by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Triple H is walking around backstage in a purple shirt.  Eric Bischoff wanders up.

EB:  Hunter!  Where the hell have you been?  RAW starts in…oh man…2 minutes!
HHH:  Eric!  I’m really lost, man!  Which way to the ring?  I’ve got to do my hot segment, and I’m out of YJStinger!
EB:  Wait…why the hell are you wearing a purple shirt?
HHH:  I dunno…I mean…Naitch liked it…It’ll help me beat Austinberg in my hot segment?
EB:  Whatever.  You can’t do your segment right now.  Jericho is doing HIS segment.
HHH:  What the…errrg…DAMN THAT JERICHO!

(Opening Credits)

Sure enough, Jericho and Chris Tian ARE standing out in the ring.  They’re protesting Austinberg’s reign of terror as both a wrestler and a GM.  Everybody’s got to protest something, I guess.  I’m protesting pistachio nuts.  Austinberg is out to respond to their tirades.

AB:  Hey guys, have you seen that fruity shirt HHH has on?
CJ:  Hehehehe…yeah.  Not even Y2JStinger can save you from poor dressing habits.
CT:  Hey, can I get a match?  Or at least my OWN segment?
AB:  No.  You stupid little cruiserweight.
CT:  Hey!  I’m not a cruiserweight.  I’m just small boned.
CJ:  Yeah.  In more ways than one.  Wait…no…I didn’t just say that.
AB:  You guys are stupid.  Let’s have a match.
CJ:  With you against us?
AB:  Like I said, you guys are stupid.  I’m too important to be facing you two dorks.  We’ll just throw RVD’s corpse out here against Jericho, and the winner actually gets to be on the PPV with Shane, J.R. and Coach.

Rob Van Dam v. Chris Jericho
For a Spot on the PPV

Actually Rob looks fine.  A little TOO fine.  You know, that WWE doctor, Doctor Professional, is amazing.  He’s pulled guys like Kane, HHH and Rob Van Dam from death and made them perfectly fine the next day.  Hell, even Shane isn’t suffering from his Electric Balls Syndrome anymore.  But every time Vince plays his HMO trump card they go off to Papa Shango’s Voodoo Cures and are out for a year.  I’m just saying. 

(ads)

As we come back from the ad break, Rob and Chris are comparing notes on their respective falls from World Title contender to “fighting Christian”.  Christian acts all self righteous and offended and hits both guys with his belt, but really, he knows they’re right.  Austinberg is back out to settle this mess.

AB:  I get it!  You knocked both guys out to make sure that you don’t have a match on Sunday!
CT:  NO!  In fact I’ve said many many many times that I want MORE matches.  I’m tired of the lack of wrestling on this show.
AB:  Right.  Whatever.  I’ve got you figured out.  Well, I’ll show you!  You’re going to fight RVD and Jericho on PPV!
CT:  That’s Grea…I mean…uh…NO!  Don’t do this to me, Austinberg!  I…um…HATE having good matches!
AB:  That’s what I thought.  Haha!  Who’s the smart one now?
CJ:  HHH?

(ads)

A long time ago, Goldberg was relevant.  Remember 1998?  Then.  Here’s a video.

Spike Dudley (w/ The Dudley Boyz) v. Rob Conway (w/ La French Guys)

Spike is being allowed to wrestle with a broken neck, proving even further that Doctor Professional is the best.  They should rent him out.  He could cure AIDS or something.  As it is, The Dudleyz and the French guys fight, while Conway does an eye gouge and pins Spike.  I KNEW that was going to get over as a finisher eventually.  Spike goes through a table.  He does love going through tables, doesn’t he?  Rob Conway’s response to this is by making the “I’m Crapping out a small car” face.  Always a hit with the ladies that.

Al Snow and the Coach are standing around backstage talking about how they’re going to win their match at Unforgiven.  I hope so, because I want to see more of Al’s pimpin’ belt collection.  Eric Bischoff is dressed like a UPS Delivery Guy.  It’s Tough Enough Jessie back to make her bi-monthly cameo appearance!  Al Snow tells her that she was cut and should leave, and she does, crying.  Eric Bischoff storms off to his room, because he doesn’t have a pimpin’ belt.  I hope he changes his shirt.

