by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

We are LIVE from the home state of The Rick but god knows he couldn’t pull himself away from box kicking for long enough to show up and offer Sedative Chicklet Mort Hershey a nickle for his contributions to the industry.  Times must REALLY be tight for him.  Maybe you should attack Goldberg and get him some money?

Are we really starting out with a match?  I need some talking to get into a rhythm.  Damn.  Now I’ve got the blues.  The only cure for that:  Honkey Tonk Man and Greg Valentine coming to an NWA-TNA near you!

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Booker T and Rob Van Dam

Rob expresses his disgust with the company by wearing his belt over his left shoulder instead of his right!  Viva La Resistance, Rob!  Not, La Resistance though.  Really, it’s not that I don’t wish them to live, I just wish them to do it on Heat.  You know?  The Chrises are late to the ring because they were totally at the tux shop trying on cummerbunds for the big WWE formal.  Maybe Christian could just get away with pulling his Jock up outside his pants.  I bet Lita would dig that.  Rob mistakes teaming with Booker T with his ongoing feud with how he is booked, and allows himself to be pinned.  Unintentional HEEL TURN by RVD!!!  Rob realizes his mistake all too late, and produces a Frostie from his singlet to make up to Booker T.  Booker, for some reason, refuses.  So Rob eats the Frostie.  And the cup.

Steve Austin is backstage trying to figure out why he allowed the team to pick itself.  I mean, he’s got a convicted felon, a pot smoking hippie who is trying to start his own personal revolt against the system, and two guys who were feuding with a guy who got killed by a Fondue Pot and his tag team partner Rene.  That actually sounds like one hell of a sitcom.  Coming on Spike TV this fall!  Austin goes looking for a fifth member to his team, but the only person he can find is Jonathan Coachman.  Austin almost gives up on trying to win the match on the spot, but instead he steals Coach’s magazine, and sees if he can find somebody in the personals to be on his team.  38/M/TX.  Turn-Ons:  Dancing, Jesus, Long Prances on the beach.  Turn-Offs:  Back problems, Bret Hart, Losing things.  Serious inquiries only.  Still has lots to offer.  I’d love to be your Sexy Boy.  But not your Boy Toy.  Hmmm….

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Terri is backstage with Molly.

MH:  AH!  It’s Terri!
TR:  Yeah.  Uh…So.  Who’s inviting you to the big dance?
MH:  Shut up, you three breasted whore.  I’m the women’s champion.  I don’t have to go to any stupid dances.
TR:  Nobody invited you did they?
MH:  Is it my Stephanie Lite dress style?
TR:  I bet you wish Christopher Nowinski was still alive.  He was always talking about dating you and then introducing himself to Paul Heyman.
MH:  You’re stupid.

And with that, hair is pulled, slaps are thrown.  We have ourselves a catfight.  Molly stops beating on Terri to shout “Notice that my current outfits offer me much less breastal support!”  I’ll take note of that, Molly.  Thanks.  Well, Lita Version 1 isn’t having any of that, so she’s out to demonstrate PROPER lack of breastal support.  Suddenly a young Korean boy jumps out from the crowd with a wrench to Lita’s forehead.  Wait…that’s no Korean boy, that’s Gail Kim who knows nothing about the need for breastal support.  Mark it down, folks.  Gail Kim, in the arena, with the wrench.  Damn, I had Triple H with the sledgehammer.  The ONE time, it isn’t Triple H with the sledgehammer….  Molly retains, I guess.  A winner is the audience!  Breastal Support, a cause I can really get behind.

Steve Austin is in the back with Shawn Michaels…Uh oh.

SA:  So…Shawn….
SM:  Hey, Steve, if this is about Mike Tyson, I’m totally over it.
SA:  No.  It’s not.
SM:  You son of a bitch, are you EVER going to apologize for that?!
SA:  Listen, Shawn, I saw your ad in WWE Magazine and….
SM:  Woah!  I’m so flattered!  I…I never thought that YOU would be my prince charming to take me to the big dance!
SA:  ….
SM:  You’re not here to take me to the big dance are you?
SA:  My team sucks, Shawn.  I need a better team.  Will you be on my team.
SM:  Aw…shucks, Steve, I though you’d never ask.

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Lita is backstage complaining about a headache.  Matt’s heard THAT one before.  Speaking of, here’s Matt and Jeff.

