by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits…It’s Labor Day, why are these guys working.  Why am I working?)

Hey, you know Kane?  He’s not dead.  Wow.  Good for him.

Jonathan Coachman v. Jerry Lawler

All announcers all the time!  I can’t WAIT until Tazz starts wrestling.  Wait.  Never mind.  Coach tries to get the upper hand, but Jerry has actually wrestled before so Coach’s attacks are all in vain.  Al Snow is out and mad that Coach is out here embarrassing Heat.  Uh…Too late.  Coach says that he doesn’t need Al Snow, because he has a trick up his sleeve.  OH MY GOD!  Coach runs out of the ring and flips a switch which turns off all the lights in the arena.  Is that his move or not?  I’m not sure.  I wish Tony Schiavone was around to tell me.  In any event, when somebody turns the lights back on, Coach is in the ring holding a candlestick.  Lawler is down!  Coach wins.  If you had “Jonathan Coachman with the Candlestick in the Ring”, you win.  J.R. thinks this was all a big set up by Al Snow, but Al didn’t do anything but come down to the ring.  I’m confused.  So is Al.  So Al, Coach, J.R., Shawn Michaels, Shane McMahon, and I do the only thing we know to do when we get confused.  That’s right.  We dance.

Wait.  Oh, on this replay from the Super Expensive RAW Satire Infrared Cam 486 we see that it was Al Snow who candlestuck Lawler, and then handed the weapon to Coach.  That bastard!  Wait wait wait.  Ok, I forgot that I lost the Al Snow card from my WWE Clue game, so I guess nobody wins.  I also lost the little revolver, so I can’t shoot Coach.   Isn’t Clue fun?

Shane is still dancing when Terri wanders by….

TR:  Hi, Shane.
SM:  AH!  It’s a Skeleton!  And me without my Staff +1 v. The Undead.
TR:  No, it’s just me.  Terri.
SM:  AH!!
TR:  Speaking of the Undead, Kane is still undead.
SM:  I know.  After I finished the marshmallow roast, I put out the fire, and Kane was totally not there.
TR:  What the hell?  That doesn’t make any sense.
SM:  Sure it does.  I have the explanation right here in my left hand.  Look.

Terri leans in and Shane knocks her out.

SM:  One down, 4 million to go.  Ahahahahaha!  I’ll NEVER have to explain this angle.

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Eric Bischoff is standing around with Coach and Al Snow.

EB:  Al, what the hell are you doing here?
AS:  Oh, it’s just time for my tri-yearly RAW cameo.  Just forget I was even here….
EB:  Oh.  So, Coach.  What’s up.
JC:  Oh, nothin’.  How about you?
EB:  I just ate some Chex Mix, but I think I ate a coaster.
JC:  A coaster?
EB:  I thought it was one of those bagel chips. 
AB:  I hate those.
EB:  Austinberg!
AB:  I’m totally out here to talk about something.  But I forget, so I’m going to go bemoan the lack of wrestling on the show by going out to the ring and drinking a Stillweiser, OH HELL YEAH!
JC:  That doesn’t make any sen….
AS:  You’d best just let him go, Coach.

Austinberg goes out to the ring and pulls the Highlight Reel rug out from the ring, but all the props stay standing up!  I LOVE that trick!  Austinberg goes in and kicks all the props over!  I LOVE that kick!  Austinberg says that he’s sick of being called J.R.’s “boy” and suggests “dawg”, “homie”, “twin sister”, “stud muffin’”, or “Buff Daddy” as possible replacements.  I bet there will be a WWE.Com poll about that.  This of course leads to a match for Unforgiven between Coach and J.R. over who gets to be Austinberg’s twin sister.  Man, I love these announcer fights.  I hope the Spanish announce team takes EVERYBODY out.  While he’s at it, he books a match between The Lame and Shawn Michaels, because Randy is fast becoming known as the “Bad Match Haver” and Austinberg hates Shawn Michaels.  This of course leads to Austinberg making the major announcement that The Rock is here tonight to promote his big movie, and will be in a match with Shawn Michaels and himself against Evolution.

Chris Jericho comes out, for no reason at all.  Oh wait.  That was HIS Highlight Reel that got ruined.  Oh.  Jericho starts to complain about it, but Austinberg doesn’t listen to cruiserweights.  Lookit all that flab, Austinberg.  Jericho hasn’t been a cruiserweight since that one time when he ate his beard.  Here’s Chris Tian to…oh, I give up trying to make sense of this crap.  So does Austinberg, and he books a match.  Between who?  Find out…NEXT!

