by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Backstage before RAW:

Vince McMahon:  So…what does everybody think?
Everybody but HHH:  Uh….
HHH:  Great Idea, Vince.
EbHHH:  Yeah.  Right.  Great Idea.
Maven:  You know…I’m still not sure about this.
HHH:  All right, that’s it.  You’re off the show, Rock.
MV:  But Maven can still be on it, right?
HHH:  Who the hell is Maven?
VM:  So it’s settled, tonight RAW is YJStinger!!

(Opening Credits.  Every other Shot is part of a Stacker Two Commercial.  No. No. Big Show, not THAT kind of wrestling!  Wait…Yeah.  THAT kind of wrestling.  Sorry.)

Welcome to YJ Stinger Arena in YJ Stinger, Alabama for this exciting night of subtle product placement.

Kane v. Rob Van Dam
In Spain, in a Cage Made of Chain. In the Rain. With Special Guest Referee: A-Train

Ok, I lied last week.  This isn’t in Spain (it’s in the YJ Stinger Arena!), nor is it in the Rain.  But everything else is the same.  Seeing A-Train here reminds me to shave my back.  It also reminds me that Smackdown needs more Kane.  Wait…Scratch that first part.  Kane throws Rob at the cage wall, and Rob goes straight through.  Those cages are shoddily constructed.  Hell in a Cell always breaks, the Elimination Chamber’s glass always breaks, they should get those ones with the big blue bars back.  Those were fun. Eric Bischoff is in no mood for this cage breaking stuff.  Apparently Rob can’t win the match if he goes THROUGH the cage.  Didn’t Austin do that once?  I expect Austinberg to be PISSED…later.  For now, I’ll just be happy that there’s more Kane.  NEXT.

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The cage is fixed.  Ok.  Having Tommy Dreamer hold the two pieces of the cage together hardly constitutes as fixing it.  Thanks for coming out tonight anyway, Tommy.  Kane is sick of wrestling Rob Van Dam every week, so he just pins him, and Albert counts the pin.  Kane wins!

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RVD is on a stretcher!  Bwahahahahaha!  Another PPV without a Rob Van Dam match!  That just goes to show you kids, smoking doesn’t get you anywhere.  Well…it gets you to the uppermidcard.  But then you job to Kane.

Eric Bischoff is BACK out.  I missed him.  That whole segment…whew.   He says that Kane has finally taken out RVD so now it’s time for him to feud with Shane again.  Then he will feud with RVD AGAIN.  I think the writers are stuck in a loop.  Somebody kick the Gewirtz.  One at a time please.

Now on to the announcers.  FINALLY.  Apparently, we’ll see J.R. & Lawler v. Al Snow & The Coach for the WWE Announcers Title.  Oh, that’s fantastic.  Get them some belts!  Needs more belts.  The winner gets to announce on RAW.  My pick to win:  Mark Lloyd and Howler Monkey.

Oh, and later tonight, Triple H and Austinberg will fight for a can of YJStinger, the catch is that they will have to team up with mystery partners.  I hope it’s Scott Hall and Ralphus.

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Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks and Lance Storm Cubed are backstage….

GS:  And that will make this match interesting.
LSC:  We’re not really sure about this.  Nothing will make a match against Rico interesting.
GS:  Trust me guys.  The WWE will never be the same.
LSC:  Ugh…fine.  Let’s go.

Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda) v. Lance Storm Cubed (w/ Goldust)

Rico wins the battle of the valets, but not by much.  Lance Storms are wearing giant cans with “YJStinger” printed down the side.  The crowd cheers.  Everybody loves…whatever the hell kind of drink YJStinger is.  Rico is so enamored with trying to pull the tab on the top of the can that he misses getting pinned.  Storm wins.  Rico finally pulls the tab and gets a face full of bees.  Bee Careful, Rico.  I’m sorry.  Really, I am.  Jackie tries to climb on top of one of the Storms, and then he disappears.  Where the hell did he go?

