by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Chris Jericho and Chris Tian revealed their master plan, and surprisingly it involved sex and nickels and not monkey robots and pickles.  Mick Foley made his triumphant return to read his lines and cash his check.  My Darling Stacy let everybody know what I already knew…she wears panties.  Wait…Can I say panties?  Eh.

(Opening Credits)

Speaking of the Canadian Chrises, and I know that you were, they’re already in the ring and begging Trish and Lita to come out and sleep with them.  Please?  They’re really hard up.  Ever since they started broadcasting their cheating ways on national TV, their wives won’t even speak to them.  Besides if they were going to bet on something like this it would be more than a nickel, they would certainly have collected bets from other Superstars and Kidman would have voted for all four having a menageafours because his wife did that one time, but then again his wife is a big whore.  But then again, this whole segment has me wondering, “WHERE IS NATHAN JONES?!?!?!?!”  Oh wait….  That issue resolved, Lita and Trish run out and attack Jericho and Christian with flowers.  THEY WATCH THE SHOW!!  Unfortunately, they didn’t put lead pipes in their flowers, so Jericho and Christian just end up smelling like Jasmine.  Properly perfumed, everyone decides it’s time for ads.

(ads)

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. The Dudley Boyz
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles 

Bubba starts the match by hitting on Jericho.  Jericho bails and Christian gets into the match.  Shortly theirafter, everybody is laid out in the ring when Trish and Lita come in and stick their faces in the Chrises’ crotches.  SHOCKING SWERVE!  The audience barely has time to register this, however, as Bubba uses the moment to pin the distracted Christian.  Dudleyz win!  Jericho opens up his mouth and he’s bleeding all over.  “Das ait.  I wike it wuff, bady!”  He’s talking moon language.  Quick!  Somebody hand me my Steiner to English Dictionary!!

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson and Randy Orton are backstage with Triple Naitch.

DBD:  Where’s Triple H?!
RO:  Yeah, he said he was going to be here for our big night of not doing anything.  We were going to bust out Boggle.
RF:  Shut up, Fat Boy!  I played Boggle all night last night with your old lady on Space Mountain!  WOOOOOO!
DBD:  Uh…Can I fight Shawn Michaels, NOW?!
RF:  Not ‘til Sunday, big guy.
RO:  You know what I heard?  I heard that RVD busts people open.  I’m pretty, dammit!!  I won’t be Pretty Randy Orton any more if I get busted open!  I don’t want to…
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!
RF:  I thought you were going to be conspicuous by your absence this week?
HHH:  Crap.  That was THIS week?  Aw dammit, Randy, look what you made me do!

Elsewhere, Bischoff is wondering if it’s too late to get in on the sex betting goodness.  Jericho confirms that sadly, it is.  He and Tian blew their big shot with Trish and Lita.  Christian speaks up and notes that actually, as he said last week, he and Lita have some porn available now on DVD and Laserdisc on their Geocities site, so technically the nickel is his.  Bischoff wonders what Lita is so mad about, and Christian says that on the actors commentary he said that he was disappointed to find out that Lita was not a natural redhead.  Lita is pissed that her secret is out.  Bischoff understands and books the four of them to fight at Armageddon, because “God knows you guys have nothing better to do.”

(ads)

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair) v. Rob Van Dam

You know Orton is the weak link of Evolution because he’s the only guy without his own theme music.  RVD fights the system by releasing the super secret actual plans for an 8 match WrestleMania XX card!!

MAIN EVENT 1:  Vince McMahon v. Ted Turner (Hell in a Cell)

MAIN EVENT 2:  Steve Austin v. Debra (Divorce Papers on a Pole)

MAIN EVENT 3:  The Rock v. Christopher Walken (Brahma Bull Cowbell Match)

Legends Match 1:  Superstar Billy Graham v. The Dynamite Kid (Iron Lung Match)

Legends Match 2:  Triple H v. Funaki (WWE Title Unification Match)

Token Smackdown Match:  Brock Lesner v. Nathan Jones…Dammit

Token RAW Match:  Shawn Michaels v. John Hnnrnnr

Token Women’s Match:  Shannon Moore v. Terri (WWE Women’s Title)

I also heard the WWE is working really hard to get Scott Norton to make an appearance.  That’s pretty iffy though.  That was all pretty hard to read being sprayed on his singlet like that.  Batista thinks it’s one of those Magic Eye deals, and powerbombs Rob in a pissed off stupor when he can’t figure it out.  Batista wins.  “Oh, it’s a Sailboat.”  Hey, yeah, it is.  Huh.  After the match, Rob realizes that there was supposed to be a ref bump, so he hits Charles Robinson with a chair.  Batista doesn’t win the Intercontinental Title, because that would just be silly, wouldn’t it?

