by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits.  Kane’s laugh has been replaced by that of Soda Popinski from Punch Out.  Matt Fact:  Soda Popinski did not in fact, drink soda.  Caffeine makes him jittery.)

Hey!  Here comes the money!  It must be Bradshaw.  Oh, wait.  It’s just Shane McMahon.  He’s out to yell at Kane.  He doesn’t start out by saying “Yo Yo Yo”, or “Booyah”, so he must be SERIOUS!  Serious Shane wants to talk, but Eric Bischoff isn’t having any of that.  Apparently, Vince would rather see RVD get a little more Kane at Summerslam, totally eliminating my chances of seeing Shane take a big bump.  Color me disappointed.  What color would that be?  Like, blue?  Never mind, I don’t want to look like a Smurf.  Bischoff and Shane argue back and forth about who should fight who and when, and then Shane threatens to Super Shane Spear somebody.  Bischoff is like “Two Words:  Black Belt”.  Steve Blackman is coming back!  YES!! 

Austinberg is out to break that up, because the only one who wants a Steve Blackman comeback is CRZ.  Austinberg says that Bischoff’s only love in life is Linda McMahon’s breasts.  Wow.  I hope I get to talk about breasts more later.   That’ll be fun.  Bischoff says that his love for Linda and her booty so Zombielicious (baby) is pure and wholesome.  Austinberg offers up a match between Shane and Eric tonight, and Eric is not happy.  Too bad though, because Austinberg Said So.  Lawler says that’s this is a PPV quality match.  Why are they going to give it away on free TV, then?  NO!  Vince!  MILK THE BUYRATE!!

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Bubba Ray Dudley (w/ D-Von) v. Rene Dupree (w/ Sylvian Grenier)

This is a PPV quality match!  NO!!  Hehehe…just kidding.  Nothing about Bubba or Rene is PPV quality.  Except their pants.  Those are PPV quality pants.  Needs more pants.  Everybody involved, including the ref, trys to run interference, but  it’s D-Von that ends up getting in a flag shot on Rene.  Bubba wins!  I hope next week Grenier defeats D-Von after Rene puts him through a table.  That will make me conflicted!

Backstage, Triple Naitch and Randy Orton are helping Triple H massage his groin. 

RO:  Hey…what the hell is this?
RF:  Wooo!  Randy, BY GOD, Orton!  We’re massaging the champ!  It’s what lackey’s do!!
HHH:  Yeah.  Get the hell back to rubbing, kid.
RO:  Uh…ok…but I don’t remember anyone helping me with my shoulder or foot.
RF:  Randy, I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last night, fat boy.  Wooo!
RO:  Fat boy?  I have 2% body fat. 

Eric Bischoff walks in…

EB:  Oooo…bad time. 
HHH:  No, no.  What do you need?  I’m in a good mood.
EB:  Uh…I need help beating Shane tonight.
HHH:  My advice, look out for falling speakers.  And uh…try to push him off the TitanTron.
EB:  Gee…Thanks.
HHH:  I’ll see if I can’t work in a run in.
RF:  Hurry up, Randy.  You have a match.
RO:  Ugh…Hand me a glove.

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The WWE was in Australia, where My Darling Stacy went to a zoo.  It’s just like a U.S. Zoo, but UPSIDE DOWN!  Word has it that while there, Kevin Nash found a pair of Juventud Guererra’s pants, and passed out.

Randy Orton v. Scott Steiner (w/ My Darling Stacy)

Randy mentions that he has bigger tits than Stacy, causing Stacy to run back to the back and into my arms.  It’s ok, Stacy, I still love you.  See, I KNEW I was going to be able to talk boobies again.  Steiner tries to grab the Orton boobies, but Randy runs away.  Test comes out to see what all the commotion is, which causes Steiner to fall over with boredom.  That’s Orton’s MOVE!  Randy wins!  The commentators spend the match talking about how J.R. will be back next week.  Good job.

HHH and Flair are still backstage.  I didn’t know Ric injured HIS groin.  Bischoff is still hanging out and trying to look cool, but it just isn’t happening.  It’s like a college TA trying to have a drink with some freshmen.  Just is not happening.

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Rosey is holding a box that says “Failed Shane Helms Gimmicks” and wondering what to do with it.  Sing a song.  The Hurricane comes in to take back his precious Green Dot, but then Chris Tian jumped into the frame and said “It’s time for Hammer Pants!” and then put on the Hammer Pants.  Segment of the Night.

Shane McMahon is standing around backstage.  Doesn’t he have a job or something?

Bischoff is talking to Rodney Mack

EB:   Why the hell am I talking to you?
RM:  I have no friends *sobs*.
AB:  Hey, guys.  Ick, why are you talking to Rodney Mack?
EB:  I honestly don’t know.  I was hanging out with HHH, and then an ad break, and now…this…crap.
AB:  So what did you tell HHH?
EB:  That he could have a no-DQ match with you at SummerSlam.
AB: Damn.  You’re crappy discussion has lead to us being in a room with Rodney Mack.
RM:  Hey guys, you’re hurting my feelings.
AB:  I have a match, so let’s get this over with.  Shake my hand Rodney.

Rodney does, and Austinberg Spears him through the wall.

RVD:  Hey!  I was almost done with that.

