by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits, now featuring Goldberg.  And you thought the WWE wasn’t pushing him!  For shame!)

Speaking of Goldberg, here’s Steve Austin.  He finally got that damned briefcase after all these years.  No he’s the CEO and he owns 50% of the company.  Well…kinda…  Austin grabs a mic.  He says “What?”  That man has been gifted with some stellar mic skillz.  He thanks Linda for letting him be here, and he thanks his fans for never forgetting to chant “What” in between every word of everyone’s promos.  Finally putting the “What’s in the Briefcase” rumors from years ago to rest, Austin opens it up to reveal…

The Intercontinental Title?  Oh, man.  That’s really disappointing.  I was hoping for a puppy…or Kanyon.   Steve says that the RAW Brand is a little short on cash this month so he is putting the I.C. Title up for auction on E-Bay with the winner being announced at Judgment Day in a live ceremony.  My money is on ME!

Eric Bischoff is out to place a bid, but his Paypal account is down.  Poor Eric.  Austin says that he and Bischoff will be the bestest of friends and have tea parties and play with kittens all day until the RAW ratings go up.  Then Eric Bischoff, in a move that shocks…uh…well…The Chief, I guess…kinda…announces a HHH/Kevin Nash match for Judgement Day.  Wow.  I am in Shock and/or Awe.

To add some more fuel to this roaring inferno, Austin trucks out J.R. and Jerry Lawler, too.  Oh the hillarity.  Howler Monkey starts throwing his feces at J.R.  Man, that was what happened with Johnny Ace, too.  Bischoff is pissed off, and fires J.R.

SA:  Hired
EB:  Fired
SA:  Hired
EB:  Fired
SA:  Fired
EB:  Hired
TC:  Duck Season!  Uh…sorry.

Bwahahaha, that one ALWAYS works.  Austin and Bischoff agree that they are both deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling thus far on the show.  So they book a match.

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Jerry Lawler (w/ Steve Austin and J.R.) v. The Chief (w/ Eric Bischoff)

This wasn’t quite what I had in mind.  Howler Monkey and Coach are furious, because they aren’t involved in this match for their jobs.  Speaking of jobs, The Chief does one. 

Coach runs down to the ring to save his job, but he meets a KICKWHAMSTUNNER.  Howler Monkey just decides to get out of there and signs a contract to coach the Iowa State basketball team.

Triple H and Kane are backstage.

HHH:  Geez.  Can you believe that?  MY Intercontinental Title.  I mean, come on!  Goldberg comes out and says that he’s taking MY Title, away.  Damn that guy!!  He comes in, thinks he’s all cock of the block.  There’s only one cock on THIS block, buddy.
KN:  Man, that feud we had, then.  All for nothing?  I mean, I let you take away my I.C. title, and now I'’ve got to pay to get it back?  This sucks.
HHH:  Can I borrow $500?
KN:  Sorry, RVD keeps stealing all my cash.
HHH:  Dammit.

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The Chief is backstage trying to tell Bischoff that he’s sorry for getting Bischoff’s favorite announce team fired.  Bischoff tells The Chief that he’s fired.  The Chief tries to grab Austin to get him to reverse the decision, but he ends up getting Speared.  8-0!

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J.R. is happy to be back on RAW.  Lawler is sitting in monkey crap.  Where’s Rock when you need him?

Stacy Keibler gets ready to accompany Test to the ring.  Scott Steiner is admiring a shiny mirror.

SK:  I really think you and Steiner make a great team.
TT:  I don’t need you tonight, Stacy, we’re in Canada.  My home…uh…town.
Crowd:  Boooo…
TT:  What’s that aboot?
SK:  BenoitisawesomeOMG*****
TT:  What was that aboot?
SK:  I’m not really sure.  Let’s go.

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Scott Steiner and Test (w/ Stacy Kieber)  v. Rob Van Dam and Kane
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Kane’s pyro goes off.  Does that mean that they’re losing or not?  I can’t tell anymore.  This match needs MORE Kane.  As it is, Test yells “What’s that aboot?” and gets booed.  Speaking of “a boot” Test delivers one to Scott Steiner while he stares at Stacy’s shiny earings.  Kane!  Wins!

