by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

CJ:  ARG!
CT:  Left you out of the montage again, eh?
CJ:  Bastard.
CT:  Well…you know.  Really you were only involved in one segment.
CJ:  Yeah….
CT:  With Lance Storms.
CJ:  I guess.
CT:  And me.
CJ:  This is YOUR fault.  Dammit.

Jericho chases Christian around backstage.  The run right past Terri who is standing by with Ric Flair and Randy Orton…Standing by?  What the hell, the show hasn’t even started yet.

TR:  Hi guys.
RO:  AH!
RF:  Wooo!  I didn’t know they were letting women my age back here now.
TR:  Actually I’m only tw….
RF:  Don’t even try that twenty something line on ME girl.  You’ve had so much work done, even Triple Naitch wouldn’t hit it.
RO:  Wow.  That’s pretty bad.  He even took Linda on a ride on Space Mountain.  Fat Boy.  Woo.
RF:  No, no, no.  You’re doing it all wrong, man.
TR:  So.  Goldberg and nickels.  Who will prevail?
RF:  I dunno.  Not me.  I’m injured!  Woooo!!
RO:  Oh, shut up.  I’m not going to rub your groin.

Here’s Shawn Michaels.

RF:  Wooo!  Shawn!  It’s time you beat up, Goldberg!
SM:  I dunno. 
RF:  Come on, man!  Be Shawn WOOO! By God, MICHAELS!!
SM:  Well….
RO:  Do it for the nickels.  They could buy you and Whysper a lot of new chaps.
SM:  The baby could use some chaps too.
RF:  Wooo!  Do it because Goldberg is Jewish!
SM:  He’s WHAT?  Oh, man!  He killed Jesus!
RO:  Well, he got better.
SM:  I’m filled with the power of the Spirit!  It’s time to DANCE!

(Shawn begins dancing around)

RF:  Man, this is SO much better than fighting Maven.  What was I thinking?
RO:  I’m pretty sure you were cracked out last week, Naitch.
RF:  Don’t get me started, fat boy.

J.R. thanks us for joining them, and in honor of all the injuries in the WWE they’re going to do a live two hour hospital report instead of having matches.  Ok, maybe a few matches.

(Opening Credi….)

Whoa!  The usual credits are interrupted by Jericho who has chased Chris Tian all the way to the ring.

CJ:  I should be in the CREDITS more too.
CT:  Dude, nobody is in the credits.  It’s just shots of the band that sings the song.
CJ:  Oh.  I forgot.  Why doesn’t Fozzy sing the credits?
CT:  Because then he’d just be all, “Wokka Wokka!  It’s time for RAW.”
CJ:  I don’t get it.  I think this is all Steve Austin’s fault.  So is Kane’s injury…and so is this injury that happened at a house show to Test!

Holy crap!  Good thing they brought cameras to this house show or we totally would have missed Shane hitting a Van Terminator and then stomping on Test’s foot until it broke.  We learn that Test is in a wheel chair, and is undergoing his strict Coach Nash training regimen.  He should be back around the Royal Rumble.  *snicker*  Shane McMahon is out to defend his actions.

SM:  Hey.  Guys.  Don’t sweat it.  It was Test.
CT:  He’s got a point Chris.  I mean.  Who cares?
CJ:  Yeah.  I see your point. 
SM:  Test should ride around in the “waaaambulance”.
CT:  Dude, what is this?  Fourth grade?

Shane begins shooting spit balls at Christian, but before this can get too much further, here’s Rob Conway and Rene Dupree.  Who else can we get out here?  How about Garrison Cade?

RD:  Uh-huh-HUH!  We are French.  Wait…why are we…how you say…Out here?
RC:  We came out to tell everyone that Sylvan Grenier died in a tragic Fondue Pot accident.
RD:  We French, we love the Fondue.  Too much, sometimes as poor Sylvan shows.
SM:  What the hell?  Can we get somebody else out here to make sense of all this?

Everybody starts hitting Shane for DARING to question their knowledge.  Here’s The Dudley Boyz to…ah screw it.  I have no fricking clue where they’re going with this anymore.

BD:  Let’s all have a match.
CJ:  No.
DD:  Why not?
CT:  Because.  This segment is over.  If we drag this through the whole show, we’ll get another…I don’t know.  Ten or so segments out of the deal.
RC:  We’ll be like the new HHHs.
BD:  That’s great!!  I’ll see you then!

What the hell was that exactly?  Anyway, backstage, Goldberg almost gets run over.  Was it Lance Storm?  It’s ALWAYS Lance Storm.  Or Rikishi.  Maybe we’ll find out…NEXT. 

But I doubt it.

