by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

1.     Thanks to everyone who responded to my query about PPV locations.  I’ve secured a spot for Mania.  I may watch No Way Out at the Hooters in Madison.  Just a heads up to all you lady types.

2.     I’m going to be writing a Special Satire some time in the next several weeks, but I need YOUR help (that’s right.  You.).  Send your suggestions to [email protected] by Saturday night on which of the following I should write.  Or vote HERE in the OO Forums.  Votes will be tallied on Sunday, and I’ll get to work.  A winner be announced next column.

Your choices are:

Lord of the Ring: Follow the tale of Chris Benoit as he moves from his sunny home on the Smackdown Midcard to the dark foreboding main event of RAW. What fate will befall him as the evil eye of Vince McMahon and the magic of Triple H try to stop him from taking the World Title into WrestleMania. Helping Chris in his journey, a fellowship of nine wrestlers with their own styles and quirks.

HHHamlet: Vince McMahon has gone bonkers and booked himself to marry Stephanie McMahon on Smackdown's next Pay Per View. Follow the adventures into the psyche of WWE Superstar Triple H as he tries to keep himself from going nuts. This one is sure to give a different, yet entirely similar, meaning to PEDIGREE TO ORTON.

Romeo and Jericho: Chris Jericho is in love. However, he soon learns that his beloved Trish has been traded to Smackdown because the women's divison on RAW has gotten too over. Will the brand split be enough to keep Chris from his lovely bride?

Shawn and Hunter are Friends: Shawn Michaels and Triple H couldn't be more different. If Shawn thinks one way, Hunter thinks another. So how do these two remain friends? RAW Satire investigates.

Untitled X-Men Project: Professor Vince McMahon has assembled the greatest team of professional wrestlers in history for one purpose, to fight the forces of evil. Who will be booked to survive as good battles evil across the nation?

Now…On with the Satire~!

Last Week:  Triple H had his nipples examined by a feisty Chris Benoit.  Randy Orton successfully defeated all comers with a few patches of well placed ice.  Papa Shango announced his intention to fight Kane at WrestleMania.  Will he announce anything else…TONIGHT?

(Opening Credits)

Goldberg is coming out.  I love his theme.  From the mooooooountains, to the praaaaaaaaaaairies to the oceans white with foooooooooooam…

Goldberg v. Vince McMahon

Wow!  I never expected THIS one to be booked.  Vince storms out and grabs a mic.  A mic?  When are they going to wrestle?  Steve Austin wheels down to the ring.  He’s a mountie.  He’s handsome, he’s brave, he’s strong.  He’s a mountie, and he enforces the Law.  Very musical night tonight on RAW.  Austin grabs a mic too, but before HE can say anything, here’s Paul Heyman.  What the hell show am I watching?

BG:  Uh…what in the ass is going on in this ass?
SA:  That’s what I’m wondering.  You guys don’t belong on the show.
VM:  I’m here on This Very RAW to increase ratings.  I’ve brought my friend Paul Heyman to discuss something about Smackdown.
PH:  Goldberg, it’s come to my attention that you are Jewish.
BG:  Yeah, my ass is a Jewish ass.  What does your ass give an ass about its ass for?
PH:  Goldberg, on Smackdown we’ve got me and A-Train, there’s only so many kosher pickles to go around, you know?  We’d like it if you’d stay on RAW.
BG:  Then send Brock Lesnar’s ass onto RAW’s ass.
PH:  I don’t think that’s a very good idea.  What do you have to say to that?
BG:  UuuaaaaaaaGH?
PH:  Hey, it’s nothing personal.  You’re just treading water until you leave and I’m just waiting until Vince starts that ECW brand.
VM:  Hehehehehe…
PH:  What?
SA:  What?
BG:  Ass?

Goldberg spears Paul.  Poor Paul.  Goldberg is in the spearin’ mood, so he spears Austin too.  On another night, under a different alignment of stars, with a different ratio of sweat to beer to body oil they may have morphed once again to Wrestling SuperPowerHouse, Stone Man Still Austinberg, but instead, the oil on their many man chests causes Austinberg-creating friction to drop to nil, and Goldberg slips off Austin and ends up outside the ring.  Vince McMahon wins by count out.  VINCE BEATS GOLDBERG!!!

(ads)

Steve Austin is pouting backstage when Goldberg approaches.

