good matches.  Oh, and Goldberg and Rock settle their differences just in time for Passover. 
 

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.