by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

JR:  CHRIS BENOIT!  BENOIT!  OMG BENOIT!
TZ:  We’re off the air, J.R.  No sense pimping him now.  The nerds can’t hear us.
JR:  That midget is a heat-less pile of crap!
TZ:  That’s the spirit!
JR:  Wait…Is that who I think it is?
TZ:  Spike?  What the hell is Spike doing out here?
JR:  He was never eliminated!  BY GAWD!  SPIKE DUDLEY JUST THREW OUT CHRIS BENOIT!  SPIKE DUDLEY HAS WON THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!

BUZZ!

JR:  WAIT!  WAIT!! BY GAWD IT’S MATT HOCKING!  I totally forgot he was Number 31!
TZ:  Yeah, we moved to the ol’ 20 minute countdown there on that last one I guess.
JR:  Spike and Matt fighting.  Spike is down!  OH!  Matt with the AIRPLANE SPIN!  SPIKE IS OUT!  MATT HOCKING IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!

Damn skippy.

Last Night:  Thrill!  As Triple H and Shawn Michaels wrestle to an exiting…uh…wait…what the hell WAS that?  Chill:  At this weather, what is it, -1 billion degrees?  Get your FILL:  Of Randy Orton…TONIGHT!

Chris Jericho is out with his new theme song in tow.  Don’t you wish you had fleas?  Jericho says that he’s not altogether impressed by the results of last night’s crazy go nuts Royal Rumble, and that he’s cashing in his Bischoff Check for a big fat piece of WrestleMania pie.  I didn’t want to wrestle HHH anyway.  I’ll just win the Smackdown Title and jump to Heat.  That’ll show those dorks.  Eric Bischoff prances out and tells Chris that he can go ahead and have his WrestleMania title match, after all, Chris should be used to jobbing to HHH at WrestleMania.  That line’d work if Shawn had won the title too!  Jericho sobs quietly to himself, but Bischoff tells him that he’d gladly take Jericho’s wish and put it toward stopping Kane from raping Trish’s live body.  It’s a TRICK!  We all know Kane doesn’t do that!  He’s a vegan.  Jericho quickly tells Bischoff that that is an acceptable alternative.  What a wimp.  It’s not like Trish couldn’t have used a bit more Kane.  Now that Jericho has blown his favor Bischoff is going to book him against ALL of Evolution.  Except HHH.  Hey!  Jericho might win!  His partner:  Rob Van Dam.  Aw…dammit.

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Ric Flair, Pretty Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Chris Jericho and Rob Van Dam

Rob fights the evil opressive overlords of the WWE this week by pointing to himself backwards.  DVR!  DVR!  DVR!  It’s like EWW for dyslexic people!  You know, I seriously don’t know what the WWE’s problems with Rob are.  I mean sure there’s the drug use and the blown spots and the horrible horrible promos, but underneath that hides a guy with a heart of gold, which makes airport security checks a bitch.  I mean, here is a guy who would, without question give their big, ugly best friend a copy of Hungry Hungry Hippos, just because he was having a bad week.  Does that or does that not sound like a true champion?  Not only a champion of the ring, but of the mind and soul as well?  Rob Van Dam, I salute you.  Salute you right through these…

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Man, my arm is tired.  You know what?  Screw, RVD.  Kane didn’t want no Hungry Hungry Hippos.  Kane needs to hook up with Theodore Long.  Teddy can get him some of that PHAT booty that Kane likes.  Will this match never end?  You know what I was just thinking?  What’s up with cookies anyway?  You buy a litte bag of cookies and what does it say?  Serving Size Two Cookies.  Bull crap two cookies.  I’m going to eat the whole damn bag and the wrapper too, so quit pretending like I’m not.  Same thing goes for napkins.  Randy runs at Jericho and falls over.  HOLY CRAP!  ORTON HIT HIS FINISHER ON HIMSELF!  That’s worth a replay…wait…this time Jericho falls over.  These must be some crazy bad cookies.  Orton wins.

(ads.  Seeing this Brock Lesnar commercial reminds me of a wish I have in life.  I wish I had an identical twin brother.  He could get REALLY muscular, and I would get REALLY fat.  And then we could run off and do before and after commercials and make a fortune.  Why more identical twins don’t do this, I have no idea.)

Pretty Randy is mumbling to himself backstage.  Bischoff walks up to him, and asks Randy what’s on his mind.  Randy says that he’s pissed off that he got hit with his own finisher, and wants to take it out on Mick Foley…TONIGHT!  Bischoff says, “Sure.”  Austin drives by on his four wheeler dragging a “Tribute to TOMMY F’N DREAMER” Parade Float behind him.  This is the one where his balls swelled to the size of watermellons.  TAKE THAT, VINCE!!  I LOVE Tommy Dreamer Day!

