by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Woah…wait…before the opening credits, Eric Bischoff and Jonathan Coachman are wondering aloud exactly what a “Sheriff” is in pro-wrestling. 

EB:  What exactly is a “Sheriff” in pro-wrestling?
JC: What exactly is a “Sheriff” in pro-wrestling?
TL:  Playa, me and Mark Henry here want our wish.  Buhleedat.
EB:  Teddy…what does “Sheriff” mean in pro-wrestling?
TL:  Whitey Redneck Playa Hata?
EB:  You know what?  I have no clue what in the hell is going on here.  I’m uh…I’m gonna leave.
JC:  But what about their wish?
MH:  Yeah…what…about my wish?
EB;  You know what?  Have all sorts of wishes.  You’re in charge tonight Teddy.  I’m going to go ram my car into the garage wall until it stops running.  Then…I’m going to run into the garage wall.
TL:  I’m in charge.  Buh-lee dat.

(Opening Credits)

Teddy Long has drunken some Chocolate YJStinger and is chilling in the ring when we return.  J.R. is sobbing uncontrollably.  Teddy lets us in on the fact that everybody in Tennessee likes crackers.  That’s discriminatory against potato chip people!  Lawler gets on the mic and yells about how he has been in Memphis for four whole minutes and he hasn’t had a match yet.  Long thinks that Lawler is too stupid to be a king. He’s the King of Crackers.  Randy Orton runs out and beats up Lawler to put the old windbag out of his misery.  They could make a King of Crackers shirt.  Mmm…Crackers.  Wait…Chips are ok too.  I love chips.  And crackers.  Geez, this politically correct stuff is hard. 

Orton is bragging about how he killed the “Legend” of Jerry Lawler.  No, Randy, Jerry’s done a fine job of that himself over the last few years.  Mark Henry comes up and asks where the hell the Doritos are, then he stares longingly at Orton.

RO:  What are YOU looking at?
MH:  The man of my dreams.
RO:  Oh…oh yeah?  You’re not going to tell me how stupid I am?
MH:  Nah, you’re so pretty.
RO:  Wow….

Long decides that he's sick being in charge of this show already and books Orton and Henry to wrestle tonight so that he can get rid of him.  Austin walks in.

SA:  Teddy.  I was out back licking toads with RVD, what’s happened on the show so far.
TL:  I’m in charge, playa.  I’m the GM.
SA:  Is that what the writing’s come to?  The manager of a third tier guy is in charge of the show?
MH:  What does that mean…wait…never mind.  I get it.
RO:  What about me?  Can we still talk about how pretty I am?  Please?
SA:  Look at this crap.  They have me wearing a stupid little badge.  Teddy Long is in charge of RAW…Oh for God’s sake.  Back to licking toads for me.  Do whatever the hell you want.
RVD:  Steve, remember what I asked, Dude?  I want a match.
SA:  Ugh…fine.  Rob, you can wrestle Mark Henry.
RO:  What about Pretty Randy Orton?
SA:  Go get Pedigreed.
RO:  *sigh*  Story of my life.

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Coach is out at the broadcast booth now.  JR is still crying.  This is still the most compelling part of this show.  An hour and a half to go!  Wooo!

Spike Dudley v. Rene Dupree

Ok, remember a long frickin’ time ago when La Resistance killed Spike Dudley?  No?  Well, get this…The WWE DOES.  What the hell is up with that?  Something about this match says “Sunday Night Heat”.  Maybe it’s Coach constantly talking over his broadcasting partner.  Spike powerbombs himself three minutes into the match, and Rene surrenders.  Spike wins!  Nice to see them doing something with this Frenchman gimmick.  The Dudley Boyz come out to celebrate the lack of wrestling on this show.  If you don’t wrestle you can’t lose!!  This euphoria is ruined, however, when Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” come out and beat them up.  Come on, D-Von.  You got beaten up by an old man kicking you in the boot.  Unless…My God…Maybe he…FELL OVER!  Viva La Orton!!

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Chris Jericho is backstage making out with his mirror and saying “Oh, Trish, do you like that?  Yeah, baby.  That’s how Canadians do it.”  Christian comes in with a Jar.

