by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Hey, hey, hey it’s Miiiiiick Foley.  Oh, great.  He’s got a copy of his new new book, “Mick Foley Writes a Book About Not Wrestling.  Buy It Anyway”.  No, Foley, I deflect your charm and wit.  Besides, that title sucks.  Foley says that he knows he’s retired and that he was only brought back for that one match, but he’s going to hang around until somebody tells him to leave.  Enter The Evolution….

HHH:  Leave please.
MF:  Aww…do I have to?
RO:  Can I talk?  Please?
RF:  No.  You can’t talk until you’ve taken at least one Old Lady on a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy!  WOOOO!
RO:  Fat boy?  Check out my incredible, abs!  They put your man boobs to shame!
RF:  Wha….
RO:  And I totally took Mae Young on a ride on Space Mountain last night, so you couldn’t say that today.
RF:  Ok…ew….
HHH:  Yeah, what the hell are you talking about Randy.  That’s terrible.
MF:  I mean, when Mark Henry did it, it was cute…but….
RO:  Shut up you guys.  I meant that I flew her down to Florida and then we both flew back here this afternoon.
HHH:  Still….
MF:  I’ve got an idea!  Everybody beat me over the head until I lose this image of Randy and Mae shacking up!
HHH:  You got it!

They start the beatdown.  But wait!  Here’s Al Snow and Maven to make the save.  Al Snow and Maven?  What the hell?  I guess the rest of the locker room was out taking a piss.  Man…Snow and Maven.  THIS is the vanguard of the WWE to stand against the Evolution?  HHH will NEVER lose.  Of course, he wouldn’t lose anyway, but that doesn’t mean the storyline has to suck.  On their way out, HHH stops to admire Randy’s abs.  “Gee Ric, he’s right.  Lookit them things!”  The shot closes on some boxes.  Are the boxes going to join the Evolution?

Eric Bischoff is backstage bemoaning both the lack of wrestling on this show and the fact that Austinberg beat him up last night.  He takes his frustrations out by making out with Mae Young while Moolah strokes his hair.

Sorry about that.  Really, I am.  Bahahahahaha.  I showed you who the boss was!  Alyssa Milano!

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The Dudley Boyz and Ivory Dudley v. Jazz, Rodney Mack and Chris Nowinski (w/ Facezor and Teddy Long)

Why is it that Ebony and Ivory can’t live together in perfect harmony?  The Dudleyz seem to have gotten over their acknowledging of D-Von’s inherent blackness, which is nice, because I was getting tired of acknowledging D-Von.  Ivory comes in and tells Jazz that it is time for Ivory to go over.  Jazz cries as she jobs.  Facezor is sad that he missed the chance to zap things.  Everybody else?  Went out for pizza.

Today’s WWE.Com Poll!  OMG:  Who should we put in the Evolution?  Seriously.  We have no idea!  Help book the WWE until “Dave” Batista “Davidson” gets back from his dog walking injuries!

Please?

Rob Van Dam is backstage with Kane.

RVD:  Thank GOD, I cost us the tag titles last night.
KN:  ….
RVD:  You know, because we suck as a tag team, and have nothing in common.
KN:  ….
RVD:  And because I don’t want to be seen with you anymore.  You smell funny.
KN:  You’re one to talk.
RVD:  And you never talk.  Oh, I can’t stay mad at you, you big lug.  We’re like the Odd Couple!
KN:  ….
RVD:  Let’s go after the tag titles again!
KN:  I really need to break something.

Al Snow is backstage with Mick Foley and Maven.

MF:  They sent YOU out to save me, Al?
AS:  I got lost after Heat, so I just ran out to see if you knew where I parked.
MF:  But it’s great to see YOU, Rock!  Rock and Sock Connection is back in the hizzouse!
MV:  For God’s sake.  I’m Maven.  Maaaaaaven.
MF:  No way they would’ve sent that jobber to save me!  Come on, Rock.  Do the eyebrow!
MV:  Have you seen my eyebrows? 
MF:  Oh, God.  I hope that’s for a movie…
MV:  I hate you all.  I’m going to go have a match.

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The Evolution is sitting backstage discussing who the WWE.com voters will vote into their group.  They’re also watching Iron Chef.  Tonight’s ingredient:  Ranch Doritos!  I’d think Iron Chef Japanese would have this one wrapped up, but RVD is a clever foe.

Garrison Cade v. Lance Storm, in a Puddle

There may not be two lances in the WWE!  NEVER!  Well, except that one time, but that was an accident.  Austinberg comes out.  “What?  You’re a puddle.  I can’t Spear you.  Or Jackhammer you.   Or Stunner you.  So what good are you?  I mean…I don’t even know why you bother to get poured into the ring every week.  Quite frankly, I don’t know why I don’t trade you to Smackdown for Albert’s Back Hair, which I’m instructed to remind you is really over.  So…uh…get pinned.”  Garrison falls over and gets the win.  Austinberg jumps around.

