by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

We start BACKSTAGE!!

Austinberg:  Hey, Eric!
Eric Bischoff:  Steve, why did you come out last week wearing Kane’s gear and chokeslam me?
AB:  Because I thought it’d be fun.  Besides, that was ACTUALLY Kane.
EB:  So YOU are Austin.
AB:  Right.
EB:  Aaaaaand Goldberg.
AB:  Yes.
EB:  AND Kane?
AB:  Well…See…No.
EB:  I don’t get it.
AB:  Shut up.  Shut up!  SHUT UP!  This storyline doesn’t HAVE to make sense.  It’s got Austinberg, it’s got Kane, what more do you need?
EB:  Ok.  I’m going home.  You figure out who the hell you are, and what the hell sense this storyline makes.
AB:  Where’s my vending machine?

(Opening Credits)

Austinberg is now out in the ring saying that he’s happy to be back after his weeklong battle with beef stix addiction.  He bemoans the lack of wrestling on last weeks show.  Then he says that since RAW Referee Jack Doan was in the ring, Booker T and Chris Tian should have ANOTHER match.  Right now!  Chris Tian starts complaining that he’s already had this match 11 times this week (and it’s only Monday!), but  Austinberg is having NONE of that, so here it is:

Booker T.  v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

If Chris gets DQed or Counted out, swallows some water, calls his momma (this is called the “Cat” rule), talks to Booker, has sexual relations with a squirrel, plays a violin version of “Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Break My Stride,” or performs a wrestling move, he will lose the WWE Title.  Chris Tian sneezes which signals the ad break.  Booker T readies the squirrel.

(ads)

Booker T throws the squirrel at Christian, but it doesn’t go any further than some making out.  Christian tries a wrestling move behind the Ref’s back, but Booker counters it with a different wrestling move and wins the match!  Booker T is the new Intercontinental Champion!  Frosties for everyone!  Booker is buying.  And by buying I mean…not buying.  Sorry.  Get your own damned Frosty.

Mark Jindrak is backstage with Austinberg.

AB:  Who the hell are you?
MJ:  I’m Mark Jindrak.  Former WCW Tag Team Champion.
AB:  Nobody cares.
MJ:  *sobs*
WWE RAW Referee Nick Patrick: Hey!  I’m WWE RAW Referee Nick Patrick!
AB:  I care more about you than this dork.
NP:  Uh…hey!  Who wants to come see a body with me?
AB:  What is this?  “Stand By Me”?
MJ:  Can I be Wil Wheaton?
AB:  Why are you still here?

(ads)

Bubba Ray and Spike TV Dudley are standing over the fallen body of Tommy Dreamer.  Bubba is really angry!  Here’s Austinberg and Corey Feldman.

BD:  I’m really angry!  Somebody hurt my best friend!
AB:  Hahahahaha!  TOMMY DREAMER is your best friend?
BD:  Well….
AB:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BD:  Shut up.  Who did this to Tommy?
AB:  Who cares?  The real mystery is why anyone would BOTHER to hurt Tommy Dreamer.
BD:  If you won’t get to the bottom of this, then I will!
AB:  Knock yourself out.  We’ve got segments to kill.  I’m going to Spear his dying carcass. 

Austinberg Spears Dreamer while Bubba wanders off.

Hey?  Remember November 1997?  EVERYBODY in Montreal does.  God, I wish they’d shut up about it.  Bret doesn’t.  It keeps him over.

Theodore Long and Rodney Mack introduce the latest the latest member in the fight against the man!  Rosie!  I guess he’ll prove the rule!  Rosie jobs every week so obviously the Man really is holding everyone down!  Wow!  What a BRILLIANT strategy!!  Christopher Nowinski would add something really intelligent sounding now, but he’s got brain damage right now, so nobody says anything remotely intelligent.  I miss Facezor.

Backstage, everybody is gathering to laugh at Tommy’s dying corpse.  Then Coach wanders over and everybody laughs at Coach.  Bubba is still looking for the killer.  It was Stevie Richards in the Locker Room with the Rolled Up WWE Magazine.  I win.

