by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Wait…no…screw the (Opening Credits) because here’s the “Greatest Dance Dance World Champion ever” according to J.R.:  Shawn Michaels!!  He’s out to play Lillian Garcia which is funny, because Lillian is right there.  He calls out Ric Flair who after his turn last week, is no longer Triple Naitch.  Shawn says he wants to fight Flair tonight.

HBK:  I want to fight Flair tonight.
RF:  Wooo, I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain Fat Boy.
HBK:  No!  Ric, thou shalt not commit adultery.
RF:  Uh…

HHH is out…

HHH:  Nice shirt, Jesus.  
HBK:  Thanks.
RF:  I’m on my own.  I’m limo ridin’, jet flyin’, wheelin’ and dealin’.
HHH:  Shut up, Naitch.
RF:  Yes, sir.

Eric Bischoff is out, he’s happy that he’s not drunk anymore.  He says that Shawn Michaels v. Ric Flair has to happen on PPV (Eric Bischoff Presents WWE Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake) so that nobody has to watch these old has-beens.  Everybody’d rather see guys like Rodney Mack.  But to make sure that everybody gets their fill of has-beens, he books HHH v. Flair and HBK.  EVERYBODY loves HHH.

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Quick go to WWE.Com and vote!  Who cares on what.  Just vote away.

Booker T v. Test (w/ Stacy Kiebler)

Stacy has given up on making a tag team and decided that she’ll sleep with both Steiner and Test, but at different times.  Test is relieved.  Booker dances around, but he still can’t get anybody to take him seriously as a contender for the Dance Dance World Title.  Booker “accidently” punches Stacy.  Steiner runs out to see if she dropped any shiny pennies, but ends up looking up her dress instead.  Can’t say I blame him.  Swing her a bit to the left, eh Scott…Match?  What match?

Debra hit Austinberg.  Ok, I’m just kidding.  He slipped on some soap.  Then he speared the soap.  Rubber ducky…YOU’RE NEXT!  HHH starts telling Austinberg that he’s great and a good GM.  Austinberg stunners him. Austinberg assures him that when he wakes up, those two washed up old guys will still be washed up and old.

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Val Venis v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Val tries to get Victoria to be in his porn, but she says that she just got back from her own porn.  Trish Stratus is out.  She tells Lawler that she’d only do a lesbian porn with Victoria for Val.  Don’t get him started.  Stevie wears the pink tights, making him the bitch in this match.  Val hits the money shot which gets Trish really excited.  Then Trish asks why the hell she was on commentary anyway.  Hey, she’s still better than That Guy from TNA.  You know, Not Mike Tenay?

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Chet-Daddy is backstage with Kevin Nash.  He asks Kevin if he has any thoughts on HHH, HHH’s match tonight, or his match on PPV.  Kevin Nash responds by downing several bottles of Nyquil and saying “Nash sleepy…”

Terri is with Chris Tian, who is with his Intercontinental Title Belt.  Chris tells Terri that he loves making mobiles.  Me too.  Terri runs away because Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks might try to paint her with continuity again, forcing her to sleep with him.  So instead, Goldust challenges Christian to a match.  Neat.  Booker T comes in to tell everybody that he’s going to be the next Dance Dance World Champion.  Everybody smiles and laughs.

Austinberg and Eric Bischoff are backstage talking about Austinberg Presents WWE Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers and how Austinberg is letting anyone in the military in for free.  Austinberg mentions that that’s a few hundred more people that he can Spear and/or Stunner.  Eric is about to say something but Austinberg runs off down the hall to spear something.

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StoneMan Still Austinberg Celebrates Memorial Day

Jerry Lawler says “To celebrate our troops, here is Lilian Garcia stripping!”  She starts to strip, but then a French-Canadian flag falls from the ceiling and covers her up.  Damn those wiley French!  I’ll never eat a Croisandwich again!  Austinberg Jackhammers both members of La Resistance.  Then he starts singing “Hot in Herre” as Lillian gets naked and dumps beer all over.

Paula:  Good voice, good song selection.  Good job, Steve!  Touchdown!
Randy:  Dog.  Come on, Dog.  You don’t have it, dog.  Dog, dog.  No way.
Simon:  Worst wrestling song selection, ever.  You’re utterly awful.
Paula:  Do you remember Austin appreciation song?
Simon:  I thought Raven was quite good actually.
Randy:  What’s up Dog?

Wow…An American Idol joke?  Am I on Nyquil?