Triple H is backstage with Eric Bischoff.   Hunter wants to know who his mystery partner is, but Bischoff won’t tell, otherwise it wouldn’t be a mystery.  HHH suggests Natalie Portman or Eliza Dushku.  Hey, that’s not bad.  Randy Orton is about to suggest himself when PEDIGREE TO ORTON.  I LOVE HHH.  Oops.  I’m supposed to be all smarky and whatnot.  Uh…Down with Your Least Favorite Wrestler Other Than HHH.  Whew, got my audience back

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Trish Stratus and Jacqueline v. Molly Holly and Gail Kim

J.R. gives up on this match, and I envy him this position.  I, however, have to bring the people the news on what happened.  Wait.  So does J.R.  Listen, Ross, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but we’re in this thing together.  If I have to write match results and pay attention, so do you.  Ok? Ok.  Let’s get back to calling the…oops.  I guess the match is over.  They’re playing Victoria’s music, so I guess Victoria won.  Strange.

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The Rock and The Guy Who Drinks Pee are in a movie.  Go watch it or Rock’s Tatoo will eat you.

Here’s Austinberg out from the back to deliver his state of the Austinberg address.  I guess the state of Austinberg doesn’t have any podiums because he spears it.  The production staff spent 15 minutes designing that logo.  Dammit, Austinberg.  Austinberg decides that if HHH is going to lose the World Title, he’d be nice and make it be by DQ or Count Out so that, in truth, nobody is a winner.  That’s sweet of him.  

Chris Tian is out to complain about the lack of him wrestling on this show.  Austinberg thinks that’s too bad, but he’s not done rambling yet.  Chris Tian starts jumping up and down and saying that he’s going to start his own 20 minute long segment and he’s going to call it “Give Me A Fricking Break, I cut my Damned Hair for you”.  That name’s a little lengthy.  Before Austinberg can respond, Chris Jericho comes out to get some face time.  Jericho attacks Christian for trying to steal his idea.  Where’s Rowdy Roddy Piper?  He’s where?  What the hell is TNA?  Is that like WOW?  Ah, never mind.  Jericho tries to say that he’s not pleased with the direction of his character, but they bleep the not.  Ah, clever ruse, Mr. Sound Guy!

AB:  Well, what…WHAT?  Sorry.  Have you tried anything?
CJ:  Well, earlier today I tried to get my name changed to Y2J Stinger so that HHH would think I was his favorite beverage and tell the writers to push me.
AB:  Wouldn’t he try to drink you?
CJ:  I never said there weren’t risks involved, Still.
AB:  Well, how did it turn out?
CJ:  They said that Randy Orton had already come by there and tried it.
AB:  I’m afraid to ask how that turned out.
CJ:  I’d never seen so much blood in my life.  Randy seems to be ok though.  He’s no more stupid than usual.  They just changed his name back, and he’s…still Lame, but fine.

Austinberg offers Jericho a beer for attacking Chris Tian, but Jericho is uneasy.  How can a face and a heel drink together in this crazy mixed up world.  It’s like Romeo and Juliet it is.  Jericho takes a beer and high fives Austinberg who gives him a Stunner.  Well…Like Romeo and Juliet, where Romeo gives Juliet a Stunner at the end of the balcony scene.  Which honestly, wouldn’t have been SO bad.

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OMG!  A Triple H ad.

The ad begins as a boy is posting to a message board.

HHHSuX0rz:  OMG U d00dz, more like Criple H. L0lz

The kid tries to open up a can of Stacker 2 YJStinger, but instead bees come out and try to kill him for daring to question Triple H.  Outside the kid's house, HHH is looking in and planning to Pedigree him for daring to write bad things about him on www.wrestlingornot.com.  However, the kid runs out of the house, away from the bees, so Triple H and his bevy of hookers dressed in green to match his can of YJStinger disappear.  Man, I hate it when HHH teleports like that.  It gives me the creeps.  The kid keeps running and running and Triple H keeps using his transportation to stalk him, until the kid is finally in range to get Pedigreed and then stung to death. Ow.