(ads)

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak are in the ring.  Cade gets on the mic, “In deference to our fans, tonight we will be performing our patented move ‘the dropkick’.  Look for it during the match!”  The crowd goes into quiet, breathless anticipation!

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak v. Lance Storm and Val Venis (w/ Hoes)

Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick! Dropkick!

That’s their move!  Jindrak and Cade wins.  Sadly, Lance Storm’s Penis didn’t factor much into this match.  I hear the other Lance Storm is a key grip for Christian and Lita’s porn though.

Kane, master of comedy, is backstage.  “Kill puppies?  Yeah, I’ve done that.  Hey, are you taping this?!  Now Goldberg will never be my friend!  Dammit.  I hate this show.  Oh well, could be worse, I could still be trying to make out with an ambulance.  Or a dead body.  God knows that turned out well.  You know what annoys me?  Coffee grounds.  If I could kill coffee grounds, I would.  Why, you ask?  Because I can’t help myself from eating them, right out of the can, with a spoon.  That’s how my eye got like this.  Who the hell am I talking to anyway?  See, Glenn, this is why nobody likes you.  All you do all day is talk to yourself.  And you’re doing it again…ARG!”

So does that mean Kane was taping himself?  And then he gave the tape to the production people?  Uh…ok.

(ads)

Mick Foley is out with his script and wastes no time in starting to read that he’s going to hire back Steve Austin, but he is quickly interrupted by La French Guy and American Guy, they’re still pissy about getting not fired last week.  Foley is about to deliver one of Stephanie’s patent well written comebacks when suddenly…OH MY GOD IT’S MAVEN COME TO SAVE RAW!!  Wait…that’s Rock?  Oh, who cares about that has been?

TR:  Finally, the Rock has come back to slumming around on Cable TV!
MF:  You and me both.  Did you know I’m getting a network TV Show?
TR:  Really?
MF:  Yeah, me and Jeff Hardy play detectives who fight crime and learn valuable lessons!  Wanna guest star?  
TR:  Not really.  Is this a La Resistance segment?
RD:  Unhunnhnnn!  It sure is!
TR:  Where is that prick, Sylvan Grenier?  The Rock STILL hasn’t kicked his ass.
RC:  He’s hurt.  I’ve taken his place in La French Guys.
TR:  What’s wrong with your face?
RC:  I’ve got a Honda Civic blocking up my plumbing.
TR:  Oh.  Ooooh…You should get that looked at, FiFi!  New catchphrase!!
MF:  Two minutes back and Rock’s already got a new shirt and a new catchphrase.
TR:  And I’m leaving in about 30 seconds until the RAW before WrestleMania!  Isn’t that great?  Hey, Lillian, I’m going to suggest you come take a look at the People’s Penis, after RAW.  Anyway, The Rock is running out of seconds, attack jabronies!!

They follow Rock’s screen direction, and run at Rock and Foley…Hey!  It’s the Rock and Sock Connection.  That’s…continuity…ew!  Get it off Get it off!  It’s shaken just in time for Rock to forget years of personal animus towards Steve Austin and vote to get him rehired.

(ads)

Coach is backstage telling Bischoff that seeing Maven on RAW was a big surprise, and Bischoff says that he’s already had Maven moved outside into a box with the rest of the Heat wrestlers.  Coach asks Bischoff if he’s decided to change the main event tonight, and Bischoff says that now that Coach mentions it, he’s going to make Goldberg/Kane tonight a LUMBERJACK MATCH!  They’re going to eat cheese?  Oh, that’s a PepperJack Match…They’re going to chop wood?

Mark Henry/Test/Scott Steiner (w/ Theodore Long) v. Booker T/The Hurricane/Suga Rosey

My Darling Stacy took the week off to spend time with me.  I’m actually writing the Satire on Monday night this week.  What the hell?  While the crowd weeps, we’ll take an ad break!