MH:  The Hardy Boyz and the Case of the Missing Mattitude commences!
JH:  Where’d you go, dude?  I can’t find you!!
MH:  I know.  After the last PPV, I mysteriously disappeared!
LL:  You’re RIGHT THERE, Matt.
JH:  Praise be Imagi for Lita Librarian!
MH:  Now to solve the case of who attacked Lita Librarian!
LL:  It was Molly Holly and Gail Kim.  Don’t you guys pay ANY attention?
MH:  To what?
LL:  Ugh.  Nothing.  Just…nothing.  Are you going to transfer to RAW and invite me to the big dance or not?  See because Chris Tian….
MH:  Chris Tian?  That fiend!  Come on, Jeff, I know who attacked Lita, and it’s time for the VeeeeeeeeeOnnnnnnneeeeUH to lay some Smackdown!
JH:  Cool, man, but if we some body paint, I’m stopping for a bite.

The Hardyz leave.  Enter Christian.

CT:  Lita, we have to stop seeing each other like this!
LL:  Like what?
CT:  During all these lame comedy sketches.  It’s really putting a burden on my macking to have to follow up the comic stylings of Laurel and Hardy Hardy there.
LL:  You think that’s bad, I have to search for clues for them.

Here’s LaBron James who I heard was a pretty good basketball player.  Good luck, LeBron, I’m sure you have a bright future in Not Cleveland.

Maven v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair)

Batista questions the intelligence of fighting The Rock at this point in his comeback, but Flair has a plan!  Replace the WWE’s regular The Rock with Maven.  Lets watch and se if anybody notices.  Yes, Batista notices, as he has a noticeably less difficult time getting Maven to job to him.  Good work, Triple Naitch!

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Kane is backstage with an ambulance.  He begins to squeeze the tires and make out with the exhaust pipe.  “Baby,” he says, “I was going to ask Shane, but I really really want YOU to go to the dance with me.  Then, we can go to my place, and play “Honk that Horn” all night long.  You won’t mistreat me like all those OTHER vehicles did.  Shane’s gonna be so jealous, he’s gonna dump the corn oil bitch and come straight back to me.  I mean…crap…baby…don’t drive off!  No!  I LOVE YOU!  Call me!”  Kane pouts and then jumps into his Dream Casket.

In his Dream Casket, he is being taken to the hospital while George Clooney and The Fat Kid from TV’s Head of the Class load him into the waiting bay of an ambulance, where Shane McMahon waits so that they can drive into a Semi together.  Aw.  Dream on, big guy.

Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade are standing around backstage.

MJ:  We’ve been getting a lot of TV exposure lately.  Do you think it’s because of the dropkicks?
GC:  Totally.
MJ:  We should do more of those then.  Hey, it helped us beat La Resistance.  And Randy Orton.  And…well…it didn’t really help us beat HHH.
GC:  Nothing can help us beat HHH.
MJ:  Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Say, let’s go get the tag team titles.
GC:  That’d be great.  Now that my feud with Hulk Hogan is over, I can be a WWE Tag Team Champion.
MJ:  Dude, you’re not even Jeff Jarrett.
GC:  So I didn’t take the country music world by storm?
MJ:  *sigh*  Let’s go.

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Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade v. The Dudley Boyz
Not for the WWE Tag Team Titles

Guess this isn’t their week.  Early in the match, Reverend D-Von gets bleeped for saying “Goddammit kids, can you do any other moves than that frickin’ dropkick?!”, because honestly, the answer is no.  Cade’s lip must think it’s still Halloween because it wears a CRIMSON MASK!!!~!  Everything else is going swimmingly, until Scott Steiner is out with My Darling Stacy.  Someone got a little whiff of continuity if they remembered all the way back to a few weeks ago that these two were still connected.  Scott picks Stacy up, and The Dudleyz tell him to “Get The Table” first.  Excuse me, I have to go make a run in.  Ok.  After I low blowed Steiner, the Dudz got sad and Jindrak rolled up D-Von for the Big Win!!  They learned a new move, the old “The Other Team watches as Scott Steiner gets Low Blowed”.  That used to be Well Dunn’s finisher.  Not that anyone would know.

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Austin got HIS gold necklace from Brian Pillman, you can get YOURS from Shopzone.com.

A table?  A Contract Signing Table?  Oh, man!  I hope somebody gets the table shoved into their stomach…TONIGHT!  Eric Bischoff and Steve Austin sit on opposite sides, but before they can get to the contract signing, Bischoff decides to announce the final member of his team…RANDY ORTON~!

