by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Ladies and Gentlemen, Presenting Saliva with Jeb Lund for the PPV Theme:

BOOTY SHAAAAAAKE!
(you want fries with that?)
BOOTY SHAAAAAAKE!
(you want fries with that?)*

(*Lyrics by Jeb Lund)

Welcome to Austinberg and Bischoff present WWE RAW presents a Vince McMahon presentation of Matt Hocking presents WWE Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake or possibly WWE Beer Drinkin’ Puppy Lovers

HHH:  Here we go.  A RAW-only PPV.
RF:  Did we ever explain why we were doing these?  Woo?
HHH:  No, Ric.  Explaining things is for losers.
RF:  Uh…That’s no good.  Shouldn’t we at the very least tried to explain some stuff?
HHH:  Ric, do you want me to hit you?
RF:  I’m just saying…where are the Smackdown guys?  You know?
HHH:  I am the Game-uh!
RF:  Uh…old ladies…space mountain?  Wooo.
HHH:  That’s better.  I’ve got to go get ready to Do Well in the Cell.

The Dudley Boyz v. Nowinski and Rodney Mack (w/ Facezor and Teddy Long)

Teddy Long calls Facezor “steely”.  Nowinski and Rodney Mack have lots in common.  They’re both white, for example.  And…uh…both are in this match.  That’s it though.  Bubba tells D-Von to get the tables, and D-Von says that maybe Bubba should get the tables for once.  Spike is out and he offers to get the tables so that his brothers don’t have to feud again.  Everyone has a good laugh.  Then Nowinski rolls up Spike for the win.  Hey!  That’s not supposed to happen!

Austinberg and Bischoff are playing Candyland.

AB:  Hahahahaha!  I just speared Queen Frostine!  I win!
EB:  You what?  No you didn’t.  You’re nowhere near winning….
AB:  Yes, I did.  The rule is if you spear Queen Frostine, you win.
EB:  You just made up that rule.   You can’t make up rules!
AB:  Yes, I can.  I’m Stoneman Still Austinberg and that’s the Bottom Line, cuz I said so.
EB:  I hate the Molasses Swamp.

Bischoff devours the Gumdrop Forest.   Mmmm…minty.

Test v. Scott Steiner
For Stacy’s Ass

Wait!  Wait!  To the tune of “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing, it’s ME!  Go to hell, Danny Doring, this is MY theme music!  I’m gonna grab them cakes.  Wait…crap…should’ve used THAT as my theme.  That’s depressing.  I wish I would have thought of that.  

Test v. Scott Steiner v. Matt Hocking
For Stacy’s Ass

Test boots Steiner.  Steiner with a suplex!  SUPLEX!  Steiner falls over because two suplexes is all his body can take anymore.  Test is Canadian, so he lasts for three moves.  Then he falls over.  I get the pin!  I get Stacy!  Hahahaha!  Screw all of you all!  I’m leaving the Satire business and shacking up with my new manager!  I’ve got theme music!

Oh, I can’t forget about you.  Stacy will still be there when I get back.  I’m too sexy to resist.

Booker T v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

This is Houston, so expect Booker to lose.  Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks is assigned to the contest.  That’s weird.  Things get Crazy Go Nuts, when Christian throws Peeps at Goldust and they stick to his paint.  Booker wonders how Christian likes being I.C. Champ.  Chris is so happy that he’s got the belt that he shows it to Booker’s face!  Goldust Sparks calls for the bell!  Nobody wins!  I love these wacky non-decisions!

It’s that old American favorite the “Barb Wire Sackrace”!  Austinberg’s sack gets caught in the barb wire at the starting line.  Ouch.  That sounds pretty painful.  Austinberg decides that it’d be a good idea to try to stunner the barb wire.  The intelligence of that decision is somewhat questionable.  As a result, Eric gets to the finish line first.  It’s tied 1 to 1 with the rubber match to go.  It is my hope that no actual rubber is involved.  Unless they go into a bouncy cage.  That’d be really fun, I think.  Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy!

