by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Austinberg is out with the RAW Credits.  He says that he knows a sure fire way to increase ratings, and then he shows a clip of Eric Bischoff throwing up from 9 different angles.  Well, it worked for “Friends”, I guess.  Then he said that he was really excited because he got to name the next PPV.  Look out for WWE “Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers” coming soon on PPV. 

He says that he knew that Rikishi tried to run him over in a Hummer, but he’ll find somebody else to blame later on in the show, since Rikishi is enslaved by Stephanie McMahon on UPN’s hit series “Platinum”.  Triple H comes out with Triple Naitch to share warm fuzzy memories of the Two Man Power Trip.  It was him, Austinberg, it was him all along.

Austinberg tells HHH to take off his sunglasses, because they’re not in The Matrix and he tells Flair to remove his pants, because that was ratings GOLD last week.  Austinberg says that Nash will arrive later on in the show to whine about winning the match last night, but for now, Triple H can pick any wrestler at RAW who is a former World Champion to fight tonight.

HHH:  Is…uh…is Maven a World Champion?
AB:  Uh…I don’t think so.
HHH:  He was the only person in the world to win Tough Enough One.
AB:  What about Nidia?
HHH:  Oh, come on, man.  She doesn’t count.
RF:  Pick me!
AB:  How about Jericho, you always beat him.
HHH:  Nah, man.  That’s old hat.  I want a new match.
RF:  I’ll fight you!
AB:  Well…Tommy Dreamer was the ECW Champ.
RF:  …
HHH:  …
AB:  …
HHH:  BWAHAHAHAHA
AB:  BWAHAHAHAHA
RF:  BWAHAHAHAHA
HHH:  Ah, who am I kidding.  I’ll wrestle Mayor McCheese, Tasty McNuggets World Champion five years running.
RF:  Mayor Mc…Woooo…I took his old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy.  Wooo!
AB:  Who, Birdie?  I don’t know if I’d be hyping up that I got The Fry Guy’s sloppy seconds.
HHH:  No way!  Birdie and the Fry Guys?
AB:  You wouldn’t believe the crazy stuff that goes down in McDonaldLand.

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The Dudley Boyz v. Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico)

The crowd chant’s “We want tables”.  I dunno…the last time that they did the WWE Dinner Theater tour, they had Marty Jannetty make the Stone Soup, and he thought they meant “Stoned Soup”.  Then Scott Hall peed in Nash’s Diesel Powered Chili.   Man, that tour was crazy go nuts.  I can’t wait to try Stacy’s Baltimore Cream Pie.  Though I heard that she always gets some of Test’s Tall Bland Hot Dogs in there.  Oh, the match?  One of these teams is a bunch of jobbers.   The other is not.  (Hint:  Spike Dudley was not one of the Dudleyz in this match). 

Rico says that he’s leaving Rosie and Jamal, to which the audience responds:  You were with Rosie and Jamal?  Oh.

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Austinberg tells Bischoff that what Eric really needs is a new gimmick.  Eric throws up again.  He’s gonna PUKE.  It’s all McMahon quotes day on the Satire!  Austinberg spears Bischoff.

Austinberg leaves and runs into Kevin Nash outside Bischoff’s office.  He begins to whine, but he gets Stunnered.

Flair is backstage with Triple H.  HHH is sad, because he just learned that Mayor McCheese doesn’t exist.  Flair offers to be HHH’s opponent.  HHH wonders if the Women’s Title is considered a World Title.

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Chris Jericho has an all new set for the Highlight Reel.  They’ve got some stools out there.  An old wire spool that was converted into a table.  A fake grass carpet.  This is WAY better than Dr. Phil.  Jericho invites out his guest.  Test comes out.  What’s that aboot?

Test and Jericho hug and say that it isn’t easy being Canadian.  Test reaches for Jericho’s man boobies.  He must have learned that from Coach Nash!  Chris Tian comes out and they all watch the Intercontinental battle royal.  Jericho is sad that he lost.  Rob Van Dam comes out to try to mow the grass.  Kane tries to drag RVD back to the back.

Austinberg says that he’s deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show, AND he thinks that the show needs a little more Kane.  So he tells Test to get the hell out of there and the rest can wrestle.

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Rob Van Dam and Kane v. Chrises Jericho and Tian

Kane tries to get RVD to stop trying to roll up the carpet.  Jericho decides that he doesn’t want the tag team titles anymore and hits everybody with a chair.  Booker T comes out to dance around the ring.  Match of the night so far.