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Austin is waving wave after wave of beer and furniture into the little cubicle Bischoff set up as an office.

EB:  I thought you knew that RAW was SHORT on cash.  How are we going to pay for all this?
SA:  We’ll use your credit card.
EB:  We will not.  Besides, I maxed it out on hookers the other d…I mean…uh…
SA:  Whatever.  Come on, besides, once I drive the RAW ratings up, we’ll be rolling in cash.
EB:  Here, I’ve got…50 cents and this 1 dollar in Monopoly money.
SA:  You could try to sell your jacket.
EB:  It’s surgically attached to my skin.  Sometimes I wear ANOTHER jacket over this one.
SA:  No kidding?  I should do that with my vest.
EB:  It’s Monopoly money or bust.
SA:  That’ll do.  This is Canada.  What you just gave me is like 150,000 Canadian Dollars, and if they give us any grief, we’ll just say the Monopoly money is a Euro.  It’s not like they’ll know the difference.  Now go get drunk and hit on Jazz.  Ol’ Stone Cold’s got ya covered.

Kevin Nash is HOBBLING

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Chris Jericho is out and soaking up some Canadian lovin’.  He tells everybody to remember that in Canada, he is a face.  Then, he calls out Kevin Nash.  Nash comes out, and the crowd says, “Kevin Nash, what’s he going to talk aboooooooooooooooo…” and they never finish their sentence.

Uh…I don’t get a lot of e-mail, like I said last week, but I just got one that I think needs answering right now.  I’ll try my best to give a good solid answer:

Dear RAW Satire,

I never thought this would happen to me!  I was standing backstage minding my own business, when I heard my buddy (we’ll call him Kevin) out talking to my partner, Chris.  I couldn’t take it, I thought that they were going to fight over me, so I ran out to stop them.  But it was too late, Chris came up behind Kevin and hit him in the groin.   I ran down to stop them, but Kevin and I ended up fighting.  We’d fought before, but nothing like this!  He ripped my shirt off revealing my oiled manly chest, and he grabbed on my man-boobs like he’d never grabbed them before.  Sure, I got a little bloody, but that’s just when the action really started heating up.  We fought all the way outside, slowly plodding our way into the street.  What a sight we must have been:  nearly naked and sweaty, pounding each other with giant poles, each thrust more furious than the last..  But I just couldn’t take it any more, so I stole a car and drove away.  Now my partner, my mentor, my friend and my soon-to-be wife are all mad at me!  What should I do?

 -Hurting Horny Helpless

Dear HHH,

Is there something in your mineral water?  Kevin obviously is just using you for your affections, and it’s a temporary and very abusive relationship to you.  But I think your biggest problem is that you’ve got too much on your plate, and too many cooks in your kitchen.  I say you drop some of your baggage and get away for a while.  This Chris seems like an ok guy, if a bit protective of you.  Maybe he could take a more prominent role in your life.  It doesn’t sound like you’re really all that interested in your wife?  Is there something more (i.e. money, status, a job, etc.) that she brings to the table.  I don’t know anything about your mentor, but I’m sure he’s pretty cool if you like him so much.  An older, wiser influence can be a good thing now and again.  Settle down, be there for your fellow men and in return you will see a bounty of good luck in your career.  Good Luck, HHH!

-Matt

I hope I could help that poor guy.  Oh yeah.  Nash and Hunter fight.  Nash beats down Patterson and The Red Rooster who wind up on top of each other.  Homoerotic overtones in wrestling?  NAH.

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Jericho is catching some Halifax night life when he’s approached by Austin.

CJ:  Goldberg?  I thought we settled this last week?
SA:  What?  It’s me, Stone Cold!
CJ:  Oh.  Really?
SA:  You’re wrestling Kevin Nash next week.
CJ:  He’s not going grope my man-boobs, is he?
SA:  Maybe a little.

Booker T v. Lance Storm, Duct Taped Together

Lance is dragged out, screaming “I’m not a face, Booker’s not a heel, don’t cheer me!  I don’t know what the WWE is thinking aboot!” and the crowd pops.  Apparently the crowd had a little trouble with the “ker” part of his name.  Booker wins anyway, and Lance is falling apart.