(ads)

The Hurricane v. Rosie (w/ Rodney Mack and Theodore Long)

I guess Hurricane’s search for a partner ended at two weeks!  Poor Hurricane.  Someday your storyline will come.  And be stolen by Randy Orton!  Oh well.  For now, you’ll have to settle for jobbing to Rosie!  What a deal!  After the match, Theodore tells Rosie that he has a great idea for a new gimmick for Rosie!   Guy Who Eats All the French Fries.  Rosie tries to eat Theodore instead.  However, Rodney Mack punches Rosie and that’s the end of that.  I don’t get it.  Wait…did Rosie win a match?!  Hurri-jobbing must be super powerful today!

Bubba is still wandering!  Hey!  Triple Naitch!  Oh…and Randy Orton.

BD:  You guys beat up Dreamer didn’t you?
RO:  Last week, yeah.
RF:  I took Dreamer’s Old Lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat boy!  WOOOO!
BD:  Come on guys.  Let’s have a match.
RO:  Fine.  I’m getting a push.  Where’s D-Von?
BD:  He ate some bad Oreos from Austinberg Presends WWE RAW Presents a Vending Machine Backstage. 

Austinberg wanders by.

AB:  Then find another partner!
RF:  How about me?  I’d be a great partner!  WOOOO!
BD:  Uh…

Hey!  It’s Jackie Gayda! 

JG:  Can I be your Partner?
BD:  No.
JG:  Rico got beat up, so, now I need something to do.
AB:  Holy crap!  I’m gonna go stunner him!

Austinberg and Jackie run off.

(ads)

Rico mumbles something about Kane attacking him, and then Austinberg stunners him.  Jackie Gayda gropes a broom in the background.  That broom once carried Triple Naitch to a good match.

Val Venis and Uh…Oh That’s Gail Kim v. Stevie Richards and Victoria

So...Let’s see if Gail Kim has the moves to make me care about the women’s division.  Doo-doo-doo-doo.  Nope.  Yawn.  Stevie is wearing his Sunday Night Heat tights which is pretty Crazy Go Nuts.  Hey!  Stevie!  You made it back to RAW!  And you found love with Victoria again!  Aw…it warms my heart.  Unlike this match!  Gail wins.

Trish Stratus is asking Ivory what the hell Ivory is doing on the show.  Ivory has no friggin’ clue.  Test comes up and wonders if anyone here would like to get powerbombed tonight.  Everybody loves getting powerbombed.  Hey, wait.  Here’s Kevin Nash!

KVN:  Hey!  Aren’t you…uh…me?
TT:  Coach Nash!  I have shorter hair.
KVN:  Right.  Hey!  Did you say somebody wants to get powerbombed?
TT:  Trish does.
TS:  No I don’t.
KVN:  Huh.
TT:  So!  Coach Nash!  It’s so good to see you!  I still study our lessons together.
KVN:  Really?  Well, I’m going to go find a wheel chair.  I’ll see you in the ring.
TT:  It’s time for the final lesson!

(ads)

Here’s Jericho (Canada:  Yay, eh!) and here’s Michaels (Canada:  Booo, eh!) to find out what went wrong.

CJ:  You screwed Bret.
SM:  Well…we were young, and I wanted somebody more experienced to start me…
CJ:  I meant in the Survivor’s Series match.
SM:  Oh.  Right.  Uh…yep.  I did.
CJ:  Don’t you feel bad?
SM:  Not really.  I mean, it was years ago.  GET OVER IT!!
CJ:  Crap.  You’re right.  These fans suck, man.
SM:  One of these days, I’ll appologize to Bret.  But until then, bwahahahahaha!  Sucker!

Bret Hart runs out, but then sees that it’s just Michaels and Jericho and not Austinberg, so Bret just starts a “You screwed Me” chant.

SM:  What the hell was that all about?
CJ:  You mean aboot.
SM:  Right.  Can’t you tell by my shirt that I’m an upstanding Christian man?
CJ:  You’re right.  I can’t believe I ever doubted you, Shawn.
SM:  Jesus told me to screw Bret.

Hey!  Austinberg spears Coach into his office.  That was fun.  Hey!  It’s Kane.  I was just beginning to think that the show might just need some more of him.  Kane turns around in his chair.