Trish thanks Jericho for not letting Kane rape her, and asks him if he’s seen Stanky so that she can get a load of his stank.  Jericho asks Trish if they can make out now, but Trish says that they should be just friends.  Ooooh.  PEDIGREE TO JERICHO’S HEART!  Man, if the acting wasn’t SO horrible I’d be this close to feeling bad for him.  Uh… |    |  <- That close.  Sorry, I keep forgetting you can’t see my hands.  Unless you can.  That’d mean you’re either a wicked psycic or that crazy guy who lives in my closet.  Hey, Big Crazy Earl!  This segment’s got nothin’.  Wait…here’s Chris Tian to brighten my day by bringing logic to this conversation!

CT:  Dude, have you guys seen my Big Crazy Earl?  I think I forgot him when we were partying down with Stacy.
TS:  I knew it!  You were cheating on me all along! 

Trish storms off.

CJ:  Dude!  Quit doing that.  I never cheated on you with Stacy!!
CT:  Ha, ha.  Chris, you don’t need that, man.  What you need is a trophy wife.
CJ:  I’ve already got one of those.  Now I’m looking for a mistress.
CT:  Oh.  Crap.  Sorry about that then.  Uh…Wanna go after the Tag Titles?
CJ:  AGAIN?
CT:  Chris, seriously, man.  It’s all I can do.  I’m just not a very good singles wrestler.
CJ:  Ugh.  Fine.  But this time, you get pinned.
CT:  All right!

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Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Lita v. Molly Holly and Jazz (w/ Theodore Long)

Rank the Stank!  I like that one.  Stevie is just happy to be out here tonight.  Apparently the WWE is looking for Divas to be in Playboy and this match is to…Ok, hold up for a second.  Playboy has made it explicitly clear that they are bringing in Torrie and Sable.  The photo shoot is in the bag and everything.  There’s even an ad on their website about it.  You are NOT fooling ME, WWE.  Nuh-uh.  And, what, do they not expect me to know the time table from photo shoot to production to publication?  They expect me to believe that the photos will just magically appear like so many marshmallows in a bowl of Lucky Charms in Playboy when they announce that Torrie and Sable did it?  No no no no no.  Hey, when the hell did Victoria become attractive?  Why didn’t I get the memo?  Where’s Alexis Laree?  Victoria wins because she’s the new Ivory a Couple Months Ago.

Triple H is walking around backstage.  He carries the belt as if to say, “I’ve got a belt.”

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He STILL has the belt on the way to the ring.  How about that?  Shawn Michaels skips out.

HHH:  Shawn, dude, as your friend, I’ve gotta tell you.  Lay off the rouge, dude.  Blending is your friend.
SM:  I know.  I know.  It got all splotchy, so I just put a bunch on to cover it up, but now I look like a low priced hooker.
HHH:  At least you’re rocking the kickass face bandage.  We’re starting a new trend in wrestling!
SM:  Hell yeah, man.  Soon Jarrett will be wearing THREE to try to be cooler than us.
HHH:  Speaking of cool, we showed everybody last night, eh?
SM:  Yeah!  No ending for you!
HHH:  Man, I bet we can stretch this all the way out to next year’s Royal Rumble!

That comment brings out Stone Cold Steve Austin on his Four Wheeler of Dreamer Celebration.

SA:  Guys, I’m afraid you won’t be able to do that.
HHH:  Why not?
SA:  Vince is really busting my balls to make the main event something…well…other than you guys.
SM:  So, what, you’re moving Bob Holly over from Smackdown?
SA:  Well…uh…something like that.  See, Hunter, I have a way to cripple your title reign….

…

SA:  I said…I have a way to CRIPPLE your title reign.

…

SA:  Man…this is a little embarrassing.
HHH:  It’s ok.  Being unable to perform your duties is common for men of our age and physical condition.  I just always tell Steph that her boobs just aren’t big enough.
SM:  And I tell Whyspyr that it’s because she’s a gold digging hobag.
HHH:  Good one!
SM:  I learned it by watching the guys on Lifetime!

Benoit’s music plays.  BENOIT?  OH WHAT A SHOCKING SWERVE~!

CB:  Triple H.  Uh…I’ma gonna beat you!

As Benoit and Austin drive off in the Moving Tribute to Dreamer, Triple H and Shawn share a look.

SM:  What the hell was that?
HHH:  A midget?  Was that Max Mini?  I’m fighting Max Mini at WrestleMania?
SM:  He could barely speak English.  What the hell has this company come to?
HHH:  Man.  I can’t wait to the net trash on THIS guy.  I mean, what does he have going for him?  A scruffy beard?  Hell, Goldberg has a scruffy beard and they STILL trash on him.
SM:  Don’t say that “still” stuff, man.  He might be listening.
HHH:  Oh.  No crap, man.  I can just see those geeks right now….

