by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Lita Version 1 is out and THANK GOD we’re get some promo action to start out the night!  Lita starts to talk about taking Molly Holly to the WWE Formal or something, but Lita’s promo style is sooooo…booooooring….HHH is out with the rest of Evolution to put an end to this crap.

HHH:  Lita, you’ve gone on long enough.  We’re going to bring out a reliever.
LT:  But, I haven’t even hyped up my match at Survivor Series yet.
HHH:  Nobody cares.  Sorry.  Not even all those Hardy Grrlz who drink paint.
LT:  *sigh* I guess you’re right.
HHH:  So, I’m just going to start talking about Goldberg, now.  Bye, Lita.
DBD:  Batista wants to see lady NAKED FIRST!
LT:  Somebody tried this once.  Remember?
HHH:  No.  I’ll give you a nickel if you let Dave here see some boobies.
LT:  Well, when you put it that way.
HHH:  Just kidding, you little tramp.  Now scram.

Poor Lita.  Where’s Chris Tian when you need him?

HHH:  Goldberg, you’re a jerk.  You totally stole my title, and your wedding gift was some oven mitts.  I don’t cook.  What the hell am I going to do with oven mitts?
RF:  Put them on when you’re giving your old lady a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!  WOOOOOO!
HHH:  Uh…Ok, Ric.
RF:  WOOO!
RO:  Can I have the oven mitts if you’re not going to use them?  See there’s this guy Jeb who doesn’t like me, and Kane told me I should make him some cookies and….
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

This brings out Stone Cold Steve Austin.

SA:  NO!  Don’t do that!  Now who ever on my team pins Orton will have to credit you with part of the win.  Quit holding members of team Austin down.
HHH:  No.
SA:  Fair enough.
DBD:  I like cheese SANDWICHES!
RF:  I like Nature Boy Sandwiches, WOOO!
SA:  That’s gross, Ric.  In fact, I’m going to have HHH arrested for letting you talk like that on cable. 

A bunch of guys from the Local Bus Driver Union 318 come down wearing “We’re Security” shirts.  HHH no sells their attempts to hold him down, until STING jumps down from the rafters and hits him with a baseball bat.  The rest of Evolution scatters.  They don’t want none of Sting.

Backstage, Austin is wandering around, when he comes upon Team Bischoff.

CJ:  You’re NEVER going to be Austinberg again, you loser!
CT:  Yeah, what HE said, but more Canadian.  Like with an “eh” at the end or something.
EB:  As you can see, my crack team of guys is much more eloquent than yours!
SS:  Did you just call me an elephant?
MH:  I think he did…that’s mean.  Waaaaaah…
TL:  You made the playa cry.  Why you gotta be hatin’, cracka?
EB:  Elo….

Team Austin interupts.

SM:  I’m jumping for joy at the prospect of Superkicking an elephant!
BRD:  Quit prancing around, dammit, this is a serious promo we’re trying to do here.
DD:  Oh, My Brotha, TESTIFY!
TL:  You’ve fallen into the stereotype of the man, playa.  Buhleedat!
RVD:  Has anyone seen any pickles around here?  Woah, you guys are all in my match.  Weird.
BT:  Except for Randy Orton, who got Pedigreed!  NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT…SUCKAAAAH?!
MH:  Dig what?
TL:  Just the man, tryin’ to get us to do more work, playa.  Buhleedat.
SA:  Eric.  Can we just have another Redneck battle royale?
EB:  Maybe that WOULD be better.

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Chris Tian v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Chris Tian is wearing his working boots tonight, but they’re pink and clash with his outfit.  Note to Christian:  Dude, you seriously need to get some better tights.  Thanks.  He grabs a sign and writes “Lita I LUV U!” on it.  Aw.  If you really loved her though, you would have ran out and gotten beat up by Evolution.  Really.  Instead he just shoves Lillian Garcia over.  This is both hilarious and acceptable.  You’ve won our hearts and minds again, Chris!  For his part in this match RVD spends the entire match fighting against the powers of the WWE by getting on the mic and regaling the crowd with his argument against Shane McMahon using the Van Terminator.  Unfortunately for Rob, he just ends up begging Teddy Long to give him some of those crackers he’s always talking about.  Oh well, Rob, it’s the intent that counts.  Chris gets tired of pushing Lillian and gets into the ring, where RVD, fed up with not getting any crackers, nails him with a chair that he pulled out of his singlet.  RVD WINS!

