by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  A moral lesson was learned when Val Venis won a match with the help of Jackie Gayda’s Boob and Lance Storm’s Penis.  Lita Librarian met her untimely demise from the Hardy Boyz Detective Agency, but Chris Tian made the save.  And Kane made a play for the affections of Goldberg just in time for the big Dance.  How did that turn out anyway?  Maybe we’ll find out…TONIGHT!

(Opening Credits)

Eric Bischoff stands in the ring ready to spin the wheel and make the deal.  Sting and Cheatum the Evil Midget stand on either side of the wheel ready to stop it any time “Coal Miner’s Glove” comes up.  After telling Salt Lake City that he’s trying to bring together the concepts of Vegas showgirls and polygamy, Eric spins but lands on BANKRUPT.  Oooh, that sucks.  Shawn Michaels comes out and the crowd goes nuts because if anybody is a Latter Day Saint, it’s the Heart Break Kid.  He tells Eric that he’s ticked that he wasn’t able to play Dance Dance Revelations last week, and that he’s coming out this week to DEMAND that Bischoff let him play it tonight.  This is all broken up by the entrance of Dave “Batista” Davidson who lets everybody know that he too is mad at Eric for not giving him a pony last week.  That was supposed to be his date!  Bischoff says that the only way to resolve this is to let these two fight each other tonight.

SM:  Huh?
DBD:  Even I know that that doesn’t make any SENSE!
EB:  No, no, no.  Hear me out.  The winner gets whatever it was they asked for in the first place.
SM:  What’s the catch?
EB:  Uh…well since the wheel landed on Bankrupt, we’ll…make…a match that is bankrupt of any sense of logic or reason.
DBD:  You’re making this UP!
SM:  I’m with Roid Rage, you’ve got no clue what you’re doing tonight do you?
EB:  Uh…hehe…No.  No I don’t.  But, since you called me out on it, I’m going to make a Ric Flair/Batista v. Michaels/Jericho match.  Team Crazy Guys from Evolution v. Team Jesus.  TONIGHT!
SM:  Hey!

Sorry Shawn, it’s too late.  Sting shouts his support of Team Jesus, but Flair runs out and low blows him.

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Lita is out, sans librarian and sans Version 1 status.  She looks pretty happy too.  I guess all them last names are pretty cumbersome.  Bischoff and Molly are backstage spinning the wheel.  Cheatum jumps up and grabs it to stop it on Coal Miner’s Glove in a Cage Match.  The only thing better than a Coal Miner’s Glove match is one in a cage.

Lita v. Victoria
Coal Miner’s Glove in a Cage Match

I guess Stevie got hurt when John Hnnrnnr walked up to him backstage before the show.  This proves two things.  Hnnrnnr is a hoss who needs to work on his technique a bit before his big main event push, and that Stevie is a big pansy.  Lita tries to go up and get the glove, but some of Jeff’s spot blowing skillz have rubbed off on her, as she just falls over instead.  Randy Orton runs out to try to get the win, but he’s headed off by Matt Hardy Version 1 who uses his Coconut YJ Stinger to teleport next to the cage door and smack Lita in the face.  Lita is so stunned by the sudden materialization and subsequent smacking by her ex-boyfriend that she misses Victoria getting the Coal Miner’s glove and hitting her for the win.  Then, to add insult to injury, Victoria pulls down her pants and reveals that, much like Lita, she is wearing a thong.  That’s GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!  Enraged by this blatant lack of regard for the girl whose pants he wants to get into, Chris Tian runs out.  You know what this feud needs?  A Dudley Boy.  What’s Snot doing these days?

Randy Orton, having returned from the last match, is wandering around backstage (as is often the case), when suddenly he happens on Eric Bischoff and the Roulette Wheel.  Eric offers Randy a spin, and it lands on “Legend on a Pole”.  Cheatum and Sting are saddened by the lack of Coal Miners in this match, but are cheered up when Eric mentions that a legend flew in just for this match.  Is it El Lucha Libre famed Luchadore turned Porn Store Manager?  No?  Damn.  Orton leaves and Bischoff is about to have a piece of my birthday cake for himself, when Hurricane and Suga Rosey come in and complain about not being on the show. 

EB:  Fine, let’s spin the wheel.  Capture the Midget and Force Him to Use Your Gimmick.
RS:  I got him!
EB:  No, no.  Not THAT midget.  Let Cheatum go.  THIS midget.
TH:  Holy hand grenades!  That’s Shannon Moore.
ShM:  I’ll do whatever you guys want, just don’t make me go back and job to Matt Morgan again!
EB:  Would you be interested in jobbing to John Hnnrnnr?
ShM:  Sure.  Wait….
EB:  Too late!  Catch that midget!

