by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Mick Foley said some very chilling words about Pretty Randy Orton’s career in porn.  Kane was Gonged.  Or is that Gong’D?  And Triple H and Shawn Michaels had their party spoiled by a run-in from Chris Benoit.  Can workrate be far behind?  Find out…TONIGHT!

Chris Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel.  Geez, I haven’t seen one of these in forever.  Are they still building the Piper feud? Chris calls out his guest, Chris Benoit!  No!  NO! NO!  If you want Benoit to stay over, do NOT under any circumstances give him mic time.  Oh God.  Didn’t you listen to a WORD that Crazy Old Man told you when he sold you Benoit?

Ted Turner:  Now, Vince.  I want you to listen very carefully.
Vince McMahon:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
TT:  This is serious business!
VM:  Whatever.
TT:  Vince, you can’t let Eddie, Dean, Perry, or Chris eat after midnight and you can’t let them get wet!
VM:  Why not?
TT:  Uh…it’s just not cool.
VM:  Whatever.  I’m out of here.
TT:  Wait!  Don’t ever!  EVER!  Let Chris get mic time.  It’ll kill his heat.
VM:  Whateva.  You’re annoying.  Tell Jane I said “Nice Legs, biatch.”
TT:  She won’t talk to me anymore.

And then Vince let Dean eat some chips one night and Perry got all wet when he was making out with Moppy and what happened?  That’s right.  They exploded.  So that should have taught Vince a lesson.  About…uh…something.  Ric Flair dashes out.

RF:  Nononononono!  WOOOO!  You’re not getting any mic time TONIGHT!  NO SIR!  I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last night, fat boy!
CJ:  Nancy?
RF:  Uuuiooou…Uh…No.  Never mind.

Library Studies Major Eric Bischoff is out.

EB:  Nar, how does everybody like my glasses?
RF:  What the hell is going wrong with this show?  WOO!
CJ:  Benoit.  Run.  Go the hell back to Smackdown, or else you’ll be in this same skit for the rest of your life.
EB:  I’m so smart now.  I’m going to book a workrate match.
CJ:  RUN!
CB:  But…But….
RF:  NO!  HE’S TALKING!  AAAAHHHHH!
EB:  It’s going to be Chris Benoit versus…uh…Mark Henry!
CB:   NOOOOOOooooooooooo….
RF:  I need to go find Triple H so that you can job to him before you lose all your heat and make it pointless.

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OMG Chris Benoit~! v. Stanky (w/ Theodore Long)
In A Match that Features WORKRATE~!
*********************

Mark outworks the hell out of Benoit.  Nobody will have more workrate than the Stank.  But then Mark kind of falls asleep and Benoit gets the win.  I’m not sure what the hell happened here, but I think I love it. 

Here’s a Wrestlemania commercial for you.

SM:  I look like a girl.
HHH:  Teehee…Shawn looks like a girl.
RF:  WOO!
BT:  I’m probably not going to be on the show.
CJ:  Dammit.  I’m fighting Chris Tian?
SM:  Seriously.  Who the hell picked out my outfit?
HHH:  I did, of course.  I think it’s sexy.
RVD:  Man, I dunno what the hell we’re talking about.
SA:  What?
VM:  WrestleMania!  It’s like Christmas or Easter!  You have to go!  Or…Whatever!

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Steve Austin is backstage with Shawn Michaels. 

SA:  So…uh…You should wrestle that HHH guy again.
SM:  I can’t.  Benoit won the Royal Rumble.
SA:  Oh.  Well…then you should eat plenty of vegetables.
SM:  Huh?
SA:  This segment is meant to confuse people about what the main event at WrestleMania will be.
SM:  Goldberg/Lesnar, right?
SA:  Well…I mean…yeah.  Crap.  What the hell are we doing.
SM:  Wasting air time.
SA:  Cool.  Did you see the boobies at the Super Bowl?
SM:  What the hell?
SA:  Totally.

Coach is wearing a WrestleMania XX knit cap.  Come on.  That can’t really exist, can it?

