by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Shawn Michaels pilfered Chris Benoit’s title shot, Triple H had to look up what that meant.  Steve Austin got SPEARED by Goldberg. SPEARED I TELL YOU!  Randy Orton and the rest of Evolution put Mick Foley through some crackers.  Will there be more crackers…TONIGHT?!

Triple H marches out to the ring.  J.R. says that there’s a little bit of a lot of great champions in HHH.  He’s like the Million Dollar Man.  No, not Ted DiBiase, the other one.  Steve Austin.  Wait…you know what?  Never mind.  HHH gets on the MIC!

HHH:  Hey, It’s me, Triple H!  Listen.  I just looked it up, and pilfered means stole.  I knew I helped Shawn do something last week, but I didn’t realize that was it.  I thought I was signing over the rights to be the guy on RAW with the scruffiest beard.  I can’t hold down Shawn as much as I hold down Chris Benoit.  I want a recount.  RECOUNT DAMMIT!  Man, I’m just like Yokozuna at WrestleMania X, because I’m a cool Samoan Guy who is pretending to be Japanese who has to fight a pretty boy and a horrible Canadian.  At least half of that last sentence was true!  Jesus, where the hell is that helicopter noise coming from?  Is somebody trying to send a SWAT team into the building or something?  Just try it!  You cannot hold down the Game-uh!  Hey!  This mat is squeaky.  Teeheehee.  Squeakysqueakysqueaky.

Eric Bischoff is out.

EB:  Hey, Hunter.  Could you stop that?  We’ve got a wrestling show to run.
HHH:  No, you’ve got a wrestling show to run.  I’ve got a wrestling show to RUIN!  AHAHAHA.  Seriously though, I’m having way too much fun.
EB:  Dude, we’ve got a big problem.  It appears that that whole thing last week can’t happen.
HHH:  What, with Michaels?  That’s great.  I didn’t want to fight him anyway.
EB:  No, I meant with Mick Foley.  It turns out we didn’t actually have any crackers last week.
HHH:  Wait.  What?
EB:  Yeah.  So we’re just going to have to go back and re-film the whole show.
HHH:  No way, dude.  I’m not changing out of my lovely plum colored shirt.
EB:  Hmmm…dammit.  Ok.  New plan, HHH v. Either Shawn Michaels OR Chris Benoit, tonight.
HHH”  Hmmm….you know…I’m just not feeling that.  Can’t they just wrestle for a little while, and then I’ll come out and hit the PEDIGREE TO ORTON~! and menace at the camera while the show goes off the air.
EB:  Yeah, I suppose we could do that.  It’ll fun!

Chris Benoit waddles out to make his counter po…NO!  Do Not Give This Man Mic Time.

CB:  Hey, dudes.  Wassup?
HHH:  What the?
CB:  I’m bein’ more down wit the homies like John Cena, word.  They told me this shiggiddydiggiddynit would make me get over.
HHH:  Eric?
EB:  I’m out of here.  This is just way too much for me to handle right now.

Benoit uses this temporary distraction to try to put Triple H in the CRIPPLER CHINLOCK~! but Evolution runs out to make the save.  Benoit ripped the Plum Colored Shirt.  Oh, he’s gonna pay for that!  HHH looks around as if to say, “Did Max Mini just try to beat me up?”

CB:  I’m goin’ to RassleMania, boyee!
BL:  I can’t believe they booked me to lose to Eddie Guerrero!  WTF?
EG:  I can’t believe they booked me to beat Brock Lesnar!  WTF?
MF:  What the hell do you mean they didn’t actually have any crackers?
KN:  Is Pete going to be there?  He hasn’t seen my face yet!  I’m so excited!
VM:  WrestleMania, it’s either us or a night with your girlfriend!

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Backstage, HHH is with Evolution.

HHH:  Thanks for the help out there.
RF:  That’s what we’re WOO here for, champ!
HHH:  But, uh, who the hell are you guys?
RF:  We…we…uh…WE TOOK YOUR OLD LADY ON A RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN LAST NIGHT, FAT BOY!  WOOO!
HHH:  Hey, don’t call me fat, funbags.  There’s just more of me to love.
RO:  Hunter.  Settle down.  It’s us.  Evolution?
HHH:  Evo…lution?  Are you with Stacker 2 to offer me a new commercial?
DBD:  He doesn’t REMEMBER?
RF:  We helped you win the WORLD BY GAWD CHAMPIONSHIP, WOOO!
HHH:  Sorry, not ringing any bells.  I won that because I’m that…damn…good.
RO:  Ugh.  Remember me, at least?  The pretty one?  Pedigree to…
HHH:  ORTON!!

PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!

HHH:  Now I remember.  Hi guys.  I’ll…uh…see you around.

HHH takes off.

DBD:  We’re a crappy STABLE…*sniff*
RF:  Let’s go have our match!
RO:  oooooww

Rob Van Dam and Booker T v. Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson (w/ Randy Orton)
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Rob is sticking it to the proverbial man by teaming with his opponent from last week.  SHOCKING SWERVE~!  Flair starts things off by chopping the hell out of Dave.  Dave runs away crying.  Nobody loves poor Dave.  Orton tries to talk Booker T into falling over, but Mick Foley runs out and tells Booker not to fall into the trap of the Pretty white boy.  Booker’s been there before.  DAMN YOU GHOST OF DAVE THOMAS! 

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Coming out of the break.  RVD asks Flair if he remembers back when they were feuding.  Flair says, “I remember that crappy promo you cut on me.”  RVD “accidently” blows a spot and kicks Flair in the face.  RVD and Booker win.  They spend a few minutes celebrating.  You guys STILL won’t be on the WrestleMania card.  HA!

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Steve Austin is backstage with Eric Bischoff. 

SA:  Hey, Eric.  Have you figured out what the hell we’re doing for WrestleMania yet?
EB:  Well, I was thinking about a cheese tray.  Or something like that.
SA:  I meant for the RAW Main Event.
EB:  I’m not going to watch that fat ass Triple H crawl around the ring.  I suppose I’ll take a smoke break.
SA:  Ugh…What is the match actually going to be?
EB:  Can it be whatever I say?
SA:  This angle is confusing enough that, yeah, I’m pretty sure it could be.
EB:  Sweet!  Scott Hall v. Funaki.
SA:  Uh….
RO:  Eric!  I’m going out to the ring to challenge, Mick Foley!
EB:  What the hell do I care?
RO:  Watch me!  Watch me!
EB:  Yeah.  Fine.  Whatever.
RO:  You’re not watching!
EB:  Shut up!
RO:  I’m pretty right?  Am I pretty?  I’m pretty right?  Pretty Randy Orton?
EB:  This has been a rough day.
SA:  What?

Elsewhere, it’s Jericho and Christian.  Jericho is wearing a skin tight shirt that says “Baybee Doll” and Chris Tian is wearing a shirt that he bought at Ye Olde Hippy Shoppe.  Sparkly pink curtains fill the background.

CJ:  Geez, could this scene get any gayer?
CT:  I dunno.  What the hell?
CJ:  I was going to give this rose to Trish as a Sorry Valentines Day Was on a Day Where There Wasn't a WWE Show (Except Velocity, but That Totally Doesn’t Count) and Therefore We Don’t Exist present, but now I feel compelled to give it to you.
CT:  Ok there, sexy britches.  Try not to let Kane break your knee.
CJ:  Did you just call me sexy britches?
CT:  Uh…I think so.  Why?
CJ:  Did I write this dialogue?
CT:  Uh…yeah.
CJ:  Huh.  All righty then.  I’m just going to go do some manly knee breaking.  Be back in a week.
CT:  Have at it, tiger.

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Kane v. Chris Jericho

Kane decides that Jericho’s knee needs a little more Kane.  Jericho’s knee decides that now’s a good time to be “shattered”.  Jericho sells the pain of having his beautiful hair cut to a more manageable size.  The ref decides that he’s had just about enough of this nonsense, and declares Kane the winner by result of providing more Kane.  That’s hardly fair.  Where’s Trish when Jericho needs the save?  Kane grabs a mic and says that he’s cleared it with Kevin Dunn, and NOTHING goofy is happening tonight.

BONG

RVD runs out and grabs it.  It’s time to celebrate winning the Tag Titles.  RVD 4:20!! OMG ROFFLE~!

BONG

Papa Shango appears on the Titan Tron.  He blows a kiss at Kane and a torrential rain storm floods the entrance ramp.  Kane tries to shield himself from the onslaught with a nearby papaya, but it’s not enough.  The rain stops, and Kane looks up.  STING is in the rafters, and he’s drinking Kool Aid.  RUN KANE!  Kane takes off trying to find his towel.  Papa Shango laughs and then he bites the head off of the Gobbledy Gooker.  Smoke rolls out over the entrance ramp. 

