by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Hey, it’s time for the Highlight Reel.  Oh, man!  The entrance is on the wrong side.  I hate it when that happens.  Screws up my perception skills.  Jericho says that his guest tonight will be Shawn Michaels.  What the hell.  This is like the 85^th time that Shawn has been on the Highlight Reel.  Aren’t these guys supposed to hate each other, or something?  I guess they just can’t stop hanging out.  That’s nice.  Oh…wait…Jericho leaves, and says that he’s going to have Evolution fill-in for him tonight.  Speaking of, here’s HHH, The Lame, and Triple Naitch….

RF:  WOOO!  Shawn, by God, MICHAELS!  It’s been alleged that I’m a 16 time world’s heavyweight champion, and I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN last night, fat boy!  WOOO!  How do you respond?
SM:  Uh…by Super Kicking you in the face?
HHH:  That wouldn’t be very nice.  You should try being more nice.
SM:  By reading you a passage from the Bible?
HHH:  That’s better.  You know, last year’s Elimination Chamber was tough.  You beat me for the Dance Dance World Title, and I spent two days in the hospital.  Hopefully, this year, only Randy will spend two days in the hospital.
RO:  Hey!

Then everybody starts to beat up Orton.  Weee…that’s fun.  Nash runs out to get his shots in, and then Austinberg runs out and hits Orton with the Jachhammer.  Orton is left in a pool of his own blood.  This is by far the greatest segment in RAW history.

Backstage, My Darling Stacy is primping her boobs.  Oh, don’t bother, honey.  Besides, that’s not why I like you anyway.  Test walks by and asks if Stacy can help him put in some hair extensions because the WWE says that he’s not supposed to look like Coach Nash, and after tonight that means going back to long hair AGAIN.  Stacy slaps him for giving away the results of the big match tonight.  That’s right, babe, knock him out.

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Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women’s Title

HOT WOMEN’S TITLE ACTION!   Now don’t get me wrong, Molly and Trish both have boobies, and for that I am thankful, but I just can’t be excited about this.  I mean…can’t they just not wrestle?  I mean, I have to sit through one of these matches EVERY week, and what do I get for it?  A brief showing of boobies?  Come on.  Gail Kim feels my pain, and she runs out to stop this match.  Thank you, Gail.  You may not have the boobies, but you have my respect, and that’s more important.  Molly retains.

Austinberg is backstage with the Evolution.

RF:  Woo!  I….
AB:  What?
RF:  Took your old lady….
AB:  What?
RF:  On a ride….
AB:  What?
RF:  Stop that!
HHH:  What do you want, Austinberg?
AB:  I just came back here to pester Flair.  It’s fun.
HHH:  Oh.  Yeah.  I do that sometimes.
RO:  Ow.  You guys, that wasn’t very cool.  Beating me up.
AB:  Huh.  I feel like beating you up later tonight, in a match.
RO:  Oh, man!
HHH:  Sounds like you need a special guest enforcer.  I’ll do it.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

HHH Pedigree’s Orton.

AB:  Nah, I have that covered too.
RF:  Woo?
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO FLAIR!  Ah, just kidding.  I can’t stay mad at you Naitch.

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Here comes the Shane.  He’s out to talk.  Talk talk talk.  Maybe he’ll talk about the lack of wrestling on this show.  Nope, he IS talking about wrestling, however the wrestling he’s talking about is going to happen at SummerSlam against Eric Bischoff.  Wow.  I hope somebody goes flying off the TitonTron.  They should do that during every show.  He’s going to go looking for Eric tonight to get a head start on the beatings.  Wait…Eric hasn’t shown up yet?  I want a job with the WWE.  I could show up like, an hour and a half late every day, and nobody would bat an eye.  They’d just talk about me, and it’d be like I was there.  Woah.  That’d be SO cool.  I should try that at my job, just show up two hours late, and know that my boss with have cameras and a cracked out interviewer waiting for my arrival.  This is gonna rock!

Oh, is Shane still talking?  Dammit.  Does this guy every shut up?  He hasn’t said “Yo Yo Yo” or “Booyah” once yet.  He says that he’s got something for Kane.  Is it $50?  Because I totally need $50, and I doubt that Kane does, so he could send it to me instead.  Wait.  It’s a can of Coke.  A can of Coke?  Oh, it must be a piece offering of some sort.  Shane is a very forgiving man.  I’m not.  Go away, Shane.

Man, I’m mean.

Here’s Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks with Lance Storm Cubed.

GD:  So, I just want you to go through this door here.
LS:  This’ll get us over?
GD:  Uh…yeah.  Sure.
LS:  What’s in there?
GD:  Uh…over juice.  It getsya over.
LS:  We’ve got to get some of that!