(ads)

Steiner is the workhorse for his team.  Heh.  Mark Henry, thankfully, has new tights that don’t make him look like he just painted his chest and groinal region white.  Besides, white tights were keeping the brotha down.  You know, forget the Armageddon matches, I want more Teddy Long/Scott Steiner promos.  Come on, WWE, I know you guys read this.  Hook a brother up.  Rosey tries to do his part for society by killing Test, but Canadians are notoriously unkillable.  Just ask Goldberg.  The finish comes when Mark Henry lightly slams everyone and then yells “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR”!  That’s as good a finisher for him as any.

J.R. notes that 500,000 people have signed the petition to hire Steve Austin back as ring announcer.  That seems like an awful lot of work.  What if we all just clap real hard?

(ads)

The WWE is sending a care package to Iraq!  The first time Sable hears, “Good Lord, how long have YOU been out in the desert?” will assuredly be the funniest.  Then Big Show will eat the weapons of mass destruction, and Cena will do a little rap…

JC: 
Big Show just ate all of the weapons of mass,
Now the only destruction is in his ass!
Word Life!

Bischoff announces that Evolution will be the new lumberjacks.  They’re ok.  Mark Henry asks if he can be a lumberjack, and Bischoff consents.  Mark takes off to go find some pancakes.

J.R. and Lawler are looking at the LumberJack Match as played out on Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain.  Jerry asks if J.R. thinks Kane will do “that” in the match.  You know, I don’t think I’ve EVER seen Kane do an inverse suplex, so I’m going to have to go with “No.”  Perhaps Kane needs more suplexes.

(ads)

Trish and Lita v. Molly Holly and Victoria

Stevie Richards is not out at ringside following what may or may not have been a breakup on Heat.  I don’t know.  I don’t watch that show.  You know what else I don’t watch?  Women’s matches!  Actually, I’ve got to say, both Molly and Lita’s shirts are crazy go nuts.  They seriously need some new shirts.  Suddenly, can of “Grapleberry” YJStinger in hand, Matt Hardy Version One appears in the ring, and Lita is temporarily astonished by his appearance on the show.  Enough for Molly to get a win.  Matt Hardy begins weeping and talking about how he misses the days when he and Shannon Moore used to be on Smackdown and then he breaks down and says, “Why can’t I still be jobbing to Zach Gowen?”  Whatever happened to that guy anyway?  Did Big Show eat him?  Again?

(ads)

Goldberg v. Kane

Every time either guy falls over, Randy Orton lets out a cheer of victory.  Goldberg gets hungry mid match and goes to join the lumberjacks for some pancakes, but it was all a trap!  They squirt syrup all over his head and then put a pancake on his head.  Ole Pancake Head Bill is not impressed.  Kane tries to run out and tell the people to stop picking on his good friend Goldberg, but he ends up eating a Spear (and in the process a Pancake) for his dog killing ways.  At this point, all hell breaks loose in pancake land as the lumberjacks are sick of wearing flannel and chopping at Lillian’s legs, so they all just run at Goldberg and try beating him up.  Randy ALMOST makes it, but the pesky ropes jump into his path.  FACE TURN by the ropes!  They’ve been heel for so long!  The heels turn the tide back, however, until the timely run in of Booker T and Rob Van Dam.  Booker tries to get involved, but gets beaten badly, while Rob scours the floor for pancake bits.  All seems lost when, like a Savior on Christmas Morn, Shawn Michaels comes out from the womb of RAW’s virginal entrance ramp and down to the ring where superkicks are delivered aplenty.  Then, Goldberg ends the show by Spearing Kane again, just for fun.  NO!  Now you KNOW HHH is going to win the title!  Oh well. 

Next Week:  Fallout from Armageddon as The Son of Man separates the righteous from the wicked, and then holds a Royal Rumble.  Trish Stratus will reveal that she’s been pregnant with Chris Tian’s baby this whole time, that asshole!  New WWE Champion TOMMY F’N DREAMER will lose the title to Justin Credible.  Always happens.

Hey, Armageddon is this weekend, and we’ve got…uh…a couple matches!  All right!  Hope you enjoy them, I probably will too!

E-MAIL MATT    
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