by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Jonathan Coachman is standing on a bench in the locker room.  Assembled are all the RAW Royal Rumble Entrants (boy, that saved me a lot of bolding later).  Hey, where the hell is TOMMY F’N DREAMER?!  Don’t tell me they let Spike and Rico in there, but not Tommy.  Ugh.  I’m disgusted.  Disgusting me even MORE is that Coach announces that he’s been given Bischoff’s GM powers for the night and that he’s booking all the matches.  Bischoff’s been transferring his powers an awful lot lately.  You’d think there’d be procedure and stuff for this.  I wonder how the Board of Directors feels about this.  I hear they all got fired and replaced with Nathan Jones Bobblehead Dolls, though.  It’s a shame that they haven’t cornered the market on Executive Action figures though.  I mean, if I…I mean…uh…kids want to use their WWE Action figures to play out matches and angles, how are…they supposed to do matches or angles that require executive decisions.  I mean, there are only SO MANY times you can use Teela to play Linda McMahon before you give up on waiting for a Linda action figure.  I want Board of Directors Action figures with a Titan Towers Playset that comes with a big long table and a little door that you can make Linda and Vince stand by and get interviewed.  Vince’ll look pimpin’ standing next to his very own door in that red announcer’s jacket.  Anyway, the gist of the segment is that the winners of each match tonight will be entered into a battle royal at the end of the night, the winner of that match will be the number 30 entrant into the rumble.  Will it be the Honky Tonk Man?  We’ll have to wait and find out, I guess.  Here’s a bit of insider information:  I’m going to be number 31.  Shh…Don’t tell anyone.  Vince hates it when I leak information.  Jericho thinks he might use his Survivor Series favor to get some Canadian Bacon.  Those wacky Canadians.

(Opening Credits)

I wonder if Bischoff can transfer his powers by laying his hands on people.  I’m not sure how this all works.

Booker T and Rob Van Dam v. Matt Hardy and Chris Tian

I guess they realized there wouldn’t be enough time for singles matches for everyone, huh?  Matt and Chris are good buddies despite hating each other.  I think Matt’s just happy to be on RAW.  And hey, he’s on PPV now too!  This is way better than losing to ol’ No Legs McGee.  Rob is fighting the man this week by tagging with Booker T.  It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day, he CAN’T lose!  Booker’s music still sucks.  Matt tries to overcome the overwhelming odds of being in a match with four people more important than him (including the ref, and if you want to count Lillian Garcia then five), but he fails.  A winner is Rob!  And Booker!  Christian is not pleased.

Poor Smackdown Referee Mike Sparks, if only Goldust wouldn’t have taken over his body, he might not have been fired.

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Coach is out on commentary, but decides not to say much.  It’s like a holiday on my TV speakers!

Rene Dupree v. Chris Jericho

Apparently neither Shawn Michaels or HHH will be here tonight.  Well, it’s a good thing that neither of them have a match on Sunday.  What?  Oh.  Well…uh…better luck next time.  Only Rene is in the Royal Rumble?  Is that just La, then?  Wouldn’t Rob Conway make more sense, since he wasn’t a tag wrestler anyway?  Why am I asking these rhetorical questions?  What’s for dinner?  Microwave lasagna (good source of PROTEIN), a can of “Lite Mixed Fruit”, and a Grape Kool-Aid Jammer (100% Daily Value Vitamin C, Clear Back…Oh Yeah!).  Truly, I live in some sort of paradise.  Wait a minute.  “Lite”?  What the hell does that even mean?  And another thing, why in the HELL does the Kool-Aid Man think I care whether or not his pouch of grapey goodness has a clear back or not?  And what is this PROTIEN and Vitamin C they’re going on about?  Vitamin C?  Chrises Jericho and Tian?  Woah…wait a second.  If I’ve already had my Daily Value Vitamin C, then I don’t need to watch this match.  Hey…isn’t that their code for having sex with people.  DAMN YOU KOOL-AID MAN!  You forced me to unwittingly have sex with Chrises Jericho and Tian.  I think.  This whole thing is making me feel kind of sleepy.  Maybe that’s the match.  Match, what match?  Oh…right.  Jericho wins, when La surrenders before the bell.  Come on dude, Jericho’s not even German.