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Randy Orton is coming out to the ring.  Uh…what did he get stuck in traffic on his way out there?  I heard the commute is the worst part about making your entrance.  I wouldn’t know.  I haven’t had a Stacy Title match in forever.  Orton tells Mick Foley that if Mick has something to say, then he should come out to the ring and say it, because that’s what all the cool kids are doing.  Foley comes running out and says that he certainly does have something to say.  Then he punches Randy in the pretty face and begins to chase him around the ring elbowing him in the back.  So…what did Mick have to say then?  Nothing?  Mick has a good advantage, but that’s quickly overcome when Ric Flair and Dave Davidson hit the ring and beat the crap out of Foley.  And they beat him. And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  And they beat him.  Then I thought I saw Zeus or maybe Maven coming out, but it was just Randy Orton’s pretty reflection in Dave’s poop brown tights.  Then I thought I heard something, but it was just a pin dropping.  Damn that Sting!  Then they all realize how squeaky the ring is, and all four guys jump up and down in the center of the ring for 20 minutes.

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Chris Benoit is backstage with Shawn Michaels.

CB:  Gettin' coffee, home schooled?
SM:  Uh…yeah.  Should I spill some on you so we can feud?
CB:  No way, wookie.  I can’t wait to rassle you tonight, boyeee!
SM:  No offense, but this segment is really boring.  And…uh…I’ve got a reputation of getting out of these things.  So unless you’ve got something to say….
CB:  Nice scruffy beard.  But not as nice as mine.  Bitch.
TD:  OOOOhhh…Oh no you didn’t!
SM:  What did you just say?
CB:  Nice scruffy beard.  But not as nice as mine.  Bitch.
SM:  Oh.  That’s it.  It’s on!
CB:  Bring it.  Bring it on, fancy pants.
SM:  Oh, it’s getting broughten!  You don’t want to mess with HBK!  I pull hair!!
CB:  Is that what happened to yours?
TD:  Oh!  OH!  OH!  You just got dissed!  I can’t believe he just said that to you.  OH!
SM:  We’ll settle this…In the ring!
CB:  Yeah.  In the ring.
TD:  Yeah!  In the ring.
SM:  Shut it up, Tommy.
TD:  Shut it up me.

OMG PROMO OF THE YEAR~!

My Darling Stacy and Jackie Gayda are in Eric Bischoff’s office.  This week, My Darling Stacy is dressed like she just got done shopping in Beverly Hills and just happened to show up at RAW and Jackie is wearing…uh…some sort of toilet seat cover.  Eric Bischoff is sad.

MDS:  Cheer up, Eric!  We’re going to be in Playboy.
JG:  Yeah!  Totally!
EB:  Ugh…girls, you’re NOT going to be in Playboy.  Sable and Torrie already were.  Stacy, you even turned them down.
MDS:  Don’t be silly.  I’m going to call Hunter Hugh Heffner and find out when our naked pics will be in!
JG:  Yeah!  Mr. HHH was REALLY nice.  He let us both Pedigree his assistant.
EB:  Huh?
MDS:  Anyway, gotta go.  Tonight Mr. HHH is going to take pictures of us “stuffing the Sledge.”
JG:  I think that’s modeling talk for eating.  Bye, Eric.

The girls leave.  Austin enters.

SA:  What was that all about?
EB:  Goldberg?  I dunno.  I wasn’t paying attention.
SA:  He showed those cops last night.  Just like you showed Vince McMahon in the Monday Night Wars.
EB:  Um…Steve…WCW LOST the Monday Night Wars.
SA:  Oh, I guess that’s why the DVD is called WCW:  What the Hell Were You Guys Thinking? then huh?
EB:  I like the bonus feature on The Dog.
SA:  Speaking of dogs, I hear you want to beat up Vince McMahon.
EB:  What?
SA:  Don’t steal my gimmick.
EB:  Sorry.  Huh?
SA:  I heard you were wanted to beat up Vince McMahon.
EB:  No.  No.  I never said anything like that.
VM:  You didn’t, huh?  Sounds like somebody needs to learn a lesson about who beats who up around here.
SA:  Sounds like it, chief.
EB:  Wait…What?
SA:  Ehem.
EB:  I mean…Huh?  What the hell are you guys talking about?
VM:  Now he doesn’t know what we’re talking about.  I can’t believe the nerve of this guy.  Me v. You, next week Bischoff.  I’ll teach you a thing or two about RESPECT.
EB:  I thought we were friends.  We went out last week.
VM:  He thought we were friends.  Oh, how convenient.  I’ll show you a thing or two about FRIENDS next week!
EB:  Uh…ok…see you then?
SA:  I’d shut your pie hole before you get in more trouble, Mister.

