by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Monday:  Triple H’s Hot Segment was ruined by Chris Jericho, and…well…the fact that nobody cared.  J.R. and Jerry Lawler continued to hold down Coach and Al Snow.  And Shane McMahon and Kane decided to sign away their souls for a fish sandwich.  Hey, that doesn’t sound right…

We welcome you LIVE to Giants Stadium in Hershey Candy, Pennsylvania…ok, hold on a second.  Isn’t Giants Stadium in New Jersey?  Mmm…Candy.  Anyway, it’s time for Austinberg and Bischoff present WWE RAW Presents Stacker 2 YJStinger (“Now With Extra Vitamin Bee) Presents WWE FUNFORGIVEN!!

The Dudley Boyz v. La Resistance and Rob Conway
A Handicap Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles…I guess

Apparently, Spike put himself through a table backstage, so he’s out of this one.  Austinberg made this for the WWE Tag Team Titles, because everybody hates La Resistance.  Especially The Dudley Boyz, not because they’re French, Anti-American, or hurt Spike, but because they’re stupid looking.  There, I said it.  La French Guys, you are really stupid looking.  Man, that feels good.  I could do this all night long.  But I won’t.  It would take away from this AWESOME MATCH!  Actually, it’d probably be more entertaining than this match.  D-Von jumps through a table to end my pain, but for some reason the rest of the guys keep wrestling.  Alas, poor D-Von, your act was in vain.  One of La French Guys (the “More French One”) gets taken though a table by Bubba, and suddenly Bubba is a House of Pain.  Jump Around.  Conway tries to jump around, but he blows his spot and falls through a table.  I changed my mind.  This is an AWESOME MATCH, but not for any of right reasons.  Bubba and Les French Guy are the only ones left.  Bubba whispers that Vince is planning to ship these guys to NWA-TNA to be Christopher Daniels’ alter boys after this match, and Rene starts crying.  That’s just the opening the Dudleyz need to hit him with a 3D through the table.  Lesson Learned:  Don’t cry during a Dudleyz match.

Test (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Scott Steiner
For the “Services” of Scott Steiner

This is the first time these two have met on PPV without me involved.  I’m represented tonight by my darling Stacy, who is there to ensure that my prediction goes as planned.  And to get a hefty chunk of that buyrate cash.  Steiner dominates the match early on because he’s big and strong.  Then Test realizes that he too, is big and strong, and he takes over.  There’s a whole lot of big and strong goin’ on in here.  This beats out Flair/Steamboat in terms of big strong guys.  Test goes for a boot late in the match, but ends up being stopped by Scott Steiner’s “Sad Gaze” attack.  Steiner knows ALL the tricks of the WWE Backstage RPG.  Stacy, however, makes her saving throw and hits Steiner with a chair!  My will be done!!  She pushes Test over onto Steiner.  Test wins!

Backstage, Maven and Vince McMahon are arguing.

MV:  But I’m supposed to run in on the next match!
VM:  I told you, Rock, that’s MONDAY night.
MV:  I’m Maven.  M-a-v-e-n.  I’m involved in this feud.
VM:  Oh, I don’t believe that.  Maven is a big jobber.  I wouldn’t let him run in on ANY PPV matches.
MV:  Did you notice that our initials in this segment, when switched are the same?  With just a quick switch of letters I could become you.
VM:  I’m not RT.  Who would that be anyway?  Ray Traylor? 
BBM:  You called for me boss?  Oh, hey, Rock.
MV:  This sucks.

Shawn Michaels v. Randy Orton (w/ Ric Flair)

Michaels says a little prayer upon entry to the ring.  It’s all for naught, Shawn, HHH doesn’t wrestle until later in the show, and besides, he’s too busy to take requests right now.  Randy stands in one corner waiting for Shawn to fall over, so Shawn is left to run through all his signature spots by himself while Flair struts around the outside of the ring chopping random security personnel and telling Howard Finkel about the time he took his old lady on a ride on Space Mountain.  Flip up in the corner!!  Elbow Drop…misses!  Kip Up!  Body Block outside…misses!!  Michaels back in!  Sadly, Shawn Michaels wrestling himself is the best wrestling I’ve seen this week.  Shawn goes for the headlock, and really works it in.  The air is gasping for breath.  Randy goes to check on Flair, and he gets caught with the Super Kick!  Shawn accidentally Super Kicked Randy Orton!!  Shawn isn’t sure what to do, so he goes for the pin.  Shawn Michaels wins!  But wait, Triple Naitch is in the ring and reminding Smackdown Referee Golddust Sparks that that’s not the scripted finish!  What a dastardly heel tactic!  Goldust wakes Orton up and restarts the match, at which point, an exhausted Shawn Michaels, who has given it his all for 3-4 grueling minutes, falls over.  Flair shrugs and hands Orton the brass knuckles.  Orton uses them to accentuate his manhood.  Here’s the pin!  Orton wins!  Match of the Year Candidate in 1994, easily.  Orton celebrates when suddenly, Goldust wipes off his paint.  It’s actually HHH in drag!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Chris Jericho is backstage with La French Guys….