Shane McMahon is talking to the host at a fine dining establishment.

SM:  Uh…I’m here to eat.
HT:  Do you have any reservations?
SM:  Obviously not if I’ve already agreed to have my balls shocked, throw someone into a fire, ram their limo into the side of a semi, and jump off a sign.
HT:  I meant for the restaurant.  It’s obvious you don’t have any OTHER reservations.
SM:  Oh.  No.
HT:  Well, I’m sorry, sir.  But we’re all booked up.  How about Next Week on RAW?
SM:  Next week’s too late.  I’m planning on either me or my guest being in the hospital next week.  Come on man, you let my camera crew and sound guys in.
HT:  Yes, but they made reservations.
CG:  Good chili.
HT:  Thank you kindly Mr. Camera Guy.
SM:  How about if I slip you one of my Shane McMahon jerseys (available now at Shopzone.com)?
HT:  Well, that IS a $45 value, and far be it from me to stop the progress of this angle.
SM:  Great.  Thanks.
CG:  You really should have called ahead, Shane.
SM:  You know what?  Shut up.

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Jonathan Coachman is out in his Yankees Coach 19:18 Shirt.  I LOVE the book of Coach.  “And Coach sayeth unto Al, Lo!  Tommy Dreamer cometh from the mountain of Hardcore, and smote the Jobber.”  Apocryphal my ass.  That was divine inspiration.  He tells Lillian that everybody has finally decided that the days of her getting everybody’s name wrong are over, and that she should go home to Spain.  Lillian thanks One Half of theWWE Tag Team Champion Coach for his time, and walks back.  As she is doing so, fellow quasi-European Rene Dupre gives her the secret European handshake, which neither of them know how to do.  So they just end up slapping eachother.  Actually, that sounds about right, now that I think about it.  I’m SO out of practice.

Rosey and the Hurricane v. Rene Dupree and Rob Conway

Rene prances around the ring, obviously hoping for a return of the Shawn Michaels Dance Dance World Title.  Don’t hold your breath.  Actually, do.  That would be really funny.  Rosey tries to join in, thinking that Rene is auditioning to join him and Shannon Moore in the retooled Three Count, however, Rene is just prancing because he’s Canadian (to my Canadian readers:  Don’t argue, you know it’s true.  Shawn Michaels, on the other hand, has no excuse).  I’m going to hold MY breath so that I can pass out and miss the rest of this match.  Oh, never mind.  I don’t have the force of will.  Isn’t this a storyline from Heat?  What the hell?  Conway craps out a SUV, which Hurricane tries to fight off because it is endangering the planet.  His enemy distracted, Conway rolls Hurricane up for the easy win.

Terri is backstage with The Hardy Boyz and Lita Librarian

MH:  Another case for the VeeeeeOnnneeeUHhhhh?!
JH:  Let ME name the case this time, man!
MH:  Ugh…Fine.
JH:  Uh…The Hardy Boyz and the Case…the Case of the Uh…Big Boobies?  Hahahahaha!
MH:  Jeff, we’ve got to take our detectiving SERIOUSLY.
JH:  Come on, you and Lita ALWAYS get to name the cases.
MH:  Fine.  Mam, you reported your wrestling ability stolen?
TR:  I never HAD any.  Why am I booked in a match?
H:  AH!
JH:  Didn’t we try to win you in a match once?
TR:  Yes.  Wow!  That’s a pretty good memory you have there, Jeffery.
JH:  What?  I’m sorry, I zoned out because Imagi was trying to tell me where the paint was.  I’m listening, Imagi, but I’m not HEARING you?  Understand, dude?
MH:  We’ll find your abilities, lady.  They probably just got mixed in with the jock straps.  Jeff!  To the Jock Strap-Mobile!
JH:  I’m WAY ahead of you.
LL:  Oh for Pete’s Sake.  Guys, wait up.
EB:  Not so fast Lita.
LL:  What?
EB:  I never got to see some boobie when I fired you.
LL:  Yeah, so?
EB:  I just wanted to let you know that I actually still remember that.  Uhh…Carry on.

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Chris Jericho tries to hype up Team Bischoff.  It doesn’t work very well.

