by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Coach Nash runs…walks briskly…no…waddles.  There we go.  Waddles down to the ring.  Nash says that the Clique should just be one big happy family again.  X-Pac, Scott Hall, and Justin Credible come out, and Nash powerbombs them all.  He wasn’t talking about YOU guys.  Jeez.  Triple H comes out to offer a counterpoint.

HHH:  We can’t be one big happy family, Shawn stole my Dance Dance World Title.
KN:  You got it back.
HHH:  Yeah, well, he also stole my gimmick of being the injured guy who never jobs.
KN:  Really?  Damn, that was going to be my gimmick too.

Shawn Michaels dances out for a counter…counter point.

SM:  Hey, Hunter, you’re a nobody who just got to where he was by sleeping with the boss’ daughter.
HHH:  Oh yeah, what’s with those fruity tights you always wear?  Going to a gay bar later?
SM:  Yeah, see you there Mr. Lavender briefs.
KN:  Guys, knock it off, or so help me, I’ll turn this segment around so fast it, so help me…

Oops, I’m sorry.  This was my review of TNN’s new family comedy, My Three Main Eventers featuring the zany escapades of “The Responsible One” Shawn Michaels, “The Uptight One” Triple H, and “The Cool One” Kevin Nash as they try to convince their rich boss Vince who lives up stairs that they’re still valuable assets to his company.  Featuring appearances by Stephanie as Vince’s wild and crazy daughter who falls into love AND wacky escapades with Triple H, and Chris Jericho and Booker T as the crazy and lovable duo who live right down stairs from the boys and always complain about their positions in life.  Guest Starring Pat Paterson as the lovable land lord who suspects that the boys might be gay and Triple Naitch as the crazy old guy who sleeps in HHH’s closet.  Coming this fall to TNN!  Err…I’m sorry, the NEW TNN.

Stacy Kiebler is rifling through Test’s stuff when she finds a copy of the new Divas 2003.  She gets pissed off.  Test wanders in.  He’s all “Hey, baby, you were in that too!”, But she’s not buying it.

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Chris Jericho v. Test (w/ Stacy Kieber)

During the match, Stacy leaves to go get drunk.  Test is like “OH NO!  Don’t leave me.”  But then Jericho hits (hits?  Holy crap!) the Lionsault.  Jericho wins!  Stacy gets Drunk!  More Hot RAW Action coming up, later.  I promise.  Sorry there was none in this segment.

Eric Bischoff is here and things are about to get crazy go nuts.  No, wait.  They’re not.  He’s just here to say that he’s gotten lots of e-mail about firing Austin and (a few about J.R.).  Wait…Eric has an e-mail address.  I want it!  “Dear Eric, Quit wearing that damn leather jacket.  Thanks!  -Matt”

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Test and Stacy are still arguing about whether or not she is drunk and whether or not she’s in the Divas Magazine.  He shows her a picture of her and she passes out.

Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Jazz (w/ Teddy Long) v. Trish Stratus and Ivory

Poor Trish would be w/ somebody if Jeff weren’t too busy showing RVD around the Imagi-Nation.  The effects of the Spanish Fly have worn off anyway, and Trish is better off for that.  Ivory comes out and everybody is like “Who?  Oh, Ivory.  She’s a face.  Wait.  This is the women’s division, never mind”.  Jazz wins.   Teddy Long says “Playa” and calls Coach “whitey”.  Ha, ha.

Goldust Sparks runs into Goldberg.

GS:  Hey, there Steve.  I thought you got fired.
GB:  Geez, I’m Goldberg, not Stone Cold.  GOLDBERG.
GS:  What a ribber.  I hear your match with Maven is going to be off the charts.
GB:  Oh, man.  Rock.  Goldberg, that’s me, is fighting Rock, that’s not Maven.
GS:  Really?  Like on Heat?
GB:  No…at…Never mind.  I’ll just say “What?” so you can leave.
GS:  Whatever, you Steve Austin impersonator.
GB:  Aren’t you supposed to be stuttering?
GS:  Shut up, and quit stealing my Heat.

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Kevin Nash is considering.  Do I wear the 4 Life T-Shirt for the Run in, or the n.W.o. one?  What do you MEAN they disbanded?

Eric Bischoff comes out again.  Apparently he didn’t get my e-mail.  He starts trying to sell off Austin merchandise so that the company can clear room in the warehouse for all that Chris Benoit stuff that I hear is taking the world by storm.  He tells us that for the low price of $99.95 we too can get a case of Austin crap.  Like a Stone Cold T-Shirt, or a Sippy Straw, or the Stone Cold Home Pregnancy Kit (If the Bottom Line says “Hell Yeah” you’re having a Baby), or one of the many other fine pieces of totally worthless Stone Cold Merchandise that Vince keeps finding in his drawers at home.  Booker T comes out to get him one of those “Steve Austin’s List ‘O’ Unreadable Jeff Hary Poems” but ends up challenging Triple H instead.  What?  The segment ends with him taking some candy and saying “Can You Dig that?  Sucker!”  And running without paying.  Booker T steals again!

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Rob Van Dam and Kane v. The Chief and Lance Storm Duct Taped Together
No DQ for the WWE World Tag Team Titles

No DQ?  Oh, I wanted a Blizzard.  Shoot.  The Chief looks distressed.  Tagging with Lance Storm, taping him together, and not getting TV time got you down?  Take one of these “Steve Austin Bobble Head Dolls”.  Just like the real thing, only it’s plastic and only moves its head up and down.  And it looks nothing like Austin.  But look past that and revel in the inherent enjoyment of the fact that his head moves in a nodding motion.  Steve Austin Bobble Head doll will NEVER disagree with you, Chief.  Here take one, we’ll be right back.