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Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

What.  The.  Hell?  There are at least three things wrong with this match.

1)      Too many heels.  Lookit all them heels.  Two of them.  The crowd is confused as to who to cheer, and the only viable option is Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks.  Or Lillian Garcia.  Or the Guy Who Throws Beer to Austinberg.  Beer Guy gets pops.  Push the Beer Guy!

2)      J.R. cannot call this match.  First of all, they’re both blonde.  Secondly, they’re both Canadian.  Thirdly they’re both named “Chris”.  J.R. just resigns himself to calling them “Squinky” and “Nobblenose”, but he forgets which is which halfway through and calls them both “Edge”.

3)      Both these guys cheat, thus opening up a mind numbing paradox.  If both guys cheat during the course of a match, and one of them gets the win by cheating, does that in effect make the ending clean?  Does the cheating cancel itself out, as it is available to both participants, thus leaving the match spotless?  I call this the “Eddie Guererro Principal”, but you probably call it stupid.  It’s not MY fault you failed Calculus.

Christian gets the clean win?

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Austinberg says that he thinks that last segment sucked, then he says that Shane should probably leave, in case Kane shows up and things start to get crazy go nuts.  Shane is all “What’s the worst that can happen?  It’s not like he’s going to clamp power cables to my balls and electrocute me.”  Pshaw.  Shane’s right.  What is this, Oz?  Of course not.  That’s Kevin Nash. 

Triple H is in the ring saying that it won’t be any problem beating the “Bionic Jackhammer” at the Pay Per View, because he’s got Triple Naitch to back him up.  Randy Orton reminds Triple H that he’s got his backne too.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!  Soon, Triple H says, Austinberg will be two once again. Suddenly, Austinberg appears behind Triple H.

AB:  AHA!  You’re next!
HHH:  Holy sh…Austinberg.  How in the hell did you do that?
AB:  AHA!  You’re next!
HHH:  No.  Seriously.  Dude.  That FREAKED me out, man.  How in the hell…
AB:  I dunno.  I was backstage with Shane and now…
HHH:  You’re here.
AB:  In the ring.
RF:  Wooo!  I know what happened!
HHH:  What?
AB:  HEY!  That’s MY line, pal!
RF:  What happened was…Well…uh…I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy, WOOOOO!
HHH:  Right.  Good detective work, Naitch.
AB:  It all makes sense now.
RO:  Ow…Hey.  Could Austinberg’s teleportation abilities have something to do with Kane’s mysterious disappearance from the dumpster?
AB:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
HHH:  Now, that one is MY line.

Triple H Pedigrees Orton.

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Molly Holly and Gail Kim v. Trish Stratus and Ivory

Ivory?  IVORY?  Say, they’re not doing another Tough Enough while I wasn’t looking are they?  Oh, I get it  It’s the ALL CAMEOS EDITION OF RAW!  Login to WWE.Com and see if you can spot all the cameos!  If you can, you win a free limited edition bottle of Stacker Two once owned by the Big Show.  This bottle is just like new, it’s never been opened, and now it can be yours if you can spot all the RAW cameos.  Well, either that or they figured out that there were no other face women on RAW.  After several successive weeks of earning my respect, Gail Kim does nothing to get this match over and done with quickly.  Damn you, Kim.  Anywho, I’ve spent just about enough time on this match.  Everybody but Gail has boobies, so Gail wins, I guess.  Maybe the other girls feel sorry for her.

Vince McMahon is backstage trying to figure out if “Bionic Jackhammer” isn’t close enough to “Genetic Jackhammer” to sue.  I dunno, ask Spike Lee.  Shane wanders by, and Vince gives him a hug.  Aw.  I guess they’ve reconciled.  Wait!  As Shane walks away, we see that he has a sign on his back that reads “Stick cables on my balls and electrocute me!”  That took, like, 6 post-it notes.  Way to be frugal with your office supplies, Vince.

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Shane says that he ain’t afraid of no ghosts, and that Dead Kane should just come down and get a face full of Shane’s “Staff of Ghostly Ass Kicking”.  Eric Bischoff comes down to shoo Shane away before he gets his balls electrocuted.  Geez, what the hell is these people’s fascination with Shane getting his junk electrocuted?  Is there some kind of kinky bondage thing going on in pro-wrestling.  Well…actually, never mind.  We already KNOW there is.  But still. 