(ads)

Mae Young and The Fabulous Moolah are in Bischoff’s office and asking him to take off his shirt.  Oh, I agree, but don’t do it when the cameras are rolling.  Moolah wants a match because it’s her birthday.  Is that all it takes?  Hell, my birthday is on a Monday too.  I want a MATCH DAMMIT!  Austinberg is in and has Mae make out with Bischoff.  Mae Young has made out with just about everybody on the WWE roster now, right?

The Fabulous Moolah (w/ Mae Young) v. Victoria

Moolah tells Victoria about the one time that Mae and Mark Henry were together, and offers to show Victoria a tape, and Victoria falls over vomiting.  Moolah wins!  Randy Orton is out, and he curses Moolah for stealing his move.  Then Moolah’s hip gives out and Orton celebrates.  HE is the king of people falling over.

(ads)

Hey, Goldberg used to wrestle at Bike shows.  Remember that?  I miss you WCW, and your crazy ideas.

Lance Storm Squared and Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks v. Thuggin and Buggin’ (w/ Theodore Long)

Both guys claim to be “Thuggin’”, but neither want to be “Buggin’”, buhleedat.  I guess maybe Jackie Gayda ate the other Lance Storm?  Anyway, the Lances decide that being outside the ring and trying out dance moves is more important than being in the match, so Goldust jobs.  Lances get back into the ring to do a dance, but Rikishi’s pyro doesn’t go off, so they just frown and leave.

Evolution is backstage….

RF:  WOOO!  That’s a great shirt, Hunter.
RO:  Yeah.  It’s great.  And…so purple.
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO…nah.  I’m in too good a mood to be annoyed by you Randy.  I’ve got a HOT main event segment booked tonight!  Yeah!
RO:  Whew.  Let’s go buy some drinks.
HHH:  You trying to get me drunk so I don’t do well in my segment tonight?  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RF:  Woo!  That was great.  Let’s go find somebody else to Pedigree.  I hear Dreamer is at the buffet getting fat.
HHH:  Let’s go get Jericho for ruining my segment.
RF:  WOO!

As they wander off, The Rock walks by….

RO:  Maven!  Help!
TR:  Shut up.  Go see my new Movie “The Run Down” a week from Friday.
RO:  Maven…you weren’t in a movie!
TR:  Now, you can just shut up.

Here’s Shawn Michaels to add insult to injury.  Wait…He Superkicks Orton in the head.  I guess he was just there to add injury to injury.  Oh well.  Everybody get on the “Beat Up Randy Orton” train!

This segment made me miss Kevin Nash.  I don’t know why.  He’s done with his movie right?  What, did Chae ask him to go on tour with Diversity Five?  Oh, man.  I’m SO the only one who will get that joke.

(ads)

The Hurricane tells Suga Rosey that they’re going to practice flying.  When Hurricane takes off, Rosey calls his tour bus and has it pull around back.  Unfortunately, his tour bus doesn’t exist and he just stands there for the rest of the show.  Poor Rosey.  I guess your band took off like Diversity Five!  Alright.  Alright.  I’ll stop.  Sigh.

Terri is backstage with Molly Holly and Gail Kim. 

TR:  Girls, what do you have to say about fighting Trish, tonight?
MH:  AH!
TR:  *sigh*  It’s me!  Terri!
MH:  I know!  What the hell have you done to yourself?
GK:  All I know is that Trish doesn’t have anyone to help her no one at all.
TR:  That’s a good thing to know.
MH:  She’s serious.  That’s all she knows.  I think there’s something wrong in there.  You ok, Gail?
GK:  All I know is that Trish doesn’t have anyone to help her no one at all.
MH:  Whatever.

