by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

CJ:  I can’t believe it.
EB:  Can’t believe what, Chris?
CJ:  I’m in every segment and the bastard didn’t even mention me ONCE in the teaser.
EB:  Is that a teaser?  It’s more of a montage, I’d think.
CJ:  Well….
EB:  Besides!  You were one of the things getting speared.
CJ:  That’s some comfort.
EB:  Maybe it’s a medley….
CJ:  I guess.  It really doesn’t promote anything but last week’s show…but still…
AB:  What?
EB:  AH!  Don’t teleport up on me like that.
AB:  Why not?
CJ:  I heard The Board of Directors are gonna make you split tonight.
AB:  Yeah…but it’s only for one night, and I’m still gonna kick your ass.
CJ:  Whatever…Steve and Bill.
AB:  ARG!
EB:  Here’s a can of YJ Stinger, let’s see if these bees can’t get you apart!

(Opening credits)

Lilian Garcia starts us off by welcoming Al Snow and Bret Favre to the show, but they’re still in shock about what just happened!  Austinberg split?  Never!!  Wait…doesn’t Bret have a game to play?  And since when is he black?  And just who are these Board of Directors anyway?  If this angle doesn’t end with HHH, Hillbilly Jim, The Bushwhackers, and Jimmy Hart sitting around a table, I’m going to be pissed.

HHH:  So, about splitting Austinberg….
HJ:  Shucks, that doesn’t sound very kindly.
Luke:  Aiyeeeeee!
Butch:  Aiyoooooo!
JH:  HHH!  Wait ‘til you hear this new theme I wrote for you!  I did it in this cool new format that all the kids are talking about!
HHH:  Jimmy…that’s just a midi file of my current music!
Luke:  Midi file?  Say…isn’t that a computer term?
Butch:  Indubitably.  I’d say that Mister H here has accessed the internet lately.
Luke:  But wouldn’t that make him a pimply 13 year old?
Butch:  Oh, quite so.
HHH:  I’ve been exposed!  I love writing hate mail to myself!  I can’t take it any more!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
HJ:  Who wants victuals?  I made a whole pot out of these Best of Albert DVDs we never sold.

Oh!  Me!  Me!

Wait…Jericho and Eric are out in the ring.  That’s impressive of them.  They call out Austinberg to make his big split on national TV.  Jericho is holding a sign that says “I guess you couldn’t get tickets to the football game”.  You either, eh, Chris?  But first, it’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho’s special guest Jim Ross!  And here is J.R. looking like as rolly and as polly as ever.  Bischoff mentions that J.R. and Coach’s match will be a “Country Whippin’” match.  Isn’t country whippin’ what you put on your victuals?  Mmm….  J.R. responds by saying that it sucks that he’s in a country whippin’ match, because his doctor told him that whippin’ was bad for his health.

CJ:  You know what ELSE is bad for your health?
JR:  What?
CJ:  Me kicking your ass.
JR:  Yeah…I guess it would be.
CJ:  Yeah.  So there you go.
JR:  I’ll be aware of that.

Making the save is STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN who, by the power of the bees, jumps right out of Goldberg’s skin to come rescue his best buddy from being in this terrible segment any longer.  Once Al is out of there, he starts stunnering pieces of the Hightlight Reel set.  Local Indy Workers come out to put a stop to this.

EB:  Ha!  What’s STEVE AUSTIN, going to do against the power of my Local Indy Workers?
SA:  Uh…I don’t really know.  Stand here, I guess?
EB:  You’re nothing without your powers, Austin.  You can’t even hurt two guys who job to King Kong Bundy for a living.
LIW1:  Hey!  That was just once.  Oh.  Wait.  73 times.
SA:  Hey, who do you work for?
LIW2:  Your local Chicago Indy, Cheap pop! (he gets none)
SA:  So, not the WWE?
LIW2:  We wish!  I’d even clean out Rosey’s underwear.  But…sadly, no.

Austin stunners both guys!  Austin is on fire!  Put it out, put it out!  Must be one of the after effects of splitting with Goldberg.

(ads)

Austin has to stand outside now.  That’s sad.

ScoTest Stest (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

I guess Steiner and Test are doing what I’ve told them to do all along.  Wearing black.  It’s slimming.  Plus, they make a pretty ok tag team.  Not in this match, however, as Steiner and Stacy CHEAT TO LOSE, by botching all of Test’s two spots over and over and over again.  Test finally gets the message and takes the 3-D for the loss.  Losers abound!  Hey, the Dudz are just happy they finally got to defend the titles again.  By the way, this is their 543^rd reign.  One more and they get a free trip to the salad bar at Sizzler.  After the match, Steiner grabs Stacy by her Darling Tie and powerslams her.  HEY!  Lay off, Captain Sh…oh…I can’t stay mad at Steiner.  He just looks so sad with those little droopy eyes.  But still, beating up my girlfriend because you cost yourself the match is just wrong dude.  Test doesn’t seem to think so.  I think he’s just happy that he won’t have to feud with Steiner anymore now that they’re both heels.