Whoa!  Here comes Kane!  He is covered in marshmallow and he looks PISSED.  How did he get out of there anyway?  Shane starts swinging away with his staff, but Kane isn’t having any of selling that.  Instead, Shane gets a face full of coffee.  Kane starts yelling, “How’d you like THAT, Jericho?!”, but Bischoff tells him that Jericho already left and that this is Shane McMahon, who should not have his balls electrocuted.  Kane looks confused for a minute, and then sprays silly string in Shane’s crotch.  OH NO!  Shane might have to wipe that off!  DAMN YOU KANE!  DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

RVD is backstage watching all this. 

RVD:   Duuuuude.  It’s like a kaleidoscope of colors.  That entrance ramp has me totally tripping out.
AB:  Hey, Rob.  What’s happening out in the ring?
RVD:  Kane is showing Shane the mystical wonder road to the land of happy thoughts.  Shhh…it’s a secret.
AB:  Dude, whatever you’re smoking, I’ll take two.
RVD:  It’s in my back pocket.
AB:  EW.  Never mind.  It’s all wet.

RVD goes down to the ring to tell Kane about the magic bunny he just met, but Kane already left.  Then RVD accidentally electrocutes Shane in the balls.  I guess it’s for the best, since I heard Marissa Mazolla had a demon infested womb anyway. 

RVD:  Dude, does anybody smell chicken cooking?  Oh, man!  I’ve got the munchies!

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Kane is really pissed off because he wished that HE would have thought of electrifying Shane in the balls.  Eric Bischoff feels Kane’s pain and that next week, Kane and RVD, his bane, will face off in Spain, in a cage made of chain.  In the rain.  With special guest referee:  A-Train.  The joke is beginning to wane.  I’m going insane.

Sorry about that.

The Hurricane and Suga Rosey v. La French Guys (w/ Rob Conway)

Things are going swimingly for Shane and the Fat Man, when suddenly, Rosey decides to take a dance break and sets off Rikishi’s pyro.  The combination of flying flab and flashing flames is enough distraction for Rob Conway to come in and hit Rosey with the green dot.  Oh no!  La Resistance wins.  And retains.  I guess.  Though the titles weren’t on the line, so they would have retained anyway.  Now, earlier today, we replaced La Resistance’s regular tables, with Dudley Boyz.  Will they notice?  Let’s watch.

RD:  Un-hu-hu.  I am french!
SG:  Knock it off and help me get these tables, will you.
RD:  Just as soon as I drink ze wine and kiss ze women.
SG:  Shut the hell up.  Your French accent sucks.
RD:  Hey, Sylvan.
SG:  Yeah, Rene?
RD:  I just noticed that these tables are full of much more texture and zest.
BD:  That’s because we’re not tables.  We’re Dudleyz.
RD:  Oh.  Yeah.  That’d do it.
SG:  Say, do you suppose you could let us put Rosey through you?
BD:  Uh…no.
DD:  TESTIFY!

The Dudleyz start to beat up La Resistance, but soon, they lose interest and go hunting for something more fun to beat on.

It’s THE ROCK!

TR:  Hey, Maven.  What are you doing backstage?
Rock:  AH!  It’s the Mummy from The Mummy Returns!
TR:  No.  It’s me.  Terri.
Rock:  AH!
TR:  So…Maven.  What ARE you doing backstage?
Rock:  I’m not Maven.  It’s me.  The Rock.

Here’s Ric Flair and Randy Orton.

RF:  Hey, Maven.  You’re so stupid.  You think you can hang with a 16 time World’s champion?
RO:  Yeah.  And you definitely can’t hang with me.  The Lame.  Wait a minute….
Rock:  For the last goddamn time.  I’m The Rock.  I’m here to promote my movie “The Rundown” with that Kid Who Drinks Pee and The Cowbell Guy.  Geez.  And it will be an honor to work with you, Ric.  And I know I can whip your monkey ass, Randy.
RO: Big words for a guy who jobbed to me last week.
Rock:  I was in Vancouver last week.
RF:  You, wish, fat boy.  Just like you wish you had what it takes to be in Evolution.
Rock:  You wouldn’t want me in Evolution, because I’m never here.  And besides, isn’t the whole dynamic “Star of Yesterday, Star of Today, Star of Tomorrow”?  Where would I fit in there?
RO:  Come on, Natich, he just doesn’t get that Evolution has passed him by.
Rock:  No, it hasn’t.  You’re right here.  When you leave, you’ll have passed me by.

Then the Dudleyz run in and 3D Orton.

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Shawn Michaels is backstage with The Rock.