BG:  Sorry my ass speared your ass out there.  I guess my ass was just in an ass spearing mood.
SA:  You should go find Pat Paterson.
BG:  Who’s ass?
SA:  Never mind.

Then, for no reason at all, Goldberg begins cribbing his manly man notes from Homestar Runner.

BG:  So…we’w cool…wight?  Cause I’m cool…youw cool…evwebody’s cool.
SA:  I’m going to Stunner you in your sleep.
BG:  Wight…Wight…Talk to you latew…then…We’w still cool.

Vince is standing around in Eric Bischoff’s office. 

VM:  Listen.  Goldberg can’t show up at No Way Out.  It’ll ruin the whole thing.
EB:  Why?  Because he’ll eat all the cotton candy?
VM:  No, because if he shows up then Eddie Guererro wins the WWE Title.
EB:  So?
VM:  You’ve got Benoit at Mania here.  You ran WCW, tell me what problem you see.
EB:  Oh…Geez.  Nobody’s going to pay to see all these midgets main eventing.
VM:  Geez.  I even heard that Malenko was talking about coming back from the dead to wrestle Lita.  I don’t even know if a special match featuring Papa Shango could survive all this crap.
EB:  You’ve always got Ultimo Dragon.
HHH:  Hehehe…Yeah Vince.  You could always have Ultimo Dragon win the World Title.
VM:  Where the hell did you learn to book, Eric?  Mars?  Anyway, I’m suspending Goldberg.
EB:  You mean deactivating?
VM:  No.  Huh?
EB:  He’s a robot.  Fit Finlay built him.
VM:  No way.  So I could just resign him by promising to give him a bunch of oil or something?
EB:  I dunno.  Probably.  In WCW we just let him have sex with the copier.  That seemed to tide him over.
VM:  How come that wasn’t on the Best of the Monday Night Wars DVD?
EB:  It’s an Easter Egg.
VM:  Don’t you mean a…Hanukah Egg?!
EB:  AHAHAHAHAHA
VM:  AHAHAHAHAHAHA
HHH:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
EB:  AHAHAHAHAHA
PH:  AHAHA…What are we laughing at?
VM:  Hey, Paul.  Uh…Wow.  Look at us.  All the heads of all the major companies.
JJ:  Howdy y’all.
HHH:  Out, Jarrett.
JJ:  Oooh…
EB:  This is totally crazy.
PH:  Sure is.
VM:  Wanna go get some strippers and remember the days when wrestling was popular?
EB:  DO I!
PH:  I heard Torrie and Sable are working over at Visions!
VM:  Let’s roll!

Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus v. Matt Hardy and Molly Holly

Poor, Lita.  Shoulda put out more while you were hurt, and YOU could have been Molly Holly.  Wait…Anyway, about 10 seconds in, Jericho breaks a nail and bails to the outside.  Trish and Molly go at it…mmm…uh…when Chris Tian appears from the crowd and attacks Matt Hardy.  What do they have a bet to see who can move up from side kick to woman’s accessory the fastest?  Trish wins the match.  Isn’t Molly feuding with Stevie Richards or something?  I thought I read about that on some Heat report.  Jericho is still holding his finger as we move to….

(ads)

Chis Tian is backstage with Trish.

CT:  How is Jericho?
TS:  What do you care you big meanie?
CT:  Did you just call me the Blue Meanie?
TS:  No.
CT:  Oh.  I’m here because I totally want to tap that ass.
TS:  Jericho’s?
CT:  Ye…uh…No.  Yours.  Totally.  Totally Ass Tapable.
TS:  I’m the TAT, huh?  That’s nice.
CT:  Yeah.  Just like I’m the CL….
TS:  STOP THAT!  It’s not getting over.
CT:  So, how’s Jericho?
TS:  It’s not looking good.  Dr. Rico might have to file.
CT:  Ooh….

Mark Jindrak and Jeff Jarrett are backstage looking at Playboys.

MJ:  Damn, dude.  That Torrie is TAT!
JJ:  Which one is Torrie?
MJ:  The one on the left.  Wait…Uh…TAT!
JJ:  I can’t believe they let my dad get kicked out of the building.  Those slappies.  Why I oughta send the nWo after them!
MJ:  Dude, you’re not even Jeff Jarrett.  You’re just some backstage guy like me.
GC:  It’s fun to pretend.

