by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Hey look it’s a CAGE!  I guess that means there’s going to be a CAGE match tonight.  That’s a big logic leap of faith though.  Let’s not get TOO far ahead.

Ric Flair, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Randy Orton are making their way out to the ring.  Oh boy!  I sense some promo gold coming in this segment.

RF:  WOO!  Batista!  It’s good to have you back, so that I can take your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, fat boy!  WOOOOOO!
DBD:  Uh…That’s not very nice of you to say, Naitch.  I’m a heel too.
RF:  A heel?  A HEEL?!  You couldn’t heal nothing you injury prone, banana monkey.
RO:  Naitch.  Calm down.  We’re out here to ramble about Goldberg, not to turn you face.
RF:  But isn’t this Fayetteville, BY GOD, North Carolina?
RO:  Uh…yeah…but….
RF:  But your mother, fat boy.
DBD:  So anyway.  Last week, I ended Goldberg’s career.  I got a nickle and this signed copy of Wrestling with Shadows.  Thanks, Bret!
RO:  And I lost our cake, only to have HHH find it for us.
RF:  And I ate whip cream off of super models ALL NIGHT LONG!  WOO!  Somebody give me a title.

Here’s Eric Bischoff who is holding a black bag.

EB:  In this bag, I have something for you guys.  Something that Goldberg left behind at the arena last week.  Take a look!
RO:  Ew.  A sweaty jockstrap?
EB:  Yeah, that’s for Dave for making such short work of Goldberg.
DBD:  Uh…no thanks.
EB:  C’mon.  You deserve it.  Take it.
DBD:  Uh…thanks.  I…guess…Ick.
EB:  I also have in here the WWE World Title.  Which, given Goldberg’s injury I’d like to award to….
DBD:  Me for being such a snazzy dresser?
RO:  Me for my year and year of contribution to the industry?
RF:  No, you idiots!  ME!  Making me the WOOO 88-time World Champion.  What a night, for tha NATURE BOY!!
EB:  Actually, I was going to give it to Trip….

Before he can complete that thought, here’s Stone Cold Steve Austin!

SA:  NO!  Don’t give in to temptation.  I know his wedding was this week, but giving things to HHH is NOT cool.  Goldberg is only off selling his injury.  He’ll be back by Survivor Series.  He can lose it to HHH then.
EB:  I don’t know, Austin.  That plan sounds a little nutty.
RF:  Nutty?  THIS is NUTTY!

Flair takes the World Title, slams it on the ground, struts around the ring, knee drops it and then tries to put it in the figure four.

EB:  I swear to you, I was a few years early putting him in that asylum.
RO:  Was that the one with Hugh Morris’ dad?
DBD:  I miss Mr. Rection.
SA:  Dammit.  I lost my train of thought.  Anyway, here are Jindrak and Cade to attack you.

Sure enough, Jindrak and Cade come out and attack Evolution, before running away again.  Keep at it, guys.  You’ll get over one of these times.

(ads.  Brock is so totally cheating.  Torrie is already in her Bra and Panties, so he wins by default.  I guess she still had to get him down to his panties though.)

Trish Stratus is reading her text messages in her bra in the locker room.  Lita comes in in her bra and asks if she’s looking at anything good.  This is like a bad porn scene.  Only the acting in the porn would be significantly better, and Lita would be naked.  Jericho sent Trish this message “OMG, I h8 2 say but IM in <3 w/ U! –CJ”  Aw.  Lita got the following from Chris Tian:  “A/S/L?  27/M/CANADA OMG BENOIT”  Lita decides that she and her crack team of investigators will get to the bottom of why this angle is happening.  Librarian powers…ACTIVATE!!  Lita puts on a shirt and wanders off.

Booker T v. Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda)

Man, so THIS is what happened to Heat.  Maybe Ultimate Warrior’s big comeback plan is to team with Rico?  It’d save them both a bundle on face paint.  Anyway, Booker wins and starts to celebrate, a little early perhaps, because Chris Jericho is out!

