by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Night:  Steve Austin lost a match of some sort, in which he didn’t participate, eliminating the chance that we’ll ever see Austinberg again.  Kane finally found a way to give BOTH shows more of him.  Molly got a big win over Lita.  What does it all mean?  Honestly, who cares? 

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff begins the show by trying to rid it of any evidence of Austin’s presence.  Man, trust me, don’t try it.  The last time they did that, they ended up giving him an award.  Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, Mark Henry, and Scott Steiner are all standing in the ring, patiently waiting for Bischoff to shut up and give them the goodie bags they were promised when they signed up for Team Bischoff.  Steiner is REALLY hoping he gets a popcorn ball.  However, the ceremony of the treats is interrupted by Evolution who are walking to the ring with PURPOSE!  That purpose…getting to the ring, I suppose.  Maybe we’ll learn when HHH gets on the mic!

HHH:  Guys, we made it!  We’re in the ring!
RF:  Woo!  This is the single greatest accomplishment in my career!  They should make another DVD!
EB:  Is there something you guys wanted?
HHH:  Uh…I don’t know.  You got any ponies?  I think Dave wants a pony.
DBD:  I like to ride HORSES!
HHH:  Sure.  Whatever.  Just shut up and let me handle the negotiations.
EB:  While I’m thankful to Evolution because, of all fricking people, RANDY ORTON won the match last night, I’m not giving nobody a pony.
CJ:  Dammit, that was my wish.
CT:  Mine too.
MH:  Mine too.
SS:  What’s everybody lookin’ at me for?  My wish was for a bag of Skittles.
EB:  Be that as it may, HHH is there anything ELSE you wanted?
RO:  Shouldn’t I get to pick, I mean after all….
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  And here’s ANOTHER one for wearing such a stupid ass sweatsuit last week.  Eric, all I really want to do is to hold down Goldberg, is that so wrong?
EB:  No, and I think I might know how to arrange that….

… 

…

CT:  Man, this is uncomfortable.
CJ:  Yeah, are you going to finish that thought?
EB:  I was hoping I could just trail off and think of something over the ad break.
TL:  Way to go there, whitey.  You’re sucking up the air time, buhleedat.
EB:  How about I just grant your wishes.  One by one.  NO PONIES!
CJ:  I want a make out scene with Trish!
SS:  Skittles.  Dammit.
MH:  Ballet lessons.
TL:  What?!  Oh, playa.  Here’s your chance to stop whitey, and you wish for ballet?
MH:  I just wanted to dance!  Why wouldn’t you let me dance, daddy?!
EB:  Uh…Hunter?
HHH (From Randy Orton via a PEDIGREE TO ORTON):  To hold down Goldberg.
CT:  To have Lita be not fired.
EB:  Huh?
CT:  I don’t get it either, but I said it, so I stick by it.

Will their wishes come true…TONIGHT?!  Probably…I dunno about the Skittles, but everything else seems pretty reasonable.

(ads)

Booker T v. Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

I see they have Shelton Benjamin working security tonight.  Nice to see him doing something useful.  Henry tries pirouetting around the ring and Booker doesn’t quite know how to counter this new addition to the Henry moveset.  Fortunately for Booker, it’s not much of an addition.  Henry trips over his dreadlocks, and Booker rolls him up, puts his foot on the ropes, pulls the tights and rubs salt in Mark’s eyes for the victory.  Uh…Heel turn by Booker?  Teddy Long is outraged at yet another minority turning heel.  This match makes me wonder if Booker still remembers.  The writers, apparently, do not.

(ads)

La Resistance v. Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade

Dropkicks ho!  The opening moments of the match are dominated by a surprising amount of Dropkickless action as all four men are obviously saving themselves for their inevitable Heat match down the road.  Cade stops the match to announce that unlike La Resistance he’s proud to be “J-E-Double F J…” at which point Jindrak grabs the mic and dedicates the match to all the military folks out there.  The military is represented tonight by White Tazz, who is Smackdown’s Orange Tazz’ little brother.  Times were crazy around Moma Tazz’ home whenever little Orange would try to lock little White in a baby-sized Tazzmission, and little White would respond by launching missiles at Orange’s strategic bunkers.  That was truly a simpler time.  But I digress.  Things get crazy go nuts as Cade and Jindrak hit the DROPKICK~!  That is their move, so they win.  I’ve reached dropkick Nirvana.  That should be their catchphrase.  “Get Ready for Dropkick Nirvana!” they could say.  I would buy a T-Shirt.