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Uh-oh, the Dudleyz run out and try to steal the Austin Bobble Head Doll.  The Chief is so destracted that he jobs.  Oh, no!  Face Turn for the Dudleyz!  Kinda.  Somewhere backstage, Spike is waiting for his cue.  Poor, poor Spike.  Needed MORE Kane.  Like Another Kane.

Triple H and Triple Naitch are arguing with Bischoff about a match with Booker T.  Triple H doesn’t want to have to sell for him AGAIN.  The Hurricane makes an unexpected appearance.

HC:  I’m Willy the Worker!
HHH:  No you’re not.  Trish Stratus is.  Maven said so.
HC:  Can I wrestle tonight?
EB:  No, frankly Hurricane, nobody likes you.
HC:  Come on, how about a tag match.  Me and Booker T against Flair and HHH.
EB:  Oh, what the heck.  Flair can job and EVERYBODY will be happy.
RF:  I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain Fat Boy.  Woooo!
EB:  Who hasn’t?  Any way, sure match tonight.
HC:  I’m gonna use my Hurripowers on you all tonight.  BIATCH!!

Then Hurricane demonstrates one of his Hurripowers…Being Held Down.  BWAHAHAHA…Being held down jokes NEVER get old.

Faarooq and Bradshaw take time away from “Pounding Ass” to visit some injured troops.  Bradshaw says answering “Who are you, again?” never gets old.  Faarooq says “Damn”.

The Rock is “Live” via satellite from “His Crotch”.  He says he’s tired of people thinking he’s Maven, so he’s going to extend his tattoos another foot and a half each way.  Then he calls Goldberg “Mr. Whiskers, The Cat Who Couldn’t Read”.  Which, coincidentally is the name of his new movie starring himself as a firm yet sensitive reading teacher and Steve Guttenberg in the title role as “Mr. Whiskers”.  Looks like a Blockbuster (by that I mean, rental).

Chris Tian is backstage on the phone with Maven.  He thanks Maven for the inspiration that he gave him by signing the DVD last week, and that tonight, he’s going to show Goldust who really is, Tough Enough.  Then Chris Tian gets hit with a pie.

Goldust v. Christian

Chris Tian hits Goldust with a chair and gets on the mic.  He thought he wrote Goldberg, but his handwriting is bad, so he got Goldust.  Chris Tian calls out Goldberg.  Goldberg comes out and hits a spear.  Nice try at being elevated, Chris.  Goldberg does some weird facial contortions like he’s possessed.  Neat.  In a creepy sort of way.

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Christopher Nowinski v. Scott Steiner
Debate with Moderator Howler Monkey

HM:  Thanks for coming down, gents.  Mr. Nowinski, opening argument?
CN:  Certainly Mr. Howler Monkey.  This ignoramus doesn’t understand, this war isn’t about…
SS:  Holla if you hear me!
HM:  Your mic is on, Mr. Steiner.  Let Christopher finish his argument.
SS:  This War is about my freaks and my peaks.  Donald Rumsfeld, Big Poppa Pump is your hook up!
CN:  What the hell are you talking about?
SS:  I’m talking about beating in your face.  I’m gonna knock the school learnin’ right out of you.
HM:  OOOooo!  EEEeeek!
CN:  Help!  Oh, Help!  Oh, my spleen!

Nowinski is holding his lucky Mask –1 v. Roid Freaks, so Steiner has no problem dispatching him, all the while never losing his Chain Mail.  Then, Nowinski gets back on the mic and says, “You may beat the poor liberal college boy, but you’ll never beat THE FRENCH!” but then Howler Monkey shakes his head, and Nowinski yells “Uh, Somebody?”  Three Minutes and Rico come out, because they’re total peacenicks under that gruff exterior.  They’re also total jobbers.  But Steiner is getting sleepy, and Rico is wearing shiny pants, so they’re able to get the jump on him.  What a SHOCKING SWERVE(~!)~!

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The French are coming.  Hide your crepes!

Shawn Michaels is dancing backstage while he does the jumble.

Coach Nash is still hanging out back stage.  Come on, Coach!  Do something!

Booker T and The Hurricane v. Triple H and Triple Naitch

Everybody runs around the ring, afraid that nobody will like this match because there are no winners here.  Then, when enough time had elapsed, Shawn Michaels ran down and superkicked Flair to let Hurricane get the pin.  Hurricane wins!  For…uh…Booker T!  HHH is holding everyone down by not jobbing!!  Jericho runs out to make this unnecessarily crowded, and then Nash comes out just for fun.

The heels leave, but the faces start punching each other, because everybody wants to get that last shot of somebody looking “intense” on the RAW Credits.  Tommy Dreamer runs out and canes everyone, and steals the Credits shot.

Next Week:  Worlds Collide!  Chill when HHH beats Booker T.  Thrill at the exciting build-up for Austin/Maven 1.  Spill, pop all over as you reach for the phone to order some “Rattle Snake Brand Baby Wipes” to clean up your couch.

Until Next Time.  E-Mail me!  I don’t get enough e-mail!

E-MAIL MATT    
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