RC:  Look at me!  Why am I not over?  I can make this face that looks like I’m crapping a family sedan.  Watch.  Grrrrrrr….
CJ:  I’m really not sure, Rob.  That’s one…face you’ve got there.
SG:  Speaking of Faces, I heard you were turning face.  What’s the deal with that?
CJ:  I’m not sure, really.  I think they’re making this story up as we go.
SG:  As long as it doesn’t end up with you humping HHH’s dog, right?
CJ:  Shhh…don’t SAY that.  Oh, great.  The camera’s here.  They got that on tape.
RD:  Oon-hunn-hunn.  I am le French guy.  Americans are ze pigs!
CJ:  Dude.  Seriously.  Shut up.
RC:  Grrrrrr…Oh crap.  Ow..ow..ow….
CJ:  You actually just crapped out a Ford Taurus.  I have a feeling this is the work of Austinberg and his damned Y2JStinger.  Quick!  To the Jerimobile!
SG:  The what?
CJ:  Uh…we’ll just take this Taurus.  You don’t mind, do you, Rob?
RC:  No, I’m cool.  I think I feel a minivan coming though, you’d better hurry.  Grrrr….

Molly Holly and Gail Kim v. Trish Stratus and Lita Version 1.

Lita Fact:  My tattoo attracts the wrong type of men.
Lita Fact:  A-Train, seriously.  Quit writing poetry about me.

Isn’t love grand?  All right! I paid for this match!  It should be able to keep my attention right.  Especially if Lita keeps landing on her head like she does about 75 times during this match.  Alas, I, much like the honorable Dave Meltzer, must pick a match to fall asleep during, and this seems to be a good a choice as any.  Wait…never mind.  Lita is loading up the red mist.  This match might go well after all!  Wait.  Is that blood?  Oh.  More people should bust open Randy Orton like that.  I’m just saying.  Hey, did Lita just win this match?  She did.  Dammit.  There goes my PPV winning streak and all my money in Vegas.  Now I’ll never be able to afford to buy Lita a sense of personal style.

I hope some day to get my hands on some A-Train poetry.

Kane v. Shane McMahon
Last Man Standing Match

Randy Orton should be in one of these, because he’d always win.  Because his move is making people fall over.  Shane is still having trouble standing, so he’s tied his legs to Big Show.  Well, whatever works.  Shane tries for the Van Terminator early on, but Big Show’s fat ass breaks through the ring 2 1/2 inches from the turnbuckles!  Oh no!  Show is out cold!  Fortunately, Shane has a back up plan.  He punches Kane in the balls!  What a genius!  If Shane can injure Kane’s balls just as much as RVD injured Shane’s balls, there’d be a whole lot of injured balls in the ring.  Uh…and also Kane would have trouble standing.  However, Kane is stupid, and instead of just taking two steps backwards where Shane can’t reach him, he picks Shane up, unties him and sets him down on the mat.  Shane stands up!  He’s been faking it this whole time!  He was wearing rubber underwear when RVD zapped him in the balls (don’t ask…no SERIOUSLY…I did and I’ll never look at AA Batteries the same again).  SUPER SHANE SPEAR!  Kane is reeling.  They battle out to the entryway, where Shane goes up to the top of the Titantron.  What the hell kind of move is he going for?  Apparently Shane doesn’t know either, as he just kind of flops off.  Kane steps to the left.  There needed to be more Kane where Shane lands.  Shane goes through the Arena floor and into the boiler room.  He is no longer standing.  Kane wins.  They crane Big Show out and fill the hole in the ring with pillows.  So soft and luxurious.

Austinberg is admiring his vending Machine when Jericho and La Resistance pull up in the Jerimobile….