“WTF~!?  Max Mini v. HHH at WrestleMania?  OMG that’s a Main Event that sU><0rZ!  I mean, I’ll spot Max ** for the scruffy beard, but the guy couldn’t work his way out of a paper sack.  Triple H better be able to carry him (and believe me, he can~!), and retain the title or else this’ll go down as the worst Mania match since that Bret/Owen fiasco.  I’m a Mr. Know-it-all who sits on the net all day and wipes my face with fries.  –Scott Keith”

SM:  That’s TOTALLY what they’ll say.  That’s SO ACCURATE!
HHH:  I knows my Internet!

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Bubba Ray Dudley v. Kane

I was just saying, this show needed some more Dudleyz.  Actually, I wasn’t saying that at all.  So why is he here?  Kane feels my pain and hits Bubba with some stairs drawing the DQ.  Hey, Bubba’s wearing the tape too.  That’s SO COOL!  D-Von tries to get his beard some screen time, but he gets Tombstoned.  Suddenly, the lights go out.

BONG.  BONG.

“Kaaaaaane…This is The Undertaker…I…uh…I forgot to unplug my curling iron!  My house is probably burnt down, but if it isn’t…could…could you go over there and unplug it?  That’d be super great.  And if Sara died in the flames…oh…you’re family.  Go ahead and go at it you goofball.  Man, I’m going to miss you.  Oops.  My psychic phone minutes for the week are almost up.  Damn 4 minute plan.  Talk at you next week!”

Kane is…well…confused?  Puzzled?  Perplexed?  Uh…He’s Kane.

Incidentally, I think the T-Bone Perplex would be an AWESOME finisher.

Eric Bischoff is on the phone with Paul Heyman.

PH:  First Mike Awesome, now this!
EB:  Hey, I had nothing to do with that! 
PH:  I can’t believe you stole away the guy I hated.  What’s next?  Are you going to come in here and take away Shannon Moore?
EB:  Rosey HAS been nice lately.
PH:  Errg.  You’re missing the point.  QUIT STEALING MY WRESTLERS!
EB:  I’ll give you Goldberg for Two Benoits and a Shannon Moore.
PH:  Two…Ugh.  I’m hanging up now, because, you sir, are an idiot.
EB:  But Goldberg’s Jewish.  You can go to the Matzo Ball together.

*click*

Coach comes in and says that Goldberg is pretty pissed that Bischoff was trying to trade him.  Bischoff books Coach/Goldberg tonight to appease everyone!  Well…except Coach.  And…uh…everyone else.

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Rob Conway (w/ Rene Dupree) v. Rico (w/ Jackie Gayda)

Man, this is the BEST HEAT EVER!!  Dupree distracts Rico by doing his fruity dance.  Jackie distracts Conway by taking off her shirt.  This time it was intentional!  Screw Terri, this is the true Nipp…HOLY GEESE!  JACKIE DOESN’T HAVE ANY NIPPLES ANY MORE!  Conway is so surprised by this fact that he just kind of wanders into a Rico pin.  I mean…I just saw them not too long ago.  Did she lose them in a bet?  Is Sable going to show up in Playboy with nipples on her ass?  My Darling Stacy runs out because she knows that I love boobies.  Uh…but not as much as legs.  I promise, honey.  Hey, the last time somebody with no nipples flashed the crowd was when Dawn Marie did it to promote the Girls Gone Wild PPV.  Holy hell, STACY promoted that!  A Girls Gone Wild v. Playboy CrossBrand Feud simply cannot be far behind!

This WrestleMania Moment is Nathan Jones’ stunning WrestleMania debut last year!  How will he top it this year?  Stay Tuned!

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Mick Foley finally shows up.  Seriously.  I WANT this job.  He’s, what, 1 hour and 30 minutes late, and nobody gives a crap.  They’re just happy to see him!  I can shove my socks in people’s mouths, and I’m a way better writer than ol’ fries and waffles Foley.  CALL ME, WWE! 

Coach is in the ring talking directly to me about how he doesn’t want to fight Goldberg.  Listen, John.  My name isn’t Mr. Bischoff, and I can’t help you.  You’re pretty much SOL and you know what that means!  BAA BAA!  Mark Jindrak must be backstage crying right now.  Say, isn’t that Rodney Mack’s music?  Must mean that it’s time for Stanky (w/ Theodore Long)!  Sure enough!  They offer their services to help put a Stankin’ on Goldberg.  Actually, Mark says something more like, “Coach, I’m gonna…uh…muh stank…Goldberg….yeah.”