Here’s Eric Bischoff.  Still in that damned shirt.  TAKE IT OFF ALREADY.  I don’t want to envision Eric in UPS Short Shorts, but this isn’t helping any.  He says that Kane and Shane should come out and sign a contract to fight each other.  These never go well.  You know, you never see anybody ELSE signing their contracts.  They should do this for every match.  Make a big deal about the “Funaki/A-Train Contract Signing”.  It’ll be ratings gold!!  Anyway, Kane comes out and signs, and then lights the contract on fire.  Oh, man.  We’ll be here all damned night if he keeps doing this.  Thankfully, they get him another one and he DOESN’T burn this one up.  Shane comes out and signs, and then starts throwing furniture at Kane.  Kane no-sells all the furniture, but can’t no sell Shane’s Super Shane Spear to the Balls.  Shane goes outside and unveils the announce table which he proceeds to put Kane through.

Wait…he unveils the announce table.  At ringside?  While J.R. and Lawler are up on the ramp?  I don’t get it.  Is this the magically teleporting announce table (brought to you by Stacker 2 YJStinger?)  Or not?  Who knows.  Who cares?  Despite the fact that he was in this segment, it needed more Kane.

(ads)

Goldberg once…wrestled the Rock.  Hey!  That’s not from WCW where he was popular.  What gives, WWE?  And if you’re going to show Goldberg highlights, where’s the Austin highlights?

Trish Stratus v. Gail Kim and Molly Holly

Lillian says that this is also a No Holds Barred match, but Lillian is also drunk, so I’ll take whatever she says with a shaker full of salt.  Speaking of being drunk, I wish I was so that I could lose focus and drift in and out of this match.  As it is, I’ll just have to settle for staring at the walls until it’s done.  Hey!  It’s over.  That wasn’t so bad.  Molly wins.  The two girls attack the other girl for a while until Lita runs in and scares them off.  At least she was training with Matt.  Now she’s learned to wrestle a bit.  But she has the annoying habit of listing stupid facts.

Lita Fact:  The carpet doesn’t exactly match the curtains.

Lita Fact:  Jeff calls his best friend “Spots”

See…those aren’t…oh…wait…I get it.  Hehehehe.  Welcome back, Lita.

(ads)

Molly, Gail and Eric are bemoaning the fact that Lita’s on the show.  Eric thinks that he fired her, but he can’t remember back any further than three weeks ago.  Austinberg teleports in with his can of YJStinger, says he hired her and then teleports back out.  Bischoff is saddened.

Coach and Al Snow come down dressed as the Cowboy and the King from the Village People.  You know, I don’t remember “The King” Village person.  Was he the one who replaced the Indian Chief?  J.R. and Lawler have gone mute with envy at the elaborate costumery, so it’s up to Coach and Snow to call this next match.  Hey, THAT’S why that table mysteriously appeared out there.  That makes sense.  Hey!  Nothing on this show is supposed to make sense!

Val Venis v. Test (w/ My Darling Stacy)

Stacy cheers for Val Venis, because she knows that I like porn.  Wait.  Let me rephrase that.  Stacy cheers for Val because she knows I like towels.  Yeah.  I carry one with me where ever I go.  Test tries to go for the win, but he’s distracted by Scott Steiner, who himself is distracted by the fact that there are no Cruiserweights other than Stacy who he will be defended from with his Chainmail +1 v. Cruiserweights.  Test starts to get back into the match, but Stacy throws my towel at him, and he jobs to Val.  See how useful they can be.  Stacy, my towel, and Steiner get out of there before Test threatens to make any of them his man-slaves.  They’ve already got one of those over on Smackdown.

Lawler challenges Snow to a match on behalf of Village Persons everywhere, who are underrepresented in today’s media.  Al accepts because he has no clue what’s going on.

(ads)

Al Snow v. Jerry Lawler

Coach spends the entire match batting at J.R.’s earlobe and saying “Hey, J.R.  How’s your earlobe?”  That is ultimately more entertaining than this match.  Things take a disturbing turn when J.R. says, “Aw shucks, stop it you.  Didn’t you know this is how we court in Oklahoma”, which by the way is true.  Thankfully, Jerry scores the pin, and we’re saved from the possible future of this segment.

Evolution is on it’s way out to talk about Ausitnberg’s splitting.  The man himself materializes in front of him.