SA:  Randy Orton.
EB:  Well, I felt kind of bad for you.  I wanted you to be able to get at least one elimination, and even Mark Henry and Chris Tian are kind of iffy.
SA:  Well, that’s nice of you.
EB:  I figured, “what the hell”.  It’s not like it’s hurting anyone.  Well…except Orton.
SA:  Ha!
RO:  HEY!  I did make Shawn Michaels fall over once, you guys.
EB:  You also hold the RAW record for consecutive weeks Pedigreed.
SA:  Just barely beating out Spike Dudley.
EB:  Just remember one thing though, Austin.  DTA.
SA:  Don’t Travel with Albert?
RO:  Delightful Ticklish Armadillos?
EB:  I always thought it meant Denver Tool Armada.  I thought you might like some tools to build a new barn in your off time.
SA:  Actually, in my book, The Stone Cold Tooth (available at Shopzone.com and fine airports everywhere), you learn that it means “Dig Trenches, Anvil”.  We were SO mean to Jim Neidhart.
EB:  What would you do with the trenches then?
SA:  Oh, after the show we’d throw some mid-level jobbers in there and tell ol’ Who to fill them back in.
RO:  So THAT’S what happened to Tito Santana.
SA:  Yeah.  That was in Detroit.
EB:  Wait a minute…you were in Texas at that time.
SA:  Yeah…yeah…I stole that story from Dynamite Kid’s book.  The only person who noticed was Benoit, who threatened to German me.  Settled down after a puddin’ pop though.
RO:  Any other fake stories in there?
SA:  I stole “What” from RVD.  His idea for a character was that he was going to come out so stoned out of his mind that he didn’t know what anybody was saying and so he’d constantly ask people to repeat themselves.
EB:  Huh.

The crowd all gives Austin the middle finger for being so honest.  TOMMY F’N DREAMER runs out to save Austin, but when Dreamer hugs Austin, Austin pushes the table into Tommy’s stomach.  Thanks for coming out anyway, Tommy.

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Austin is wandering around backstage looking for his vending machine when he is approached by “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.  Dave is an act0r!

DBD:  Uh…GRR!
SA:  What do you want, Dave?
DBD:  I need someone to go to the dance with!  GR!!
SA:  Ugh…Have you tried asking one of the divas?
DBD:  I’d like something I could SMASH!
SA:  I’ve got Debra’s number.
DBD:  She’s OLD!
SA:  You have no idea.
DBD:  Your ideas suck.  GOODBYE!

Val Venis will be playing “Charles Wright” in WWE RAW:  The Movie.  Starring Jim Ross as himself and Gilbert Gottfried as Jerry Lawler.  “PUPPIES!”

Lance Storm (w/ Lance Storm) v. Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda)

The Lances are off Austin’s team because Austin doesn’t have two spots, and he doesn’t know which Lance is a better wrestler.  J.R. mentions that the guy in make-up is arguably more manly, but the pants don’t lie.  If you watched Heat (which you don’t, sinner), you’d know that Val is out here to stare at Lance’s junk so that he can make a porno later.  Lance gets the win, and Val’s whores dance around.  This segment just screams “Who the hell else can we put on this show?!”  May I suggest more Kane?

Chris Jericho is backstage with Trish Stratus.  OMG 1337 axt0rz!

CJ:  So…uh….
TS:  Yeah….
CJ:  Hey, there’s a dance.  Are you going?
TS:  Omigodareyougonnaskmetothedance?
CJ:  Huh?
TS:  It’s just like I wrote in my Livejournal every week.  Someday my Canadian would come.  Honestly, I was saving myself for Scott Keith, but….
CJ:  So, you wanna…like…meet at the food court later and neck behind the fake palm tree?
TS:  I would, except that I’ve got a match.  I’m totally teaming with John Hnnrnnr.
JH:  Did somebody just mumble my name?
TS:  Sure did.
CJ:  What’s up with that Little Johnny thing?
TS:  Oh, I saw that!
CJ:  You did?
JH:  Oh yeah, twice today.
TS:  And twice last night too.  Teehee.
CJ:  Grr…The superhero lawn mower, right?
JH:  Oh, sure.  Wink wink, nudge nudge.
CJ:  What the hell is wrong with this show?
TS:  Write your IM on a piece of paper and put it in my locker, and we’ll chat later.  I’ve G two G.  Get it?  L O L.  OMG, I’m talking in chat, I’d better go!
CJ:  Man, I’ve got to pick my affairs better.  What’s Tough Enough Jessie doing?