AB:  What?
KN:  Good evening, Mister Austinberg.

(ads)

AB:  What were we talking about?
KN:  The ad break?
AB:  Right.  I need me some Stridex.
KN:  I think I’m going to quit.  Everybody thinks that I’m ugly.
AB:  Wait…but they’re saying you look like me.
KN:  Uh…wait…
AB:  Dammit!  Prepare for a Jackhammer!
KN:  Wait!  Maybe we can book a main event segment where we go out and not have a match!
AB:  Hmm…I like how you think, Kane.

Test v. Kevin Nash

Wheelchair fight!!  They wheel down to ringside and run into each other.  Suddenly, they realize that they are SO alike they might meld together like Austinberg and Nash saunters away, because he wants to keep his pretty mane of hair.  Trish comes out to get a better view of this upcoming awesome creation of Kest Nest, but she accidentally trips Kevin, causing him to blow out a knee and letting Test get the pin.  The student is now the master!  The teacher is now the student!  Test and Nash didn’t become a super being!  Nash jobbed!  Does this mean Test is in the Clique!

Terri is backstage with Booker T, who is dancing around with the Intercontinental title.  I guess nobody told him that it wasn’t the Dance Dance World Title.  Terri does and Booker gets sad.  Guess you’re not getting a big push after all!  Booker invites Terri out to a Wendys.

(ads)

Mark Jindrak v. Chris Jericho

Jericho laughs because Jindrak is a big loser from WCW.  Mark tries to get in some great offense, but Jericho isn’t buying it.  Actually, his offense isn’t that great.  The confused crowd thinks that Jindrak is actually Lance Storm Cubed and chants “boring”.  Jericho gets the win and challenges Michaels to a match in two weeks.  Maybe Michaels can get his Johnny B. Badd sparkle shooters to work this time.

(ads)

Triple H v. Maven!!  It’s Sunday Night HHHeat!  Holy Crap!  I guess HHH found out that there was another show that he hasn’t even tapped the potential for himself to dominate yet.

Molly Holly v. Trish Stratus
#1 Contenders Match for the WWE Women’s Title

TWO Women’s matches.  Whew.  I thought I was going to have to work HARD on this Satire.  Guess not.  Molly’s shirt hypnotizes me.  And it’s not even swirly or anything.  Huh.  Molly wins.  I guess the glass ceiling in the women’s division has well and truly been shattered.

Austinberg and Kane are still discussing their big segment.  Kane remembered his towel again this week.  Tazz is still mad.  Maybe Kane and Tazz can build two little sailboats.  Kane admits he killed Tommy and Rico because he was bored.  Austinberg reminds Kane that it’s ok.  Nobody’ll miss them.

(ads)

Ric Flair and Randy Orton v. Bubba Dudley and Rob Van Dam

I guess he had to settle for Rob Van Dam.  Somebody must have gotten ahold of some continuity, because RVD has issues with Flair and Orton from last week.  While Orton waits for everyone to fall over Spike Dudley comes out to distract him.  In the ring, RVD no sells all Flair’s elderly offense and gets a pin!  It’s a night of upsets!  I’m upset that nobody has sent me any money or gifts!  Where’s the love?

(ads)

Austinberg comes out and so does Kane.  Everybody cheers because Montreal NEEDED some Kane.  Then they have a good laugh about chokeslamming Eric Bischoff.  Kane isn’t happy though, because nobody cares about him.  This segment is all about Austinberg.

Kane decides that now would be a good time to attack Austinberg to show that he’s still the same old Kane who hates everybody, even though he doesn’t have a mask.  Austinberg tries to fight back, but Kane knows Austinberg’s secret.  His neck is broken.  Chokeslam!  Kane is still Kane!  Kinda!  That wasn’t wrestling…

Next Week:  Kane chokeslams some other authority…Terri?  Booker T tries to trade Triple H for the Dance Dance World Title.  Bubba keeps trying to track down Dreamer’s killer because none of the wrestlers ever watch this show.

NO HHH?  What’s up with that?  Now I’m left with a longing.

E-MAIL MATT    
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