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Trish Stratus and Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) v. Molly Holly and Jazz (w/ Theodore Long)

Trish and Jazz spend the entire match outside the ring playing hopscotch with Theodore Long.  Those crazy girls.  Victoria’s outfit came in, like, 2000 pieces.  Stevie is just happy to be Lindsey McDonald.  I wouldn’t be too thrilled about that, Stevester.  You got canceled.  Two whole people got that joke.  Victoria hits Molly with the Widow’s peak.  Play the lesbians.  I guess one of those two had to win.  Teddy won hopscotch, so I guess it all evens out.  Test runs out.  Huh?  I guess Test’s gimmick is guy who randomly gets involved in segments.  He starts trying to hop Trish’s scotch, if you know what I mean (wink wink) but Chris Tian runs out for the save.  Test and Christian compliment each other on their choice of shirts, and then run off in opposite directions.

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Christian gives Trish the rose and then grabs her ass.  Crazy go nuts.

Every roooose has its thooooooorn.

Is this show over yet?

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Shawn Michaels v. Chris Benoit

Shawn and Chris do one of those Indy appreciation segments where Benoit starts chopping at mid air and then Shawn shoots him.  The crowd applauds.  Everybody’s a sucker for Indy appreciation.  Shawn starts stomping around, and the crowd boos.  It must be that EVIL aura given off by the scruffy beard (not to be confused with the Awesome Aura given off by Goldberg’s Grizzled Beard.  RIP.).  Shawn starts to tell the crowd to knock it off, he’s trying to be a face here, and he gets rolled up for two.  Benoit kicks the Air and the Invisible Woman rolls out of the ring.  Damn that Shawn Michaels for trying to get the Fantastic Four involved on his behalf.  Backstage, Thing eats Matt Hardy.  Pfft.  Nobody’s gonna miss him.  J.R. says that Chris Benoit’s power is Heart.  Yeah, good luck with that one, pansy.

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Benoit tries to lock in the Crossface, but Michaels counters that by not knowing how to sell the Crossface.  BRILLIANT STRATEGY BY HBK~!  Shawn locks in the CHINLOCK~! instantly giving this match a 900,000% boost in WORKRATE~!  Benoit, however, slides out and locks in the SHARPSHOOTER~!  Shawn looks around and says, “Do all Canadians do this crap?  That’s it.  I’m never wrestling another fricking Canadian.”  Shawn gets to the ropes.  RAW Referee Earl Hebner notes that it’s not like he was going to let Shawn tap or anything anyway.  Triple H wanders out and slips on Sting’s urine.  Randy Orton runs out and dances around.  Benoit looks to see what all the dancing is about.  Fired up by righteous anger that only HE may dance on this show, Shawn kicks Benoit, gets the pin and then runs out to attack Orton.  However, by this point, HHH has recovered.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  PEDIGREE TO HBK~!  LOOK OF PITY TO BENOIT~!  HHH IS THE BEST~! OMG~!!!!  88.3 *!

Next Week:  HHH, HBK, and Chris Benoit debate sensitive issues such as immigration, war, and the president in their bids to win the Democratic primary.  Kane gets a shocking surprise when Papa Shango pulls a rabbit out his hat, and the rabbit eats Kane.  Mick Foley will beg WWE Superstars to help him, only to get told “You should have stayed retired, dork!”

Say…what the hell happened to The Rock?

Prompt:  Do you want to Play “Trail to Bakersfield”?
TR:  Isn’t that where Mick is?  Hell yeah!
CPU:  Banker, Farmer, Carpenter?
TR:  Uh…The Rock wants to be The Rock.
CPU:  Supplies?
TR:  The Rock doesn’t need supplies.
CPU:  Your family has contracted herpes.  Rest?
TR:  Herpes?  What the hell are you talking about.
CPU:  Pebbles has died.  Stone Stanley has died.  The Rock Jr. has died.  Iggy has died.
TR:  Screw you!  The Rock will continue his journey.
CPU:  You see a tombstone.  “OMG, You SUX!  HAHA – 5c077 |(317h”
TR:  Huh?
CPU:  You are at the Snake River.  The Water Depth is 9 ft.  Ford?
TR:  Hell yeah, The Rock will ford!  The People’s Oxen can take it.
CPU:  You have lost 9 sets of clothing, 2 axles, 3 wagon wheels, 98 pounds of food, and 4 oxen.  The Rock has died.
TR:  Damn.
CPU:  What do you want on your Tombstone:
TR:  Cheese and pepperoni.

Ooooh.  He died fording the Snake River.  That makes sense.

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