by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Evolution is out to ask anybody in the crowd if they want some of these damned bobbleheads.  No takers.  No Takers, either, but that was hardly the point.  What the hell IS the point?  Oh.  It’s to show everybody that Evolution has all sorts of belts.  I’ve got the Stacy Title.  Can I be in Evolution?  Please?  I promise not to job.

(Opening Credits)

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. Lita and Trish Stratus Challenge
Battle of the Sexes

Man!  It’s like Déjà vu! Jericho is having some trouble attacking Trish, because he's in LUV! OMG! I guess he didn't get her text messages. Christian, however, has no problem, because he realizes that he's probably not ever getting laid anyway. Lita comes in and takes the advantage, but that doesn't last long as everyone quickly realizes that Lita can't throw a punch, so letting her be in charge was a pretty crappy idea. Christian knocks over Trish, and Jericho comes to her rescue, realizing that Trish probably could use an armoire. Christian, though, has a diabolical scheme which includes rolling Trish up…BUT this time Jericho tells the referee that he has to go potty, and the ref throws the match out.  Christian asks why Jericho didn’t go before the match, but it was all a ruse so that Jericho could punch Christian!  FACE TURN BY…uh…Planty.  Nobody is a winner with drugs.  Or in this match.

Eric Bischoff storms out because he’s deeply disturbed at the lack of wrestling on this show and we’re only 15 minutes in.

EB:  Chris, you’re killing me here.  Why can’t you just wrestle the girls?
CJ:  I’m totally trying to turn face here.  If I do that I get to grope Trish all the time.
EB:  You know what this show needs?
CJ:  A little more of me groping Trish?
EB:  No!  A little more KANE, when you take him on tonight!
CJ:  Take him on what?  On a date?  On a boat?
RF:  On a ride on Space Mountain?  Fat Boy?  Wooo?
EB:  No…in the ring.  You know…in a match.
CJ:  Oh.  I didn’t spill any coffee or anything did I?
EB:  Go away.

Jericho and Flair leave.  Bischoff says that he has an idea for a match tonight, but he’s going to wait patiently for this ad break to be over.

(ads. When is Test’s Bod ad going to air?  Never?)

Eric has started doing the crossword puzzle.  43 down is “perfunctory”.  This show puts the funk back into perfunctory.  Wait, there was no funk in there.  Knock it off, WWE.  Bischoff decides that enough time has passed that he can call out professional line reader Mick Foley to come out and read some lines.

MF:  Ahem.  Hello, sir or madam.  I am selling these fine leather jackets.
EB:  I’ll take 87!!  Wait!  88!!
MF:  How do you spell “Bischoff”?
EB:  B-I-…Hey!  This is MY segment you’re impeding on.  I have a match idea.
MF:  Um…I don’t have anything written for that.  I’ve got an Amway sales brochure…
EB:  Quit stealing things from Chavo, and focus, Mick.  I want you to watch something…

(Highlights air from the classic career of Dick Smoley star of legendary porn film “Hard Knockers and Cherry Poppers”)

EB:  Crap.  I think I brought the wrong tape.
MF:  Your methods both amuse and inspire me.  I feel like having another match.
EB:  Uh…ok.  How about against Randy Orton, right here in Tampa, Florida?
MF:  Uh…Can’t I have a year or four to train?  I’m totally fat.  I’ll blow up halfway through the chairshots.
EB:  I’ll tell you what.  Wrestle here tonight, and if you win I’ll quit, and give you a lovely set of four armoires.
HHH:  DAMMIT!
EB:  And if Orton wins, you’ll be forced to quit and crush the hopes of millions of children who think you’re the fat wrestling Jesus.  Evolution won’t even be there.
MF:  Wait…I also want this to be an Intercontinental title match.
EB:  Why?
MF:  I always perform my best when the odds are stacked against me!
EB:  What about at WrestleMania 2000?
MF:  Well…I mean….there was that once….
EB:  No Way Out?
MF:  Sure…I guess if you WANT to go there….
EB:  Royal Rumble 1999…2000….
MF:  Oh shut up.  Just be glad I’m not just leaving tonight.  OR AM I!?!

Mick Foley, Intercontinental Man of Mystery.

(ads)

Booker T and Maven v. Matt Hardy Version One and Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long)

No word from Long on how he feels about Henry teaming with this white yokel.  Remember when Booker T and Rock had a big feud over who was the bigger movie star, and then Booker tried to get a part in a movie and failed, and then he lost the WCW title to Rock.  And then Booker and Goldust did a movie review?  Remember that stuff?  None of that has anything to do with this match.  Yeah….  Maven goes all DROPKICK on Mark, drawing shrieks of RAGE from Jindrak and Cade.  After a while, things spill to the outside, allowing Maven to jump outside the ring onto Henry.  Booker uses the momentary lack of anybody else in this match to take advantage of Matt Hardy’s supreme jobberness and get the win.  Here’s a Matt Fact for you:  Matt Hardy is sad.  This match roasted crazy go nuts on an open fire.