Lances go through the door.  Goldust closes it.  The sign on the door says “HHH’s Groin Rubbing Room”.

GD:  Surely that will make him inexplicably disappear for the rest of the night.  See you next week, Lance.

Linda McMahon is in Stamford “reading” her bent up copy of WWE Referees Undressed.  Ew.  Hey, Teddy Long!  Bul-EE that Playa.

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Test v. Scott Steiner v. Me (w/ Stacy Keibler)
For the WWE Stacy Title

I’ve got New Music!  Unfortunately, It’s just a re-mix of my old music.  Thanks, P-Diddy.  Seriously, if they’re going to keep having this match, they should just get it over with and officially declare Stacy a title.  That’d be great.  And then people can keep trying to win Stacy, until finally they job it out to HHH.  Then, Hunter will get hurt and have to drop her to Goldberg.  And then Goldberg will be like “What am I going to do with a Stacy?”, and so he gets rid of her.  And then a lower mid-carder…say…Spike Dudley finds her in a trashcan, and just starts defending her on Heat, or something.  That’ll be great.  This WWE Title will be worth winning!  Test pretends to blow out his knee and Steiner leaves, but I’m on to his clever ruse, and I hit him in the groin with a sledgehammer.  That’s my move!!  I win. 

(ads)

La French Guys are out in the ring.  What the hell?  Oh, right.  Wrestlers.  The ring. This is a wrestling show.  They spend some time making fun of the Dudley Boyz when they spot a G.I. Joe in the front row.  It’s Duke!  Yo, Joe!  Duke is just trying to enjoy the show and get over his heartbreaking divorce from Scarlet.  She was a piece of ass, Duke, you lost out.  Before La Resistance can do anything remotely involving, say, wrestling, The Dudleyz run out and chase them off.  They celebrate until Duke starts shooting at them with his…uh…laser rifle.  The bullets are RED!  Oh no!  Heel turn by DUKE!  Duke has joined La Resistance!  My childhood is crushed!  He misses by about 6 feet with every shot, of course.  I dunno, maybe it was just the Baroness in disguise.  Didn’t they do that in, like, 8 episodes?

Chris Jericho is backstage playing with his hair.  I didn’t know Chris Jericho was a 12 year old girl.  That’s the one thing I love about RAW, I learn something new EVERY week.

(ads…Hey!  It’s DDP.  He may have a back injury, but that won’t every stop him from shilling.  SHILL DDP, SHILL!)

Slamball.  Really.  Is DDP supposed to make me care?  Yeah, I know he was a wrestler, but come on.  Really.

Linda sure as hell spends a lot of time on WWE.com.  What in the world is she looking for on there?  Her divas site?  More hot referee pix?  I mean, geez, I’d say I’m a regular visitor to the site, but every time I go there I can’t spend more than 2 seconds there, there’s so little going on.  Hey, Linda has a WWF Attitude mousepad.  How cheap is that?  Hey Linda, get the F out.  No seriously.  Go.

Chris Jericho v. Kevin Nash
A Hair v. Hair Match

Coach Nash has really blond hair.  Why he bothered to bleach it, I’ll never know.  Wait…is this a match?  Oh.  Let me get my match watchin’ writing style ready.  Alright, I’m prepared to coast.   Nash is sad because he has to cut off his hair, so he takes out his agression by beating up Chris Jericho.  Jericho is knocked out.  Aw crap.  Now Jericho can’t win the match.  Oh, wait, Nash slips on the same spot that Test pretended to slip on and blows out his knee.  Jericho rolls over for the pin.  Jericho wins!  Wait…hold on.  Not even Microsoft Word believes that.  Clippy keeps asking me if I mean “HHH wins”.  No, Clippy, no.  I believe in miracles.  Jericho goes over to Jamie Noble’s Bag of Fun.  get something to cut Nash’s hair, but just ends up with a bunch of beads.  The hell?

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Suga Rosey is standing around with Some Little Girl.  She is sad because her cat ran away.  I bet Bossman ate it.  Rosey tries to cheer her up.

SR:  Do you like the Backstreet Boys?
LG:  No way.  Come on.  They are SO stupid.  I like 50 Cent.
SR:  We have a cool number name too!  3 Count!  I’m sure you’ve heard of us.
LG:  Who?
SR:  Come on.  “Sing along with Three Count”.
TH:  Ugh.  Rosey.  She doesn’t know who you are.  Knock it off. 
LG:  Hey, aren’t you “The Hurricane”?
TH:  Why yes I am, Citizen Little Girl.
LG:  You’re so stupid.  I hope HHH gets you fired. 