CJ:  Is that Ass Cream?
CT:  No…HEY!  How did you remember that?
CJ:  I…don’t…know….
CT:  This is a jar of continuity.  I was going to make you remember how cool we were as a tag team.
CJ:  I must have caught some of the vapors when you came in.  Geez.  Gimme some of that.
CT:  Wait a minute.  You’re not Edge.  You and I don’t have any classic tag team moments.
CJ:  Yeah.  You’re probably right.  Quick, save the segment with something!
CT:  Girls like the C-Men!
CJ:  Awesome!

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Lawler is back out.  Somebody better be PEDIGREEING ORTON right now.  Coach has already put bags of chips all over the announce table.  Teddy Long decides that it’s best to keep them both out there, so that way when one of them says something stupid, we won’t hear it because the other one will be talking over them.  We in the business like to call this the “Schiavone/Zbyszko Solution.”

Chrises Jericho and Tian v. The Hurricane and Rosey

Jericho and Christian make a perfectly fine tag team.  Hurricane and Rosey…wrestle?  Woah.  Makes you wonder if Val and Storm were all out of strippers.  Or perhaps Lance was suffering from “shrinkage.”  That can be an embarrassing and debilitating condition.  Man.  Poor, Lance Storm.  The Action Figure never went through all this.  Wait.  Why are Jericho and Christian friends again?  This is all rather confusing.  Christian wins.  Because Rosey is a big ol’ jobber.

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Test v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

THE SEMI-FACE TURN FOR STEVIE CONTINUES!  This is great.  Best horrible face turn ever!  This is a true battle of wills.  Will I be able to stay awake or Will I go get myself a bowl of mixed nuts.  Mixed nuts win with a powerslam ‘o flavor.  Will this match ever end?  Oops.  There it goes.  Stevie Richards won?  My God, who the hell hates Test?  I mean…besides everybody.  Test is pissed off that he went from kind of sort of doing something with My Darling Stacy to losing to Stevie, so he kicks Victoria in the head.  Stevie rolls over and cries over the fallen body of Victoria.  That’s his meal ticket Test is kickin’.

Wait…a Stevie Richards/Test feud?  What the crap is this crap?

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Austin is out to talk about how stupid he thinks wearing a little badge is.  He would have had a little cap gun too, but they’re saving that for Billy Gunn’s big return.  Austin says that he was so interested in seeing Triple H be the World Champion, that he thought that it would be a good idea to book in advance.  That Austin has some pretty dangerous thoughts.  HHH is out to chat.

HHH:  Hey, Stevie.  Nice badge.  NOT!  OMG!  I showed you!
SA:  Shut up frizzy hair.  
HHH:  Stephanie ate all the conditioner.  
SA:  I’d believe that.

Shawn Michaels prances out.

SM:  Guys.  Seriously.  How do you like my new shirt?
HHH:  I don’t know, but if we’re doing product placement, let me just say that I’m planning on starring in the new Muppet Movie with Natalie Portman and Ron Jeremy.  
SA:  The two of you will be fighting in a Last Man Standing Match at the Royal Rumble.
HHH:  Ooooh.  Why?
SA:  Because Steph accidentally booked a really crappy Smackdown match, and now we have to cover for them.
SM:  That little hobag.
HHH:  Why you…PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

When did Randy get there?

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Molly Holly says that because Victoria is both a heel and possibly dead, she automatically wins the match.  Whew.  That’ll save me the pain.  Theodore Long comes out to spite me.  DAMMIT LONG!!  He says that he likes nothing better than to see Two White Girls Go At It.  I have that on DVD.  I mean…uh….

Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly

Lillian Garcia is the most fearsome looking person in the ring.  Molly’s cleavage hypnotizes me.  Seriously, I thought she was supposed to be a tightwad bitch?  Is this like the Jessica Simpson thing?  Next thing you know Molly’s married to Rosey.  Always happens.  What the hell happened to defending the Women’s Title anyway?  Right now, I’m wishing Orton would come out and make Coach fall over.  Geez.  Shut it up Coach.  Jazz is out on a crazy go nuts rampage to end my misery.  Wait.  JAZZ?  What the hell?!  The Intercontinental Title division just got a whole lot more interesting!