CJ:  Your stupid Wendys ruined my Moose Burgers last week, and now you will pay!
BT:  I know you didn’t just insult my Frosties, you punk ass.
CJ:  I, in fact, DID insult your Frosties, just now.
BT:  That’s it!
CJ:  Oh, crap, guys get out here!!

Jericho chugs a can of Mango YJStinger to bring the cage down as he and Booker begin fighting, with Steiner and Chris Tian out to help.  Booker is getting a severe beating from the lawfirm of Chris, Chris & Chains for Brains, when suddenly RVD runs out and hits everybody with a chair.  Apparently all that food talk was making him hungry, so he just wanted everyone to shut up.  He could have asked.  This week to protest his treatment by WWE management, he’s wearing a singlet with an airbrushed picture of Stephanie on the front that says “I wouldn’t hit it for a bag of Fritos”, and then on the back it says “Ok, yes I would”.  That’s some effective protesting there, Rob.  Booker T seems relatively pleased that this segment is over.

(ads)

Jericho and Bischoff are arguing about whether or not Magilla Gorilla was gay.  This issue will be settled tonight in a match between Jericho and RVD.  Uh…ok.

Theodore Long and Mark Henry are tired of Steve Austin’s haterizing.  You’d think they’d be more tired of Ric Flair’s haterizing, but maybe they don’t want to bring him out tonight.  Mark Henry challenges anybody who likes Austin to a match.  J.R. get down there!

Lance Storm (w/ Lance Storm) v. Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

Only one white boy at a time, buhleedat.  Actually, it doesn’t matter, because as soon as the match starts, Shawn Michaels prances out and superkicks Mark Henry.  Shawn looks kind of dismayed that he’s dealing with somebody of Henry’s calibur.  Shawn looks at his watch and frowns.  Only two more months until Kev comes back, Shawn.  Then it’ll be all better.

(ads)

Holy crap, Lita changed shirts between the locker room and here.  What the hell?  Anyway, the Hardy Boyz and the Case of the Tantalizing Tweener Text is afoot!

MH:  How dare that Chris Tian try to steal Lita Librarian away from me?
LL:  Matt, let’s just find him and ask him what’s up.  It’s probably nothing.
MH:  Jeff, what clues have you uncovered?
JH:  Clues?  I thought you said glues.  I’ve got a bunch of glue.  Smell this rubber cement!
MH:  We don’t have time fo…Oo!  That’s nice!!
LL:  Guys, just help me find Chris Tian, ok?
JH:  Lita, Imagi tells me that if we really were supposed to find Christian, he would find us.
MH:  Go look in a book or something you intergalactic space hussy.  I’m going back to Smackdown to solve the case of The Hardy Boyz and the Lad’s Lost Limb.
JH:  I’m so totally going with you.  I want to see if Eddie will let me drive one of his low riders over my volcano!

The Hardy Boyz leave and Christian enters.

CT:  Was that Matt and Jeff?
LL:  Yeah.  They were supposed to help me figure out why the hell you saved me and then IMed me.
CT:  Honestly, I just wanted to see if you’d link me to a picture of your boobies.
LL:  So it doesn’t have anything to do with this picture of you and me in my book?
CT:  No.  I don’t read things that have pages.
LL:  It doesn’t have anything to do with Chris Jericho hitting on Trish?
CT:  That’s totally different.  Trish has blonde hair.
LL:  Well, call me.

Elsewhere, John Hnnrnnr is talking to The Hurricane about his big debut match.  When Hurricane asks who “Little Johnny” is, John says that it’s an intelligent talking riding lawn mower that fights crime.  Hurricane is perplexed.  He thought HE was the only intelligent talking riding lawnmower who fights crime.  Suga Rosey and Shannon Moore are in the parking lot practicing their hot moves, and Hurricane warns John about the horrors of a Boy Band angle that will never die.

Johnathan Coachman asks Shane McMahon who his big match will be against tonight, and Shane says “Probably someone stupid, but at least it will be short. 

