by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

CJ:  Dammit!
SA:  What?
CJ:  He left me out of the damned medley again.
SA:  Medley?  Isn’t it a montage?
CJ:  Whatever.
BG:  Uh…Chris.  Could you excuse us for a second?
CJ:  I’m complaining here.  This is MY segment.
SA:  That’s it, Chris!  You’re off the show!  Get out.
CJ:  You’ll pay, Austin!
BG:  So…Uh…how are we supposed to do this?
SA:  Uh…I don’t know.  I wasn’t really paying attention last time.
BG:  Ow…no.  That’s not it.  Ow.  Stop that.  Hey!  That doesn’t go there!  I know for sure THAT’S not how we did it last time.
SA:  Sorry.  I’m a little out of practice. 

(They hug.  Much fidgeting ensues.)

BG:  Uh…Steve?
SA:  Yeah, Bill?
BG:  I think this is going to take a while.

(Opening Credits)

Kane v. Suga Rosey

Kane is trying to hold down the music.  Actually, I hear that Rosey wouldn’t record a song called “Shane + Kane = <3”, so Kane got angry and requested this match.  I thought that would have sold well as a single.  Though it’d be hard to sing the less than sign 3 part, and be serious about it.  Especially for Shannon.  He doesn’t “get” math.  Anyway, Rosey gets ahead early, but he pauses to sing, and Kane pops up and throws a chokeslam which is enough to finish of Rosey.  Actually, a punch would finish off Rosey.

The Hurricane is out to avenge his loss from last week, but he doesn’t do a very good job, as Kane just beats him up.  Uh oh, Shane McMahon is out and he’s PISSED.  I guess Shawn just Superkicked Shane and ran away.  It’s not Kane’s fault that his gift turned out to be a Bible Reading, hair losing Prayer Warrior.  That was Mark Henry’s fault.  Shane gives Kane a wedgie and then runs backstage.  Kane runs after him to apologize.

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Kane is still backstage wandering around and asking people on the production staff if they’ve seen Shane so that he can say that he’s sorry.  Shane pops up out of nowhere (YJ Stinger!) and invites Kane to talk with him in a limo.  Kane gets in, and Shane gets out, saying that he is going to go get Kane some coffee while he’s at it.  Shane leaves and gets behind the limo and slowly pushes it towards a semi.  Before Shane can get there, Hulk Hogan drives the semi away and into a Hummer driven by Rikishi.  Then Goldberg’s Monster Truck drives over the limo and Steve Austin backs up and fills it with concrete.  Kane is unscathed however, and peaks up out of the sunroof, when suddenly Lance Storm drives in and crashes directly into Kane’s door.  Kane may very well be lightly wounded!  OH NO!

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Still, Backstage, Kane is telling Steve Austin that he’s fine, but Austin is too busy trying to play patty cake with Goldberg to notice.  Then, Raven runs over Kane with a Golf Cart.

Molly Holly is out to be on commentary.  The only useful thing she had to say was that she had lots of interesting things to say.  Then she shuts up for the rest of the match.

Gail Kim v. Lita Version 1.0

Lita Fact:  Lita’s tattoo comes alive and sends her and the Hardy Boyz on zany adventures.
Lita Fact:  Lita’s doctor replaced her broken neck bones with huge cherry Lifesavers.

Wow.  This is a match with two people not known for their ability to hit their spots.  Lita opts not to take off her shirt, making this match lose several thousand points in my judgment.  And I know that the WWE cares what I think.  Lita is however wearing short shorts.  Who likes short shorts?  Matt Hardy likes short shorts.  Gails shorts may very well be shorter, but Lita wins, so the point is moot.

Kane is trapped under the Golf Cart.  Eric Bischoff runs off to find somebody to free him.  Kane tries to say that he can free himself, but Bischoff is gone.  Kane gets free and gets into another limo to get the hell out of the arena, but Road Dogg and X-Pac blow it up with a tank.  The inside of that limo needs a little less Kane.

Triple H is backstage and he says that the nickels are still up for grabs.  And still really heavy.  HHH asks who will take his challenge tonight.  Uh…Mark Henry.

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Shawn Michaels wanted to fight Mark Henry, but Austin and Goldberg weren’t listening.

SM:  Guys, can I have a match against Mark Henry or not?
BG:  Uh…Don’t I have a match with him?
SA:  Yeah.  Move your leg a little to the left.  There.
BG:  Ow.  I don’t think that’s it….
SM:  What are you guys doing?  Concept art?
SA:  We’re trying to get back together.
BG:  I’m not sure what Twister has to do with it, but Steve seems to think it’ll work.
SA:  Left hand red.
BG:  No fricking way.