CJ:  Chris Tian!  You’re the best!  Putting you in this match gives it TWO Canadians, forcing Scott Keith to at least give us ***.  Surely in the great scheme of things this will mean something.  And your name is not at all stupid.
CT:  I hear you.  Lita says she only does Canadians who average ** or better.  Me and Test are right on the CUSP man.  Wait…HEY!
CJ:  Never mind.  Scott “Chains for Brains” Steiner.  You truly are a chains for brains.
SS:  Thanks man.  You really got my character down pat.  I’m gonna show you my peaks, and my freaks!
CJ:  Uh…maybe later.  Mark Henry.  You are fat.  And black.  And stupid.  Truly the inclusion of you on our team encompasses many minorities.  You are truly a token character added to this match.
MH:  I hear you.  I don’t necessarily understand you.  But I hear you.
JH:  I know how THAT feels.
TL:  Buhleedat!

Randy Orton enters.

RO:  Ow.  Sorry guys.  I was off selling that Pedigree.
CJ:  Randy Orton.  Everybody hates you.  Everybody.  Even us.  Go the hell away.
RO:  But I add depth and youth to the team!
CJ:  I swear to you, if you aren’t eliminated within the first three seconds, I will eliminate you myself.
RO:  Just so long as I don’t get Pedigreed.
TL:  You are one stupid cracka.
RVD:  Goddammit, give me one of those!

Val Venis comes down the hall with Two Strippers.  Val wants them to see their dates for the big WWE formal that he’s inviting them to.  It’s Lance Storms’ Penises.  I can’t believe that we’re doing this angle.  I mean, really.  The twin Storms couldn’t be happier to have an angle which showcases their true talents.

Over at the restaurant, a waiter asks Shane what he wants to eat, but Shane defers to wait until Kane shows up.  May I suggest the “EZ Mac and Ramen”?  This table needs more Kane.

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Seriously, guys.  What’s Howard Finkel doing?  What do you mean “Playing Checkers with TOMMY F’N DREAMER?  That Dreamer does love his Checkers.

Lita and Terri v. Molly Holly and Gail Kim

Lita Fact:  Lita’s book is doing so well, a sequel is in the works.
Lita Fact:  It will be called “Another Book About Mick Foley” By Mick Foley.

Gail asks Molly before the match if she will be ok, seeing as her cousin died and all, and Molly says I’m doing this one for YOU, big guy, and jobs to Pete Gas.  *sniff*  We’ll miss you Hardcore Holly.  Er…wait…no.  The Other Guy.  Lita is so overcome with emotion at this amazing display of a tribute to a fallen comrade that she lets Terri start the match.  Goodie.  Terri pulls out her gigantic supercomputer, and tries to figure out the best way for her to win this match.  Unfortunately, all it spits out is “Michael Wallstreet is da bomb” and “Nobody can beat the York Foundation, except maybe everyone, but that’s not as important as an empowering statement”.  Guess she should have invested in a better computer?  Actually, my computer is, like, space age and all it does is let me type and steal music, it doesn’t give me ANY advice in winning matches.  Maybe there’s an Excel program or something she could whip up.  What was I talking about?  A match?  Oh.  Seeing that there’s no hope for her without Mr. Wallstreet, she tags out to Lita, who suddenly gets a case of the jobbers and gets pinned by Molly.  The computer spits out one last ticker tape “Don’t tag out to Lita”.  Oops.  Molly and Gail spend the rest of the match taking Terri’s dress off, because I guess, Vince McMahon hates me.  Lawler starts screaming about the return of Howler Monkey to RAW.  Chris Tian could not be reached for comment on Lita’s loss.

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Shawn Michaels v. Randy Orton

These two have met before, and that time, Randy got the win when Shawn wrestled himself into such a frenzy that he fell right over, working perfectly into Orton’s plan.  Shawn tries to counter this immediately by telling Randy that this time he will NOT fall over.  Orton is freaked out that Shawn knows his strategy and he goes into hysterics and grabs a chair.  Shawn takes the chair and hits Randy with it.  Earl Hebner shrugs and says, “Well, I let you get away with it THIS time Shawn, but only because it’s Randy Orton.”  HBK WINS!  This was as crazy go nuts as a match between an old crippled guy and a young bland guy can get!  On a scale of 1 to Exciting, this was a definite “Meatball Sub”.

Kane shows up at the restaurant in a SWEATER!  HOLY CRAP!  KANE BOUGHT A SWEATER!!!  I can’t imagine THAT conversation at Sears.

