by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Triple H is backstage with Austinberg:

HHH:  Tell me who the guest referee is.
AB:  No.
HHH:  Pleeease?
AB:  Uh…no.
HHH:  Come on.  I’m the World Champion.
AB:  What?
HHH:  I said…
AB:  I’m just messin’ with ya.
HHH:  You said the guest referee was Socko, but then I heard you changed your mind.
AB:  Yeah.  Vince said, “No Socko”.
HHH:  So who’s the ref?
AB:  Uh…Papa Smurf?
HHH:  Oh.  Really?
AB:  Uh…sure.
HHH:  Don’t you have a match?
AB:  Oh…Right.

Austinberg comes out.

Austinerg v. Rosie or Maybe Jamal…Geez, I Don’t Know and Neither Does J.R.
Hell in A Cell

They brought it, they might as well use it.  Rico takes the bump off the cell, even though he’s not involved with anyone in the match.    Austinberg Stunners Rosie.  Or…uh…Jamal.  Chris Jericho comes out and dances around the ring.  Austinberg is confused.  Poor Austinberg.

The WWE would REALLY like you to visit WWE.Com.  Please?  There’s polls.  POLLS PEOPLE!!

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Rob Van Dam v. Rene Dupree
Hell in A Cell

No partners?  Whatever.  Rob jumps off the cage and bounces around like in Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth.  Hehehe.  See Rob bounce.  Bounce, Rob.  Bounce.  Van Dam wins though because only Kane jobs to some guy named Rene.  Sylvain Grenier comes out to complete the French Connection, and they throw Rob around a bit.  Kane doesn’t come out.  Rob definitely needed more Kane.

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Austinberg is backstage spinning a wheel.  Oh, bankrupt.  Sorry, Austinberg.  Eric Bischoff buys a E.  Is it, “This segment is boring?”  YES!  I get $500!!  Then they go out for pie.  Where’s Rock when you need him least?  

I’ll miss you Professor X (1999-Stardate 2492).

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Kane is backstage playing “Ms. Pacman”.  Get the cherry.  Get the CHERRY!  Dammit.  RVD comes over.

RVD:  Shoulda gotten the cherry?
KN:  ….
RVD:  I coulda used some more Kane out there?
KN:  ….
RVD:  Hey, Kane?  Are things supposed to be getting Crazy Go Nuts any time soon? 
KN:  Damn that Inky.

Trish Stratus and Ivory v. Victoria and Jazz (w/ Teddy Long)
Spell in A Cell

You know, when I hear Tatu now, I expect to see those girls running around in their underwear, and all I get is Victoria and Jazz.  RAW is disappointing, like that.  Victoria must have broken up with Stevie.  WAHHHH!  I hoped those two would work it out.  I thought the women’s division revolves around Trish?  They’re not pushing another woman are they?  Why the hell would they do that?  Geez.  Natalie Portman would add SO much to this division.  Here’s a thought:  Why hasn’t Stacy been women’s champ?  I mean, she’s hot and stuff.  God this match sucks.  Uh, a winner is women’s rights everywhere.  Oh, and Ivory.

OMG!  The Women’s match made me realize that today is 6/9.  AHAHAHAHA.  I don’t get it.

Chris Tian is backstage trying to dance.  You may be the I.C. champ, Chris, but you’re no Dance Dance World Champion.  Chris Jericho comes in and brags about making fun of Austinberg.  Tian is worried that Jericho will get Speared, but Jericho is eating all Christian’s Peeps.  Gotta make weight so that Austinberg will sell for him.

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The Miami Dolphins are shown being bored by the show.

Did you know that Insurrextion was last weekend?  Did you care?  Don’t worry about it, neither did the WWE.

Wait…winner gets Stacy.  Geez.  Winner gets Stacy.  Can I get in on that match?  Hell, I’ve watched enough wrestling tapes.  I’m pretty sure that if I ran around the ring long enough Steiner and Test would get blown up and I could just leave with Stacy.  It’s not like they would chase me.  This is neat.  “Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers”, here I come!  Do I have music, yet?