(ads)

John Hnnrnnr and The Hurricane v. La Resistance

The part of La Resistance will be played by Rene Dupree and Rob Conway tonight.  Hurricane decides that the world would be a better place if he was the only guy who wrestled in this match.  Unfortunately, the odds prove to be too much for him, and he has to tag out.  Do you miss Nathan Jones?  Never fear, because John Hnnrnnr is here!  Expect vignettes with Coach Nash teaching him the basics coming soon.  Hnnrnnr gets the win.  Hurricane and Hnnrnnr go outside to celebrate with the G.I. Joes in the audience.  I think Lady Jaye has a thing for Hurricane. 

(ads)

Test (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. Shane McMahon

Stacy is out there imploring these guys to keep it short.  One non-wrestler, one guy with a broken foot.  This should work out well.  Test keeps beating Shane up and calling for Kane.  See, that’s pretty smart.  Test knows that this match needs more Kane, so even though he’s winning, he’s still going to take time out to bemoan the lack of Kane on this show.  Test starts beating Shane up and yelling about how, if it weren’t for having to constantly fight Shane in 1999, it would be HIM marrying Stephanie this weekend and lording over the world title every week.  Shane asks Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks if they can end the match, but Goldust says that without HHH or Goldberg on the show, they’re going to need to go another 20 minutes with this.  Sigh.  Let’s see what else is on TV.  San Diego and Miami are playing a game on a field that’s on fire.  Wow.  I didn’t know the NFL did Inferno matches.  See, they learned something from the XFL after all.  Hey, here’s something.  It’s an awards show.  Shouldn’t the Radio Music Awards happen on the radio?  Oh well.  Look at all that cleavage.  Uh…back to the match.  Shane wins with a Van Terminator causing RVD to go into a fit of rage backstage and smash his wall.  I think Stacy is asleep over in the corner there.  Then Shane calls out Kane.  Nothing.  Calls out Kane.  Nothing.  This goes on for the next hour or so until Shane hits Test with a chair.  Kane’s not standing for THAT!  I guess Shane is betraying that intimate trust that Shane will only use a chair on Kane’s foot.  Shane says that an ambulance will be standing by during their Zombie Match to make sure that if Kane wants to access the Super Secret Ambulance Missions, he’ll have an outlet for doing so.  Kane responds by lighting Lilian Garcia on fire.  That’s how every segment should end.

(ads)

Gail Kim v. Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) v. Trish Stratus v. Lita Version One
Number 1 Contenders Match for the WWE Women’s Title

Lita Fact:  Lita’s book is selling like hotcakes.
Lita Fact:  If by Hotcakes you mean ALF Collectors Plates

I’ve got to get me a set of those.  Nothing says “class” like a meal served on the Tanner Family.  Maybe Lita will tell Trish about the case during the match?  Molly comes out dressed like Stephanie.  OH!  She’s trying to get HHH to think she’s Stephanie so that she gets pushed to the top of the division.  That’s pretty smart.  She’s only an ugly skirt and a couple basketballs away too.  He’s not there tonight, so maybe this will be a progressional thing.  Lita pins Victoria to get the win and the match at Survivor Series.  Once again, Stevie is just happy to be out there.

Jan the Make-Up Lady is trying to give Jonathan Coachman a look.  Coach wants to go “blacker”, but there’s only so much Jan can do.

(ads)

Road Warrior Hawk:  Still Dead.

Coach comes out and says that it’s time for his book club.  Aw dammit.  I forgot to pick up this month’s selection.  Man, I’m gonna look like a total asshat when it comes time for me to give my opinions.  “Uh…well…My favorite part of the book was when Steve was the RingMaster, because…uh…I love the circus, man.  The way he’d always tell Doink what to do…yeah.”  Coach says that the book is full of lies, Steve Austin isn’t bald at all.  And he’s not a “Bionic Redneck” he’s a 6-Million Dollar Man.  I think Lee Majors should sue.

