by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

You know what would help RAW?  Replacing J.R. and Jerry Lawler with the Guys from  Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.  Seriously.  I mean, I would watch.

Test and Chris Tian v. Scott Steiner (w/ My Stacy) and Booker T

Oooo!  Bring home the bacon, baby.  God knows this job doesn’t pay very well.  Or at all.  Steiner and Test have a tense standoff, in which restholds are traded.  Booker T and Chris Tian agree to set aside their differences and leave these men to their sweaty groping.  Speaking of sweaty groping, Stacy falls off the apron and injures her ankle!  OH NO!!  Somebody get her some medical attention!  That’s my cash cow.  Come on, baby!  Uh…meanwhile, in matchville, Steiner is so afraid that I’m going to kick his ass that he goes to help Stacy, and Test kicks him in the face.  Test wins!  Take that Scott Steiner, you negligent whore.

Kane is backstage. 

KN:  I wish I could remember back when I was cool.  Wait!  I’ll hop in my Dream Casket and remember the ‘90s!

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

Thanks to Stan’s Used Casket Emporium, Kane takes us back to 1997….

Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker
Hell in a Cell

Omigod!  It’s Kane!  Kane!  Old Kane!  With Paul Bearer!

PB:  My Kane will rip you to shreds!
OK:  ….
KN:  ….
JR:  Two Kanes!  By GAWD!  TWO!
KN:  Don’t do this.  You’ll end up a lame shell of your former self.
OK:  ….
KN:  Oh…Right.  X-Pac hasn’t taught you…uh…me…us to talk, yet.
PB:  This is really messed up.
KN:  Don’t do it!  Don’t let yourself get killed off by the WWE Machine!
TU:  WW…what?
KN:  Uh….see…pandas….
PB:  This is just a dream, anyway.  You can’t change anything.
 

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

WWE.Com poll?  Kane:  Too Much or Not Enough?

Maven v. Chris Nowinski (w/ Theodore Long and Facezor)

Long says that he’s happy that they’re fighting The Rock tonight because “light brown” went out with D’Lo.  Somebody should tell that to Rodney Mack.  Nowinski wets himself with fear of fighting the Rock, and Facezor tries to negotiate a deal to star in Rock’s new movie “The Rock and Cinnamon Roll”.  Maven is confused by all of this, but takes the opportunity to take the win anyway with a roll-up.  Maven wins!  They play Rocks music, causing Maven to run to the back in tears.

Hey!  It’s the Evolution!  Nice to see you guys!  Some Girl tries to grab at Randy Orton, but HHH’s Bodyguard deflects her nicely.  Triple Naitch tries to follow, but the leash isn’t slack enough.

RO:  She was cute.
RF:  Style.  Profile!  I have better boobs than she did.
HHH:  You sure do, Naitch.
RO:  Oh, man.  Why do I have to be “The Future”.  Couldn’t they have…uh…Rico join the Evolution?
HHH:  No way.  He’d gay up the whole works.
RF:  Man boobs, Randy.  Man.  Boobs.
RO:  Oh, man.  Somebody step on my foot.  Hard.

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Chris Jericho is setting up the ring with tipped over card tables.  Oh!  Upgrade for the Highlight Reel!  Jericho has the mic, so look out, or he’ll totally make fun of your home town without you noticing!

CJ:  I hate…uh…New York!
Crowd:  Booo!
CJ:  Here’s my guest!  Lance Storm in a Puddle!

Storm is brought out in a milk carton and poured onto the stool.

CJ:  Lance.  Did you have something you wanted to say?
LSiaP:  Gloop.
CJ:  Psst…Lance!  What about our statement?
LSiaP:  Gloop?
CJ:  Ugh.  Lance Storm would like to say that he may be a puddle, but that doesn’t mean he’s a loser.  He has feelings and loves.  Austinberg is just a meany head.
AB:  Are you talking about me?
CJ:  Uh….
AB:  Shut up before I spear your sorry ass.  Now, Lance Storm.  Are you sad that your gimmick is boring?  Being in a puddle?
LSiaP:  Gloop.
AB:  What?  Gloop?  What the hell does that mean?  Do you know what this is?  It’s ice.  Frozen water.  A former puddle.  Now it’s cubed.  Prepare to be cubed, Lance!

Austinberg freezes Lance Storm in a bucket of Liquid Nitrogen!  He’s solid once again!  Kind of like the Liquid Terminator but…not at all like that.  Austinberg unleashes his second surprise!  A Match!  I guess he must be disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.

The Dudley Boyz v. Chris Jericho and Lance Storm Cubed

Bubba is about to tell D-Von to get the tables, until he sees that there are already card tables in the ring.  Bubba looks sad at how easy that was.  But the match gets much more difficult.  It seems there was a flaw in Austinberg’s plan.  By cubing Lance Storm, he’s given Lance the power of THREE Lance Storms.  They’re all over Bubba like a three British guys on a huckleberry scone.  However, all is well in the world, as three Lance Storms, also means three times the jobbing power.  Poor, Lance.  Dudleyz win after D-Von hits Lance with a huckleberry scone.