Shawn Michaels notices that Triple Naitch is crying in the locker room.  It seems that Triple H still hasn’t challenged him.  Michaels mentions that he thinks that there might be a World Chess Champion in the building, and that Flair should pass that information on to HHH.  Flair says “Wooo” and cries.  Poor, Naitch.

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Theodore Long challenges anybody to come out for the White Boy Challenge.  Spike Dudley comes out.  When everybody stops laughing the match starts.

Rodney Mack (w/ Theodore Long) v. Spike Dudley
White Boy Challenge

Teddy Long calls Brian Kendrick and Kurt Angle “whitey” and says that they know nothing about Five Minute Challenges.  Rodney Mack nails the Million Dollar Dream, but Spike Dudley goes all Bret Hart on his ass.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Rodney Mack throws a bunch of shoes at Spike and Spike falls over.

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Austinberg has a surprise for Bischoff.  Linda McMahon enters wearing a long trench coat.  Bischoff perks up.  Moolah and Mae enter…Let’s leave this one alone.

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Ric Flair is dancing around backstage.  Apparently, HHH has said that if Fred Buck World Smore Eating Champion doesn’t show up, Naitch has the match.

Scott Steiner and Test v. La Resistance

Stacy hopes to get her team more over by coming down to the ring with no shirt.  It works!  The tag division is saved!  The French guys throw Jerry Lewis tapes at Test and he falls off the apron.  This leaves them to distract Steiner with their shiny Legion of Honor pins and they take out Steiner.  Stacy tries to break up a potential fight between Steiner and Test, but they pull her apart.  Ouch.  We need another Stacy.  Stat!

Austinberg has made a little room for himself to interrogate whoever tried to kill him.  But not Rikishi.  A WWE.Com Poll reveals that 98% of America believes that Austinberg screwed Austinberg.  1.5% says “Danny Doring”.  There was one write in vote for “I swear Austinberg, I’m coming to get you right now!  As soon as I watch my hockey team, eh?” from hitman91.

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Austinberg is with Coach.

AB:  You did it, didn’t you, Chet?
JC:  No, Still, I did not.
AB:  Lookit you, you’re pathetic.  And Fear the Bottom Line, ‘Cause Austinberg speared so!
JC:  Oh, man!  You really got me there Austinberg!
AB:  Alright, punk.  I know you did it.  No wait…you didn’t.  Sorry.   Lance Storm, if you’re next, give me a Hell Yeah.  What?

Austinberg goes to question the Lance Storm Action Figure, but he’s melted under the hot lights.

Flair asks HHH if Fred had called back.  HHH says no, and Flair dances around the room and chops random staff members.

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A Security guy knocks on Goldberg’s Door…Goldberg’s Door?   That Hussy!  Austinberg comes out of the Interrelation room.  “I’m over here, guys.”

Lance Storm, In a Puddle v. StoneMan Still Austinberg

Still kinda steps in the puddle for the three count.  Then he bends down and spells “Jericho" in the melted plastic.  What a shocking revelation!!

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Coach is chasing after Chris Jericho.  He asks Jericho if he was the one who tried to kill Austinberg.  Jericho says “Yeah, sure why not?” and invites Austinberg to have some cocktails with him at RAW next week as a way of saying “Sorry I May or May Not Have Tried to Kill You.”  Chet is confused.

Ric Flair v. Triple H
For the WWE World Title

Flair is so excited he forgets to take off his pants.  Triple H underestimates the powers of the Naitch.  For the first time in somewhere around 72 years, Flair hits a top rope move.  Flair starts beating up on HHH, but then HHH tells him that he has osteoporosis and Flair’s legs break.  Flair lowblows HHH.  HHH hates everything about good wrestling, so he hits a Pedigree before he can get showed up by an 80 year old man with no legs.  Kevin Nash comes out and HHH runs away.  The Austinberg announces Nash/HHH in a Hell in a Cell at  “Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers”.  The crowd…uh…guys!  Hey!  Wake up!  Nash!  HHH!  Hell in a Cell!  What?

Next Week:  Austinberg spears Rob Van Dam who is STILL trying to mow the carpet.  Stacy gets Steiner and Test to get along by taping a picture of Torrie Wilson on Steiner and making Test wear a big shiny medallion.  Ric Flair challenges Triple H to a rematch on the grounds that he doesn’t actually have osteoporosis.

E-MAIL MATT    
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