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Christian congratulates Jericho for beating La.  Jericho says that it wasn’t a big deal because he’s still going to job by the end of the night.  Christian has a favor to ask of Jericho.

CT:  Can I get you to give me your Survivor Series wish?  See, I lost mine and….
CJ:  You didn’t lose it, you spent it in pursuit of forbidden booty.
CT:  Right, well, now I really need it so that I can get into the main event tonight.
CJ:  Why, so you can LOSE?
CT:  No, no, no.  I just want to get another intro in.  I’ve got this whole bit worked up where I come out and insult the crowd because their team was a bunch of losers.
CJ:  That’s not a big deal.  Anybody can do that.
CT:  Well…uh…I could bring up the fact that their quarterback isn’t as good as a really bad quarterback who people only think is good because he’s black, and then I’ll drag a casket along behind the Blues Brothers car just like Bossman did with Big Show’s dad.
CJ:  I’m simultaneously offended and intrigued.  Tell me more.
CT:  Uh…that was it.  I mean…maybe I could throw things or something.
CJ:  I dunno.  If anybody is going to job in the main event tonight, I still think it should be me.
CT:  But didn’t you have a nice time last week?  You know going out and getting wasted with Lance Storm and hiring those prostitutes?
CJ:  Chris, those prostitutes were Dawn Marie and Sunny.
CT:  Oh God, I’ve got the herpes!
RF:  You too?!  Let’s go get some penicillin and give those girls a call.  Woooo!
CT:  Sadly, that sounds like fun.  Come on, Ric.

Shawn Michaels v. Triple H.  They were in DX.  Shawn danced around.  HHH was the World Champion.  Shawn came back and danced some more.  Triple H was the World Champion again.  Man, this video package is going on and on forever.  You know what it needs?  No, not more Kane.  Star wipes.  Lots and lots of star wipes.  Maybe and animated gif of Shawn Michaels dancing.  Or an announcer.  That’s right.  “

Coming this SUNDAY (sunday…sunday)…He had it all, boyish good looks, dance moves and a heart of gold…but then he got hurt.

SM:  Oh!  My back!  It hurts!

HE had it all, the fame the fortune, the girl, but deep inside, a darkness grew…hiding an evil anterior motive….

HHH:  Wrestling’s ok, but I really want to direct…

Now he’s back to take what’s his!  Shawn Michaels!

SM:  Honey, do these mirror chaps make my thighs look fat?

Triple H!

HHH:  Shawn!  You’ve played your last Game-uh!

In an epic showdown that critics are calling “Just There (Scott Keith).”  Dave Meltzer raves “Not nearly as cool as Bob Sapp v. Some Japanese Guy.”  A match so epic that Online Onslaught’s Rick Scaia gave it a “Thumb firmly in the Middle.”  If you can’t be there to experience the magic live, you MUST order this on PPV…or IT…WILL…KILL YOU!

HHH:  Shawn, you’ve got a little…like a crumb…there on your cheek.
SM:  Oh, man…did I get it?
HHH:  Yeah…wait…it just moved.
SM:  This is so embarassing…
HHH:  There.  Yeah.  You got it.

SUNDAY JANUARY 25^th Only on PPV.

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Mark Henry (w/ Theodore Long) v. Rico (w/ Miss Jackie)

Man, who the hell booked THIS?  Wait…if it’s MLK Jr. Day AND Pat Patterson’s Birthday…who gets the token win here?  I have a feeling…Mark Henry is trying to come up with a good T-Shirt idea right now.  Rico dominates the match, absolutely destroying Henry and showing a mastery of the skill of wrestling not seen since that one Velocity where Funaki wrestled A-Train.  Unfortunately, Rico’s fatal flaw showed itself when he couldn’t help but try to make out with Theodore Long’s shiny head.  Unfortunately, that was just the opportunity Mark needed to let Rico get counted out, and Henry wins.  But what was his T-Shirt idea?  I’m worried we won’t find out….

Pretty Randy Orton is trying to teach “Dave” Batista “Davidson” to read backstage.  It’s nice to see Randy really giving to the community.  Some people need to lay off him.  Incidentally, I think it’d be great if he replaced all the plates on the belt with mirrors so that he can look at himself on the way to the ring to make sure that he’s still pretty.  Kind of like a modern day The Narcissist Lex Luger.  Ric Flair can be Bobby Heenan even.  Then Randy can feud with Shawn Michaels about who owns the rights to having mirrors all over their outfits.  Flair wanders on camera.