They topple over.

SM:  Uh…I’m going to leave now.

Scott Steiner is out with My Darling Stacy and Steiner indicates that for Stacy to remain his manager, she must perform oral sex.  That’s rude and inconsiderate.  I’m not willing to stand for this!  However, sensing my rage, Eric Bischoff steps in and suggests a nice match for the Evil WCWized machine.  Steiner puts on his Chainmail +1 v. Cruiserweights and awaits his opponent.

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Scott Steiner (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Spike Dudley

Not even the production crew are interested in this match as we cut quickly to a backstage shot of Kane in the blasted out limo.  An ambulance comes to pick him up, and despite his protests to the contrary, they assume that he’s mortally wounded and use the Jaws of Life to wrench him out.  Unfortunately, that also wrenches him in half.  They take his torso to the ambulance, but when the close the door, we notice that the driver is Bret Hart!  He says, “Finally!  I’ve got you Austinberg!” and he drives off.  No, Bret, no!  You’ve got the wrong bald guy.  Back in the ring, Steiner had already won.  Whoops.  The Dudley Boyz come out to…uh…they come out to…OH!  Because Stacy used to be their manager, and Reverend D-Von has reformed them from their days as women beaters, so now they’re crusaders for women’s rights!  It all makes sense now!  Test isn’t having any of that, so he comes out, but when he sees that he’s still in an angle with Stacy and Steiner, he bails.

La Resistance is backstage making baguettes when Goldberg walks by on his bagel break.  They try to attack him to get the nickel ($14000 Canadian), but he shrugs them off.  In the corner, Rob Conway has crapped out a Volkswagen, which is immediately rammed by an ambulance.  Bret gets out to share insurance information, but Conway offers to crap out another ambulance for Bret.

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Eric Bischoff asks Joe the Production Guy if he saw what happened with Kane.  Joe says that not only did HE see it, but so did three million people, and they have it on tape, from multiple angles and in slow motion.  Bischoff complains about the lack of help he’s getting.  That’s Crazy go nuts, Eric.

Chris Jericho hauls out Chris Tian, Coach and Lance Storm for the weekly meeting of Steve Austin Anonymous.  For people who have had their lives ruined by Steve Austin.

CJ:  So, let’s get this started.  I’m Chris Jericho.
All:  Hi, Chris!
CJ:  Steve Austin has ruined my life.  He gets all the credit for segments that I was in too.  I should get some of the credit!
CT:  Oh, that’s terrible.
CJ:  Brother Coachman, why don’t you share?
JC:  I couldn’t eat the Country Whippin…J.R.…he beat me like a government MULE!  And it was all Austin’s fault….waaaaaaaaaah….
CJ:  Take your time.  It’s been rough on everybody.  Uh…screw it.  Next.
CT:  My name is Chris Tian.  And I’m an Austinhater.
All:  Hello, Christian.
CT:  Ever since Austin took over my life, he’s ruined my title, made me cut my hair, and…he’s taken away my Peeps.  I don’t blame Goldberg, no sir.  No Jewish man of any standing would deny a man his peeps.
CJ:  Well said, Chris.  Well said.  Brothers, Lance.
LS:  What?
CJ:  What about you?
LSs:  Uh…well…you see…I actually don’t think it’s been so bad.  It’s been fun having two of me.
CJ:  Oh no!  He’s in DENIAL!
CT:  It’s ok, Lances.  Get it out!  Let Austin go!
LSs:  SHUT UP!
CJ:  He’s progressed to anger!  Keep needling him!
JC:  You guys are stupid!

Austin comes out to break this party up and take a beer break.  Everybody is mad, but then Rob Van Dam comes out to find out if they had any snacks at this meeting.  Austin fancies having a match.  A handicap match, as Coach is sent back to Heat.

Rob Van Dam and Lance Storm Squared v. Chris Tian and Chris Jericho

(ads…ads?  Come ON!  Hey…A Smackdown PPV.  Stephanie v. Vince, eh?  That match has WRESTLEMANIA potential!  Don’t waste it Vince!!)