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Kane is still reminiscing about days gone by when he was still cool.  One of those times was NOT right after he lost yet another title match to Triple H.  But Kane is into self flagellation, so he goes back into his mystical Dream Coffin and remembers the earlier this year.

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

Hey!  It’s “Dave” Batista “Davidson” slumming around with the Evolution!

HHH and “Dave” Bautista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair and Randy Orton) v. Rob Van Dam and Kane

The match goes back and forth for a while until Flair and Orton get sick of playing cheerleader and decide to pull Kane’s mask off…

KN:  NO!  Don’t remove my mask!  It’s part of my powers!  I’ll never light a ringpost afire again!
OK:  You again!  Why do you haunt me so?  And why didn’t you try to stop all those OTHER times I almost lost my mask?
HHH:  Holy crap!  It’s yet another Kane!
RF:  Wooo!  I’m gonna take your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat Boy!  Wooo!
HHH:  Teehee, I’m afraid you’re a little late on that one, Ric.
RF:  Isn’t this great, Dave?  We’re getting pushed to the moon!  I hope we never get injured!
DBD:  ….
OK:  I may, in fact, be The Undertaker in disguise.
RVD:  Dude!  Kane!  And…Kane!  I’m so totally gonna win the tag team titles now!  Woah!

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

Hey!  Back in the present!  It’s Randy Orton and Ric Flair.

RO:  Have you seen this Mick Foley baseball book?  What a load of crap.  I mean, “I touched Gretchen’s breast as I got off the team bus.  Then I jumped off the bus and through 7 flaming tables and into a pile of thumb tacks.  My manager told me I could not pitch tomorrow because of the fork stuck into my right arm.”  What a literary nightmare.
RF:  All this talk about breasts is getting me excited!  Woo!
RO:  Oh, God.  Ric.  No.  Let’s just.  Let’s talk about Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash.
RF:  Ok.  That Nash has great hair, huh?
RO:  Hey look!  French guys!

Indeed, in the ring stood some French Guys.  They are singing the traditional French Song “Lady Marmalade”.  Still not less sexy than Pink.

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The French guys are still singing.  This must be a remix.  The Hurricane flys out to save the day, but he can help but sway to the rhythmic French-Canadian beats.  You know one guy who will never sway?  That’s right.  A Real American Hero.

La French Guys v. The Hurricane and Snake Eyes

La French Guys are SO in with Cobra.  And plus, it’ll give Snake Eyes some manly face time to impress Lady Jaye.  Frankly, I was always more into The Baroness, but that’s probably my thing for girls with accents.  So long as I can understand them.  Not that anything could replace YOU, Stacy.  Hey.  This match?  Not so interesting.  Destro comes out from the crowd to complain about Nowinski stealing his gimmick when he and Snake Eyes collide!  Dupree covers him!  Holy crap, Snake Eyes.  Lady Jaye will NEVER sleep with a guy who jobbed to somebody named Rene.  Just ask Kane.

KN:  …. 

Uh…Come on.  Help me out.

KN:  I’m trying to quietly introspect on my career.  In fact.  Let me go back into my Dream Casket and revisit only a few weeks ago.

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

Kane (w/ Rob Van Dam) v. Rene Dupre (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Rob giggles about the fact that one of the French guys is named “Rene”. Then he tells Kane about it, and Kane laughs so hard that he jobs.

Austinberg is out and he tells RVD to leave, but RVD has already wandered off to find some Fritos.

AB:  Uh…Hey…Other Kane.
KN:  Huh?
OK:  Not you again!
AB:  I was told to expect you.  Take this.
KN:  Who told you?
AB:  That must remain a mystery.  Just take it, before I Stunner your sorry ass.
KN:  A Sharpie?
AB:  You know what to do with it.

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Hey you know the symbol for Wrestlemania XX?  There it is.

Austinberg calls out Mick Foley who apparently is still standing around backstage.

AB:  We wanted to do a Foley Appreciation Day, but…uh…nobody showed up, so here’s a bunch of guys who took $10 to come out.

Here’s Bubba Ray, D-Von, Rob Van Dam (pizza money?), and…what?  It would have been a whole hell of a lot better to just bring out some cut out posters of famous wrestlers than Al Snow, Spike Dudley and Tommy Dreamer.  Tommy is just thrilled to be there.  Thanks for coming out, Tommy!  They show a video tribute of crazy things that Mick has been hit in the head with.  Hey!  Giant inflatable banana!  I bet “Belt in a Case” will be added by the end of the night.  Speaking of, here’s a belt in a case.  What a coincidence.  Oh, it’s the Hardcore title.  Dreamer grabs at it and says “MINE!” but RVD reminds him that he lost it in this very arena several months ago.  AHA!  I showed you my knowledge of WWE Title History.

Hey!  Here’s Vince McMahon!