RF:  What the…where am I?
RO:  You’re in the Evolution Locker Room.
RF:  The WHAT?  Those bastards, I’m going to kill them for what they did to the Dudley Boyz.
RO:  Uh…Ric, you’re IN Evolution.  YOU did that to the Dudley Boyz.
RF:  And I took their old ladies for a Ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat Boy, WOOO!
RO:  I’m not fat.  Dave, tell him I’m not FAT!
DBD:  Randy Orton is as Pretty as the winter SNOW!
RF:  Where’s that little kid in the overalls, we were going to go get herpes.
RO:  He ditched you.  Hey, Ric, I think it’d be better if you stayed back here tonight.  You can teach Dave to read.  I’ve got a match later, I’ve got to go make sure I’m still pretty.
DBD:  I ate the MAGAZINE!
RO:  Ugh…And I’M the one that gets Pedigreed every week?  This whole place is crazy go nuts.  Damn you, Austin.

Apparently, Austin didn’t kill Evolution, but he did make them crazy.  Actually, you know what?  They were all exactly like this before, so I don’t get the point of that whole angle last week.  What the hell?

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Kane v. Spike Dudley

Just what I needed!  MORE KANE BABY!!  Spike cut his hair.  Make a note of that on you Wrestler Hair Cut Bingo cards.  Man, all I need now is for Kurt Angle to get a mohawk and I get a Bingo and win the big prize.  Wait a minute…dammit.  See, this is why I hate Bingo.  And if some old lady wins before me, I’m seriously going to have to consider a beat down, and that wouldn’t be a very nice thing to do.  Speaking of beat downs, Kane is beating down Spike.  However, he uses the PUNCH~! and gets himself DQ’D.  Kane is so angry after the match that he sets Spike on fire.

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Go to house shows or else Mark Henry will eat your livestock.  No seriously.  I missed coming back to Madison for one by a day, and all that’s left of my prize winning herd now is a bunch of goat bones.  Makes a snazzy xylophone.

Test v. Goldberg v. Scott Steiner

Goldberg’s beard is slowly taking over his face.  Maybe he’s hoping to grow it long enough to comb it over?  THIS is your Nitro Main event.  Man, I remember when these guys were huge stars (except Test).  What the hell happened?  Steiner loses interest in the match about the same time I do (around the 2 second mark) and kind of stumbles around and then leaves.  That leaves test alone with Bill, and you don’t need a Goldbeard to tell you that Test needs to FEAR THE SPEAR!  Goldberg advances to the Battle Royal.  Where’s My Darling Stacy?

Maybe they could play Texas Hold ‘Em for the the #30 spot?  I shudder to think what happens when Mark Henry goes all in on a 2 of Spades and an 8 of Diamonds.

Randy Orton and Mick Foley should just get married already.  Besides, these smear campaigns don’t work.  I voted for Dreamer.

Austin runs over Jindrak and Cade for standing around backstage.  They’re like RAW’s Funaki and Orlando Jordan.  Maybe running people over is just Austin’s gimmick now.  Kinda ironic if you think about it.

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Austin is in the ring and yelling that if Foley doesn’t show up at the Royal Rumble, Austin is going to drive his four wheeler up there (Up where?  Up THERE!  AHAHAHAHA) and run over him.  Austin’d run out of gas before he made it to Long Island.  Maybe he should just DRINK a Long Island and PRETEND Foley showed up.  That’d be pretty delicious.  My bet is that Foley won’t be able to resist the lure of promoting his DVD, Mick Foley:  It’s Better Than Flair’s!  Austin name drops Diamond Dallas Page.  Why?

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Chistian whips out his camera phone and shows Trish all the pictures of Jericho that he took.  Also he shows her all the text message that he traded with PnkGrul22, who tells him that she is REALLY Lita.  Trish is amazed at the technology and wanders off to buy herself a phone that she can blackmail people with.  Christian wanders off to find some midgets.  Hey, did he say that Jericho’s whore was named Alexis?  As in Alexis Laree?  Dammit.  Don’t worry, Stacy.  There’s enough Matt to go around.