(ads)

Kids, despite what you may have learned from the WWE, vehicular homicide is NOT cool, and you and your friends could get seriously hurt.  Well, unless you can no-sell.  If you can, go nuts.  Actually, now that I think about it, don’t.  You’d have to tape a bunch of crappy viginettes and do all your speaking Live Via Satellite, and that’s all a bitch to set up.  If you MUST copy something in the WWE, copy La Resistance’s hair styles.  That’s Le Good Hair.

Scott Steiner (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Steiner has NEW CHAINMAIL (3 Gold, 2 Silver and a Copper only at Shopzone.com!).  Its’ +2 v. Bald Rednecks.  We’ll see how that plays out tonight.  But if Steiner touches Stacy I’m out of here.  Rob tries some offense, but Steiner isn’t having any of that.  Heel Steiner is just like face Steiner, but Heel Steiner no sells the faces instead of the heels.  Eventually, Steiner gets distracted and decides to steal a chair from RVD’s tights and hits RVD with it.  Uh…you’re not supposed to do that.  DQ to Steiner.  Hey, that’s not Lilian Garcia it’s A Man, baby.  Yeah.  A Man is a huge improvement, but I still miss Finkel.  Are he and Lilian off having an affair or something?  Eh.  Who cares.  Steiner goes after Stacy, and that’s it…I’m…uh…calling Steve Austin to get him to do my dirty work for me.  Heh.  Austin comes down and he’s carrying “The Idiots Guide to Body Fusion” and they’re all the way up to Chapter 5, “Harpies and You:  How To Break It To Your Significant Other That You’re Into Birds”.  Austin’s into birds?  Anyway, Steiner acts tough because he’s got chainmail, and so he attacks Austin, but he forgets that he’s not wearing it anymore and goes down.  Oops.  Austin offers to have a beer with Stacy, but she only likes Stacker 2 infused alcohol.  STUNNER TO STACY.  I’ll be…grrr.  That’s it.  No fusing for another week, Austin.  See how YOU like…uh…not being fused.  Grrrrr.

JR:  Folks, violence against women is wrong.  Unless she’s a no good Jezebel.  Then STONE HER TO DEATH, BY GAWD!  But even then, it’s still not nice.  Unless you’re Steve Austin.  Then it’s cool and edgy.  Stacy is a Jezebel BY GAWD!  STUNNER HER AGAIN!

(ads)

Ric Flair is at the commentary table.  He stoned JR’s old lady all over Space Mountain last night.  Wooo!

Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda) v. Maven

Holy crap!  They’re letting EVERYBODY onto the show!  Actually, this makes sense.  See, Rico beat Flair, so he earned the shot to take on Maven here TONIGHT!  Maven uses dropkick upon dropkick to take Rico down, and Rico has no counter for them.  Well, except for crappy eye makeup, but really, that’s no defense.  Maven hits the dropkick and WINS!  Flair runs down to the ring and starts hitting Maven with his crutch.  Hey!  Flair’s not injured at all.  What the hell.  I bought him this “Get Well Soon, Naitch” balloon bouquet for NOTHING!

(ads)

Suga Rosey is backstage in street clothes pretending to be a member of the Three Count “Street Team”.  The Lance Storms seem interested, but this segment is broken up.  What segment HASN’T been tonight?  This time it’s The Hurricane.

TH:  What the hell are you doing?
LSs:  We’re wearing your shirt to advertise that you’re on this show!
TH:  During my own segment?
LSs:  Uh…yeah.  I guess.
TH:  Whatsupwitdat?  Never mind.  Rosey, what are YOU doing?
RY:  Selling official Three Count Merchandise?
TH:  STOP THAT!!  This is WAY more important.  HHH isn’t here because he’s off filming his first movie “Kill Bill Goldberg”, and half the roster is either injured or dead.  They’re letting ANYBODY be on the show tonight.  Get in your gear, and get out there.  This might be the only time in the history of RAW that we’re not part of some grand conspiracy to hold somebody else down.
RY:  Awesome!  Let me get into this phone booth here to call Shannon and tell him the good news!  Arg!  I’m too fat!
TH:  HaHa!  My plan worked.  Quit trying to reform Three Count, jackass.
LSs:  Ahahahahaha!  A fat guy stuck in a compromising position.

The Dudley Boyz are backstage telling Shane that tonight it’s going to be a 4 v. 4 tables match.  But who will be their mystery partner.  Spike pops his head out, and everyone laughs.

Goldberg is talking to acclaimed film director Kevin Smith about how he’s disappointed in his inability to fuse with Austin and also that someone is trying to kill him.  Suddenly, a big crate of packing peanuts falls on his head.  Goldberg spears Kevin Smith, says “That was for that artsy piece of crap Chasing Amy…Affleck my ass.  Better yet, J-Lo’s Ass.  That was all YOUR FAULT!”  Then he storms away.  Up on the balcony, Bret Hart scowls.  I guess your plan will have to wait another week, Bret.