Shannon runs off trying to get back to Velocity and Hurricane runs after him.  Rosey gets five steps and says “Forget about this.  I’m too fat to care anymore”, and then he eats Cheatum.

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Randy Orton v. Himself
In a Sergeant Slaughter on a Pole Match

Slaughter?  Oh, don’t even pretend he flew in for this match.  He’s on RAW and Smackdown more than TOMMY F’N DREAMER and Sean O’Haire combined.  Orton isn’t quite sure how he can get himself to fall over, but Slaugher is too fat to hang up on that little pole anyway, and so he falls over causing Orton to prance around the ring like he was Shawn Michaels.  Orton wins!  Fighting the powers that be, Rob Van Dam comes out dressed as the evil Dr. Mindbender, and gets choked out by Slaughter.

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Val and Lance are backstage trying to tell these nice conservative Morman girls that Lance Storm’s penis is a shrine unto itself.  They seem to be a bit put off that both these guys are Canadian, but then again, when you live in Utah it’s not like the other options are that attractive.  Suddenly, Shannon Moore runs by followed shortly by Hurricane and Suga Rosey in a golf cart.  The girls scream and chase after Shannon, and Val and Lance shrug and join in the Moore hunt.

Elsewhere, Coach is standing by with Ric Flair.

JC:  Triple Naitch, your DVD is one of the best selling DVDs of all time, why is that?
RF:  Well, Coach, it’s simple.  Put me on the cover and people will by anything.  Take those Internet wrestling fans that HHH is talking about.  They’d buy dog crap if it was Ric Flair brand dog crap.
JC:  Guaranteed to carry your lawn to a **** fly infestation.
RF:  So buy the goddamn DVD or else we’ll NEVER be able to afford getting those sharks out of the stream behind my house.
JC:  So, what’s your favorite part?
RF:  Definitely hours 2 and 3 where I tell everyone that I took their old ladies on a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY WOOOOOOOO!
JC:  Uh…Ric….
RF:  And another thing, you (wooo) you want wrestling?  Too bad.  Dave Davidson, Randy Orton, HHH.  There’s your future.  WOOO!  Even I couldn’t carry these sad sacks to a ** match.  And I love it.  WOOO! 
JC:  You do?
RF:  Hell yeah.  It means if you want to see wrestling, you’ve got to buy my DVD, fat boys.  Hahahaha, it’s all part of my and Vince’s genious marketing plan!  WOO!

I knew it!  Bischoff and Matt Hardy are backstage throwing back banana YJ Stingers and holding copies of Austin’s book.  Matt is sad because Austin’s book sold better than his.  To cheer him up, Bischoff spins the wheel.  It lands on “Vince Russo Books the Next Match”.  Russo runs out and starts hitting Sting with a bat.  “NOW you turn heel,” he screams.

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Bubba Dudley and Garrison Cade v. Chris Tian and Matt Hardy
In a Vince Russo Books the Next Match Match

You see, because they don’t like each other.  Cade hits a DROPKICK!  Matt Hardy leaves in a SHOCKING SWERVE~!  He’s replaced in the match by Judy Bagwell who immediately begins stripping. 

Bubba Dudley and Garrison Cade v. Chris Tian and Judy Bagwell

Then, a man in a mask runs out and attacks Bubba and then reveals himself to be…BUBBA DUDLEY!  It seems that the OTHER Bubba was actually veteran ring announcer Howard Finkel all along. 

Bubba Dudley, Howard Finkel and Jeff Jarrett (w/ Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak) v. Chris Tian and Judy Bagwell

Cade swaps with Mark Jindrak who swaps with Jeff Jarrett, which the referee allows.  Suddenly Cade turns HEEL on his whole team in a huge SWERVE!  However, the match has already ended because My Darling Stacy got the pin on RAW Referee Mike Chioda.

Shawn Michaels and Terri are standing by backstage. 

TR:  Hi, Shawn!
SM:  AH!  Terri!!
TR:  Soo….
SM:  Damn, we’re short.
TR:  Yeah.
SM:  Did you have a question or something?
TR:  How do you feel about tagging with Chris Jericho?
SM:  It’s better than Mark Henry.
TR:  But….
SM:  But nothing.  All right?  At this point in my career, I can sum every angle from here on out with “At least it’s better than feuding with Mark Henry”.