Hurricane hits her with the Vertibreaker while Rosey dances on his green dot.

Rodney Mack (w/ Theodore Long) v. Suga Rosey (w/ The Hurricane)

Theodore Long says that he just got back from a cruise and the boat was WHITE.  Cruise planners shouldn’t haterize.  Rosey comes out and he and Rodney have as an exciting a brawl as two big guys who don’t wrestle well can have.  Theodore tries to get involved, but Hurricane won’t stand for it.  Say, how long have these guys been feuding without me noticing?  For like, two months, right?  Holy Super Hero in Training.  While nobody is looking, Shannon Moore sneaks out from the crowd and helps Rosey get the win.

Linda is “live via satellite” talking about her injury, which means that she didn’t bother coming to the arena and just taped a segment, leaving it for J.R. and Jerry Lawler to try to cover for her.  Eric Bischoff comes in.

LM:  Uh…Eric?  Why are you…here?
EB:  Finally We’re alone.
Camera Guy Steve:  Uh…and me.
EB:  And Camera Guy Steve.

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Back at the McMansion!

LM:  Brock will be back any minute.
EB:  Then we’d best hurry my love. 
LM:  Eric, you’re a greasy weasel and I’m a zombie, it’ll never work.
EB:  Man, you know, I’m so pissed because Shane bought WCW.
LM:  That’s great Eric, but that was, what, 2 years ago?
EB:  Yeah.  Yeah.  Good times.
LM:  You just said they WEREN’T good times.
EB:  Linda, your logic confuses me, let’s go to the bedroom and make hot passionate love.
CGS:  Can I come?
LM:  No.

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Shane steals a car to go chase Eric.  Grand Theft Shane!  Oh!  OH!  Try to steal the ice cream truck!  It’ll be Crazy Go Nuts.  Uh…wait…Michigan to Connecticut…that’ll take…too long.  What the hell, Shane?  Shane forgot, but he still needs more Kane.

Rob Van Dam v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Rob Van Dam is really shooting up the ladder!  The Elimi-Date Chamber the place careers go to die!  Don’t believe the promo guy?  Just ask Rob Van Dam.  Oh, I’m just kidding.  Kinda.  Chris tries to get a chair involved in the match, but apparently he forgot that RVD used Chairs in every single one of his ECW matches.  After Chris Tian gets a faceful of chair, Kane comes out (sans box or guards) and steals RVD.  It’s a RAW clearance sale, everything and everyone must go!

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Stevie Richards earns his money by showing up tonight.  Hey!  It’s Rico.  They’re offering me money to see Stacy’s ass.  What the hell.  Rico?  Really?  You know, I bet Victoria would be pissed.  Instead, I just show them a computer.  Come on, kids, you all know how to find that stuff.

Kane has RVD chained to a post.  Ew.  He said that he had something to show RVD.  Ok, double ew.  It’s Shane’s can of Coke.  Aw, Kane wants to be friends with RVD again.  Share a Coke, Share a Smile, Kane and RVD!  Kane pours it all over RVD.  Ok…come on now.  This is like a really bad WWE Fan Fic.  Kane tries to light a match so that he can see RVD’s reaction in the dark, but he can’t get it done.  Can’t he just ask the lighting guy to turn the light up a bit?  Kane says that he’ll do whatever he wants to do, and walks off to find a computer to dowload pictures of Stacy’s ass.  RVD wishes that it was Pepsi.

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Triple H and Triple Naitch are on commentary.  Best commentary team EVER!

Austinberg v. Randy Orton

Austinberg SELLS for Randy Orton.  Jeb must be pretty pissed.  Austinberg fights back though because he is AWESOME.  Flair runs down, but Flair is Flair and Austinberg is awesome.  Stunner for Flair, Jackhammer for Orton.  Austinberg has singlehandedly taken the WWE by storm (not Lance Storm, mind you).  He counts his own pin!!  Austinberg is the best!  Kevin Nash runs in (now with short hair!  He looks like Test!) and powerbombs Orton.  Triple H starts dancing around which causes Shawn Michaels to come out and superkick Orton.  Jericho comes in, and hits Randy with a chair.  Who will win the Elimi-Date Chamber?  Probably you.

Next Week:  New Dance Dance World Champion Shawn Michaels will superkick Linda McMahon because Linda is OVER.  Randy Orton will get beat up by a pile of midgets, or possibly Chris Benoit.  Kevin Nash will offer to buy Goldust’s wig for his former student, Test. 

Sounds like something closely resembling fun!  Be there!

E-MAIL MATT    
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