Scott Steiner (w/ Stacy Kiebler) v. Lance Storm in a Puddle
Gel in a Cell

Steiner is having some trouble figuring out how to suplex liquid.  But that’s all he can do!  That Storm is crafty.  Test comes out, because Canadians got to stick together.  Steiner blows up (see?) and falls over into Lance Storm.  Steiner wins!  I think!  Test hits Steiner with a chair, but Scott’s already out.  Then Test calls Stacy a whore.  Stacy is understandably unfazed.  Then Test big boots her.  These crazy kids are in love!

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Here are the results of the WWE.Com Poll:

Who will be the Hell in a Cell Referee?

- Mick Foley 99%
- One of the Referees on Staff because the WWE will forget this storyline .5%
- Scott Hall .5%
- There was 1 vote for “It’ll be me, Austinberg!  It’ll be me and I’ll show you that I’m the best referee there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.  Bwahahahahahahahahaha”

Austinberg comes out to make his statement.  “There’s only one referee that is hardcore enough, bad enough and mean enough to be in the Hell in a Cell Sunday at ‘Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers’.  That man is Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks!  But…uh…because Smackdown won’t let us use him, we’re bringing in a guy who has a book to sell!  Tom Clancy!  But…uh…Mr. Clancy said that he won’t come to Houston, so we went to the old WWE well and brought in Mick Foley.”

Mick is absolutely thrilled to be Austinberg’s number 3 choice to be the Hell in a Cell referee.  So thrilled that he jumps off the top of the cell again, but nobody told him that the announce table wasn’t there anymore.  Oops.  Sorry, Mick.  Triple H walks out.

HHH:  Hey, Mick.  When you regain consciousness, I have something I want to talk to you about.
MF:  I’m up.  I’m up in Toronto, Canada!
Crowd:  YA…wait…what?
MF:  Uh…sorry about that.
HHH:  Great!  Mick, do you ever have that not so fresh feeling in the morning?
MF:  Oh, yeah.  Hunter.  I know just what you’re going through, and have I got a product for you!  Shove some pages from my new book “Foley is Milking His Popularity” down your pants and get that fresh feeling back.
HHH:  But doesn’t it hurt?  Will it be able to absorb my overnight ass sweat?
MF:  Woah, slow down there, little buddy.  Of course it hurts.  Will it absorb the sweat?  I dunno.  Maybe?
HHH:  If I dump Stephanie, do you think your book will help me get with silver screen star Natalie Portman?
MF:  I guarantee it.  In fact, if you don’t get her, you get your money back.
HHH:  I expect to pay $900-$1000 for a deal this great!
MF:  Really?  Well that’s the new price then.

Order “Foley is Milking His Popularity” now at WWEShopzone.com

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Triple Naitch is out:  “Lilian.  Gimme the mic.  Oh…you did.  Thanks.  Tonight, you’re gonna take a ride on Space Mountain.  WOOOO!  Like wrestlers?  Here’s one now!”

Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. The Hurricane (w/ Shawn Michaels)
Cell in a Cell

Oh, man.  Cell in a Cell.  I LOVE this one.  Randy Orton’s music is the sound of silence.  That’s GREAT.  Everytime I don’t hear any music, I’m SO going to be anticipating that Randy Orton will come out!!  Man!  That’ll get him over like Grover.  Is Grover over?  Red Rover Red Rover, send Grover over.  God, this is lame.  Just like this match!  Flair and Shawn take turns in the blading contest portion of this match.  The fact that Flair is wearing a mop that sops up his blood is hurting his case.   Orton wins regardless with his new finisher, the “Standin’ There Until The Other Guy Jobs”. 

Backstage, Spike Dudley asks Mick to get him the hell away from all this jobbing and back to the Indies where he’s championship material.  Mick musses Spike’s hair and pins him.  Foley wins!