CJ:  Have you seen my segments tonight.
AB:  I think you humping HHH’s dog will be great for ratings.
CJ:  Uh…that was Christian.
AB:  Oh.  Really?  Ok.  What did YOU say then?
CJ:  I blamed all the WWE’s current woes on you and your infectious Y2JStinger.
AB:  Oh.  That?  Yeah.  I saw that.
CJ:  Well?
AB:  It wasn’t your best promo.  C…B- at best.
CJ:  Aren’t you going to start making some changes around here?
AB:  Yeah.  That big hole in the stage has GOT to go.  It looks tacky.
CJ:  I hate you.
AB:  Buck up kiddo, maybe you’ll win the Intercontinental Title. 

Chris Tian v. Rob Van Dam v. Chris Jericho
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Jericho and Christian start things off, mostly because RVD is passed out in pillow corner.  About halfway through the match, RVD wakes up.

RVD:  Dude…What’s going on in this dream world….
CJ:  Uh…Rob…we’re in the middle of an IC title match at WWE Funforgiven.
RVD:  Woah.  No way!  What day is it?!
CT:  Sunday…September 21^st.
RVD:  Oh no!  Did I miss HHH’s bachelor party?
CT:  Yeah.  He was pretty pissed off, Rob.
RVD:  Dude.  I totally must have overslept.
CJ:  Uh…since Thursday?
RVD:  Totally.  Oh, man.  This is the worst day ever.  I bought him a present and everything.
CJ:  That’s just a melted block of cheese.
RVD:  It wasn’t melted on Thursday, I swear.
CT:  And you had that in your singlet why?
RVD:  Don’t you guys wear your ring gear wherever you go?  I keep everything in my singlet!
CJ:  You’re stupid, Rob.
CT:  Oh, let him be, Chris.  You didn’t show up either.
CJ:  My wife was having a baby.
CT:  Whatever, dude.
RVD:  Hey, anybody want to play Travel Yahtzee?

Chris Tian won after he rolled a Large Straight beating out Jericho and Van Dam who had already eliminated that category in the futile search for a Yahtzee.  Christian retains!

Mark Lloyd is backstage with HHH.

ML:  What the hell is going on around here anyway?
HHH:  That’s a good question.  Jericho’s been in seven or eight mediocre segments and now I’m only just now getting my hot segment?
ML:  So, what did you want to talk about?
HHH:  Hey, everybody, just like you’re now feeling the sting of my favorite bee based sport’s drink Stacker 2 YJStinger, you will soon feel the sting of ME!  In my new Movie Blade III:  It’s Bladetastic.  It stars me as a vampire who….
ML:  Don’t you want to talk about your match with Austinberg?
HHH:  I was getting to that part.  Anyway, it stars me as a vampire who, in addition to killing off Wesley Snipes, also kills Austinberg.  Ebert gave it two thumbs up.
ML:  You haven’t even started filming it yet.
HHH:  Uh…yeah I did.  Yesterday.
ML:  And it’s already done?
HHH:  Hollywood works fast these days.  Next question.
ML:  Uh…Austinberg.  What’s up with that?
HHH:  It’s just like in WCW.  Except I don’t believe in WCW, because that means I’d have to believe in Terra Ryzing and I’m just not ready to accept that.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler v. Jonathan Coachman and Al Snow
For the WWE RAW Tag Team Announcer Championship

Wow, these sure are announcers.  That fact doesn’t bother me NEARLY as much as the fact that Mark Lloyd, Jacqueline and Terri are up in the booth calling the action.  Here’s a snippet:

ML:  Remember to watch RAW every Monday night on Spike TV.  Here’s a clip.
TR:  Hi everybody.  This is a great match.  Isn’t it, Mark Lloyd?
ML:  …
JQ:  AAH!  Oh, you scarred me.  Never mind, him, suga.  I’m with you.  This is the greatest match ever.
TR:  Darn right, Jackie.  It’s too bad I can’t tell who’s who.
JQ:  The fat one is J.R. and the brother is Coach that’s all I can tell.
TR:  Do you think this dress makes me look fat, Mark?
ML:  …
JQ:  Hunny, you look as good as this five stars match right here.  Instant classic!
TR:  Thanks.  I think I’m still going to get some work done though.
ML:  All right, we’re back.  That was a great clip from a great show!  RAW every Monday at 10/9 Central.

Will somebody rewind Mark Lloyd?  Anyway, things start to get rough for Coach, Al, and the viewing audience when J.R. tags in and starts skewering everything that moves with a pair of tongs.  He’s a house afire.  Then Chris Jericho runs out and takes away his cowboy hat.  J.R. is distraught!  “Where’d it go?” J.R. asks.  Coach rolls him up and gets the win.  Crazygonuts action!

Mark Lloyd is rewound and ready to chat with Chris Jericho!