Jonathan Coachman would like you to know that he has an interview coming up NEXT with Goldberg’s Door.  Goldberg’s Door…OH NO!

(ads)

Coach asks how Goldberg’s Door feels about being the current door of a former World Champion and the Former Door Of the Current World Champion.  I think the door is confused.  Goldberg comes by and slams the door, and Coach yells that that’s no way to treat a door.  Goldberg comes back out and slams Coach.  This is STILL better than being on Heat.

La Resistance is out to yell at the crowd some.  For your consideration:  Rob Conway now looks like a Mini-Test.  Test looks like a Mini-Kevin Nash.  Rob Conway and Nash look nothing alike.  Spooooooky….  They’re trying really hard to get FiFi over as their team name, but it’s just not working.  Nobody thinks that the Raw Satire Poodle deserves to be treated like that.  That reminds me, are they still doing those surveys?  Because if they are I want to tell them that Smackdown blows.  That’ll learn them.  Duke mugs for the camera with a newspaper that proudly states “Got Him”.  Oh my god!  They caught Cobra Commander?!  Why isn’t this on CNN?  Geez, I wonder if Destro is next.  Goldberg is sick of this segment, so he runs out and beats up on La Resistance for starting it.  Rene needs to learn how to stand straight up upside down.  If Jerry Flynn can do it, so can you.  Bischoff runs out.

EB:  Dude, what are you doing?  La Resistance is OVER!
BG:  They were NEXT!
EB:  Right.  Hey.  I’ve been meaning to tell you.  I’m deactivating you.
BG:  No!  I’ll do anything you say!  I’ll even job to Molly!  Please don’t deactivate me!
EB:  Sorry, kiddo.  You can celebrate Hanukkah and go to Japan some other year.
BG:  Arg!

Bischoff flips the switch on Goldberg’s side and Goldberg shuts down.  He’s put into a crate and the last shot we see of him is the crate being wheeled down a long arena corridor past thousands of other crates.  Hey!  It’s TAKA!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels is backstage with Foley.

MF:  I dunno, Shawn.  I mean…Randy Orton?  Is it worth it?
SM:  How much do you hate him for throwing you down the stairs?
MF:  Doing what?
SM:  Don’t you remember?
MF:  Remember Randy Orton?
SM:  Why are we only talking in questions?
MF:  Was it worth coming back for you?
SM:  I guess, but is it worth it for you?
MF:  I dunno.
SM:  Oh.  Well, whatever you do…DO NOT feed them after midnight…I mean walk out of the arena.

(ads)

Do you know Denver Bronoco’s Running Back Clinton Portis?  No?  Well he likes tacky belts.  I mean wrestling belts.  He’s the World Champion of the XFL.

Shawn Michaels and Rob Van Dam v. Triple H, Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Dave wants to get his hands on Shawn for daring to Superkick him last night.  And because Shawn is a Boy Toy, and Dave is a boy AND he likes toys.  The whole thing seems perfect.  Flair is just so thrilled to have a belt that he runs face first into the ropes and then jumps off the top.  Everybody remember that on your Match of the Year ballots next year.  Everybody runs at the ref at the same time and he falls over.  ORTON WINS!!!  As the ref is trying to get back up, Triple H goes for a pin on RVD, but RVD kicks out!  RVD is DEFYING THE MAN!  HHH is mad because that was supposed to be the finish.  Everybody stands around.  The ref gets a befuddled look on his face and then says, “Uh…Guys…you’ve still got, like, 20 minutes.  Do something.”  Flair puts RVD in the Figure Four.  Well, this should kill some time.

(ads)

Ads?  As we come back, somehow everybody has been transported back to their corners and Ric Flair has teleported to trade spots with Davd.  I blame YJ Stinger.  Rob ask Dave and Ric if they want to go backstage to play Hungry Hungry Hippos and Flair and Batista immediately bail.  Flair wants to be Green.  Man, EVERYBODY wants to be green.  Except the girl in the commercials.  She wanted to be pink.  That either means that the ad agency was sexist or that she was communist.  Of course Hungry Hungry Hippos is a rather capitalist game isn’t it?  No self respecting communist would play Hungry Hungry Hippos.  Except Stalin.  He LOVED Hungry Hungry Hippos.  God, I’ve got no clue what the hell I’m rambling about anymore.  HBK kicks Hunter lovingly across the jaw and gets the win.  Remember when HBK2K was Shannon Moore?  Now it’s Shawn Michaels.  The tables have turned, Madden!

(ads)

Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda) v. John Hnnrnnr

Hnnrnnr lost to Rico last night on Heat.  The crowd seems to think that John Hnnrnnr is the 2004 Lance Storm.  Now all we need is for Mick to come out and say “John, you sure are boring!”  Then everybody will say, “Hey!  Look at his penis!”  Only John is all roided up and he’ll be embarrassed and so he’ll try to cover it up, and you know what THAT means…HAMMER PANTS!  I LOVE THIS ANGLE!!!  Jackie isn’t nearly as interesting with her top on.  The crowd sure does love it when Rico starts humping Hnnrnnr.  Rico wins after a neckbreaker.  Hnnrnnr is sad.  Stevie Richards is pissed.  This is HIS push.

