by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

{Opening Credits}

Hey, Austinberg is coming out, and the crowd is going nuts.  He may have jobbed to pudding in the face, but everybody still loves Austinberg.  But he’s not out to chug beer and complain, oh no, he wants Triple H to come out first.  THEN he can chug beer and complain.

Out comes The Game (with Triple Naitch and The Lame) and Austinberg immediately starts chugging a beer.

AB:  Aw, man.  Why couldn’t you guys have let Ol’ StoneMan win?
HHH:  It’s in my contract.  I CAN’T let anyone else win.  I keep trying to drop the belt to you, Shawn, Nash, Jericho, Rock…but Vince won’t let me.  I’m trying man.  I even stayed the hell out of the match last night so that somebody else would win, but then Naitch got involved…I was confused….
AB:  Aw, shove it.  You stole that trick from Eddie Guererro.
EG:   Yeah, HHHolmes!
RO:  How do you pronounce that?  HeHeHolmes?
Everybody:  Shut up, Randy.
RF:  Uh…I’m a 16 time world champion!  I took all your old ladies on rides on Space Mountain last night fatboys!  Wooo!
HHH:  Good one, Naitch!  Anyway, I’m just going to stand around on RAW from now on, because I beat 5 guys last night, so I should get to take 5 PPVs off.
AB:  Hey, I beat most of those guys.
HHH:  That’s it Austinberg, I’m challenging you!  Unforgiven, if you aren’t injured, we’ll have a match.  If you win, you get the title, if I win, you have to split up.
AB:  What?  Split up?  What? That’s ridiculous.  What?  HHH, You’re NEXT!
HHH:  Oh, God, I hate you Austinberg.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Hey!  It’s Trish Stratus.  Aw, hell.  That means women’s action is NEXT!

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Trish Stratus v. Gail Kim

Neither of these women has the Women’s Title, thus negating the need for this match to happen on RAW.  Gail is still trying to get on my good side, by trying to get the match over with as quickly as possible.  You’re an orange Life Saver, Gail.  Trish wins with a bulldog.  She’s a regular Crash Holly, she is.  Speaking of Hollys, here’s Molly.  She beats up Trish and stares at Gail.  What a transition!  Needed more Kane.

Last night, Eric Bischoff wondered why Vince McMahon chases around old cows when he  has an even older cow at home.  Does Vince own a ranch?

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Molly is backstage choking Gail Kim.  Yeah.  Good times.  Somehow this ends with them becoming a tag team.  A tag team?  I hope they beat La French Guys.  That’ll be the best Heat main event ever.

Mark Henry is out with Theodore Long.  So this is who RAW got for Bradshaw?  Wow.  This has really made my day.  Crappy.

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak v. Rodney Mack and Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

This is truly a match made to open Heat.  Oh, man.  I thought the women’s match was hard to watch, but this is just.  Harder.  Fast forward to the ending…oops I missed it.  I don’t feel like going back.  I’ll assume that Theodore Long got the pin.  Buh-lee THAT playa.

Here’s Lance Storm Cubed and Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks.

LS:  Ok.  Ew.  Last week was gross.
GD:  I can’t believe you all fell for that.  Let’s see what I can get you to do this week!
LS:  Seriously, we don’t think this is helping us get any more over.
GD:  No, no.  Trust me, Booker T had to do all the same things before he got over.
LS:  Oh fine.  What now?
GD:  First, I’m going to bring in some midgets, and they’re going to hump you….
LS:  Uh….
GD:  And then we’re going to paint you all pink head to toe.
LS:  Oh, come on.
GD:  Then we’re going to tape beef jerky to your chins.
LS:  We’re out of here.
GD:  But I haven’t gotten to the part with the platypus.  Lances!

Elsewhere Backstage, Rosey is talking to Tough Enough Jessie…

TEJ:  And that’s how I got this role standing backstage.
RS:  We like the Backstreet Boys, *Nsync too.  Britney Spears is kind of cute.
TEJ:  Are you even listening to me?
RS:  No, aren’t you listening to me?
TEJ:  No.
RS:  Why not?  Shannon Moore and me are going on tour!

Not if Matt Hardy has anything to say about it.  Rosey leaves.  Hurricane enters.

TH:  Hey, baby.  Can I get your number?  I’m a superhero.
TEJ:  Mr. McMahon says that I don’t have to talk to you, because you’re creepy.
TH:  Well, Beatch I don’t know if crying a lot is the best way to get a job.
TEJ:  Says you.
TH:  Quiet.  I’m trying to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show.
TEJ:  Don’t shut me up *cries*.
TH:  Oh…man.  I’m sorry Tough Enough Jessie.
TEJ:  Got you!  Ahahaha.  I’m the best crier there is.  I think somebody might be in the ring.
TH:  I’m there.  Call me.

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Did you know that The Rock is going to be in a new movie?  Try to go see this one or else Rock will come back and beat up Maven.

During the break, Rosey was out trying to sing when he accidently was too fat and crushed the T-Shirt Shootin’ Guy while dancing.  Hurricane ran out to have a match, but when he saw that it was just Rosey, he got mad and left.

Austinberg is backstage with Terri.  He tells her that he doesn’t really know why Coach turned heel, because it doesn’t make sense for an announcer to turn anything.  Eric Bischoff comes in and tells Austin that wearing a stupid hat is the cool new thing that all the kids are doing.  Then Bischoff says that Coach’s heel turn will likely make sense by the end of the night.  And if it doesn’t, then Bischoff will give Austin a dollar next week live on RAW.

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Rob Conway is some guy who’s joining La Resistance.  Looks like a jobber to me.  Hey!  What happened to Duke?