Maven and Shawn Michaels are backstage asking TOMMY F’N DREAMER how he got to be such an awesome wrestler.  Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy!

(ads)

J.R. is too busy pouting to ask Shawn how he felt about Stone Cold’s departure or the gaping hole in his head, so Bischoff runs in to break the interview up.  Eric says that he’s brought these here Local Indy Wo…I Mean Police to make sure that Shawn stays at least 50 feet away from the building’s Dance Dance Revelations game, lest Shawn never leave.  Shawn skulks away.  Sting drops from the ceiling and begins to play.  200 points!  Keep at it, Stinger!

At this point I’d like to note that The Ambulance has the same theme song as Scott Steiner.  Speaking of The Ambulance, in a SHOCKING SWERVE~! Shane left with the Ambulance for the big dance, turning HEEL on Marissa and leaving Kane to cry himself to sleep.  Well, until he beat up Undertaker, that is.  Speaking of The Undertaker, he is on Smackdown, which is where Kane will be, thereby assuring that Smackdown finally gets MORE KANE!  See how I did that?  It’s called transitions.  I had to point that out for all you Rob Van Dam fans out there.  I know you’re not used to those.

My Darling Stacy works a great Fruit Punch YJStinger Product Placement angle as Test and Steiner mumble.

TT:  Come on, dude, Skittles?!  We could have gotten a tag title shot, what’s that aboot?!
SS:  Shut up.  I’ll do whatever I feel like, if I want to freak my peaks, well then I’ll peak with my freaks and title the Dudley tables and there’s not a thing you can do about it you pencil nosed geek.  So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hookup, Holla if you hear me!
TT:  What the hell are you talking aboot?
MDS:  WOOO!  I’M DRUNK!  I’m going to teleport to Smackdown!

Test stops that however, by spraying Stacy’s drink with Raid.  Steiner grabs it and drinks it anyway.  That crazy Steiner.  Dead bees are better than no bees at all, I guess.

(ads)

Ric Flair (w/ Randy Orton) v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Rob silently fights the system by including one transition in this match.  See if you can find where it is.  It’s like where’s Waldo, but without the creepy candy cane guy!  Rob better be careful or else he might alienate his fanbase.  Bischoff, mindful of this, has Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks tell Rob not to hit the Five Star Frog Splash tonight to REALLY show that he is a commander of his own fate.  Of course if he DOES follow Bischoff’s advice he listens to authority and undercuts his position, but if he does the Five Star, he is doing exactly what is expected of him, which is hardly rebellious behavior.  While Van Dam’s glazed over mind tries to solve this moral quandary, Ric Flair amuses himself by chopping his own pecs and watching his manboobs jiggle.  Orton provides the following commentary, “Look it’s Triple Naitch!  I’m pretty.  I’m REALLY PRETTY!  I’m pretty, right, J.R.?  Jerry?  Anybody?  Seriously, e-mail me at [email protected] and tell me if you think I’m pretty.  I was thinking about making an internet poll, but HHH told me that the only people who vote in those things are 13 year old Internet nerds.  They wouldn’t know pretty if it hit them in the face, which I would.  SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY NEW HAIR CUT!”  Rob snaps to and yells “I can and I will hit the Five Star!”  Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?  In this sentence, transition.  There you have it.  What a rebel.  Rob’s sudden declaration freaks out Flair who starts beating the hell out of Goldust.  As a result, RVD wins by DQ.  Orton runs down and grabs the IC title and says, “The Intercontinental Title thinks I’m pretty!  Don’t you baby?  Yes you do!  PRETTY TO ORTON!!”

Backstage, Coach wanders past Suga Rosey and Hurricane who are discussing the rumor that Shannon Moore is in the building, which leads to Hurricane rebuking Rosey for trying to schedule Teen Idol classes.  Coach runs into Bischoff who says that he’s going to try the RAW Roulette thing again next week in Salt Lake City.  Which is not Vegas, so it really kind of defeats the charm of the whole roulette thing.  But there’s sure to be Mormons, so a good time is to be had by some.

(ads)

It’s time for a Highlight Reel!  It’s been a long time since we had one of these.  Lita Version 1 is the guest, and she’d like to know why the hell Jericho and Chris Tian have suddenly taken an interest in the goings on of the Women’s Division when nobody else has.  The Hardy Boyz are out to investigate!