(ads)

Goldberg is coming out to the ring, mumbling something about Mat Rats.  Eric Bischoff is really sorry about that.  Wait.  Oh.  I get it.  Never mind.  Goldberg grabs a mic.

BG:  Seeing as I’m prevented from fusing AGAIN this week, I’m here to call out Shawn Michaels.  Listen, I’m sorry about the whole Jesus thing.  To make it up to you, I bought you a copy of Yentil.

Shawn Michaels dances out.

SM:  Dude, I can’t resist Streisand.  You’ve made my day.  But Spearing me last week was wrong.
BG:  Like you’ve never Superkicked somebody by accident?
SM:  Uh…No.  I…uh…that wasn’t me.  That was Jannety.  Damn him. 

TOMMY F’N DREAMER is out to dish out some serious PAIN to Goldberg!  I guess he needs some nickels to pay for Beulah.  Just a few more and he gets to see her boobies.  Tommy has never heard of the Internet.  Goldberg is an idiot, and he won’t sell for Tommy.  Thanks for coming out tonight anyway, Tommy.  Here’s Flair who is taking off his shirt so that Shawn can see his manly manboobs.  Orton is out, but he’s just there so that he can be on the show some more.

RF:  SHAWN!  SHAWN!  LOOK AT THESE, BABY!  If you don’t attack Goldberg, your wife is gonna be looking at these all night LONG!  WOOOO!

Oh, for Pete’s Sake.  Here’s Theodore Long and Mark Henry.

TL:  Talk about overbooked.  We’re gonna be in this segment too, playas.  Buhlee Dat!
MH:  Yeah.  I’m uh…doing something, and Goldberg is involved.
TL:  Let me Holla at you, playas.  I can’t buhlee that all these people are on RAW. 

Geez, is Ivory doing anything tonight?  Let’s run HER on out there.  It’s WrestlerPalooza.  I guess when Triple H is away, the midcarders come out to play.  Eric Bischoff comes out to put an end to this nonsense, tonight all these people except for Teddy Long and TOMMY F’N DREAMER will be in a tag match.  Why not Tommy?  Geez.  You suck, Eric. 

(ads)

Rene Dupree, Rob Conway, Chris Tian and Chris Jericho v. Shane McMahon, The Dudley Boyz and…BOOOOOOOKER T!
In a Tables Tables Tables Match

Holy crap, they’re even dragging people who are injured back onto the show.  Christian cowers in fear, but Booker doesn’t remember why.  Christian must have continuity in his tights tonight.  That’ll chafe.  The Dudley Boyz tag in and out and in and out, before letting Shane come in.  Shane is a houseafire as he beats the ever-living crap out of Jericho.  It’s nice to see Jericho selling for a future main eventer.  Kind of like he did for Cena.  Of course that had nothing to do with Cena getting over and…what the hell was I talking about again?

(ads)

Oh.  Right.  A match.  Uh…the ring FILLS with tables as everybody tries to be the first one to get them and soon, there’s no room for the wrestlers.  Only tables.  Booker T improvises by fashioning a crude table on the outside out of his dreadlocks and then throwing Rob Conway through it.  Booker T’s hair is OVER!  Spike Dudley runs out, but he’s too late.  Spike is sad.  Shane offers to high five him, but Spike has already wandered off to cry.  You don’t leave SHANE MCMAHON hanging, dude.  Spike is SOOOO fired.

Hey, here’s some video packages from house show.  Many workers were injured in the filming of these packages.  Wow.  Who knew house shows could be this exciting!  Look…it’s…uh…Rico! 

(ads)

Rosey promises to dedicate a song on his upcoming solo album if anyone will just get him a frickin’ shoe horn.  It’s going to take more than that, I reckon.  I reckon…man…what does that even MEAN?

Booker, the Dudleyz and Shane are still in the ring.  Man, Booker’s music goes on forever.  Ice Ice Ice…Wait, here’s Johnathan Coachman, even back-up announcers will get screen time.  He says that he has an exclusive LIVE VIA SATELLITE interview with Kane, who is back from the Grave and in “Zombie” condition at a hospital.  Coach starts to conduct the interview, but Shane isn’t having any of that.  No, sir.  SUPERSHANESPEAR.  Take THAT Goldberg.  Shane knows ALL you guys’ moves.  Shane asks a bunch of questions, but Kane is just laying there.  This is the best question and answer session in RAW’s history.  Uh…hey.  Don’t you suppose that if you’re going to go through all the trouble of setting this all up, that you’d, you know, make sure that Kane could answer your questions.  Shane mentiones that he’ll see Kane at Survivors Series and suddenly Kane sits up and chokeslams his doctor and his nurse.  Then he looks at the camera:  “No way are you booking THAT far in advance!”