(ads)

Here’s Kane out to do some…talking.  Maybe he’ll be disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show.  He’s sorry that Shane got jam all over him, pushed through a wall, and urine splashed down his shirt, but to make it up to him, Kane bought Shane a present.  It’s The Hurricane!

TH:  I don’t think so, Kane!
KN:  Why not?
TH:  You can’t just sell people in to slavery like this!
KN:  It worked with Steiner.  And Big Show.  Remember when he got sold to Smackdown for a pop tart and a rusty bike wheel?
TH:  OF course I do, because my hair is green…the color of CONTINUITY!
KN:  AH!  IT BURNS!  I’m sorry I couldn’t beat Bret Hart, Jerry!
TH:  It doesn’t go THAT far back.
KN:  Oh.
TH:  But it does go back to one year ago!  When you and I were the HurriKanes, fighting crime and eating cookies for justice and truth.
KN:  Weren’t you only my tag partner, like, once?
TH:  Well…we won the titles….
KN:  What is it with me and stupid little side kicks?  You don’t smoke do you, because that would just seal the deal.  How about you kid, do you want to be my partner?
Kid:  No.  Your workrate sucks!  DUD!
KN:  That’s it!

And Kane makes for the kid like Eddie Guererro in Canada.  But suddenly he’s entranced by the soothing sound of Suga Rosey’s latest hit “Don’t beat Kids, it’s not Cool”.  Kane apologizes to everybody and then lights Rosey on fire.

(ads)

Backstage:

MH:  Anybody?
KN:  Anybody.  I need a present for Shane.

What was THAT about?

Maven, Mark Jindrak, and Garrison Cade are backstage doing some product placement.  I mean playing a game.  Maven notes that he’s the only one of them who’s actually in the game, causing Jindrak to point out that that’s so Hollywood of Mr. Box Office to say.  Maven starts to give his witty come back when he’s interrupted by La Resistance.

SG:  What the hell?  Don’t we have a match?  Now?
MJ: One more minute, dude.  I’m playing as HHH.  It’s like I’m actually getting pushed!
GC:  Yeah, it’s funny.  Every time I try to pin him, the game locks up, and then the screen just changes to HHH posing.
RD:  Ung Hunn Hunn, In France, you don’t play the game, the Game, she plays you.
HHH:  Who you callin’ she?
MV:  AH!  RUN!
HHH:  Yeah, you’d better run, Rock.  My movie’s going to crush yours.  What the hell are you still doing here?
RC:  I can’t move until this Caravan passes.
HHH:  Oh.  Hey, what’s this?  It’s a little me.  Hey there me!  Wow…it’s so real…it’s like I’m getting pushed….

Maven, Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade v. La Resistance and Rob Conway

Maven, Mark and Garrison way seven hundred and … pounds.  Thanks for the info, Lillian.  Rob is a bit late coming out for this match, but when he does, he does it Eddie Guererro style.  So THAT’S where they’ve been getting all these low riders.  Just feed him some M&Ms and you’ve got color!  If I would say one word about this match it would be “dropkick”.  It’s Dropkickapalooza 2003, and each kick is droppier than the last.  If I were the kind to give out star ratings, I’d give this match dropkick stars.

(ads)

Austin is still outside.

SA:  Don’t you know who I am?
LIW1:  You’re Steve Austin.
SA:  So let me in!
LIW2:  I dunno, you’re no Austinberg.
SA:  I know…I know…It pains me so.
RVD:  Dude, I totally know the feeling.  It’s like every out of body experience I’ve ever had, only you’re still totally in your body, but you’re not in your real body, you’re just in this body that is constructed for you by popular culture.
SA:  What the hell are you doing out here?
RVD:  What’s today’s date?  THE DATE?!
SA:  Geez, I dunno the 29^th.
RVD:  What year?
SA:  2003.
RVD:  Good, the professor got me back just in time.  I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got to go get the bag of Fritos before they grow stale.  Say, you look different, did you do something with your hair?  Oh, dude, I gotta go!
SA:  What?
JH:  Hi.
SA:  Who the hell are you?
JH:  John Hnnrnnr
SA:  What?
JH:  John Hnnrnnr.
SA:  What?
JH:  I know.  It’s my name.  What can you do?
SA:  What do you want?
JH:  I came to see Austinberg, but I see that I’m too late.  Damn.
SA:  Want to beat up some Indy Workers to ease your pain?
JH:  Do I!

HHH is backstage….

HHH:  All right!  I win again!
Tough Enough Jessie:  Uh…Hunter?
HHH:  What?
TEJ:  You’re on.
HHH:  Oh…Uh…Now that Goldberg and Austin are split, I though it’d be a fun game to see how many fans I could get to attack Goldberg.  I’ll give each fan that does it a shiny new nickel from this comically heavy briefcase.  If you end his career, Bret Hart will send you a signed copy of “Wrestling With Shadows”.  Now, back to my game!

J.R. is backstage considering the offer.  That’s five pieces of penny candy, J.R….

(ads)

Jonathan Coachman v. Jim Ross
A Country Whippin’ Match

The rules, as Lillian dutifully explains are that the first person to dip and eat an entire rack of ribs in Country Whippin’ wins the match.  Chris Jericho is out to officiate.  Al Snow is taking a pee break, and Bret Farve went to go start the second half, so we’re left with these two guys….