MH:  Finally, I got traded to RAW for some mini chicken kievs!  Now we can investigate full time!
JH:  Well, except on weeks when I have to work on the volcano.
MH:  Shut up, Jeff.  Now on to the Case of the Hardy Boyz and the All Too Jovial Jericho!
CJ:  Hey!
JH:  Maybe Lita Librarian should research in my pants!
MH:  Hey!
JH:  Imagi made me say that!
MH:  Well…whatever.  What’s important is the investigation.  Lita, can I ask you a question?
LL:  Sure, Matt.  TeeHee.
MH:  Take my hand.  Lita, will you ma….

Hey!  It’s Molly…HOLY CRAP!!  Molly Holly has completely morphed into Stephanie McMahon.  Complete with corrupt management, questionable title reign, underdog chase by Lita, Hardy involvement, and terrible, terrible hair.  All this feud needs now is a match refereed by The Rock.  All we’re getting tonight is Lita/Matt v. Molly/Bischoff.  Which of course raises the question “Isn’t Matt a Heel?” which raises the question “Where’s Shannon Moore” which raises the answer “Velocity”.  Of course, all of this pales to the overarching question over this segment which is “What the hell?”

Note:  Matt Hardy is now running in DOS.  Perhaps the WWE needs a patch?

(ads)

Eric is pissed.  He didn’t even bring his karate costume to fight in tonight.  Molly mentions that this is the perfect way to fire Lita, to which Eric responds “Oh, that makes perfect sense.  No, wait it doesn’t.  Quit booking matches you little hussy.”  HHH wanders over and threatens Bischoff for calling his wife a hussy.  Bischoff gives in.  Chris Tian’s plan is coming together.

Scott Steiner and Test (w/ My Darling Stacy) v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

The story of the match is that everybody loves the Dudleyz’ new yellow and black outfits.  Despite the fact that they make Bubba look like a particularly fat bee.  Maybe that’s the gimmick they’re going for here.  Test and Steiner aren’t fairing very well, and try to get Stacy involved, but my girl’s not going to listen to guys that are quite obviously not me.  Lawler gets a laugh by attempting a swig of continuity by saying that Stacy debuted with the Dudleyz.  Sorry, Jerry.  Nice try, but if you check, that one’s “stupidity”.  Thanks for playing, though.  The Dudleyz retain after they quickly get tired of fighting these two guys.

Lita asks Matt to finish his “big question”.

MH:  Uh…sure…will you ma….
JH:  Dude, do you see that monitor?  We’re like, totally on TV!  Hi, Jeff!
MH:  Jeff, I’m in the middle of something.
JH:  Yeah, the frame.
LL:  Just keep going.
MH:  You know what, I’m just going to go stand over there instead.
JH:  Totally!

Exit Jeff and Matt, enter Trish:

TS:  So did Matt ask you anything yet?
LL:  No, not yet. 
TS:  I bet he’s going to ask you to the big dance!  OMG!
LL:  I think it’s more serious than THAT!
TS:  Like to marry him?
LL:  DAMMIT!  Now that you’ve said it, it’ll end in a shocking swerve.
TS:  Oopsie.  Hope you don’t get beat up.  Oh well.  Toodles.

(ads – Ric Flair, the Ultimate Collection.  One DVD Wrestling, Two DVDs of him calling everyone in the industry “Fat Boy” and insinuating that he has slept with their mothers/wives/both)

Molly Holly and Eric Bischoff v. Lita and Matt Hardy Version 1

Eric is out in his suit, which is funny, because I thought he’d at least switch back to the leather jacket for a match of this caliber.  Mid-match, after fending off Eric Bischoff’s Boobie Groper finisher, Lita goes for the tag, but Matt wanders off!  Oh no!  Bischoff gets the win!  Lita is fired (except she’s not).  She asks Matt why he’d ever abandon her?

MH:  Well, I WAS going to ask you if you would manicure my nails, but obviously the Women’s Title means more to you than Matt Hardy’s nails.  You can go to the dance by yourself!  Shannon Moore is twice the woman you are. 
LT:  No!  No!  Don’t make me go and sleep with Christian
MH:  Ew.  That IS a gross couple.  Uh.  Maybe I SHOULD rethink this.  Ah, screw it.  I’ve already seen your boobies, it’s time to share the wealth.