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Booker T. v. Chris Tian
Spinnin’ Around Until They Fell in a Cell

There they go.  Spinnin’ around.  Jerry Lawler comes in and spins around, because it looked like so much fun.  Chris Tian stops spinning first because he’s so dizzy.  Dizzy in looooooove with you.  I just wrote a song. 

I’m so dizzy, girl
I’m so diiiiiiiizzy giiiiiiiirl.
Spinning around in circles
It makes me so dizzy…
Dizzy in looooove.
Dizzy in loooooooooove with yooooooou.

Enrique, I’m sure your agent has my number.  Or…you know…Melissa Ethridge.  Booker wins.    Christian hits him with the I.C. Title.  Poor, Booker.  He doesn’t look like a winner now.

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Rodney Mack (w/ Christopher Nowinski) v. D-Von Dudley (w/ Bubba Ray Dudley)
Doin’ Well in a Cell

Poor, Spike.  Nowinski is now wearing a Decepticon on his face.  Uh…Facezor, the Facemask Robot. Teddy Long comes out and admits that this is the D-Von Dudley White Boy Challenge.  He also announces that this is your RAW Main Event.  That’s great.  Rodney wins when Facezor shoots everybody else.  Wow.  Rodney Mack won a main event and ended the White Boy Challenge.  He’s Doin’ Well.

Terri asks Austinberg what’s up with him and Jericho.  I guess they have a match or something on Sunday.  Austinberg doesn’t know what the hell is going on anyway.  He’s more interested in being GM and Spearing things.  Chris Jericho comes in and dumps Ez Cheez all over Austinberg’s head, and runs off.  Austinberg dips some crackers into his tasty cheese-like wig.

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Austinberg sends Random Girl Backstage to find Mick Foley.  She wanders off, neglecting to tell him that she’s just there looking for the bathroom before she goes back to her seat.

Hehehe…You know Kevin Nash?  The guy who is main-eventing at “Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake”?  Know why I bolded his name?  BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’VE MENTIONED HIM!!  I mean, geez.  Does ANYBODY remember he’s in this match?  Does Nash know?  Maybe somebody should wake him up and ask him.  I think he’s passed out at Scott Hall’s house.

Austinberg asks Foley what the hell is going on?  Foley says that he’s eatin’ some crackers.  Austinberg asks him if he wants some dip.  Foley is deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.  So’s Kevin Nash.  HAHAHAHAHAHA

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HHH is out to talk about his and Mick Foley’s match.  Foley comes out to say that, as much as HHH doesn’t want him too, he’s going to take his responsibility as the number three choice to ref very seriously, and he’s going to learn to count to three by the end of the week.  He SWEARS this time that it’s going to happen.

HHH is sad that Foley is actually going to show up and steal his spotlight at “Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake” so he beats Foley up, forgetting that Foley’s gimmick is “Guy That Gets Beat Up”, so Foley no-sells everything, Undertaker style.  Yeah!  Undertaker has just as many mentions as Nash.  Natalie Portman has MORE!  Ric Flair and Randy Orton run out and try attacking Mick, but he’s still not having any of it, so Orton throws the gun at him.

Somebody woke up Nash and he’s…uh…striding down to the ring with Shawn Michaels in tow.  Shawn must have woke him up!   Holy crap!  He’s actually going to appear on the show he’s main eventing!  Nash and Shawn beats up Flair and Orton and then powerbombs HHH.  Foley makes the three count!  It’s not a match!  Nash is the not World Champion!  Then Nash goes all pale and tells Mick to reverse his decision.  Oops, somebody remembered the old guy who gets the final say on RAW never wins the World Title.  Sorry, Kev, but we’re out.

Sunday:  Austinberg and Eric Bischoff trade insults over a shocking twist in their game of Candy Land.  Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair try not to get too much older during their match.  And HHH/Foley is interupted when Nash remembers that he’s supposed to be in there 40 minutes in.

See you Sunday (?)?

E-MAIL MATT    
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