Backstage Earl Hebner gives us a little 411 on how his son Brian got his mad beat box skillz.  Earl rules the school when it comes to thumping beats.

La Resistance are hitting on Stacy, but she thinks they’re crepes.

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La Resistance v. Spike Dudley and Tommy Dreamer Dudley

Or so it would seem from his shirt, though the announcers are too busy not noticing to let me know.  Oh, and the French guys are wearing berets and carrying big long French Breads, too.  What pricks.  Tommy kicks all their asses (including Spike’s) and then leaves, his work completed.  The French guys get the pin and assault Spike with the bread.  But Scott Steiner isn’t going to just sit back and watch no Frenchies assault an American Icon like Spike Dudley.  Oh, no.  Neither is Test.  Who despite being an UnAmerican, also hates the French.  Test and Scotty…Living together in harmony…

Eric Bischoff is on his 8^th or 9^th beer now.  He calls Linda and tells her that he heard that she was an absolute animal in the sack.  Then he realizes that he’s talking to Linda MCMAHON and he falls over in his chair.

Terri is backstage with Chris Tian.  Chris says that he’s going to be the next Maven.  He’s got lofty goals.  Good for him.

Trish Stratus is backstage.  Wow, I wonder if there are other wrestlers backstage!

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Trish Stratus (w/ the Hearts and Prayers of Canadians Everywhere) v. Jazz (w/ Teddy Long and Rodney Mack)  
For the WWE Women’s Championship

Teddy Long calls Rodney “Whitey”.  Eric Bischoff comes down to ringside.  Things are about to start getting Crazy Go Nuts.

EB:  Oh, Jash.  I loved you ever sinsh you wore Trish’s cowboy hatsh that one time.
JZ:  That was Victoria 

Victoria comes out.

VT:  That was ME!

Victoria leaves.

EB:  Wwadever.  What’sh most important to me…is that you know that I love you.
JZ:  I’m offended.  Oh, who am I kidding, sometimes you just got to take what you can get, come on Eric.

The crowd goes wild.  Everybody loves a good love story.

Trish by countout.

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Goldberg v. Chris Tian

Goldberg is wearing boxer briefs so that nobody thinks he’s Austin.  Chris runs away at the sight of Goldberg, but Rico and Three Minutes are out to take it to Goldberg.  Goldberg laughs, because, honestly (say it with me now) “What a bunch of Jobbers”.  Goldberg is 10 and 0.  Chris Tian comes back with a chair and tries to get in a shot, but Goldberg ain’t selling that.  Christian runs away again.  Goldberg is about to speak when…

Oh… 

My…

God…

Steve Austin comes out.  Goldberg and Steve Austin are in the same ring.  The world is collapsing in on itself.  You’re not supposed to see these two in the same place at the same time!  It’s just NOT supposed to happen.  Logic has taken corporeal form and set sail for Cancun.  I can’t blame it.  My head is about to explode, man.

Austin looks at Goldberg, Goldberg at Austin.  Clearly they’re trying to process how in the hell this mirror got into the ring.  They reach out and touch each other to see if the other is real.  What the hell is going on here?

They reach out once more to touch, and suddenly a light shines from the center of the ring.  A scream is heard, and suddenly, there is only one bald headed, goateed son of a gun in the ring.  He takes the mic.

“I am StoneMan Still Austinberg.  If you’re next, give me a hell yeah!” 

It seems that the universe just could not take it anymore, and has finally decided to morph these two into a conjoined, unstoppable monster.   He starts drinking beer and throwing out Stunners and Spears to Random People as they mill down the entryway to worship this new deity of wrestling.  Austinberg is 146-0!!  What the hell is going on?

Next Week:  Austinberg continues his reign of terror by spearing concessions workers as they enter the supplies closet.  HHH sends a loving letter to Anne Landers, despite the fact that she’s dead.  Eric Bischoff learns the meaning of the phrase “Coyote Ugly”.

Fear the Bottom Line!

E-MAIL MATT    
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