RF:  Lo, it is Austinberg of the WWE.  Let us praise his name!
HHH:  No, you idiot, we’re feuding with him.
RF:  Oh.  That’s right.  You’re a dumbie, Austinberg.  WOOO!
AB:  I’m stung, Ric.  Just like I’m stung by new YJStinger!
HHH:  Damn you, Austinberg.  I know you removed all the YJStinger from my car, my locker AND Austinberg Presents WWE RAW Presents a vending Machine Back Stage.
AB:  That’s right.  Anyway, have a fun time.
HHH:  Oh, I will.  This will be one hot segment.  Or it would have had that bastard Jericho not screwed it up.
AB:  Nice shirt.
HHH:  Thanks.  It’s “Plum”.
RO:  More like “Stupid Purple”.
HHH:  Randy…don’t make me do it.
RO:  I’ll be good.

(ads)

Triple H comes out with a Giant Picture Frame covered by a drape.  The frame falls over, but he picks it back up.

HHH:  Welcome to my really hot segment!  This will make your night, folks.  I’m the best world champ ever, and I’m here to prove it.  If this doesn’t draw a 6.0 rating, I’m blaming Tommy Dreamer, because only his fat ass could ruin a segment this hot!  Ok, first I’m going to…

HHH’s mic dies.  He gets another one and it dies.  He gets a third, no dice.  Jimmy Hart hands him a megaphone.

HHH:  Ok.  Nothings going to stop me now.  Not even stupid Chris Jericho who is jobbing to Ivory on Heat before the PPV on Sunday.  First, I’m going to show you the REAL Austinberg, which I’ve got a picture of right here under this drape….

HHH reveals the frame which is actually a Giant Etch-a-Sketch which is clear.

HHH:  Aw man!  It must have erased when it tipped over.  Crap.  Triple Naitch worked for 12 hours to make that little stick guy that said, “I suck”.  Ok.  Guys, pretend there’s a little stick guy here, and he’s saying “I suck”.  Ok.  THAT’S AUSTINBERG.  Oh, man.  This segment is going so well, I’m just going to walk over here and…OW!

Oh, no!  HHH tore his quad!

HHH:  It’s ok.  I’m THE GAME, I can work through this.  Ok.  Hot segment.  Ow.  Totally hot.

Austinberg appears on the TitanTron.

AB:  Uh…What’s going on out there?
HHH:  I’m having a hot segment.
AB:  You think that’s going to draw ratings?  An empty Etch-A-Sketch, a Megaphone and an injury?
HHH:  You wouldn’t know a hot segment if it bit you in the ass.
AB:  I bet I would.  Besides, the fans are tired of you.  Tired of you screwing all your opponents.  Jericho, Kane, RVD, Scott Steiner, Shawn Michaels, Booker T, Kevin Nash….
HHH:  Hey now….
AB:  You even screw your friends.  “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, Flair, Orton. 
HHH:  Well….
AB:  And you screw cartoon characters.  Smarty Smurf, Grumpy Bear, Felix the Cat….
RO:  Actually, that last one was me too.
AB:  …
RF:  …
HHH:  …
RF:  Uh…I…um…took your old…screw it.  I can’t do it.
HHH:  You made Flair botch his catchphrase!  MIND PEDIGREE TO ORTON.

Orton falls over.

RF:  Itookyouroldladyonarideonspacemountainfatboy-MEANBYGAWDGENE

NATUREBOYSIXTEENTIMESWORLDHEAVWEIGHT-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AB:  How did you do that?
RF:  One big long breath and a popped artery in my brain.  Ow.
AB:  I meant HHH.
HHH:  I’ve trained him to Pedigree himself on command now.
AB:  Neat.  Uh…hey, should we be building up to our match at Unforgiven?
VM:  We ran out of time about 20 minutes ago.  They’re already up to the questioning of the homeless people on CSI.  The whole audience left about 10 minutes ago.
HHH:  They missed my hot segment!
RF:  Somebody call the Nature Boy a stretch ambulance, I’ve got to style and profile my way to the Emergency room.

Sunday Night!:  The Women have a match that I will likely ignore so that I can read the food facts on the back of these cookies, Corn Starch wins!  Kane and Shane will have a match that J.R. will have so much trouble with that he’ll force himself to job to Coach just so he doesn’t have to call it.  And Austinberg will walk away the World Heavyweight Champion…of Losing, after he jobs to HHH.

See you then!

E-MAIL MATT    
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