Shannon Moore runs by followed by Hurricane, Suga Rosey in a golf cart, two Mormons, Val Venis, Lance Storm, Tough Enough Jessie, the Salt Lake City Fire Department, Matt Hardy, Paul Heyman, John Hnnrnnr, John Stockton, two ducks, and Donny Osmond.

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Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Goldberg
In a Best…uh…Falls Match? For the WWE World Title

Triple H and Flair try talking trash to start the match, but Goldberg no sells that like he was Duke the Dumpster Droese.  Triple H and Flair then try “Cheating 2 Win” by having Flair yell “I’m Feeling FROGGY WOOOOO!” at random points during Goldberg’s assault, however this proves ineffective as well.  Down to Plan C, Flair grabs the ref and says “There is nothing going on behind you, no need to look or anything, fat boy, say have you bought my DVD yet?  Woooo!”  Randy Orton runs out and stands in the ring for a while, but Goldberg STILL hasn’t fallen over, so he leaves.  Batista runs out in a Vince McMahon mask, and yells “Ring the BELL, DAMMIT”, which a momentarily (ha!) confused Lillian Garcia does.  All this is too much for poor Goldberg to handle, and he falls over.  Orton begins to dance around.  HHH goes for the pin, but it is broken up when Kane runs out to aid his dance partner.  HHH says “Screw this, I’m going back home to sleep with Stephanie,” and leaves.  Kane dances around the ring with the KOed body of Goldberg.

Backstage, HHH runs into Bischoff’s office and gets all up in his area.

HHH:  Forget about Stephanie, I want to hold people down.  Let me hold people down.
EB:  To be honestly with you, watching that match made me kind of woosy, what exactly happened out there?
HHH:  Umm…I lost?  I…think.
EB:  No, no, no.  That’s all wrong.  We can’t have you losing all the time.  Here’s what we’ll do, HHH v. Goldberg 87 at Armageddon.
KN:  What about me?  Armageddon needs more me!
EB:  Right…Right…Uh…HHH v. Goldberg v. Kane.
TD:  What about me?  You can’t leave TOMMY F’N DREAMER off of the PPV!
EB:  Ok, so it’s going to be HHH v. Goldberg v. Ka…HEY!  No Dreamer!
TD:  Well…it was worth a shot.
HHH:  No it wasn’t.

The segment ends with HHH breathing heavily towards Tommy Dreamer, who sticks a Life Saver in HHH’s mouth.  HHH sucks happily and walks away.

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Outside, Shannon Moore is running away from the arena followed by Hurricane, Suga Rosey in a golf cart, two Mormons, Val Venis, Lance Storm, Tough Enough Jessie, the Salt Lake City Fire Department, Matt Hardy, Paul Heyman, John Hnnrnnr, John Stockton, two ducks, Donny Osmond, Sergeant Slaughter, Scott Steiner, Iron Chef Japan Morimoto, Survivor Contestant Rupert, Former WCW Hardcore Champion Ralphus, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael.

Bischoff spins the wheel, and comes up with “Salt Lake City Street Fight”.  What the hell does that mean?  Theodore Long goes off in search of black guys in Utah.  Karl Malone left.

Mark Henry v. Booker T
Salt Lake City Street Fight?

Nobody has street fights in Utah.  Booker and Henry stare at the ring for a while, and then Mark Henry amuses himself by bending things.  Like straws.  Now they’re bendy straws.  Wheeee!  Booker decides that he’s had enough of this feuding with Mark Henry stuff and starts to leave, when suddenly, Mark Henry hits Booker with a Golden tablet.  Does the temple know he has that?  Anyway, Henry gets the pin.  Somewhere, Shawn Michaels can’t help but weep for Booker T.

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Trish is STILL convinced that the wheel is rigged.  Oh, come on.  How can you…hey, she’s in a Bra and Panties Match.  That damned wheel!  Trish doesn’t mind though, as she loves being in Bra and Panties matches.  Chris Jericho wanders by and points out that he could use his Survivor Series pull with Bischoff to have her match changed into a Bra and Panties match with him, to which Trish responds “Who do I look like, Torrie Wilson?”  Jericho starts ranting about how much he hates Shawn Michaels, but Trish tells him that if he helps Michaels tonight, she’ll show him her boobies.  Jericho’s head explodes.  I can’t tell whether or not I want you to take that literally or figuratively, so just use your own discretion.