Mr. America is stalking Ric Flair.  Wow…Old guys watching each other.  The Satire takes a turn for the creepy!

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Chris Tian v. Goldust
For the Not WWE Intercontinental Title

What?  They can’t have a title match on RAW?  Goldust smears some continuity on Chris Tian and Chris remembers back when he was in the Brood and had the Ring of Fire entrance.  How cool was that?  Chris thinks that it was really cool, and he’s sad that nobody else in the WWE remembers when he was cool anymore.  Goldust pins him as Christian bawls.  Goldust wins!  Nothing!

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Rodney Mack is out with Teddy Long.  They challenge any white boy to come out to fight Rodney Mack.  Somebody play MY music.  Uh…Somebody get me some music first.

Rodney Mack (w/ Teddy Long) v. Bubba Ray Dudley

I’ll be out next week.  After I get some music.  Chris Nowinski comes out and hits Bubba with his Mask +1 v. Guys Named Bubba.  That seems a bit odd to have just laying around.  Teddy calls Nowinski “blackey”.  Bubba loses.  D-Von comes out, but Teddy isn’t around to see that there is another black guy in the WWE.

La Resistance is sitting around backstage with Eric Bischoff.  Eric doesn’t care that they tried to break up Lillian’s strip routine because her name isn’t Linda.  To help out their young career as French Guys, with a match against RVD with a Title Match at WWE Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake on the line.  Ack.  Needs more Kane!

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Jericho is in the makeup chair.  Whoever told Jericho that he was an autumn was a fool.

WWE.Com Poll:  Austinberg:  Slipped on Soap or Punched by Debra?   81% say Debra.  18.9999999 % say Soap.  1 vote is for “I did it, man, The Hitman, man!”

Triple H and Flair are backstage.

HHH:  I am the game!  You are not.  Be my manager.
RF:  Wooo!  No.
HHH:  Why not?
RF:  If I say yes now, it’ll ruin my big turn later on.
HHH:  Good point.
RF:  Is that a camera?
HHH:  Uh…yep.
RF:  Aw, crap.
HHH:  Why is Mr. America hanging around outside?
RF:  He’s still mad that I was rocking the blonde old guy thing before him.

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Sylvain Grenier (w/ Renee Dupre) v. Rob Van Dam (w/ Kane)
In a Flag Match for Another Match

The winner is the guy who waves a flag.  RVD tries to go into the crowd to get a flag, but he just ends up eating some little kid’s popcorn.  Kane may be Kane, but he needs more Kane to beat up both of La French Fries.  Dupre has the crew drop the flag from the ceiling again, and Sylvian wins!  They’re going to have another match.  Some other day.

Austinberg’s Door.  Yes, sir.

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Chris Jericho is out to do his little show.  I think the addition of a Pong game on that monitor was a great idea.  Austinberg comes out for martinis.

CJ:  Uh…Sorry I might have tried to have Lance Storm kill you.
AB:  Who?
CJ:  Lance Storm….
AB:  Who?  Wait…Don’t answer.  I’m just trying to get that over as a catchphrase.
CJ:  Ok, sure.  So, uh…you wanna have a match?
AB:  At Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers?
CJ:  Uh…Why not?
AB:  Not really.
CJ:  Ok then.  Wanna leave and go get drunk?
AB:  Hell Yeah!

Then Jericho sprays Austinberg in the face with his Axe Defensive Spray and spears him.  That Jericho is a tease.

Jericho is being hounded backstage by the paparazzi, so he hops into his Power Wheels and speeds off.

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Triple H v. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair

Michaels is in and Triple H beats him up.  Remember when Shawn used to beat people up?  Yeah.  Shawn tags in Flair, but shockingly there’s a shocking swerve where Ric Flair shocks everyone by shockingly pushing Shawn into a Pedigree.  How shocking~!  Kevin Nash has passed out on the floor.  Mr. America looks on.  That’s creepy too.  Creepy and shocking.

Flair and HHH are attacking Shawn.  Nash gets up long enough to stumble down to the ring and fall asleep in there.  Mr. America comes running out!  Stephanie be damned!  He pulls off his mask!  It’s Randy Orton~!  How shocking…Mr. McMahon will be shocked, anyway!  He never guessed it was Randy Orton.

Next Week:  Trish Stratus provides thrilling commentary for the thrilling Spike Dudley v. Lance Storm contest.  There will be a little more Kane.  Promise.  And Austinberg will get revenge on the dastardly old Jericho by spearing the Pong screen.

Until next week, I’m shocked!

E-MAIL MATT    
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