KN:  I need a sweater.  I like black.
Sales Girl Kate:  Why are you wearing bondage pants, leather boots and nothing else.
KN:  I like pain.
SGK:  Man, I wish my boyfriend was more like that.  I want to be naughty, you know?
KN:  I like to hurt old ladies.
SGK:  TOTALLY!  Man!  I can’t believe it!  I’ve found by big bald, weird eyed soulmate here at SEARS!
KN:  I’m already seeing someone.  Actually two people.  An ambulance and a spoiled millionaire boy.
SGK:  Too bad.
Sales Guy Ricardo:  You’re living the dream, sweetheart.
SGK:  Mmmhmm!
KN:  I want a sweater.  Something flame resistant, ok?
SGR:  Oh, you don’t want to go black, honey.  You’re a definite summer.  Try a green.  It’ll really set off your…eye.
KN:  Can I get something with some little monkeys on it?
SGK:  Oh that is SO CUTE!
KN:  Shane won’t be able to resist me at that big dance now.
SGR:  He’ll definitely see the softer side of Sears.

Remind me never to shop there again.

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At the restaurant:

SM:  So that’s why we can’t see each other any more.  It’s not you, it’s me!  And Marissa.
KN:  It’s been two minutes two seconds.  Where’s my veal?
SM:  Kane, I think you and the ambulance will go great together at the dance.  And you’ve got that hot new green monkeys sweater.
KN:  I’m going to go chokeslam some staff.
SM:  Kane, tell me, what do you want out of Life?
KN:  To chokeslam stuff…and burn some stuff….
SM:  Deeper than that?
KN:  I really like hurting old people.  Tombstoning your mom really got me off.
Patron:  Why I never!  Howard, let’s go.  We’ll never eat at this restaurant again!
SM:  I KNEW I should have taken that table in the psycho killers section.
KN:  They wouldn’t let me use a butter knife.
SM:  So, how’s your brother doing?
KN:  Feuding with your dad.
SM:  Heh.  We’re a really messed up group aren’t we?
KN:  Yes, now please pass the breadsticks…OF PAIN!
SM:  Do you want some butter on those buns?

Kane rolls his eyes.  More restaurants should serve breadsticks of pain.  Almost as good as that cheese bread stuff you get at Red Lobster.

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The Dudley Boyz v. Mark Henry and Scott Steiner (w/ My Darling Stacy

My Darling Stacy is just out here to boost my morale, I think.  I wonder is she’s gotten me my birthday present yet.  God, I hope it’s not Scotch Tape like last year.  That Stacy is a looker, but she’s not much in the smarts department.  Teddy Long points out Mark Henry’s Total Package.  OMG!  The WWE scooped TNA in bringing in both Sting AND Luger.  Lance Storm should sue for gimmick infringement.  Let’s get off of this subject and back onto Stacy.  Ah.  While I’m staring at Stacy, somebody wins the match.  Oh, it was the Dudleyz, but only by DQ.  I think Steiner is just mad that Austin never called any of HIS team elephants.  Backstage, Jindrak and Cade practice their dropkicks.

Eric Bischoff asks how Austin feels on his last night of RAW.  A little hung over, his knees hurt, and he thinks he forgot to set his tape to tape Columbo.  Dammit, Austin.  I was counting on you, man!

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Chris Jericho is yelling at some production girl for not getting him water fast enough.  She tells him that HHH was holding down the cover to the water cooler, and she couldn’t get him to move until he accidentally tore his quad and limped off.  Jericho should have known better anyway, this girl is obviously no Tough Enough Jessie.  Trish has watched this whole debacle unfold.

TS:  You should be nicer to random staff people  Especially the ones without names.
CJ:  No way.  It’s not like I’ll see them again for another 2-5 months.
TS:  That’s true.
CJ:  I really want to fire Austin.
TS:  I wonder how Chris Tian feels that Eric Bischoff, for whom he is now fighting wants to fire Lita, whose affection he is currently trying to win.
CJ:  Yeah.  It seems almost counter productive.
TS:  Yeah….
CJ:  Yeah….
TS:  So, I got your text message:  “MEET ME @ LCKR PLZ”, what did you want?
CJ:  Uh…I totally need a date for the big WWE dance, and uh….
TS:  You’re going to ask me to go with you?
CJ:  Actually I was wondering how you felt I should best approach the Ambulance?
TS:  ….
CJ:  Oh, who am I kidding, I’ve got no shot with that.  You wanna go?
TS:  Well…You’re probably the best I’m gonna get, so sure.
CJ:  Yeah.  We’re starcrossed lovers, you and I.
TS:  Just don’t start squeezing my boobies and yelling “Honk”, and we’ll do fine.
CJ:  Dam…I mean, ok, sweetie.