Lita v. Jazz (w/ Theodore Long)

Which will be entered in the battle royal tonight?  I wonder why Lita’s music didn’t change to her Original’s track.  Wait…no I don’t.  You know what’s more amusing than watching this match?  Poetry.  Ahem.

The holidays have come and passed
You knew the joys could not last.
When all you found in your stocking was coal
And your girl’s thighs were wrapped around my north pole.

I’m the new John Cena.  Or the poor man’s Joel Gertner.  I should sell this stuff to Hallmark.

You’re a stupid ugly kid,
The world would be better if you were hid.
The only thing that is worse than seeing you
Is getting that stupid goddamn flu.

Get Well Soon.

Yeah.  I like the sound of that. 

He’s cheating on you with another gal.
He’s not at work, he’s sleeping with a pal.
Any guesses who it might be?
I hear your sister gives it up to anybody.

Happy 50^th Anniversary,

Jazz wins when Theodore Long accuses Lita of racism.

Hurricane stands by with Terri.

HC:  AH!
TR:  Yeah, I get that a lot.  Do you think you’ll beat Randy Orton?
HC:  Yeah, because I believe I can fly!
TR:  That’s great!  So inspirational!
HC:  Hehehe…Who am I kidding?  I’m jobbing like there’s no tomorrow, Terrance.  I just hope it’s not another month before I get back on RAW.

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Randy Orton v. The Hurricane

Orton wins when Hurricane’s mask gets in his eyes and he trips and falls over.  Flair and Batista run out and ask Randy to settle their argument about who gets to be Colonel Mustard and who has to be the Thimble.  Orton pedigrees himself.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!  The Dudleyz run out and try to put Ric and Dave through a table, but they’ve decided to play Sorry and have already left the ring.

Mark Henry is backstage thinking of shirt ideas with Chris Jericho.

MH:  What’s a clever way to say that I have a penis?
CJ:  Uh…Mark, nobody’s going to buy that shirt.
MH:  How about if I say that I’ve got…a…uh…?
CJ:  Coming up with T-Shirt ideas is hard Mark, why not leave it to the WWE marketing department.
MH:  I know!  I’ve got it!
CJ:  Got what?
MH:  Stank!  That’s Mah Stank!  I’m gonna make a fortune!!
CJ:  “That’s Mah Stank”?
MH:  On the front it’ll say “Can You Smell It?” and on the back it’ll say “That’s Mah Stank”.  Everybody’ll buy it because they’ll think it’s a Rock shirt.
CJ:  You know…you might be on to something there, sad to say.
MH:  I can’t wait to show mah stank to Trish.

You know, I have a feeling that Spanky didn’t quit, he was fired.  Why?  So they could repackage Mark Henry as “Stanky.”  Think about THAT!

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Tazz and Cole want you to know that Smackdown has matches too.  Sometimes they have some good ones.  Check your local listings.  Where’s A-Train’s World Title Shot?

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Goldberg v. Stanky (w/ Theodore Long) v. Chris Jericho v. Randy Orton (w/ Col. Mustard and the Thimble) v. Rob Van Dam v. Booker T. v. Jazz (also w/ Theodore Long) v. The Ducks v. Alvin v. Simon v. Theodore Long
Battle Royal For the Number 30 Spot in This Year’s Royal Rumble

Jericho’s mad skillz allow him to eliminate Jazz, Booker, RVD and Himself.  Stanky has a hell of a time just running around and yelling “That’s MAH Stank!” to the audience.  That’ll make a good chant for his big push.  There is some viscous moments between the Chipmunks and Long.  I think Simon has rabies.  The Ducks double team them to eliminate them, but they get eaten by Stanky.  He meets his match, however, when his stank isn’t quite powerful enough to stop Goldberg from spearing him out.  Randy gets thrown to the outside, but Flair and Batista catch him and throw him back in.  Goldberg’s beard weighs heavy on his face, causing Goldberg to lose his balance and fall over.  This is Randy’s big chance!  However, Orton accidentally slips and falls out of the ring.  He begins to cry and say, “That’s not how it was booked!”  It is too late, however, Goldberg is going to the Rumble at number 30!

Sunday:  Can I eliminate 30 other men as I try to work my way into the WrestleMania Main Event?  Who will be the Last Man Standing…Col. Mustard or The Thimble?  I review the new game Where in the Hell Is Tommy F’N Dreamer?

E-MAIL MATT    
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