Jackie Gayda and My Darling Stacy waltz in.

MJ:  AHAHAHAH!  OWNED!  Playboy already shot these pictures WAY before you guys made a big deal out of it!
JG:  That’s ok!  We’re way better than Vapid 1 and Vapid 2!
MDS:  Right.  She’s got the T and I’ve got the A.
GC:  Test and Albert?
MJ:  You guys totally got the…SHAFT!!
MDS:  Well, we’re not going to TAKE IT LYING DOWN.
JG:  We’re going to GO DOWN and have a little meeting with Hugh Hefner.
MJ:  Make sure that he COMES up with a good solution.
MDS:  I think we’ve got a good chance of COMING out ON TOP.
GC:  Yeah.  It sounds like you guys really like to have SEX with LOTS OF PEOPLE!
MDS:  Ew!
JG:  That’s gross, Garrison.
MJ:  Yeah.  Get your mind out of the gutter, dude.
JG:  Hey, Stacy!  Do you have Los Fabulosos’ number still?  I bet we could raid Smackdown!
MDS:  Doesn’t Rico know Lenny and Lodi?
GC:  hehehehehe…Sex.

Mick Foley is wandering backstage.  He runs into Coach.

MF:  Geez.  Coach, do you know where the crackers are?
JC:  The crackers?  Aren’t you here to fight Pretty Randy Orton?
MF:  He’s a cracker, isn’t he?  Haha, just kidding.  I’m really hungry.
JC:  I dunno, Mick.  Have you tried asking out in the ring?
MF:  No, I hadn’t thought of that.  I’ll just go slip into my cracker eating bib and go out there.

WWE WRESTLEMANIA AD!

EG:  Hey, Esse!  I’m getting a title shot?  WTF?!  Nobody tell, Vince!
UT:  Dammit!!  You’re not supposed to see me yet!
MH:  It’s too late to get in on that Cruiserweight title thing, isn’t it?
SM:  Dammit…QUIT GIVING ME THIS DRESS TO WEAR!
HHH:  Teehee.
VM:  WrestleMania!  All the good matches are on this one.

(ads)

Chris Benoit v. Ric Flair
OMG WORKRATE~! Match

CHINLOCK~!  CHINLOCK~!  RESTHOLD~!!~!  This is the best ***** match since Ric Flair/Broom Stick ’93.  I think that was at Bash at the Beach.  Speaking of Bash at the Beach, this match reminds me of something.  More on that after the (ads).  Right now, I’d like to point out that Benoit and Flair are ALREADY blown up.  WORKRATE~!

(ads)

This match is totally WCW circa 1998.  This is like some sort of Nitro main event.  Is that WCW Referee Charles Robinson?  Maybe Sid will come out and clean house.  Mmm…WCW memories….

TS:  IT’S A NEW DAY FOR WCW!!
SR:  Tony!  Tony!  Where’s all the yaks?
TS:  This is the greatest Nitro in the history of our great sport, Stevie, The Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the Crippler Chris Benoit!
SR:  Tony!  Tony!  Can I ax you a question, Tony!
TS:  Go right ahead!
SR:  Why isn’t Booker T the World Champion, Tony?
TS:  Good question.  I’ll ponder that while I drink this refreshing SURGE!
SR:  Tony!  Tony!  I’m a former 10 times WCW Tag Team Champion, Tony!
TS:  That’s right you are (insincere laughter).
SR:  I oughta slapjack that cracka jack froot booty!
TS:  RIC FLAIR IS THROWN OFF THE TOP!  WHAT A SHOCKING SWERVE~!
SR:  Where’s Kwang, Tony!
TS:  I don’t know.  That’s his move!  Cover, one, two!  Benoit has won it!

HHH tells Bischoff to start the contract signin’.  Bischoff agrees.

(ads)

Eric Bischoff is out.  He introduces Benoit.  Then he introduces the man who needs no introduction.  Both men stand across the table from each other. 