Tazz and Michael Cole are LOST!  Help them find their way in WWE Top Announcer Challenge, only for the Game Boy Advance.

Booker T is reading his copy of “WWE Scripted”, which is filled with pictures of wrestlers reading their scripts.  John Hnnrnnr makes his big RAW appearance!

BT:  Go away.
JH:  I want to buy a book for little Johnny.
BT:  Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear.  GO AWAY.
JH:  I was thinking, how about “Another Freaking Old Wrestler Book” by George Steele?
BT:  Go.  Away.
JH:  I found this package when I was searching through your stuff.
BT:  …Give me that.

It reads “I still Remember”.  Remember what?  Who’s it from?  Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks?  Shawn Michaels still harping on the nWo angle?  Stevie Ray for not stealing Fruit Booty and Sad Sack Cracka Jack?  Steve Austin for injuring him?  Vince Russo reminiscing about G.I. Bro?  Scott Steiner?  Chris Benoit?  Mydnyte?  Paisley?  Dave Thomas from beyond the grave?  Wait a minute…This angle isn’t going to lead to Booker T and Jennifer Love Hewitt being chased around by the Gordon's Fisherman, is it? 

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Booker T v. Chris Jericho

Lawler speculates that it was Booker’s parole officer.  Man, if this leads to the return of Big Bossman as Booker’s parole officer, the circle of awesomeness will be complete.  Meanwhile, there’s a match afoot, which, if Zach Gowen were on this show or ever wrestled may be a clever pun.  But, the match, such as it is, features no clever puns, but literally minutes of back and forth action.  It was like watching a tennis match, except without the skinny British guy telling the audience to shut up.  Maybe Regal sent the note.  “I still remember…when you peed in my tea.”  “That wasn’t me, sucka, that was Jericho.”  “Aw hell.  Sorry about that, old chap.”  This calls for a Hardy Boyz segment, but I already wrote one of those.  Jericho tries for a finisher that Booker will sell, but hits the Lionsault instead.  Booker rolls Jericho up, but the forces of Team Bischoff run down to beat him up.  Team Austin makes the save by running down to the ring and yelling “Free Kit Kats to the first five customers backstage.”  Everybody loves Kit Kats.  Coach sees through their dirty tricks and uses his heretofore unmentioned judging powers to award the match to Jericho.  The Dudley Boyz don’t like this invasion of a plot hole, and hit the 3-D on Coach.  Maybe NOW we’ll get Howard?  Lillian again?  Feh.

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J.R. tries to say that Crash Holly died, but can only get out “Crash…Hardly Ride” before he realizes that he doesn’t HAVE to say anything about it.  That was very poetic though, however unintentional.

Goldberg v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

For a guy with the “Biggest Match in His Career” happening on Sunday, Goldberg sure has been on the show.  Batista targets the ankle to start things out, but Goldberg quickly reverses things by targeting Batista’s week spot.  A love of licorice.  Batista can’t get enough of that stuff.  While Batista is enjoying his tasty treat, Goldberg hits the Spear and hops around on one foot to show he means business.  HHH comes out, however, having bought off the bus driver’s union and Sting for so many nickels, and attempts a Pedigree.  However, Goldberg is having none of this Pedigree nonsense.  If HHH isn’t going to sell his gift, Goldberg isn’t going to sell HHH’s pedigree.  You know, maybe Goldberg should have sent HHH a Goldberg Bop-It.  I know I love mine.  HHH goes out to get the can of Tutti Fruitti YJ Stinger Bees and his trusty sledgehammer, but Goldberg has this move scouted and hits the Spear!  He grabs the Stinger and teleports all the way to Survivor Series.

Next Week:  Survivor Series Fallout occurs as Steve Austin, able to beat people up again, attacks Lawler to shut him up.  Terri turns the York Foundation computer into a dating machine which sorts people out for the big dance, Will Molly and Theodore Long enjoy being a couple?  I guess YES!  Also, The big dance is ON, who will dance the Macarena?  Not me.

Wait…Goldberg won the final confrontation before the PPV.  Aw…crap.

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