Chris Tian (w/ The Hammer Pants) v. The Hurricane

Stand back!  The Hammer Pants are coming through!  Hurricane jumps away from the hammer pants, causing shock and awe in the crowd.  Canadians are easily impressed. 

Hurricane stands outside the ring for a second when suddenly the Hammer Pants grab him and pin him.  A winner is the Hammer Pants.  Rosey comes out with a cadre of dancing Nitro Girls (Spice!  This whole episode is one big shout out to people who like boobies and CRZ).  Chris Tian and the Hammer Pants are so devastated by this awesome entrance, that they leave.  Hurricane is pissed.  Quit stealing his gimmicks!

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StoneMan Still Austinberg v. Ric Flair (w/ Triple H)

HHH thinks that Flair can hit a top rope maneuver.  Ahahahahahahaha!  Good one, Hunter.  Canadians don’t like Austinberg because he killed Bret Hart.  Actually, Bret Hart killed Bret Hart.  Just kidding.  He’s not dead, just Canadian.  Randy Orton comes out because he can’t stand matches where nobody is falling over.  Austinberg falls on a puddle of French blood, and the ref calls for the DQ.  Grenier with the DQ!  HHH strolls in to attack, but he’s stopped by a dancin’ Shawn Michaels!  Everybody in Canada hates Shawn too.  Chris Jericho comes out to soak up his big face heat.  He’s MR. CANADA!!  Kevin Nash tries coming out too, but he’s not Mr. Canada.

Austinberg grabs a mic and says that to make up for Bischoff making a PPV match, he’s going to change it to an Elimination Chamber match.  Shawn says “no backsies” and then Austinberg realizes that now he has to beat four MORE people to win the World Title and he Stunners Ric Flair (Flair touched him first during the match!).  HHH is sad because now The Lame will win the World Title.

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Terri interviews some basketball guy about something.  While this is going on Kevin Nash powerbombs Chris Jericho.  Jericho is sad.  He still has to wrestle!

HHH tells Eric Bischoff that he can’t help him out tonight, because he has to go back to the hotel with Orton and Flair and massage their groins.  Orton offers to stay, but HHH hits him with a Pedigree and drags him along.  HHH wins!

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Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women’s Title

Coach tries to convince me that there are men in this match so that I don’t think it’s boring, but quickly realizes that I’m not buying it.  Boobies!  See?  I told you.  It’s THEME night.  Victoria comes out to see if she can’t get in on some of this Hot Women’s Division Action, but notices that none is going on.  Hey!  Here’s Gail Kim.  She punches Trish.  That was…uh…a heel turn.  Wow.  Great.

Shane tries to find the Kane Box, but gets lost in the Hedge Maze.  Damn.  Sorry, Shane.

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Lance Storm Cubed notes that there’s only one way that he’s going to get screen time, and that’s if he hangs out with Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks.  Goldust asks if Storm has ever seen RAW, and to point out which parts he’s actually in.  Storm says “Crap”, and superkicks the wall.  RVD throws down his tools.

Eric Bischoff is backstage looking for Kane’s box.  He tells the security guys to “look over there!  A three headed monkey!”  Kane is MISSING! 

Rob Van Dam v. Chris Jericho

NO!  It’s ANOTHER PPV QUALITY MATCH!  No wonder Vince is losing money?  Where have all the squash matches gone?  RVD hits Jericho with a trowel, but Jericho doesn’t know what a trowel is so he doesn’t sell.  RVD hits Jericho with a brick, and Jericho goes down.  RVD wins!  After the match, Jericho challenges Kevin Nash to a hair/hair match so that he can get the WWE to pay for a cool hair cut like Test and Christian have.  I guess Chris has never heard of Cost Cutters.  Odds on the match ending with Ric Flair somehow losing HIS hair?  2/1.

Eric Bischoff is backstage.  Hey!  GASP!  That Kane Box needs more Kane!

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Eric tries kicking a shield held by Time Keeper Dan, but Time Keeper Dan is +3 with Shields and the Shield carries a 2 Armor Rating with +4 v. Crappy Kicks, so it doesn’t go well.  Anybody who has played the WWE Backstage RPG would know better.  Just ask Scott Steiner.

 Eric Bischoff v. Shane McMahon

Eric and Shane trade crappy moves for a few minutes before the SUPERSHANESPEAR ends things fast.  Bad luck for Eric.  Wait, here’s Kane to break that up.  Kane is no selling all of Shane’s offense, but Shane just keeps it coming.  I guess Shane HASN’T been watching RAW for the past few weeks.  Kane doesn’t sell anymore, silly.  Kane Tombstones Shane onto some steps and then wipes Shane’s blood off the steps before handing him back over to Eric.  How considerate.  Don’t want slippery steps, that’s an OSHA violation.  Eric gets the pin and the win, and celebrates by high fiving Lawler and Coach.  That wouldn’t exactly be MY first choice.  Shane seems dead.  Somebody better check on that, he’s only HALF Zombie. 

Where the hell is the ramp?

Next Week:  Suga Rosey and The Hurricane search for the missing ramp.  The other five wrestlers involved in the Elimination Chamber Match at Summerslam plot out how they’re going to lock Goldberg’s cage.  Linda McMahon shows up and chokeslams Kane.

Be THERE.  Or not.  Whatever.  After all, I’ll still be HERE!  Crazy Go Nuts, my Friends.

E-MAIL MATT    
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