Rob Conway and La Resistance v. Spike, D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley

The Dudley Boyz are looking for Duke as the match starts, but I guess he’s off hiding from the rest of the Joes.  Find him, Shipwreck!  Spike actually HITS the Dudley Dog.  Wow.  The Dudleyz also hit 3-D on both members of La French Guys.  And yet they still end up losing the match.  When the hell did the Dudleyz start sucking this bad?

Whoa!  Linda McMahon is backstage.

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Chris Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel with special guest, Linda McMahon (w/ Oo!  Oo!  Theme from WrestleMania!)

CJ:  So.  You’re a zombie.
LM:  Braii…I mean.  Yes.
CJ:  Did you get raped by Eric Bischoff?
LM:  No, we’re not writing necrophilia any more.  The Fry Guys took him out of the McMahonsion.
CJ:  Oh.  That ruins my next question then.
LM:  What was it?
CJ:  Did you screw Eric’s brains out and eat them?

Here’s Vince.

VM:  That would have made for a cool angle!
CJ:  Hell yeah it would have.
LM:  I don’t want to have to explain THAT one in conference call.
VM:  Shane’s a half-zombie, I wonder how HE feels about this.

Shane to block.

SM:  Eh.  It’s pretty mediocre.
VM:  Hey, who are you to call my angle mediocre!
LM:  I’m leaving now.
CJ:  How dare you all interrupt the Highlight Reel!  I’m challenging one of you to a match!
VM:  How about with Linda?  That’d be fun.
LM:  Brock is waiting for me out in the car.
SM:  I’ve got nothing.  I’ll see you later tonight.

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Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair) v. Maven (w/ Shawn Michaels)

Maven was able to convince Shawn that he was The Rock, so Shawn came out to be at ringside.  Everybody loves The Rock.  Maven takes control of the match, but Triple Naitch gets involved.  Shawn Michaels isn’t having any of that.  Neither am I.  Knock it off, Ric.  Maven is about to win the match, but he realizes that he doesn’t have a finisher and falls over.  That’s Orton’s MOVE!  Randy wins.

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Here’s Funk Master Flex.  Did the world need driving shoes?  Really?

Eric Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are in the ring.

EB:  The heel turn of the year award goes to Coach.
JC:  Thanks for letting me out of my box.
EB:  Whatever, Coach.
JC:  So, is this like a Slammy, or what?
EB:  No.  This is nothing like a Slammy.  Now why did you turn heel?
JC:  Because you asked me to.  Remember?  You were like, “Coach, turn heel!”
EB:  Oh, yeah.  I was REALLY drunk that day.

Chris Tian makes his way to the ring.  Chris Tian?  The hell?

CT:  Why did I come out here again?
JC:  Was it to talk to me?
CT:  No.  Wait.  I wanted to wrestle somebody for the Intercontinental Title.
EB:  Want to wrestle me?
CT:  Not really, no.

Austinberg is out.  The ring is really filling up.

AB:  This ring is really filling up.
EB:  What the hell is this segment about again?
JC:  I got an award for being better than J.R.
AB:  Right.
CT:  And I wanted to wrestle somebody.
AB:  What this segment needs is a semi-retired wrestler.  Jerry Lawler, come on down!
JL:  Alright!  I’m going to win a title!
AB:  Now I will give Coach the finger.

Austinberg gives Coach the finger.

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Jerry Lawler v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Lawler tries to tell Christian about puppies, but Christian isn’t having any of it.  However, Christian was unprepared to deal with “classic” wrestling styles from before he was born, and Lawler takes control.  Jerry goes to pull down his strap, but he is blinded by the glare from Coach’s head, and Christian rolls him up.  What a dirty trick!

Meanwhile, backstage, Shane is wandering around by a big long fence.  What’s that doing backstage anyway?  Kane is wandering around behind the fence herding sheep.  Arizona has always been known for it’s sheep production.

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Coach and Christian are celebrating the fact that Christian has a belt.  I have a belt too.  Where is she?  Stacy?  Darling?  Then, Austinberg comes in and tells Coach that he’s going to wrestle against Jerry Lawler next week.  Oh boy!  Announcer fight!

Chris Jericho v. Shane McMahon

Jericho is the more experienced wrestler, but Shane has a distinct advantage:  Crappy Hair.   Jericho almost breaks out laughing and Shane spears him in the balls.  That move usually works.  WAIT.  OH NO!  Under his mesh “Shane” shirt, Shane is wearing a Highlight Reel shirt.  I can see the film reel!  HEEL TURN BY SHANE!  This turn of events is so exciting, Kane’s pyro goes off.  Let’s take an ad break to cool down.

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Jericho and Shane are trading blows to find out who the real heel in this match is.  At this point, I’m leaning toward Earl Hebner, but that could just be because one of the legs on this chair is broken.  Kane’s pyro goes off again, but this tie it’s to introduce some more Kane to the show.  Jericho leaves, and Shane and Kane wander slowly out the arena.  Kane pops up out of nowhere as Shane pokes his head out the door.  Wow, for such a big guy, he sure is sneaky, and Kane throws his arms up and down, lighting a giant grill on fire.  Wow.  You could cook a big piece of steak on there.  He’s going to throw Shane in, but he slips on a poorly placed banana peel, and falls into the grill.  Wow, this is just like Hansel and Gretel.  Where’s Stephanie?  Shane looks battered and beaten, but he turns and delivers one bone chilling line that will haunt my dreams for years to come.

SM:  Camera Guy Dan, pass the marshmallows.

Next Week:  Kane comes back from the dead and starts an all zombies stable with Linda and Shane despite their past problems.  Kevin Nash, Test and My Darling Stacy will actually get to be on the show.  Triple H and Austinberg will drown their sorrows by beating up on Randy Orton.

Alright, Shane’s made me hungry, somebody pass me the marshmallows.

E-MAIL MATT    
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