Test is walking around backstage when he runs into Mick Foley.

TT:  I am happy just to be on this show.
MF:  AND not jobbing to Rico.
TT:  Damn straight.
MF:  Sorry I knocked you out at he Royal Rumble.
TT:  I was happy just to be on TV!  Mick, look out for that patch of ice!

Mick slips and falls over.  Pretty Randy Orton runs out from behind a curtain.

RO:  YES!  AHAHAHAHA!  THAT’S MY MOVE!  I win!

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Rene Dupree (w/ Rob Conway) v. Rico (w/ Miss Jackie)

Both guys prance around the ring and decide that fighting would be silly.  I hope that when Sylvain comes back they do a huge angle where he’s jealous that Rene has been spending all sorts of time with Rob and not even mentioning him, and then Rob swerves poor Rene and joins forces with Sylvan and they fight it out at Wrestlemania 10-X-1 for the World Title.  My Darling Stacy runs out and shows everybody but me her ass.  That wasn’t nice.  Rico wins.  Stacy gets on the STICK!  She cuts a better promo that Foley or Rock or Flair could ever dream of about how it’s every little girl’s dream to be ogled.  Then she dances around.  Jackie Gayda stands around like a whore.  MATCH OF THE YEAR!  HEY!  Rick promised me nipples.

Chris Tian is backstage reading Entertainment Weekly.  Trish walks by. 

CT:  You know who I hate?
TS:  Who?
CT:  Joey Styles.  I mean, 1Wrestling had a good thing going, and then HE shows up, and now look what happened!
TS:  Huh?
CT:  Who will visit 1Wrestling NOW to read that “Chris Tian getting release???!” or “Steve Austin fed up with segment with Shawn Michaels?!”
TS:  I don’t get it.
CT:  Don’t you go on the Internet?
TS:  No.  Everybody on there is creepy.
CT:  Like me?  The Creepy Litt….
TS:  That one’s not getting over.
CT:  Dammit.  Anyway, if I ever see that Joey Styles, I’m going to hit him with a chair.
TS:  Good luck?

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Another WrestleMania ad!

SD:  Why are you even interviewing me?  I’m probably not even going to go.
CB:  Damn, it’s going to be pretty sweet when I take the belt back to the hotel and wear it around naked.  Yeah!
BT:  I’m still pretty sure I’m not on the card.
RO:  God, please, just let me go over Foley.
MF:  God, if you can hear me, don’t let Orton go over.
SM:  I STILL look like a girl.
HHH:  That’s right you do.
RVD:  Whoa.  WrestleMania is like that arcade game right?  That was cool!
VM:  WrestleMania.  C’Mon, do it for Uncle Vince!

Linda McMahon sez vote or else she’ll come back on TV!  That’s it!  I’m going to vote for Lash Larue!

Trish is in the ring.  Eric Bischoff appears on the TitanTron.  It seems rather than book the predictable Molly Holly match, Eric has decided that the show needs a little bit more Kane.  Thank you, Eric.  Then he gets knocked over by the boom mic.  “My GLASSES!  Oh no!  Has anybody seen my glasses?!”  I’m sure RVD and Scooby’re on the case.  Kane runs out to get a piece of Trish, but Chris Jericho doesn’t care too much for that idea, and himself runs out to take out Kane.  However, in doing so, he slips on a patch of ice and breaks his leg.  He should sue.  Pretty Randy Orton celebrates this latest win backstage.  Upon seeing that Trish is mostly plastic, and therefore probably flame retardant, Kane decides instead to set Lillian on fire and wait for his match.

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Trish runs to Jericho backstage to find out if his broken leg is all right.  Apparently it was just mildly bruised.  Jericho oversells EVERYTHING.  Christian tells Trish to stop trying to give up the goods to Jericho and either show him the boobies or get out of there.  Offended that anyone would thing of precious little Trish Stratus as a sex symbol, Trish runs off in a huff.  Jericho, feeling better now that his “broken leg” has been fixed, tells Christian to stop cramping his style or Jericho won’t let Tian have a WrestleMania match.  Christian promises to be good.