Jericho is backstage knocking on the door to the Women’s Lockerroom….

CJ:  Hello?  Anyone in there?
TS:  Oh, it’s you.
CJ:  Hey, Trish.  Is Jazz back there?
TS:  Let me go…HUH?!
CJ:  Well…I just figured if you don’t want me….
TS:  Yeah, but Jazz?
CJ:  I have an eclectic taste in women.
TS:  Chris, all you have to do to get back with me is beat HHH.
CJ:  Really?  That’s great.  I’ll get right on that. 
TS:  ….
CJ:  ….

…

CJ:  Heeeeeeeeey…. 

Trish slams the door in his face.

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Kane

J.R. spends an inordinate amount of time during this match reminding viewers that he has a heart.  I mean…I don’t have any medical truth to the contrary, so I can’t say anything to that.  Maybe this is all some sort of elaborate 500 tell.  I’ll bet 7 Hearts.  We’d better not get set, Jimmy boy.  Kane stands around and beats the hell out of Jericho and keeps asking whether or not he can have a title run yet.  Not until you curb that puppy killing habit.  Jericho has had just about enough of this crap, so he beans Kane with a chairshot.  Kane isn’t going to sell no cruiserweight offense, not if he’s wearing the special Jericho Lifts (+1 to Height, -2 Dexterity, +1 v. all heavyweights except HHH).  Kane spends a few minutes beating up Jericho, but soon he’s too sleepy to care anymore and so he leaves.  Christian comes out, but only to push Jericho over.  That wasn’t nice, Mr. Tian.  Lawler explains how he can tell that Jericho is a face now:  “Do you see any faces in this match?”

(ads)

Victoria and Maven show up to entertain the troops.  “Who?” say the troops.  Don’t worry guys, we have that SAME problem.

Bischoff is backstage with Orton.

EB:  Oh my God.  I just trusted you with my job AGAIN, didn’t I?
RO:  You sure did!
EB:  Stupid…Stupid…STUPID!!  AAAAAAAARRRRGGHH!
RO:  Say…who do I know that lives down here?
EB:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR….
RO:  Can I interest you in a Nathan Jones Bobblehead?
EB:  I’m…going…to go hit myself with a baseball bat.  I’ll be right back.
RO:  Uh…Ok.

Bischoff stumbles off as Randy sings a little song to himself about being a legend killer.  Elsewhere, Mick Foley is meandering through the corridors as the jobbers wish him luck.  He runs into Shawn Michaels and says that he saw that Whyspyr was in the crowd tonight, and that gave Foley the idea to make a HBK/HHH match for two weeks from now because Whyspyr loves big shiny things and nothing is quite as big and shiny as the Dance Dance World Title.  Foley walks by the Dudley Boyz who ask if he’ll give them a tag title rematch, and Foley says “Yeah, right after my match.”  Then he starts laughing.  What’s that aboot?

(ads)

Mick Foley v. Randy Orton
Winner Takes A Lot of Crap, Possibly a Nathan Jones Bobblehead Doll Match.

Orton is ready to wrestle.  Foley, however, decides to take a different approach.  He looks at the ring as if to say, “Who the hell am I kidding anyway?  I’m not jobbing to that dumbass.”  He meanders back to the backstage area.  Eric Bischoff reminds him that if Foley walks he’s fired.  Foley doesn’t seem to mind.  A single Nathan Jones bobblehead  bobbles his head in silent agreement of Foley’s decision as he peeks out of Foley’s bag.  “Go ‘ome, mate.  Lea’n to play the Digeridoo or some crap.  Wo’ked fo’ me!”  Orton tries pleading with Foley to pretty please come fight Pretty Randy Orton.  He really needs this win to help him get over.  Not even the spit of Pretty Randy Orton, though, can supersede the advice of the possessed bobblehead.  The ghostly voice of Nathan Jones wins!

Next Week:  CLIP SHOW!  CLIP SHOW!  Relive your favorite moments over and over again.  Or eat Christmas Cookies.  Or whatever!  I won’t be here, I don’t do clip shows.  See you in TWO WEEKS!!  (Or Catch my “Year in Review” sure to be running soon on OnlineOnslaught.com)  

Orton is leaving the arena.

RO:  Dammit.  Dave, who do we know in Tampa?
DBD:  Hulk HOGAN?!
RO:  No…Somebody…else.
DBD:  Uh…EDGE?!
RO:  No, someone from my past.  Why am I thinking Penguins?  Jarmir Jagr?  Do I know him?
JTL:  Son of a BITCH!  GET OUT OF MY TOWN ORTON!!!

Jeb beats the hell out of Orton with the baseball bat given to him by Eric Bischoff, and then disappears into the night.

RO:  Dave…why didn’t you help?
DBD:  Is it Warren Sapp that you KNOW?
RO:  Dave….
DBD:  Yeah, RANDY?
RO:  Get in the car.  You drive.  I think I broke my clavicus…majorus.

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