Steve Austin comes out and mentions that the book is actually about him, but that it’s all lies anyway.  For example, the book says that he’s actually bald, but really, he spends five hours in a make-up chair every week having a skull cap put on, he still has a long mane of blonde hair.  Does this mean it’s not too late to hope for a return of the Hollywood Blondes?  Oh.  Wait.  Yes it is.

Terri (AH!) asks Jindrak and Cade about the whole cake thing from last week, and Jindrak and Cade argue about whether or not they would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.  Well, the spotlight and the camera (and the glass of Chez Stinger) didn’t help.  Shawn Michaels wanders into picture and says “Oops, has anyone seen the catering table?” before he is rudely interrupted by Theodore Long and Mark Henry.

TL:  You’re having a match against Mark Henry next week, buhleedat.
SM:  Fine, fine.  While I cannot express how disappointed I am that I’m in this angle, I’ll do it.  Mark, have you seen catering, I hear they have little chicken kievs. 
MH:  Ooooh…little chi…I mean.  Are you implying that I am fat?
SM:  Yes, you fat tub of lard.
TL:  He has a point, playa.  You’re one tubby guy.
MH:  Yeah.  It’s true.  It’s down the hall, second right, past the bathrooms, you can’t miss it.
SM:  Thanks.
EB:  Oh, no you don’t.
SM:  Why not?
EB:  Last week you ate all the crème puffs at the party.  That’s not cool.  No kievs for you.
SM:  Aw dammit.
EB:  Sting, get this guy away from the table.

Sting v. Michaels in a battle for little chicken kievs!  NEXT!  Just kidding.

(ads)

Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade (w/ Maven) v. Ric Flair and Randy Orton (w/ “Dave” Batista “Davidson”)

Batista has taken the opposite route of Lita and removed his shirt entirely.  Why, only the God knows.  Flair stands outside the ring and rambles incoherently to Maven about how here in North WOOO Carolina, the Nature Boy doesn’t have to be a heel if he doesn’t want to be.  Then Flair starts chopping the crap out of the ringposts.  Orton does well however, with Batista assisting him in making both Cade and Jindrak fall over multiple times.  Worn out from continuous pole chopping, Flair wanders into the ring and flops.  Cade and Jindrak hit the DROPKICK on Orton and Batista.  That’s their move!  Jindrak pins Flair.  Jindrak and Cade win!!  After the match, Flair flips out about losing to these losers in North Carolina, so he lowblows everybody and woos at them until they all run away.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Rob Van Dam
WWE Intercontinental Title and to Determine the Sexuality of Magilla Gorilla 

Jericho represents the “gay gorilla movement”.  It’s nice to see him taking up a cause that isn’t hair metal.  Rob protests his treatment in the WWE by hitting only 3/4ths of his spots.  That’ll learn ‘em.  Bischoff is pissed off however at this blatant slap in the face of his management style, and so he runs out and costs himself the argument and Rob the title.  SWERVE by Bischoff!!!  Austin comes out and says that the argument was stupid anyway, and besides, everybody know Magilla had a thing for Hong Kong Fooey’s secretary.  So, they should have ANOTHER match, but this one just for the title.  And in a cage.

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. Chris Jericho
Cage Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Rob cleverly offers to let Jericho leave the cage because he’s unsatisfied anyway.  When Jericho falls for the trap, Rob kicks him in the back of the head and gets out.  Haha!  Chris Tian and Scott Steiner take offense to this win by Van Dam, and chase him back into the cage.  The Dudleyz run out to stop them, because honestly, what would a hastily thrown together tag team elimination match be without the Dudleyz?  Mark Henry comes out…for some reason or another, and Booker T comes out because everybody else was doing it.  As the show goes off the air, Jericho climbs up on top of the cage and yells at everyone for trying to steal his face time.

Next Week:  With both men missing, the WWE turns to puppets to promote the HHH/Goldberg feud.  Lita tells Trish that she heard Chris Tian telling Theodore Long that Stevie Richards said that Chris Jericho said that he was going to ask Trish to the big dance, ohmygod!  Steve Austin will select the fifth member of his team:  TOMMY F’N DREAMER!

Now, off to play Smackdown.

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