Statler:  What the hell is this?  Where are the penguins?
Waldorf:  There they are!
SL:  No, no.  That’s Motorhead.
WD:  What are they doin’ all dressed up?
SL:  I guess they’re getting ready for HHH’s wedding!

(laugh track)

SL:  So, what are we here for anyway?
WD:  Wrestling, you idiot!
SL:  Wrestling?  Then why are we at RAW?!

(laugh track)

SL:  The last time I saw a match this good, was at the start of Flair’s career!
WD: Against Dusty Rhodes?
SL:  No, against Goliath!

(laugh track)

SL:  Look at that fat guy eat!
WD:  You’re supposed to be watching the match, not the crowd.

(laugh track)

Uh…Lawler won.  Huh?

Jericho is pissed that everyone is still ignoring him.  Maybe he should shave his head.  People with shaved heads get TONS of attention on this show.  Austin runs out and starts drinking beer and everyone cheers.  See?

(ads)

Terri is out (AH!) to introduce Lita Version 1.  Lita Fact:  Matt Hardy owns more thongs than Lita.  Lita Fact:  Jeff Hardy owns more thongs than Matt or Lita combined.  So now that she has her name on a book, is she “Amy” Lita “Dumas” now?  Gail Kim and Molly Holly are out to double team Lita.  I’m gonna just let that one sit there for a minute.  Ok.  They’re mad because they don’t have books or DVDs.  Oh yeah.  Molly Holly’s “Macho Man:  The True Story of How Three Girls Revived a Career” and Gail’s “WWE’s Greatest Blown Spots” will be best sellers for sure.  Trish is out to make the save and promote HER new merchandise, but Victoria is out to stop her.  Victoria is wearing…uh…pieces of something.  Why won’t Terri make the save?

(ad)

Kane v. The Hurricane
In a No Roseys Please Match

That stip seems to be kind of limiting, doesn’t it?  Kane can’t be bothered with this whole thing, as he’s waiting for a package to arrive.  Too bad Bischoff isn’t wearing his UPS shirt this week!  Kane wins.  Needed a little more ‘Cane.  That was a clever pun, me.

Mark Lloyd asks Goldberg if he wants to see some exciting clips from a week old RAW, and Goldberg spears Mark Lloyd.  Austinberg or not, some things never change.  Goldberg wonders if Shawn Michaels might want a shiny new nickel to put in the offering plate.  Stevie Richards does so that he can finish buying Victoria the rest of that jumpsuit, but Goldberg deftly dodges the dufus.

(ads)

Goldberg and Shawn Michaels v. Ric Flair and Randy Orton

Flair mocks Goldberg by saying that he took Steve Austin on a ride on Space Mountain last Night fat boy, WOOOO!  Then he realizes what he just said and tags out.  Orton and Flair are wearing alternating purple and black trunks.  The Evolution is SO color coordinated.  I hope “Dave” Batista “Davidson” bought some purple tights!  Randy waits for somebody to fall over, but in the meantime Rodney Mack has come out and attacked Goldberg!  He wants a nickel!  Or maybe he REALLY likes Bret Hart.  Meanwhile, Mark Henry runs in and STEALS Shawn Michaels.  What the hell?

Chris Tian is walking backstage.  Tough Enough Jessie wants him to try again, but this time to give her “angst”.  She’s a regular Kevin Dunn.

(ads)

Mark Henry delivers Shawn Michaels with a bow around his bloody head to Kane, who thinks that this is a perfect present for Shane.  Then Mark turns his attention on getting a nickel.  Next week, he WILL be able to afford 1/5 of a gumball.

Chris Tian v. Rob Van Dam
Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Breakfast…I mean Title

Mmm…Intercontinental Breakfast.  Donuts AND Crepes.  And…uh…won tons.  Breakfast won tons?  Anyway, Rob comes out with a bag of Fritos dated to expire October 1^st 2003!!  You’ve done it again professor!  Then another Rob Van Dam comes out!  NO!  Didn’t you learn that you’d open up a parallel vortex or some crap that make you disappear from pictures?  In fact, you just disappeared from the Titantron!  Oh…wait...that’s because it was time for Chris Tian’s video.  All three guys take turns jumping off high points on the ladder, but a knee injury by Christian allows the Van Dams to hit stereo Five Star Frog Splashes!!  Double the selling of ONE Rob Van Dam match!  Robs climb up the ladder where they fight over which one gets to keep the title, but eventually, Future Rob decides that it’s best if he leaves Present Rob with the feeling of getting pushed, just this once, and lets Present Rob take the belt!  ROB VAN DAM WINS THE MAIN EVENT OF RAW!!  And YOU thought Christian and Rob Van Dam would never be pushed to the main event.  Psshaw on you.

Next Week:  When Austin and Goldberg collide, what will happen when they try to re-fuse.  Will they…REFUSE?  Stephanie tries to get HHH to stop playing that damn game long enough to come touch her huge boobies.  Will I acknowledge Chris Jericho in the Teaser?  Find out NEXT WEEK!

Later.

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.