ML:  What’s the deal with you tonight?  You’ve been in every other segment.  Sometimes two!
CJ:  It’s the only way I’m getting over, man.  Gotta keep living the dream.
ML:  But isn’t Austinberg going to be upset?
CJ:  I sure hope so, because a feud with him would be great after he wins the world title.
ML:  I guess.  Hey, wait…does this mean you’re staying heel?
CJ:  Hell if I know.  Hey, I’ve got to get back to the Jerimobile so that La French guys and I can drive to RAW.  Later, ass clown. 

Back to the announce position for J.R. and King…

JR:  Well this sucks.  We’re going to be relegated to Heat.
JL:  That’s not so bad, we can just record our parts at home.  We won’t even have to GO to the arena.
JR:  I know King, but there’s only so many times a man can call a Stevie Richards/Val Venis match before he starts to go crazy, you know?
JL:  Oh, geez.  I just realized that we’re going to see Spike Dudley and Tommy Dreamer ever week now.  Damn you, Jericho!
JR:  Well, whatever.  We’ve got one match left to call, so let’s just get to it.
JQ:  We’re still here to help, baby.  You had a five star classic out there!
JR:  No.  Go away.  This is a world title match.
TR:  King, do these boobs look to small for you?  I could probably stretch my skin another cup size before it splits.
JL:  Puppies!

Stone Man Still Austinberg v. Triple H
For The WWE World Title or Austinberg’s Cohesion Depending on Who You Are.  If HHH Does Anything Remotely Resembling Holding Down, He Loses the Title

HHH has to try very hard not to hold down the camera crew on his way to the ring, but he gets there without incident.  Austinberg enters with much fan fair.  Hey!  If everybody is at the fan fair, nobody can watch the match.  Get back here guys!  Goldberg tries a Fujiwara arm bar to start things out, but HHH bails.  Oh!  Springboard Inverse Corkscrew Plancha to the floor by Austinberg!  Back in the ring they go, and they lock up!  HHH with a Dragon Sleeper, Goldberg tries to counter with an Osaka Street Cutter, but HHH hits Emerald Fusion on the way back down.  Burning Space Tiger Drop by HHH.  Austinberg is in trouble, but he’s able to hit a Tiger Driver ’91 to slow things down.  That’s awfully close to a Pedigree, you better watch yourself, Austinberg.  HHH is getting angry, so he calls his bee assistants to him and teleports the sledgehammer into his hand.

Austinberg no sells two sledgehammer shots to the face, and then eats the sledgehammer.  It was a Hershey Chocolate Hammer!  The bees are working for Austinberg!  They tricked HHH!  A mat based sequence follows, but it’s short lived as soon Austinberg hit the Spear-Jackhammer-Stunner-Pin Combo that makes him a favorite among the lady fans.  WE HAVE A NEW WORLD CHAMPION!!  The Austinberg Era has arrived…uh…again!

Tomorrow:  Will Coach and Al Snow be able to figure out any of RAW’s Storyline?  I know I can’t!  Who will HHH trust now that even the bees are after him?  Will Jericho be the first challenger for Austinberg or will it be Kane?

SM:  Ow.
MF:  Shane?  Is that you?
SM:  Mick?  What the hell are you doing here…in the boiler room…rocking back and forth?
MF:  Oh, well, I stopped by to thank you guys for getting me on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, and then I saw the boiler room door, and I figured…what the hell.
SM:  A little help?
k dead.
SM:  I’m half Zombie, I’m ok.  I just fell off the top of the Titan Tron and through the floor.
MF:  Oh.  Hey, are you trying to show me up?
SM:  No, I’m trying to get out of this huge hole in the floor.
MF:  Oh.  Hey, I was hoping to find some old friends around here.  Where are Paul Bearer and the Undertaker, man?
SM:  Mick, Paul got fired last year and Undertaker is on Smackdown, and you haven’t hung out in a boiler room for years.
MF:  Say, if I try to help you, British Bulldog isn’t going to attack me with a clangy pipe is he?
SM:  I’m pretty sure the answer is no, seeing how he’s dead.
MF:  That never stopped him before.  He’s a tricky one.
SM:  Mick.
MF:  Yeah, Shane-O?
SM:  Knock me out until the medical personnel get here.

Mick hits a Double Arm DDT on Shane.

KN:  What’s his deal?
MF:  I dunno.  Guess he doesn’t like boiler rooms.
KN:  He was the one who came down here.
MF:  I know.  I know.
KN:  Do that sock thing.
MF:  Socko!
KN:  That’s awesome.  This is the best PPV ever!

E-MAIL MATT    
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