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Bill Goldberg v. Jonathan Coachman (w/ Theodore Long and Stanky)
No Disqualification Match

Coach is Henrying up in the corner.  You gotta wait to do that, man.  Coach works the Fujiwara armbar and a bunch of other restholds with Japanese names until Goldberg powers out and beats everybody up.  Goldberg calls out Brock Lesnar, any time and anywhere!  Forget Brad and Jeb’s HHH/HBK interview.  This one has CLASSIC written all over it.

GB:  Your ass is next, you ass!
BL:  Why so, violent, Bill Goldberg?  I don’t want to fight you, Bill Goldberg.
GB:  Shut your ass or else my ass will be on your ass to bring the pain of a thousand fiery asses!
BL:  Pain, Bill Goldberg?  HERE COMES THE PAIN, BILL GOLDBERG!
GB:  Bring it on, you ass!  This ass is my ass, this ass is your ass, from California’s ass to New York’s ass, this ass was made for you and me.
BL:  Are you getting as hot as I am, Bill Goldberg?  You’re making me sweat, Bill Goldberg.
GB:  FEAR THE SPEAR!
BL:  I’m next!
BG:  I’m an ass man…woah…Yes I’m an ass man.

Save it for PPV you three.

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Mick Foley calls out Pretty Randy Orton for an interview segment.  THIS is your main event.  Foley grabs the mic.

I remember the warmth of your spit, Randy Orton, and it was good.  Man, I really miss that.  Could you just spit on me a couple times?  (Orton does)  That’s awesome.  Wow.  Really brings me back.  Did you know Vader used to spit on me all the time?  True story.  I get it all at home.  Pee, poop.  All the bathroom stuff, but there ain’t nothing quite like the feeling of being spat on by an overhyped wrestler.  No offense to, Vader, of course.  Now, Sting, Sting could really spit.  There’s a whole disk of this crap on my DVD set, so I’m just going to move on.  I came back to RAW because…honestly, I got back home after I left Tampa, and I realized, “Holy Crap, Mick, you’ve got stuff to sell, you’d better get back on TV.”  So here I am.  Anyway, I was thinking, you’re not really all that Pretty, you know.  I mean, I’m nobody to talk, right?  But honestly, you have these googly kind of eyes.  You look like one of those guys in porno.  The ones where they’re going at the girl and then they quick cut to the guy and ruin your flow, and they stay on him for just a few seconds too long and it gets REAL uncomfortable, because you’re pretty sure you didn’t rent the porn for the guy.  You’re that guy.  And I’m the guy who sold that tape.  Everybody loves that guy, because I may be dirty and grungy and be missing half an ear, but I provide you with some excitement in your meaningless lives.  You, you’re the guy who breaks up that excitement with your dripping sweat, pseudo-good looks and over-exaggerated expressions of pleasure.  You’re not fooling anybody, dude.  You knew the director.  You didn’t come up through the ranks of gay porn like the rest of the guys in the back.  You got thrown right in there with the real good bitches, and you liked it.  Yeah you did.  You got a sweet deal working with guys and girls who people like.  They buy the tape for those guys and you come on and their like…UGH!  It’s that guy, and they try to fast forward, but it’s too frickin’ late.  They’re already staring at your ugly assed naked body.  Nobody likes that guy, Randy.  And nobody likes you.  And believe me, a guy in flannel and sweatpants with this haircut and a sock hanging out of his underwear knows a thing or two about porn.  Well, Orton.  That stops here.  Because I’m not going to sell that tape anymore.  People flipping to RAW to watch Hunter and Shawn’s Excellent Assventure or Superhero Sex 38:  Rosey and The Hurricane Cum Through or even Kane’s Little Dark Secret or God Forbid Deep Inside:  Lita, won’t have to stare at your ugly face slapping anyone’s ass anymore.  NOT ON MY METAPHORICAL PORN WATCH!

Foley attacks!  Flair and Batista run down to try to stop the beating…I guess Triple H just doesn’t’ care?  They succeed temporarily, but Foley is back in and hitting everyone with a chair.  He hits himself in the face a bunch of times until he’s bleeding all over the place.  Holy hell, what was going on there?

Next Week:  Sigh…Apparently something in the Royal Rumble Rules says that you have to be an “Active” member of the roster to get a WrestleMania Title shot, which, despite being the Stacy Champion, I am not, so there goes my dreams.  Spike Dudley won’t get a shot either, because he can hardly be defined as “Active” either.  Mick takes poor li’l Benoit to Vince Russo’s to explain what he was trying to say.  Shawn Michaels begins his epic feud with Satan.

Did I just make an almost page long wrestling interview about porno?  What the hell?!
 

E-MAIL MATT    
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