SM:  What the hell?  Maven?  That’s the best Austinberg could round up?  I heard Rock was supposed to be here.  Where’s he?
TR:  You’re looking at him.
SM:: Shut up, Maven.
TR:  Oh, shut up, you roody poo candy ass.
SM:  Rock hasn’t even used that catch phrase for almost a year.
TR:  That’s because I’ve been GONE!
SM:  Whatever.  Try not to get in the way, ok, Mr. Tough Enough?

Austinberg is backstage with Theodore Long, Mark Henry and Rodney Mack.

TL:  Let me holla at you, playa.  Why you be playa hatin’?
AB:  What?
TL:  Why don’t we have a match?
AB:  Oh.  Because instead of your boring crap, we’re gonna put up three minutes of footage of Kevin Nash trying to flip his hair and forgetting it got cut off.
RM:  That sounds cool, dawg.
AB:  Shut it up, whitey.
RM:  Ok.
AB:  Oh, man.  I wish Rock would have showed up.  This show is quickly going awry.
TR:  I’m here, dammit!  I’ve been here for over an hour.
AB:  Go away, Maven, Ol’ Stone man is thinkin’.

RVD shows up.

RVD:  Austinberg, I’m really pissed off.
AB:  Why’s that, RVD?
RVD:  Your vending machine is out of Fritos, and my buzz is gone.
AB:  You mean Austinberg Presents WWE RAW Presents a Vending Machine Backstage?
RVD:  Yeah.  That one.  Out of Fritos.
AB:  Oh.  I’ll call the maintenance guy to come down and fill it up.  I thought you were here about your match with Kane.
RVD:  Nah.  What went wrong there, anyway?  I mean just a few short months ago we were wearing matching belts and playing hours of Hungry Hungry Hippos together, now this.
AB:  I don’t know, man.  I’m too drunk and you’re too high.  This conversation isn’t going to make sense in a few minutes, so why don’t we just leave it at that.
RVD:  Dude.
AB:  Hell yeah.

Here is 3 unedited minutes of Kevin Nash trying to flip his hair and forgetting it got cut off.

My Darling Stacy is backstage telling Test that once you go Matt, you never get fat.  I’m like an Exercycle of love.  Ok.  I’m sorry.  That was disturbing.  Test says that he knows that I’m the coolest, and that he and Stacy should be tag team partners tonight.  Stacy relents.  She may be hot, but that woman has the common sense of a granola bar.

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My Darling Stacy and Test v. Stevie Richards and Victoria

Test acts all nice to try to get on my good side, but once he thinks I’m not watching he grabs Stacy’s ass.  I saw that!  Me and the magical WWE cameras see ALL.  Except where Kane went and what happened to Lance Storm Cubed that one day.  Scott Steiner was going to come out and help Stacy from the (online)onslaught(.com), but he got distracted by a magic bunny, so I had to run out there and stop it, when I hit Stevie with my keyboard and Stacy go the pin.  I’m a regular New Jack, I am.  Unfortunately, I broke my F5 key, so now I’ll never beat Kurt Angle.

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Rock.  Movie.  See it or Christopher Walken will cry.

Actually that’d be kinda cool to watch.  “I am crying.  I should not cry.  I am a successful actor.  Damn you, wrestling fans.  Damn you, Maven.”

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The Evolution v. StoneMan Still Austinberg, Shawn Michaels and The Rock

Every time Rock tries to tag in, Shawn or Still just look at him and laugh and tag in the other partner.  Poor, Rock.  The crowd chants “Maven Sucks”, so Rock leaves and everyone cheers.  Randy Orton tries to get in the match early on, but neither Austinberg or Michaels fall over, so he just frowns and tags back out. 

After a session of beatings from Ric and Triple H, Shawn gets the big tag to Austinberg who is a house afire.  Ow.  After that gets put out, Austinberg hits Orton with the Stunner and wins the match.

AB:  See that?  You’re Next!
HHH:  You beat, Randy Orton.  ANYBODY can beat Randy Orton.  I’ve beaten Randy Orton four times today.
AB:  Uh…wait.  Yeah.  That didn’t prove anything.  Next week then.
HHH:  Well played, Austinberg.  Well played indeed.

Next Week:  Kane tries to buy a used Low Rider car battery from John Cena.  Austinberg and HHH have another dramatic confrontation, this time about whether or not Austinberg’s beer is kosher.  Kevin Nash finally finds some hair he can stroke, unfortunately it’s attached to Terri.  Horror ensues.

Happy Day after Labor Day!  Back to work you lazy asses.

E-MAIL MATT    
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