HHH:  Chris.  I just want you to know something, Chris.  I’ve been watching you from afar, Chris, and you’re just not tall enough to be the World Champion, Chris.  But think about it, Chris.  It’s WrestleMania, Chris.  Your name is announced, Chris, to the sound of thunderous indifference from the marks, Chris.  Oh sure, a small little group of smarks will try to chant your name, Chris, but I’ll make sure that section isn’t mic’ed very well, Chris.  I’m sure Taker’s already taken care of it, Chris.  And then Chris, imagine it.  WrestleMania, Chris.  A Ladder match, Chris.  Imagine looking up from the ground, Chris, while Shawn and I fight over the title, Chris.  AHAHAHAHA…You suck, Chris.  Sorry.

Triple H signs by writing “Triple H” and then circling it.  Come on, dude.  That’s not even your real name.  If I look up (Triple H) in the Greenwich White Pag…Holy crap.  I’m sorry Mr. (Triple H).  I didn’t know.  Benoit was about to sign when suddenly, Shawn Michaels pranced out.  SIGN IT SIGN IT SIGN IT HURRY UP…OH IT”S TOO LATE!!  Michaels grabs the mic.

SM:  You suck.

SUPERKICK TO MICHAELS~!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!  Benoit grabs a bottle of white out from Bischoff’s pocket and whites out all the appearances of the name “Chris Benoit” and writes in “Shawn Michaels”.  Then Benoit takes off his mask to reveal…SHAWN MICHAELS~!  WHAT A SHOCKING SWERVE~!  Triple H pulls off Michaels’ mask and reveals him to be…RANDY ORTON IN DISGUISE!  What a trick by the Kliq!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!  Eric Bischoff pulls off his mask to reveal The Berzerker!  HUSS!  HUSS!

(ads)

Kane v. The Hurricane

I almost wrote the Hurricake.  Isn’t that hilarious.  This match needed more Hurricake.  I mean Cane.  I mean Kane.  Kane wins after Hurricane gives up.  And after that rousing speech a few weeks ago!  Suddenly the lights go out.  CRAP!  I forgot to pay my utilities this month.  Geez.  What a time to shut off my power.  Wait…no….

BONG

I think that was my old roomate’s.

BONG

The lights come back on and Kane’s head is spinning and he’s throwing up green stuff all over the first three rows!!  Caution:  You may get vomit.  The lights are out again.

BONG

The lights are back.  Hey!  A giant Jack in the Box.  That’s pretty lame.  What else you got?

BONG

A voodoo lady makes spooky noises as she cooks a giant cauldron.  What is that…mmm…chili.  Voodoo Chili.  Next.

BONG

Dave Matthews and Sting singing Beatles Songs.  I heard Pretty Randy doesn’t even know who they are.  Sting says, “I saw her standing there…wooOOOO!”

BONG

Kane again, but this time he’s got a pair of overalls on.  Half of Kane’s pyro goes off.

BONG

Nothing.

In 34 days, you will see this very ring.  That’s scary.

(ads)

Eric Bischoff is backstage helping rip the U.S. Postal Service Packaging off Benoit.  To:  Scott Keith, eh?  I guess there’s postal laws against sending hunks of Canadian man meat, though, rawr.  Benoit is pissed.

CB:  You didn’t stop it?
EB:  I was out with Vince and Paul paying Torrie to let me eat WWE Gummi Bears out of her navel.  I didn’t think anybody’d notice if I left Berzerker in charge.
CB:  So now what?
EB:  I guess you’re screwed.  Too bad you left Smackdown, huh?
CB:  Yeah.  This is just GREAT.  Now what do I tell Nancy?
EB:  That she should move back in with Kevin Sullivan?  It’s not like you were going to win anyway.
CB:  Yeah.

Terri is backstage with Pretty Randy Orton.

TR:  You don’t know who the Beatles are?
RO:  AH!
TR:  I mean, I dated them all, for Pete’s sake.  They were going to be in the York Foundation until Yoko came along.
RO:  Yokozuna?
TR:  Yeah.  He totally tried to eat Paul.  We tried to offer up Ringo, but Yoko wasn’t having it.  After that they swore off wrestling forever.
RO:  That’s sad.
TR:  Totally.

Coach is backstage with Goldberg.

JC:  Aren’t you supposed to be deactivated?
BG:  No way!  Last time their ass deactivated my ass, my ass got numb.  No more.
JC:  Have fun at No Way Out.
BG:  ….
JC:  ‘s ass.
BG:  Thanks.