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There are Cleveland Browns somewhere in the arena, but you wouldn’t know who any of them are, so here’s LeBron again.

Stevie Richards and Victoria v. Trish Stratus and John Hnnrnnr

Poor, Stevie.  He’s just happy to be out there tonight.  Trish and Victoria get into some women’s wrestling action that’s so Crazy Go Nuts that if causes Jericho backstage to switch to ESPN 2.  Ecuadorian Goat Milking, eh?  Oh, man.  That Miguel Utierez is the Michael Jordan of Ecuadorian Goat Milking.  Look at that form!  Holy crap!  Three pails!  A new world record!!!  The village goes wild!!  Meanwhile, John is confused as to why he can’t fight “the little one”.  Stevie hasn’t tagged in yet, silly.  There’s the tag, and John picks up the easy win.  Jericho is too busy backstage doing the “Dance of Great Production” to notice.

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When Coach asks Austin how he feels about somebody nicknamed “Dave Davidson” turning down his advice, Austin says that it makes him feel like refereeing.  Me too.

Sergeant Slaughter tells Kane that Shane sent him a note.  Oooh, now they’re passing notes in class too.  Slaughter tells the maggots to get out of Kane’s zombified corpse, and they come marching out and follow Sarge back to the Joe Headquarters where they’ll get nice office jobs.  Kane reads the note:

Dear Kane,

I think you’re a great guy.  Really.
It’s just that, my wife isn’t really into
me constantly feuding with a zombie.
She’s rich, and you’re not.  No hard feelings
bro.  But I’ll tell you what, let’s take one
last horribly conceived ride together at
Survivor Series.  We’ll both die again and
everything.  What do you say?

Your pal,
Shane

A single tear runs down Kane’s face.

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Bret Hart jobs again!  This will be Bret’s legacy.  The guy who lost a bunch of title matches.

Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long) v. Shawn Michaels
With Special Guest Referee Stone Cold Steve Austin

Henry needs some new music.  This isn’t “The Mack Militant” it’s Mark Henry.  Shawn begins uncontrollably weeping at how far he’s fallen in his career, so Mark stops the match every few minutes to give him a hug.  See, you can’t fool me.  Behind all those dreadlocks and that muscular exterior, there’s a big guy with a heart of gold.  Who likes to have sex with transvestites and his sister.  Theodore Long, conflicted, lets his refereeing personality take control of him, and he ejects himself from the match.  Then he complains the whole way about how “Teddy Long is a whitey playa hater.”  Shawn composes himself enough to hit the super kick.

Austin gets on the mic and says that looking at his watch, they’re 20 minutes short.  Oops.  Get ready for a special edition of Stripperella.  No?  Ok then, what.  Austin tells Shawn to go do whatever he needs to do, so Michaels sprints to the back into the waiting arms of Coach Nash who can make the pain of having to wrestle Mark Henry go away.  Austin calls out Batista, but first, here’s some…

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During the commercial break Austin delighted the crowd with Ric Flair finger puppet theater:

Juliet:  Wooo!  Romeo…ROMEO!  ROMEO BY GAWD MONTEGUE!  Wherefore art THOU?!  WOOOO!
Romeo:  Truly, woo, I was taking your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat boy.  WOOOO!

Dave runs out and begins fighting with Austin.  Austin holds up well, but when Mark Henry joins in the Hosses to Guys with Broken Necks ratio becomes unbalanced.  Suddenly, Goldberg runs out and spears Batista and Henry.  Then, suddenly remembering the ailment that put him out last week, he says, “Oh, God!  My ankle.  It shatters!  I can feel the bones entering my blood stream!  AH!!!  This is the worst pain I’ve experienced since the time I shoved my arm through a car.  Or that OTHER time I shoved my arm through a car.  Ow.  I’m selling.”  Austin offers Goldberg a beer to dull the pain, but Goldberg instead opts to increase it by booking himself in a match next week against Batista.  There the two former pieces of Austinberg sit, staring across the ring, beers in hand and only one question on each man’s mind.  Where the hell was Sting this week?

Next Week:  The Road to Survivor Series becomes a bit bumpier, when it becomes laden with the bodies of guys who have no shot in hell of being on the show.  John Hnnrnnr and Chris Jericho have an epic battle of wits that involves a certain riding lawn mower.  And Steve Austin and Eric Bischoff, their teams complete, panic when they realize that neither or their teams has Nathan Jones.

See you all…THEN!

E-MAIL MATT    
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