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Chris Tian, Chris Jericho, Booker T and Austinberg all come out and stand around.

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That was fun.

StoneMan Still Austinberg and Booker T v. Chrises Jericho and Tian

The Chrises take control because their Canadian Powers Combined create Captain Keith who cleans house on the faces (Test is “heart”).  Austinberg isn’t having any of that though, and he Spears Chris Tian.  Booker wanders into the match and asks if he can please have the I.C. Title now, and promises that if he can, he’ll stay away from HHH.  Chris Tian hands the title over to Booker, and Booker hands it right back to Chris Tian….’s face!  AHAHAHA…Booker is sneaky!  He wins!

Eric Bischoff shoos everyone off and brings out Mae Young.  His new love will get her first big push…tonight!

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Test v. Mae Young

Makes sense, who better to push Mae Young over than stupid “heart”.  Austinberg comes back out and tells everyone that to spice up the night, he’s brining out Scott Steiner and my girlfriend.  Hi, honey!  Stacy shows everyone her ass.  Mae Young goes for an X-Factor, but falls over.  God.  Where’s the workrate?  Old Ladies certainly aren’t the future of our business.

Jackie Gayda blows her spot trying to spray Rico with some Crisco so he doesn’t have to job.  Rico says “Ow!  My eyes!”  Oh, that crazy, Rico.  And Jackie, you will be my new Jeff Hardy, Rico:  My Jamal.

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Austinberg tells Some Girl that he wants to see RVD and Kane in his office.  Ewww…

Spike Dudley v. Rico (w/ Jeff Hardy)

Poor, Spike.  The only guy whose jobberness rating is higher than Rico’s.  Rico has Jeff go up top and blow the Swanton, before he puts Spike away with the “Oversized Pinky Ring to the Face”!  That’s his Move!

Austinberg is backstage with RVD and Kane.

AB:  Uh…can you guys try not to job out there?
RVD:  Well…I mean…We don’t want the titles.
AB:  Kane, is this true?
KN:  ….
AB:  Well, then.  Uh…We can’t push Kane then.
RVD:  But this show NEEDS more Kane.
KN:  Especially tonight.
AB:  Well…Then…Try not to job, but don’t lose the titles.
KN:  This sucks…

(ads)

Randy Orton (w/ Rick Flair) v. Maven (w/ Mick Foley)

Mick mosies out to watch Rock have a match with another third generation superstar.  So wait…Mae Young has a RAW contract.  Does that mean that Austinberg or Bischoff actually signed her to a RAW contract?  That doesn’t make any sense.  What match?  Foley chases everyone with socks, and Maven falls over, which is just what Orton had planned.  He’s a genius!  Orton wins!

Here’s something.  According to WWE Fans, here’s a list of guys to join Evolution:

-Missing Link :  35%
-“Dave” Batista “Davidson” :  25%
-Nobody, Please : 20%
-Yeti.  Please God, Let it be Yeti, that’d rule : 15%
-That one Guy…Tommy Dreamer? : 4.99999999%
-Me!  So I can show that stupid Austinberg the pain of a REAL Sharpshooter again! : .00000001%

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Kane and RVD v. La French Guys
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Well, we’re almost out of time, so my guess for the new member of Evolution is Nick Patrick.  Congrats, Nick!  Ooh, this is gonna turn out like Evil Ref Danny Davis, isn’t it?  RVD is trying really hard not to job, but it’s in his nature.  Kane is in, and he cleans house.  I never realized how dirty those turnbuckle pads could be.

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Kane has chokeslammed everybody in the match, and most of the ring crew, too.  I guess that means Lilian’s joining the Evolution.    Here’s HHH to let us know.

HHH:  Uh…Kane.  How would you feel about standing behind me looking mean?
KN:  I don’t know.  Okay, I guess.
HHH:  Great.  Welcome to the Evolution.
KN:  Neat.  Do I get a cut of T-Shirt sales?
HHH:  No, Ric needs those for his alimony payments.

Austinberg with the rebuttal!

AB:  Uh…Kane.  Stunner the bastard.
KN:  He makes a good argument, Hunter.
HHH:  Damn, you Austinberg!
KN:  I’m…uh…I’m going to have to go with Austinberg here.

Here’s Bischoff for the…uh…the rebuttal rebuttal…

EB:  Why am I involved?
KN:  I’m not sure.
AB:  Next week!  HHH!  Kane!  World Title!
HHH:  Really?
KN:  I sure hope nobody takes off my mask!
EB:  Who’s up for Pizza?

Mmm….me!

Next Week:  There’s a lot more Kane, but the show will need even more!  Will everyone find out Kane’s secret identity as mean old Mr. Wilkins?  Austinberg berates Lance Storm, in a Puddle for not being solid enough.  And Stacy and I will share a quiet moment alone drinking martinis by the fire.

You’re not invited though.  That’s what “alone” means.

E-MAIL MATT    
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