Then Triple H says, “More like YOU Suck” and drinks the Steriod infused bees, and teleports himself and his color co-ordinated whores back to RAW.

Note To Audience:  See what happens to you if you mess with HHH on the internet?  He stands outside your house and has bees kill you.  Think about THAT when you’re trying to come up with a new, clever nickname for old Humper Hearse Homely.  AH!!  THE BEES!  I’m just kidding.  HHH and I go way back.

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La French Guys, La French Poodle, Rob Conway, Curtis Conway, Mark Henry, Rodney Mack, Rodney Dangerfeild and The Ghost Pirate LeChuck (w/ Theodore Long) v. The Dudley Boyz, The Hardy Boyz, The Duke Boys, The Beastie Boys, The Hurricane and Suga Rosey

Holy crap.  There are way too many people in this match.  La Resistance and Mark Henry make things easier on me by blowing so many spots that only The Dudleyz, Hurricane and Rosie are left to fight them.  That’s funny, you know, because with Jeff in this match, I thought HE’D blow all the spots.  Rosey starts a Conga Line.  Theodore Long says that Bubba is a whitey, and to buhlee-dat playa, causing Bubba to lose his rhythm and fall over.  Mark Henry with the pin!  La French Poodle has set up a table on the outside, which causes Spike to try to jump through it, but he misses.  I can’t believe the German judge only gave him a 3.4.  The splat alone was worth a 4, maybe even a 4.3.  La French Guys put Hurricane through a table in protest.  That was sure a clusterfrick.

Coach and Al are doing their best J.R. and Jerry Lawler trying to win the “Who sounds like an announcer” competition backstage, but Scott Steiner does a mean Gordon Solie.  No seriously, like, Gordon Solie if somebody had just kicked him in the shin.  “Katie, bar the door, because I’m going to get medieval on this punks ass.  Holla if you hear me.”  Funny though, I never noticed Gordon Solie saying “holla if you hear me”.  In any event, somehow this leads to The Dudleyz (w/ the Remnants of Spike) v. Rob Conway and La Resistance Tables Match at Unforgiven.  How, you may ask.  I’m not real sure.  Why don’t we ask Gail Kim?

GK:  I want to have sex with Eric Bischoff.

Maybe we caught Gail at a bad time.  Let’s try Rico.

RC:  I want to have sex with Eric Bischoff.

That Eric Bischoff is one popular guy.  However, I’m quickly losing interest in why this match is happening, so I’ll just leave it all up to the collective imagination of Ric Flair.  Take us away, Naitch.

RF:  The match is happening because I took all their ladies on a ride on Space Mountain, last night, fat boy.  Wooo!

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Terri is standing backstage when HHH fades into view. 

HHH:  AHA!  I finally did it.  I figured out the source of Kane’s fire shooting, Austinberg’s teleportation powers, Undertaker’s no-selling, it’s all right here.  Stacker 2 YJStinger.  Remember, it’ll melt off the fat and bake you a pie, new YJStinger.
TR:  Hi, Triple H.  I was just wondering what you thought of Austinberg.
HHH:  AH!  The YJStinger is causing me to have hallucinations of my own death!  I’ve got to stop drinking bees.  And why do I have a huge rack?
TR:  It’s me.  Terri?
HHH:  Oh, thank, God.  I thought you were a ghostly specter caused by drinking too many of these steroid filled magic bees.  What the hell do you want?
TR:  What do you think about Austinberg?
HHH:  Austinberg?  HA!  More like Hindenburg.  That guy is so full of hot air, and he thinks he’s all cool because “I’m the combination of Steve Austin and Bill Goldberg and I can teleport”, well I’ve got news for you Austinberg, so can I!  And at Unforgiven, I’m gonna teleport my ass next to your face so that you can kiss it.
TR:  Did you just cut a good promo?
HHH:  And another thing, you think you’re so cool, huh?  You ain’t cool until you’ve hung out with Triple Naitch and prostitutes who wear the same colored dresses as your crazy bee drink.
TR:  Um….
HHH:  You’re all hype, Still.  Hype like the hype for this new YJStinger, the greatest drink in the world.  It’ll make you crazygonuts for more. 