VM:  I know it’s you!  Foley!  You can’t fool me!
MF:  Hey, Vince!  Yeah, it’s me.  Mick Foley.
VM:  I said you could never come back and now you’re trying to sneak in, but I’m on to you!  You’ll have to take a lie detector test!
MF:  Do you know what show you’re on?
VM:  Aw crap.  This is RAW isn’t it?
AB:  Yeah.
VM:  Dammit.  Sorry.
TD:  Vince.  Since you’re here.   I’m sorry I was such a bad booker.  Can I get a push?
VM:  Sure thing, whoever you are.

Vince pushes Dreamer over.  Dreamer is just happy to be out there.  Foley limps around the ring in celebration, then quotes a poem.

Bruises are black
Violence is blue
I hear the chair smack
I can’t remember who are you?

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Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash v. Ric Flair and Randy Orton

Flair is trying to grope Lilian at ringside.  If what I heard was true, it’s not worth your time, Ric.  Know what I love?  When Kevin Nash stands outside the ring and looks on intently.  I bet he does that ALL the way through the commercial break!

(ads)

He DID!  Oh, that Kevin Nash is great!  This match isn’t though.  The only good wrestler here is Randy Orton, and he went out into the crowd to make out with some hot chicks.  That’s right, plural!  So, Shawn Michaels superkicks Flair.  Nash looks on intently!  A winner is them!

Kane is still hanging out in the ol’ Dream Coffin.  This time he’s dreaming about…last week?  Oh, come on.

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

KN:  Hey.  Me.
OK:  Ok, now this is just stupid.  I’m only a week away from being you.
KN:  I know.  I’ve come to deliver the lotto numbers.
OK:  Awesome.  Except…uh…There’s thousands of people here, which means we’ll spit it a bunch of different ways.
AB:  And besides this is just a dream stupid.
KN:  Then how did I get this Sharpie?

Doodledoodoodledoodoodle

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Mick is handing out books to anyone who will stop long enough to make eye contact.  Orton and Flair are really excited to get their hands on more books and so they mob Foley and accidentally push him down a flight of stairs.  Oops.  Vince wanders by and takes a few copies to fill out the shelves in his rumpus room.  Hehehehehe…rumpus.

Rodney Mack (w/ Theodore Long) v. Austinberg

Austinberg is walking out when Rodney Mack runs up to look at the pyro and sets his hoodie on fire.  Oops.  Austinberg gives him a Jackhammer to put him out and gets the win anyway.  Teddy is sad.  Remember, only YOU can prevent Rodney Mack fires.

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Hey everybody!  Rob Van Dam!

RVD:  Hey, Kane!  I hear you, like, have a machine that lets you see into your past!
KN:  You mean my TV and DVD Player?
VD:  No, dude.  Like something that lets you see your dreams.  I think that’d be awesome.
KN:  ….
RVD:  I’d like to go back and ask past me what the meaning of purple unicorns and existance is all about.
KN:  ….
RVD:  Plus, I’m totally hungry, and in the past, I had some Dill Pickle Chips.
KN:  Mmm…Sorry, Rob.  Don’t know what you’re talking about.
RVD:  Damn.

RVD leaves and Kane gets off the Dream Coffin.

KN:  Damn you, Dream Coffin!  Why do you mock me so?  I think I’ll break this mirror!

Seven years bad storylines!

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Wreslemania XX Preview!  Stephanie narrowly avoids having her boobs pop out (again) in her main event match against HHH at WrestleMania X7.  I hope we get 4 of these EVERY WEEK until next April.  That’d be crazy go nuts!

HHH (w/ Ric Flair) v. Kane
Special Stipulation:  Somebody Loses Either a Title or a Mask

Kane chokeslams everybody, but even he can’t stop the oncoming commercial break!

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Kane has had enough of Earl Hebner, so he’s gone.  Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks runs out to help out, but Kane doesn’t want that either.  Randy Orton tries his hand at refereeing, but he eats a chokeslam.  Geez, Kane doesn’t want to win this match, does he?  And he doesn’t.  HHH Pedigrees him straight to Heyell.  I think it’s in Rhode Island.  Poor Kane.

Here’s Eric Bischoff to…uh…remind us of his existance.  And to tell Kane to take off the mask.  They wouldn’t!  No!  That’d be like asking Rey Misterio to take off HIS mask.  Uh…again.   Oh, and the DVD totally doesn’t count.  RVD is out to put a stop to this nonsense, but even he can’t stop Kane.  Kane unmasks!  It’s…It’s…It’s….

Emmanuel Lewis!!

Dude.  He totally looked shorter on Webster. 

Ok.  Ok.  It’s just Glen Jacobs.  Poor Glen looks like he could use some more Kane right about now.  He’s one ugly guy, huh?  Wait!  He’s drawn little scars on his face with a Sharpie!  BRILLIANT WRITING!  Wow!   The WWE has us all fooled!  What will come next in the adventures of ugly guy who used to wear a mask?  And more importantly:  Will we care?

If not, there’s always Tommy Dreamer.

E-MAIL MATT    
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