No kidding, what is that…November?  That’s a month away.  Oh well, Survivor Series was going to need Kane anyway.

(ads)

Ivory, Lita Version 1 and Trish v. Gail Kim, Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Molly Holly
In a This Is The Entire Division, Let’s Get THEM All On TV Too Match

Lita Fact:  Lita’s book makes a great door stop!
Lita Fact:  Lita considered going to Smackdown to be with boyfriend, Matt Hardy, but she didn’t want to job to Torrie Kidman

Ivory and Stevie hug and skip merrily away, secure in the fact that they made it to RAW.  Everybody else does some stuff.  I don’t know.  I’m too distracted by the fact that Lawler and J.R. are discussing the finer points of bondage thong hygiene.  I still can’t shake the image of J.R. and Lawler in bondage thongs.  And thanks to the Internet, now you can't either.  Feel my pain.  Trish pins Victoria, and Victoria gets all pissy about it.  Oh, shut up.  It’s not like you’ve never jobbed before.  Chris Jericho comes out to make the save.  Huh?  Uh…Face turn by Jericho?  Trish is confused, I’m confuseder.  What’s going on here anyway?

(ads)

Jericho is walking backstage when he runs into Austin.

SA:  What the hell are you doing?  You can’t turn face!
CJ:  Listen, dude.  I’m just trying to get involved in every segment possible.  Hell, if I’m involved with you, the Booker T thing, the Women’s title thing, the Kane thing, the….
SA:  You’re involved in a lot of things.
CJ:  And that’s the beauty of it, man.  I’m going to become so deeply entrenched in RAW that HHH will never get me out.  EVER.
SA:  Holy crap, that’s actually a pretty good plan.
CJ:  I know!  And plus, I don’t condone beating women.
SA:  Hey!
CJ:  Heh.  I’m awesome.

Jericho walks away, and Austin walks down the hall.  There he finds John Hnnrnnr.  What the hell?  Even cameo guys are getting segments tonight.  John Hnnrnnr tells Austin that “Little Johnny” made a tape for Austin to watch.  Uh…I wouldn’t watch a tape about John’ Hnnrnnr’s “Little Johnny”, but Austinberg doesn’t want to be rude.  John wanders off to find his acting coach.  Terri tries to flag Austin down, but he’s not talking to any more women tonight.  He briefly considers freeing Rosey, but instead he just decides to leave.  Poor, Rosey.

Backstage, Flair, Orton and Henry are discussing what should happen in the Handicap match.  Not once is TOMMY F’N DREAMER mentioned.

(ads, when HHH needs to beat Kanyon he uses the power of the bees.  You know, that’s funny, I could probably get a clean pin on Kanyon, and I haven’t had ANY bees today.  HHH really is slipping.)

Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long), Randy Orton and Ric Flair v. Shawn Michaels and Goldberg

Everybody but Randy Orton gets some offense to start.  He keeps waiting for someone to fall over.  When Flair Flops, he goes for the pin, but that’s not quite how it works.  Near the end of the match, TOMMY F’N DREAMER runs out and canes everybody, then he gets on the mic, and says that despite the fact that he’s not trying to cut a face promo, he’s going to take over the show because Austin and HHH are gone.  But then Orton’s powers suddenly kick in, and Tommy falls over.  Noooooo!  Goldberg goes for the Jackhammer on Henry, and J.R. is incredulous.  Yeah, it’s been a whole WEEK since he’s done that.  Goldberg gets the win, but suddenly he’s hit with a superkick by Shawn Michaels.  Uh…Heel turn?  Eric Bischoff wanders out and books a Shawn Michaels/Goldberg match for next week, and then wanders back.  It’s almost as if he KNEW what was going on.  You don’t think he’s been watching the show, do you?

Next Week:  Austin and Goldberg get back together after another one week suspension, will the results be different THIS time?  HHH returns to find his show overridden by midcarders.  Shawn Michaels takes sweet revenge over Goldberg for the sins of Woody Allen.

GC:  Geez, you’d think they’d find SOMEWHERE on the show for us.
MJ:  I know.  We were feuding with La Resistance or something, right?  Couldn’t we have done that?
GC:  Nah, probably not.  They could have at LEAST let us play a video game on screen.
VV:  Hey, I’ve got the Venis cam all set up.  Where’s everybody going?
MJ:  RAW’s over, Val.
VV:  Aw…dammit.  I was about to get crazy go nuts with all the rest of the midcarders!
GC:  This sucks.  What does it say about us that we weren’t allowed on the show?
CJ:  Hahahahaha…Suckers!  I had about 90 minutes of air time tonight and you idiots had NONE! 
MJ:  We suck.

The jobbers cry.

E-MAIL MATT    
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