(ads)

JR:  Lita is going through one of the most difficult moments of her life.  Now she can have it immortalized from 22 different camera angles, and in slow motion.  Here’s some of the highlights from what we like to call, “Lita, you’re a dumb dumb woman.”

Val Venis (w/ Lance Storm and the bevy…well two women) v. Rico (w/ Jackie)

Hey!  I don’t review Heat.  So, I’m not going to review this match.  HA!  For those of you who are curious, Val wins after Jackie falls out of her bra (that’s his move!).  Lance Storm has a PENIS.  PENIS PENIS PENIS!  GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM GUYS AND/OR GIRLS!

OMG PENIS!

Lita is backstage trying very hard not to think of penis, Lance Storm’s or otherwise, when a total dick steps out.

LT:  Chris Tian, I don’t have time for this.  I just got fired and my boyfriend broke up with me.
CT:  I got you rehired, and I’m ready to grope on your command.
LT:  Really?  That’s sweet.  The first part I mean.
CT:  Hey, I have a deep character.
LT:  Are you going to ask me to go to the big dance tonight?
CT:  Uh…sure.
LT:  …
CT:  …
LT:  I’ll see you then.
CT:  Bring your own corsage.  I’m not paying for no blue flower.
LT:  Ooooookaaaaay…
CT:  Is that a dog?
LT:  Yeah.  His name is Buster.  Say “Hi”, Buster.
CT:  Yeah…Hey, I’ve got to go.  See you tonight, and don’t forget to leave Buster…uh…somwhere else.

(ads)

Randy Orton is trying to tell Evolution about the time when he made Dallas Maverick’s Owner Mark Cuban fall over, but Evolution is too busy not paying attention to pay attention.

RO:  Guys, seriously.  Maybe I AM a legend killer, and it’s not just some tacky nickname.  I’m like the Honky Tonk Man for a new generation.
HHH:  What did you say?
RO:  What, Honky Tonk Man?
HHH:  DON’T SAY THAT NAME AGAIN!
RO:  Why?
RF:  WOOOO!  Any time you mention his name three times, he shows up and begs Vince for a contract, by gawd!
HHH:  And he won’t leave for like 2 months.  When they put him in the Rumble that one time, he was still following us around at WrestleMania.  He spent an entire night riding around in my vat of hair grease.
RF:  And don’t get me started on the time that I took his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN fat boy, WOOOOOO!
DBD:  What is a Honkity TONKITY MAN?
HTM:  Close enough!  Have you guys seen Vince?
HHH:  AAAAAAH!  Hide your guitars!
RO:  …
DBD:  …
RF:  …
HHH:  Well…you know.  If you had any.  Hey, it’s a fair warning.

Jericho runs into Trish backstage…

TS:  What you did to Lita was mean.
CJ:  Huh?
TS:  Setting her up to get dumped by Matt Hardy to set her up with Chris Tian.
CJ:  Didn’t you get my text message?
TS:  OMG ROFL?
CJ:  She was asking for it.
TS:  Well…yeah.  I guess she was.  Teehee.  Let’s go get ready for the dance!
CJ:  By “Get Ready for the Dance” do you mean have sex?
TS:  No.
CJ:  Just checking.  Can we at least have an awkward and ill contrived make out session?
TS:  You’re really up to date on your dating!  Of course we can!

And they do.

Evolution (w/ Ric Flair who is also is part of Evolution) v. Goldberg

I guess this is kind of like holding him down.  Goldberg resists by knocking everyone over and SPEARING everything he can spear.  Unfortunately, this includes the ref, and Evolution is able to swarm on top of him and beat him up.  Goldberg may be the king of no-selling bald people, but even HE can’t no sell HHH when Hunter is determined to hold him down.  HHH hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON, and then Pedigrees Goldberg for good measure.  Evolution wins!  What an upset!  They’re planning to continue the beat down after the match, but Kane breaks that up!  I was just thinking “What does this show need?”  Kane chokeslams Goldberg and then grabs the mic….

KN:  Will you go to the dance with me?

Next Week:  Fall out from the big dance, who hooked up and who threw up, answers revealed!  Steve Austin decides that he’s had just about enough of THIS retirement.  A dejected Shannon Moore scratches at the door of the arena.

See you…WEDNESDAY!!

E-MAIL MATT    
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