Shannon Moore out to the announce position followed by Hurricane, Suga Rosey in a golf cart, two Mormons, Val Venis, Lance Storm, Tough Enough Jessie, the Salt Lake City Fire Department, Matt Hardy, Paul Heyman, John Hnnrnnr, John Stockton, two ducks, Donny Osmond, Sergeant Slaughter, Scott Steiner, Iron Chef Japan Morimoto, Survivor Contestants Rupert and Neleh, Former WCW Hardcore Champion Ralphus, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael, Shannon Ward, Tech TV Hottie Morgan Webb, former BYU quarterback Steve Young, that Julie Chick from Real World, Michael Jackson, and the entire cast of the Broadway hit The Producers.  Shannon jumps at J.R. to save himself, and J.R. is declared the winner.  J.R. puts the black hat on Shannon, puts a bottle of BBQ sauce in his hand, says “That’s it.  I give up,” and walks away.  Lawler immediately begins hitting on Shannon.

Bischoff takes another spin at the wheel and lands on “RVD Match”.  Bischoff rolls his eyes.

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Rob Van Dam v. Scott Steiner and Test (w/ My Darling Stacy)
In an RVD Match

RVD, in his latest attempt to stick it to management, brings Singapore Canes to the ring.  That’s Tommy Dreamer’s gimmick.  DAMN that RVD.  Everybody takes turns making “Singapore Cane = Penis” jokes.

TT:  Look, I’ve got a big long cane.  I should go hit Stacy!
RVD:  Dude, you are SO hilarious.  I’m going to go stroke my Singapore Cane.
SS:  My cane looks like a penis.  Holla if you hear me!

Dreamer has had just about enough of this gimmick usurpation, so he runs out and canes everybody to unconsciousness.  Steiner’s joke had the least to do with anything, so he wins.

Jericho is backstage trying to get Bischoff to lend him his camera so that he can take a picture of boobies.  Bischoff however, isn’t having any of that because the last time Jericho borrowed the camera he ended up taking 47 pictures of his kick ass Pantera sticker collection, and then he smashed the camera with a guitar.  Jericho is sad.

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Trish Stratus v. Jackie Gayda (w/ Rico)

Trish begins bawling the minute Jackie comes out.  Jackie says “Remember this?” and falls over, causing Randy Orton to run out and dance around.  Trish takes off her own shirt just to get out of here, and starts to take off her pants when her bracelet gets caught in Jackie’s shirt and ends up ripping it off.  Rico gets in the spirit by taking off his pants and revealing that he, like Victoria, has stolen Lita’s gimmick.  Jackie starts taking off her bra, but sees that Val isn’t around so she stops.  Trish uses this momentary distraction to take Jackie’s pants off and run away before anyone even has a chance to blow any spots.  Jackie and Rico decide that taking people’s clothes off is fun, so they go after Lillian, but after they take her shirt off, Kane comes out and sets her on fire, so they leave.

Jericho asks Trish if she got his text message during the match, and Trish asks if Jericho is stupid or something.  She checks and reads “OMG, I can almost see UR Boobies NOW! ROFFLE!”  Trish says that if he wants to see any more he’d better win.

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J.R. comes back out and takes his hat, and tells Shannon Moore that he’s been demoted to Heat until he loses some weight.

Shawn Micheals and Chris Jericho v. Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
In a BANKRUPT Match

One of these things is not like the other.  One of these things doesn’t belong.  Jericho tries to finish the match early so that he can see the boobies post haste, but Batista doesn’t know what that means, so he takes over control of the match.  Shawn gets the hot tag and starts cleaning house.  It’s good and all, but I think his dusting needs some serious improvement.  Batista is confused, so he leaves, and Flair comes in.  The two argue about whose DVD is better, until Jericho comes in and kicks Michaels and says “That’ll show you for not putting ME over.”  He quickly realizes though that boobies are at stake, and he kicks Flair too.  Michaels crawls over and gets the win!  Batista has forgotten his earlier cleaning conundrum, and comes back in, only to find the match is already over.  He gets so angry and hits Shawn so hard, the blood capsule in Shawn’s mouth breaks.

Next Week:  Boobies or No Boobies, a report from Chris Jericho clears the matter up.  Even more people try to steal Lita’s gimmick!  TOMMY F’N DREAMER in a thong~!  Booker T has a memorial service for the passing of Smackdown Referee Goldust Sparks.

See you next week at the correct time!  Until then, enjoy some cake and then get the hell out of my house.

E-MAIL MATT    
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