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You know…I wonder if Pete Rose ever bet on wrestling.

Mark Henry v. Rob Van Dam

Rob’s attempt to hold down the man this week is trying to intentionally get himself get DQed by throwing punches.  Poor, Rob.  You’ll never win.  Well, you might.  But only if the WWE hates Mark Henry.  At the five minute mark, Henry starts to eat Van Dam because he smells like bacon.  That’s a DQ.  Do they sell Bacon Stoners at Dairy Queen?  Theodore Long comes out to restart the match, then Austin drives out and runs over Long.  VEHICULAR MAYHEM!!  This is the most exciting thing that has happened all RAW long.  Not counting the mixed nuts.

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Mark is pretty winded.  This match was interrupted by a whole ad break!  All those John Henson Commercials can get pretty exhausting.  Rob throws some PUNCHES~! Henry will not stand for this!  He’s HENRYING UP!  All that head shaking can get pretty tiring, though.  Henry slowly…drifts off to sleep…yawn…man…Mark Henry is the best cure for being awake.  Van Dam wins!  Holy crap!  Austin backs over Long and throws a couple toads to Rob.  I guess Austin is a toads and crackers kind of guy?  I have an uncle that is JUST like that.

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Jericho is wandering into Trish’s dressing room.  He lovingly fingers Trish’s “Beer ‘n Pucks” shower curtain and tells them, “I know I said I loved Trish, babies, but you are the REAL reason I want to get with Trish.  Woah.  The shower is on.  Why do I suddenly feel like Dean Malenko?  Trish?  If you’re in their, let’s go hang out and take your shirt off.  And then I’ll steal your shower curtains.  I…uh…I mean, I want to go have sex now!”  The curtains part, but…it’s…Sable?  “They wanted the oldest woman in the WWE to play this part.  Do you want to go have sex?”  Jericho screams and runs away.

Kane is out in the ring.  It’s about time.  This show NEEDED some more Kane.  Badly.  He gets on the mic.  Crap.  He says that he’s sad that he’s never won a Royal Rumble, and he’s mad that Booker T got the WrestleMania title shot last year.  He needs a hug.  Goldberg is still deactivated, Kanester.  He makes sure to mention The Undertaker several dozen times, to make sure that we all know that Taker isn’t dead.  Well…He’s DEAD…but…wait…is he supposed to be dead anymore?  God, I wish they’d let me know these things.  One of these days I’ll figure this all out and I’ll let you know.  Booker T is out.  For a hug?  Nope.  To complain.

BT:  What’s up dawg?
KN:  I wanna win the Royal Rumble.
BT:  You know, I got the World Title shot last year without winning the Royal Rumble.
KN:  That’s RIGHT.  What the hell is up with that?
BT:  I dunno.  Besides, neither of us have a chance.  Benoit is winning this year.
KN:  Damn that Benoit.  What a suckup.
BT:  I can dig that.  But can YOU dig losing to me…SUUUUUCKAAAAAAA?
KN:  No.
BT:  Oh.  Damn.  All right then. 

D-Von asks Bubba if he’s all right.  Bubba says that he’s more than ok.  He’s main eventing RAW.  D-Von stops to ponder the significance of this moment.

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The Dudley Boyz v. Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

THIS is the main event?  What the crap?!  Somebody pinch me, D-Von Dudley is in the main event!!  Well, here’s something.  Triple H comes out and stops the match.  “What the hell is going on out here?  As your God I demand that you let me cut a main-event promo!”  Suddenly, Dave Davidson realizes that he’s in the main event and yells “I am being PUSHED!” and he powerbombs the Dudleyz.  Flair begs off and blades.  Shawn Michaels runs out and Dances around to try to save the main event.  It’s not helping.  The show is spinning out of control.  It crashes into the garage wall next to Eric Bischoff’s unconscious body.

Next Week:  Austin will explain what the hell he’s talking about I SWEAR!  In an effort to spread around the main event love, it’ll be Mark Henry v. Spike Dudley with a guest run-in from Stevie Richards and Jazz.  Shawn Michaels and HHH will cut a promo, and one or the other will fall over, a winner is Orton!

E-MAIL MATT    
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