Kane v. Bill Goldberg

Kane is STILL in the ring, and his music is STILL playing.  What a trooper.  Kane awaits not only Goldberg, but the next communication from his dead brother.  What will he want this time?  Milquetoast?  For Kane to send a threatening letter to Jessica Simpson?  World Peace?  Goldberg comes running out, but he gets struck by lightning.  God SMITES AT THEE for that beard!  Goldberg says “Ah, screw this,” and runs back to the locker room where God can’t find him OR his beard.  Suddenly, one of the cameramen accidentally knocks over the fog machine, and the ring fills with fog.  “What the Hell?” wonders Kane.  When suddenly, it happens….

BONG.  BONG.

Kane feels a presence in the ring and spins around.  It’s PAPA SHANGO!  UNHOLY CRAP!

PS:  Umanummana HoodieHOO! 
KN:  What the hell?  I thought I was supposed to be feuding with the Undertaker.
UT:  Kane…Kaaaaane…It’s me.  From the dead again.  Hey, listen.  I think I like it dead.  I hear it’s pretty cold up there, and besides, Satan has promised me that I don’t have to hug Fred Durst anymore.  I’ma just stay down here for a while.  Have fun feuding with Papa, though.
PS:  Vooodooochiiiiilliiiii!  Oooowitchiiiiiiiwooooomaaaaaan!  Yeaaaaaaaaa!
KN:  This sucks.  I liked it better when you were pimpin’ hoes.
PS:  You never ever took the bait, you stupid piece of crap.
KN:  Shut up, dude.  You’re not the boss of me.
PS:  Enjoy your big WrestleMania feud with a stupid voodoo witchdoctor, bitch.
KN:  Aw, dammit.
PS:  Nowammiesnowammiesnowammies
KN:  Stop.
Crowd:  BIG BUCKS!  Three Hundred Dollars and a Spin!

The TV feed cuts out!  Spooooooky!

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Matt Hardy Version Heat v. Booker T

By saying that his chest hair grows swiftly, he’s admitting that he shaves his chest.  Do women really dig that?  Well, jobbing to Booker T. is kinda better than jobbing to Zach Gowan.  Even though Zach was the PWI ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!  Matt hits the CHINLOCK~! which is an obvious sign of the presence of WORKRATE~!  Since when have Lawler and Coach been falling all over themselves to praise each other?  Or am I not supposed to ask that?  Booker T hits the Ask Kick, and picks up the win.  We’ll just pretend that THIS was their WrestleMania match.

Pretty Randy Orton is backstage with Shawn Michaels…

RO:  That last match gave me an idea for how to beat you.
SM:  You’re going to shave my chest?
RO:  Maybe later if you ask nicely handsome.
SM:  Say, have you seen those WrestleMania ads?
RO:  You’re almost as pretty as me!
SM:  Yeah, what the hell is up with that?
RO:  Except for the receding hairline.
SM:  Hey!
RO:  I’ve got it!
SM:  Got what?
RO:  Stank!  Wait…no…Uh…Oh!  A way to solve your hair problems.
SM:  If you’re about to suggest comb-over, I think you’re a genius.
RO:  Nonononono!  I’ll shave your chest and tape your chest hair to your head!
SM:  That’s crazy go nuts!  Let’s do it!

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Triple H is out.  He grabs the mic and says that he and Benoit will sign a contract next week that will give Triple H 14.2% of Benoit’s WORKRATE~! in exchange for .28% of Triple H’s backstage pull.  This means that Benoit can use the executive bathroom at Titan Towers, and also that he doesn’t have to job to Funaki.  TOMMY F’N DREAMER got the same deal when he busted Jericho open that one time.  Triple H then promises to continue a feud that hasn’t yet been blown off….