(ads)

RAW IN JAPAN!  Everybody has a nice time when they go overseas.  Except Nathan Jones.  This poor guy doesn’t even know that The Rock hasn’t been around for months.  Are those guys 4 years behind?  Explains why the WWE is still popular over there.  I kid.  I kid.  NOTHING explains why the WWE is still popular over there.

Mick Foley finally won his struggle with the cracker bib and has made his way to ringside.  He grabs a mic.

MF:  All right, who in the hell knows where I can get some crackers around here?  I’m so hungry I could eat a…a…cracker.  Ok.  Give them up.

Randy Orton’s military picture appears on the Titan Tron.

MF:  Bwahahahaha!  Randy Orton sure is pretty in his military duds.  Too bad he ended up in prison and squirted milk all over his commanding officers.  What?  Oh, that was the other guy?  What the hell do I know?

Randy Orton appears on the Titan Tron.

RO:  I’ve got a bunch of crackers back here in the Evolution locker room, Mick.  Cheez-Its, Chicken in a Biscuit, Ritz, Wheat Thins….
MF:  Stop.  Did you say “Wheat Thins”.
RO:  Yeah.
MF:  I want your ass, Randy!

Mmm…beefy.  Mick runs back stage as fast as his lumpy legs can take him, but when he gets to the Evolution locker room, it’s a SHOCKING SWERVE as Mick is assaulted by the rest of Evolution.  Well…most of it.

RO:  Geez.  Where’s Hunter?  He promised he’d be here if I helped him.
MF:  At least you’re not getting a PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
RO:  Shut it up, you.
DBD:  Dave doesn’t think Hunter loves us ANYMORE!
RO:  Yeah.  These beatdowns are hardly as much fun without him either.
RF:  I took his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN LAST NIGHT FAT BOY WOOO!
RO:  Oh, you did not.  You were hanging out with me and Dave trying to hitchhike here, remember?
RF:  Oh yeah.  DAMN THAT TRIPLE H!  He took our limo!  He made me walk all the way to Portland!  It’s no wonder I got blown up against Chris BY GOD BENOIT!  WOOOO!
DBD:  Dave is HUNGRY!

Batista throws Mick through the Cracker Table, sending crackers everywhere.  MY GAWD!  MY GAWD!  HE’S BROKEN THE WHEAT THINS IN HALF!!

(ads)

This week’s WrestleMania moment?  Terri v. The Kat.  The only singles match from WrestleMania 2000.  Sniff.  Such Memories.

Is this all we’re doing?  Geez.

(ads)

Rob Van Dam v. Booker T v. Pretty Randy Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

I’d bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show, but honestly the only thing missing tonight would be a little more Kane.  Well, and some TOMMY F’N DREAMER.  Booker and Rob go back and forth trying to win the belt so that they can actually be on the WrestleMania card.  Rob tries to stick it to the man by letting Booker pin him, but Randy breaks that up by telling Rob that his ass isn’t sweaty, causing Rob to reflexively sit up and check.  Damn that Orton!  Randy tries to pick his spots, but I’m pretty sure this match was just made up with a random spot generator.  I can totally see the writers backstage with a little tumbler of moves. 

Writer:  Ok.  Now Rob, you hit the Five Star on Booker. 
RVD:  Uh…but didn’t Booker just hit me with the Ask Kick?
Writer:  Yes.
RVD:  Woah.  This is the most productive meeting I’ve ever been in.
BT:  Can I get new music, sucka?
Writer:  You can have Nathan Jones’ old music.
BT:  Woooaaaawoooaaaaoooaoaaa!  That’s the bomb, dude!  Make it happen!
HHH:  No way!  I’m saving that music for my big face turn.  I’m going to have Motorhead do a cover.

Wooooaaa
Woooaaaa
It’s time to play the game!
MATE!
It’s time to play the game!
G’DAY!
It’s time to play the game,
But You can’t PLAY!

RVD falls over, but Orton trips over him and lands on Booker T.  Orton wins anyway!  Foley runs out to try to dispute the victory, but he slips on some cracker crumbs and falls right into an Evolution beat down.  Where the hell is Mick’s back-up?

Next Week:  Mick’s back-up arrives in the form of a famous Hollywood Wrestler…ZEUS!!  Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit have a chilling stand-off before Triple H runs out and giggles about how short they are.  Kane makes a Papa Shango voodoo doll, only to have it eat his arms.  Hilarity ensues.

Vote Vote Vote!

E-MAIL MATT    
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