Man, if I saw Lance and Chris wrestling, I never thought that THIS would be the heel/face dynamic.  As it is, Lance is just happy to be on RAW.  Goldust is just happy to be a Smackdown referee.  Chris Tian takes himself out of the match early by chasing Lilian Garcia and the IC title around while Benny Hill music plays.  Jericho has a shot when RVD gets distracted trying to eat the time table with a spork he pulled out of his singlet, but the Lance Storms prove to be clever foes, and pick up the win.

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Backstage…

TR:  Hi, Theodore?  Mark?
RM:  AH!
TL:  Oh, it’s just Terri.  Buleedat playa.  What’s thuggin’ and buggin’, Terri?
TR:  Huh?
TL:  I said….
MH:  I’m gonna do some stuff.  Then I’m gonna win the world title.  Yeah.
TL:  What the hell are you talkin’ about, playa?  I know I’ve said stuff about the man and all that, but you’ve got no right bein’ the World Champion of anything.
RM:  What about pinochle?
TL:  Well…He IS a world class pinochle playa.  Buleedat.

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Ric Flair and Randy Orton v. Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak

With Flair in this match, I’m sensing significantly fewer dropkicks.  Cade shows signs of life when he figures out that he’s not actually Jeff Jarrett, so he doesn’t have to be a Mid-South daddy’s boy, and can actually try to have a good match.  However, the WCWness of Jindrak sucks him back down, and eventually he’s sucked so far, that he falls over.  Orton celebrates the overness of his finisher, and Flair gets the pin!  Ric Flair is on his way back to the top!

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Maven and Trish are wandering around backstage when they run into Orton and Flair who are trying to choke down Boysenberry YJ Stinger.

RF:  Maven, by God, I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last nigh, fat boy.  WOOO!
MV:  My mom?  I’m sure she really appreciated that.  Thanks!
RO:  Are you mouthing off to Triple Naitch?
RF:  Mouthing…MOUTHING OFF?  WOOOO!  That’s it.  You and me.  Right now!
MV:  Uh…how about next week, instead.
RF:  All right!  It’ll be Rico/Flair for 2003.
RO:  Um…Ric, Rico won that match.
RF:  Oh.  Right.  It’ll be like Flair/HHH for October 2003.
RO:  Uh…Ric?
RF:  I’ve got more world titles than Maven has had women!
MV:  Yeah, but I was with Torrie Wilson.
RF:  Who hasn’t been?
TS:  Wait a minute.  Maven?  Aw crap.  You said you were The Rock!

Stevie Richards and Victoria v. Maven and Trish Stratus

This is an intergender match which means I care about roughly 15% of this match.  Victoria apparently got her paycheck, as she’s pieced together a bit more of an outfit this week.  Stevie tries to go over, but this isn’t Sunday night.  Surprisingly, Val Venis isn’t chasing him around with a camera.  That’s a shout out to all my Heat watching readers.  All…two of you.  Maven makes things dropkickaliscious, and having gone through the entirety of his moveset in that one swoop, he just takes the pin and leaves.  Trish is still sad that she didn’t get to team up with Rock again, and Victoria throws the steps at her for being such a whiner.

Team Thuggin’ and Buggin’ are backstage.  Wow.  This is just like that time that Evolution was backstage, only Rodney Mack is whiter than Randy Orton and HHH is more roided up that Mark Henry.  Ric Flair and Teddy Long are both total pimps though.

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Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long) v. Bill Goldberg

This match is for all the nickels in Chyna.  I’m really REALLY sorry about that one.  Goldberg comes out with his copy of “The Idiots Guide to Body Fusion”, but so far he’s only on Chapter 1:  “So You Want to Be a Minotaur”.  That’s not very helpful.  Well, not unless Goldberg can find a cow wandering around backstage.  Mark Henry isn’t interested in any of that though, he wants nickels man, they’re at a casino tonight and he’s feeling lucky.  Play the Reel ‘Em In, game, dude.  That one’s fun.  Rodney Mack has decided that HE wants in on the action though, so he comes running out, but Shawn Michaels teleports in and Superkicks Rodney.  I don’t know what’s sadder.  That Shawn frickin’ Michaels is building to a match against Rodney Mack and Mark Henry, or that he’s using the aid of bees to help him do it.  Goldberg spears Shawn to try to get the can from him, but he ends up spilling bees everywhere.  Henry tries valiantly to salvage some of them, but ends up getting Jackhammered for his troubles.

Next Week:  Goldberg and Austin give it another go, this time with Super Glue.  Flair teaches Maven the finer points of not dropkicking.  And a Funeral Service for a man that just wanted to be loved, Kane.

E-MAIL MATT    
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