Triple H v. Spike Dudley

Man!  This feud is a year old, when Triple H finished Spike off with a sleeper, and Spike was so indignant that he jobbed to Triple H in arenas around the country for several months.  Longtime fans of this column will remember such classic Triple H/Spike moments as the time Spike jobbed to Hunter inside a dumpster!  I’d forgotten ALL about this classic feud.  While I was typing all that, HHH won.  Something tastes kinda nutty.  I could use some brown sugar.

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Steve Austin is backstage with Goldberg.

SA:  Hey, man.  Sorry we couldn’t fuse again before you had to go.
BG:  It’s ok, you ass.  My ass and your ass just didn’t belong as one ass, I ass.
SA:  Right.  Hey, to make it up to you, I stole this ticket from Matt Hardy’s bag.
BG:  Whose ass is that ticket’s ass for?
SA:  Yours, man.  Go on over to No Way Out and beat up Brock Lesnar.
BG:  My ass is going to miss your ass.
SA:  Hey, at least you lasted longer than Scott Hall.
BG:  ….
SA:  ‘s ass.
BG:  Yeah.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Ric Flair v. Chrises Jericho and Tian

Jericho’s leg got better.  Early in the match, Dave runs over and starts complaining to Christian about how he thought that he was supposed to be feuding with Reverend D-Von, and how all this stuff is confusing to HIM.  Meanwhile, Jericho locks in the Wall, but Flair reverses into the Figure Four and Jericho taps.  What a wuss.  NOBODY taps to the Figure Four.  Hell, Vince Russo doesn’t even SELL the Figure Four.  And people wonder why Jericho isn’t in the main event.  Come on, guys, he’s a WUSS!

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This week’s classic WrestleMania moment is Some Football Player getting eliminated from a battle royal.  Eat it, TNA!

Shawn Michaels v. Pretty Randy Orton

The first fourty five minutes is a chinlock.  WORKRATE~!  Orton tries to get his big plan started, but it goes awry when the referee falls over instead.  OH NO!  Steve Austin wheels on out on the Stone Cold Trike and takes the old ref away, and a new ref takes his place.  Then Austin steals the Intercontinental Title.  I hope he doesn’t throw it off a bridge.  Orton tries working his mojo again, but both he AND Shawn fall over.  Well…it’s a start.  You know what?  Time for some….

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CHINLOCK~!  CHINLOCK~!  CHINLOCK~!  ORTON WITH THE CHINLOCK, HE’S A WRESTLING GOD~!!!!!!!  Wait!  I get it now!!  Orton’s working the chinlock so that Michael’s chin swells up and he gets top-heavy and can’t help but…FALL OVER!  That’s just another reason why Randy Orton is the greatest wrestler in history.  Unfortunately, Mick Foley ruins the awesome party by running out and making fart noises at Orton.  Orton is so put off by Foley’s foolish behavior that he misses getting kicked in the face and he jobs. 

Mick and Randy fight out into the crowd when Evolution runs out.  Triple H tells Flair and Dave to go get Randy so that he can get in a few PEDIGREES TO ORTON to make up for all the ones he’s missed the last few weeks.  Shawn Michaels tries to get all up in HHH’s area, but he’s no DJ Ran, so Hunter wins the battle.  But then, like little mini lightning, Chris Benoit runs out and has a staring contest with HHH’s nipples.  Triple H is SO afraid of Benoit’s SCRUFFY BEARD~! that he bails.  Benoit and Michaels shake hands in a REALLY tense moment.

SM:  Grr.
CB:  GRRRR!
SM:  You’re not so tall.
CB:  What’s YOUR catchphrase?  Hairless aggression?
SM:  This isn’t over!
CB:  What isn’t?
SM:  The show.  Just keep holding this pose for a few more sec….

Next Week:  Chris Benoit needs a highchair get up to the table to sign the contract.  Chris Jericho breaks his arm, but it’s healed just in time for the big concert to save Old Mr. Bentley’s Radio Shack from the evil creditors.  Kane gets freaked out when the Titan Tron starts raining blood.

Seriously, Chris Benoit is the best wrestler guy this side of ALF!  RESTHOLD~!

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