What?  At least Mae Young didn’t show up in a thong.  I’m just sayin’.

Rob Van Dam and Kane v. La Resistance
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

KN:  ….
RVD:  Hey, Kane.  I don’t particularly like you anymore.  Anyone who gets killed off by Inky isn’t the kind of guy who I want to be my tag team partner.
KN:  ….
RVD:  So, I’m just…uh…going to go over here and job.  And then we’ll get on with some singles angles.  Okay?
KN:  Rob?
RVD:  Yeah?
KN:  Does this red and black singlet make me look fat?
RVD:  Yeah.  It’s a few years too late to change that though.
KN:  ….

RVD wanders into the ring and jobs!  We have a title holder named Rene!  What the hell is wrong with this company?  Aren’t the French just supposed to surrender?  RVD accidentally kicks Kane in the face on his way out.  Kane no-sells.  Even though he was there the whole time, this is the perfect example of a match that needed far more Kane.

Austinberg v. Chris Jericho

Jericho is sad because nobody showed any videos of him making fun of Austinberg in WCW.  Silly, Jericho, Austinberg was never in WCW.  Well…he WAS…but he wasn’t.  You know?  Because…Austin…and Goldberg…Oh, shut up.  Jericho quickly eats a 10 pound bowling ball, making him weigh more than the cruiserweight limit.  Holy crap!  Austinberg has to sell!  Austinberg has to sell!  By Gawd, Austinberg has to sell!  The crowd boos!  Nobody likes to see Austinberg sell.  Not even the guys at WWEShopzone.com (where you can get great WWE..Com merchandise).  Austinberg doesn’t care though.  Stunner!  He wins!  Eric Bischoff is out with Steve Blackman!

EB:  Hey!  Austinberg!  It’s time to decide this!
AB:  What?  I just had a match!
EB:  A glass of chicken grease! 
AB:  Oh crap!  I could drink that.

They continue at ringside during the next match.

Ric Flair (w/ Randy Orton) v. Shawn Michaels

Randy Orton is a legend who eclipses everyone else in this match.  So much so that Michaels and Flair start copying young Randy’s maneuvers.  You know, when I think “Triple Naitch v. Shawn Michaels” I certainly think two guys sitting around the ring waiting for the other ones to fall over.  Flair Flop!  Flair Flop!  Michaels tries the pin!  No! Kick out!  That was an exciting turn of events.  Oh, who am I kidding.  This crap sucks.  Randy Orton runs in, and Shawn begs off.  Flair wins.  This was truly a match featuring guys who rarely wrestle anymore.

Still going….

AB:  Ok…this bottle of ocean water.
EB:  I could drink that…I guess…Ok…Now, you drink this pint of paint.
AB:  I do that all day, anyway!  I love paint!  Now you drink this!

Mae Young comes out in a thong.  I’m sorry, but everybody needs a little Mae Young in a thong in their life.

EB:  No problem.  Come on, baby.

Austinberg gets sick and leaves.

Austinberg loses?  Wait.  That’s not supposed to happen.  Uh…New event:  Don’t fall over!  Then Bischoff forgets what he’s doing and falls over.  Austinberg wins!  I guess!

Kevin Nash v. Triple H
Hell in a Cell for the WWE World Title with Mick Foley as the Special Guest Referee

Foley takes a bump off the top of the cage to start.  Nash and HHH start punching each other.  They punch each other some more.  Here’s some punching.  Then there’s some punching.  This sure is fun.  Wait.  No it’s not.  You know what would be more fun?  A squirt gun fight between Natalie Portman and Stacy in white T-Shirts.  I’m just saying.  Maybe I could hook that up some time.  Maybe not.  HHH uses his god-like powers to make Nash job.  Foley counts the 3 count!  Foley can count!  *****!  ~!!

Tomorrow Night:  Foley continues his comeback by sitting around backstage talking to his potted plant.  HHH wins a match.  Promise.  Austinberg Stunners Mick’s plant saddening the whole world.

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