Let’s see what else is going on.

Shane McMahon is in Greenwich.  He says “Ow, my balls” a lot, but manages to sneak in some hype for his match against Kane at Unforgiven.  Eric Bischoff comes in (holding a YJStinger, the drink that can teleport even the mightiest of men) and tells Shane that Shane v. Kane will be a Last Man Standing match.  Shane responds by not being able to stand.  Hope you can line up a training montage for next week, Shane-O.

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Molly is backstage with her boobs.  Gail Kim enters.

MH:  Did you get our match?
GK:  Match?
MH:  The one with Trish next week?
GK:  I thought that was THIS week.
MH:  For Petes Sake.  What the hell did you do this whole time?
GK:  Well, I was going to have sex with Eric Bischoff, but he totally disappeared, so I had sex with Rosey, because he’s TOTALLY in a band.
MH:  My life sucks.

You and me both sister.

Scott Steiner v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria, Test, and My Darling Stacy)

When did Stevie get a Stable?  And more importantly, what in the hell does Test think he’s doing wearing THAT shirt with my belt?  Stevie tries going over, but this isn’t Heat, so he’s not having ANY luck.  He should stay on his show.  Test even tries to help him out, but Steiner gets the win anyway, because Stevie just can’t win.  Test gets on the mic and says that at Unforgiven he wants to have a match to make Steiner his valet.  Steiner is excited.  I’m not so much.  I think I’ll stay OUT of this one.  Actually, given that Test is wearing THAT shirt, this may be the only storyline in the entire WWE that makes any sense.

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Coach and Al come out to try to lay a verbal beat down on Lawler and J.R., but Steiner is still out there and he tells everybody to shut-up because “It’s All Bangin’ in Alabama”, ok, I KNOW that wasn’t a Solie catchphrase.  Al and Coach are confused a moment too long and they are sent off the stage and plummet to their doom.

Maybe.

Austinberg is backstage with Terri

AB:  Lalalalala
TR:  Hi.
AB:  AH!  Debra!  I’m sorry.  I forgot to send Puddles to you.
TR:  It’s me Terri.
AB:  Oh, you all look alike.
TR:  Uh…who’s Puddles?
AB:  My pet rock.  Debra won her in the settlement.  Lousy judge.
TR:  A pet rock?  Never mind.  Who is your mystery partner tonight?
AB:  I was kinda hoping it’d be Puddles, but knowing tonight it’ll be Jackie Gayda straddling a can of YJStorm, so whatever.
TR:  What about Triple H saying you’re all hype?
AB:  That’s like the cup of Starbucks calling the Coke caffinated isn’t it?

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Triple H’s video is now spliced in with Y2Jstinger commercial images.  This is just like X-Pac all over again.

Austinberg and Randy Orton v. Triple H and Ric Flair

That’s right.  It was a set up, Austinberg, it was a set-up all along!  Actually, Triple H hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON right away and gets the pinfall victory.  Then, using the powers granted to him by the steroid infused bees of YJStinger, Triple H uses his telekinetic powers to make the cage lower down around he and Austinberg.  WOW!  I have GOT to get me some of this stuff.  Great for parties!  Austinberg can’t spear a Triple H who keeps teleporting, so he gives up and takes a nap.  Triple H celebrates his victory as Raw finishes up.

Next Week: The show needs more Kane as Shane McMahon chases him around backstage in a wheelchair.  Also, Randy Orton tries to dodge a Pedigree by dressing up like Stephanie, but who knew she was into THAT?  Everybody drinks YJStinger and teleports over to Smackdown.

Join me.  If you’d like!

E-MAIL MATT    
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