by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Lita v. Jazz (w/ Theodore Long) v. Victoria v. Molly Holly
For the WWE Women’s Title

Aw crap.  What a way to start out my RAW.  Hey, where’s Stevie?  I’m fairly certain that he would be happy just to be out there tonight.  I wonder what flavor Jolly Rancher I would like to be eating right now instead of watching this match.  Hmm…everybody always picks cherry.  Tonight’s not really a “grapey” night, and lemon is more of a summer taste.  Hmmm…OH!  Peach.  Yeah.  That’d hit the spot.  Do they even make peach any more?  Jazz is eliminated when she remembers that she has to go download her theme on iTunes and doesn’t want to forget.  Theodore Long is NOT impressed.  Me neither. $ .99 for one song?  Pfft.  She better have one of those cheatin’ Pepsi caps.  Then Molly Holly is eliminated when Victoria says, “I think everybody has had just about enough of you as women’s champion,” and pins her.  Molly starts to cry.  Aw, poor Molly.  She’s the li’lest Holly left.  Let’s get her some tissues.  We’ll be right back.

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So, either Lita or Victoria will be the Women’s champ.  I wonder how Trish feels about all this.  Let’s take a look at the odds.  Victoria is in the midst of what we in the wrestling column business like to call a “push.” 

A push is defined in the Annotated Satire Dictionary (5^th  Edition) as “a. A state in which a wrestler suddenly racks up a high number of wins for seemingly no reason at all possibly leading to a title victory, causing members of the illustrious IWC to suddenly hate that wrestler and want to “push” said wrestler in front of a large moving vehicle (i.e. a Rhino – note:  Not a Rhyno).  E.g.  Man, I’m so glad they finally let Test, win…wait…no I’m not, I want to push him in front of a train (note:  Not A-Train).  Note, this effect does not apply to wrestlers with SCRUFFY BEARDS~!  b.  a draw.”

Lita is not in the midst of a “push” but I would like to push her in front of a small van or perhaps a bicycle, so I dunno.  That’s Lita for you.  There’s totally nothing going on here.  The crowd is chanting for the peanut guy.  He’s so excited.  Everybody wants some peanuts.  Uh…Victoria wins.  Stevie runs out to celebrate.  Oh yeah, some help you were.  He jumps up and down.  Proof positive that Stevie IS just happy to be on this show.

Vince McMahon arrives at the arena.  VINCE IS ON NITRO!!  I NEVER BEFORE THOUGHT THAT I’D SEE IT!!  THE MONDAY NIGHT WARS ARE OVER AND VINCE IS HERE TO ADMIT DEFEAT!!  Does Vince look drunk to anyone?

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Coach is backstage with Eric Bischoff.

JC:  Hey, did you know that Vince is here?
EB:  Yeah?  Is he still mad at me?
JC:  Probably.  What do I care?
EB:  I liked it better when everybody cared what happened to me.
CT:  I care.
EB:  Chris Tian?  What do YOU want.
CT:  I want to be loved.
EB:  Doesn’t everyone. 
CT:  I also want to team with Chris Jericho in a tag title match next week on RAW.
EB:  Haven’t we done that 833 times already?  Book a different match.
CT:  Chris Tian v…uh…Trish Stratus?
EB:  Whatever.  I’m going to go find Victoria and see if she won’t let me grab her ass.

Here’s a video package of Mick Foley getting beat up.  JR says this is the most gruesome footage ever on WWE TV.  OMG!  HE’S PUNCHING HIM IN REALLY SLOW MOTION!  I feel as though I must switch off my television and lay down so that I can forget what I have seen.  Dave “Batista” Davidson in poop brown underwear. 

Val Venis v. Randy Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Even Val doesn’t believe he has a chance.  He just walks down to the ring and gets in and falls over.  However, when Randy goes for the pin, he trips over Val’s towel.  Val rolls over and gets the pin!  NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION~!  Ok, I lied.  I’m sorry.  What really happens is that Val comes out and tries to tell Randy why the American public shouldn’t vote for Ralph Nader and Randy falls asleep.  Val is so pissed that nobody is interested in his politics that he marches off to get Lance Storm and His Penis so that they can go back to Heat where they’re welcome.

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Here’s some scenes from WCW:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Oh man HAHAHAHAHAHA.  We can say whatever we want about you now…AHAHAHAHAHA…Nice work there, guys!  Here’s a bunch of shots of Eric Bischoff with gray hair.  Eric is not impressed.

EB:  Why do they have to show that?  I’ve got an image to protect.
JC:  I still don’t care, man.  You’ve got nobody better to announce Heat.
EB:  Shut it up, you.
SA:  What?
EB:  Hey, Steve.  What the hell is with showing a bunch of pictures of Old me?
SA:  Don’t you just really hate Vince McMahon?
EB:  NO!  No, I don’t.  He hired me.
SA:  No, you don’t you hate him.
VM:  Hates, me, huh?
EB:  Screw it.  Yeah, I hate you Vince.  You’re stupid.
VM:  Oh.  Ok, then.  Have a nice night, Eric.  PARTY IN MY ROOM!!!
EB:  YAAAAAAARG!
SA:  I hear that.

The Evolution is backstage.

RO:  I won!  I can’t believe it!  I’m both Pretty and Successful.
DBD:  Dave is pretty and SUCCESSFUL?
RO:  No.
DBD:  WAAAAAAAAH!!
RF:  Don’t worry, Dave!  WOO!  I’ll take your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
DBD:  That doesn’t aid me in my current SITUATION!
RO:  Huh?
HHH:  Uh…hey, guys.  Can I talk to you for a minute.
RO:  Oh, is somebody talking?  Because I though I heard talking.  I guess Ric just farted again.
RF:  Yeah.  I guess I let out a long fart, because I didn’t hear nothin’ WOO!
DBD:  Hi, HUNTER!
RO:  Geez.  Dave, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk to Hunter until he started being nice to us again.
DBD:  You guys don’t like ME!
RF:  That’s right we don’t, because you can’t style and profile, WOOO!
HHH:  Seriously, guys.  I need somebody to come and stand behind me to give me a backdrop for my state of the HHH address tonight.
RO:  Oh hell.  I’m not doing anything.
DBD:  Me NEITHER.
RF:  You’ve got it champ.
HHH:  All right!  Thanks Excavation!
RO:  grumble grumble.
HHH:  WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT GREG GUMBEL?!

PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

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Triple H is out with his squad of goons.

HHH:  Benoit!  Michaels!  Seriously guys, you know I’m winning, so don’t even bother showing up to WrestleMania.  Wait…DO show up, because I’ve got to hold down SOMEBODY.  What is the crowd chanting?  “We want pants?”  Seriously, guys, I know how you feel.  You know what this promo needs?  More me. Memememememememe.  I am.  I am.  I am.  I am whatever you say I am.  If I wasn’t, then why would you say I am.  In the news, the papers, every day I am.  I am.  I’m.  Holy crap, I can talk for as long as I want, can’t I?  They just don’t have the heart to cut me off.  Let’s see.  What else can I talk about?  Oh!  You want to know what I did this weekend?  Stephanie and I were in Boston shopping for tea kettles and….

Chris Benoit runs out with a mic.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

CB:  Wazzup!  Yeah yeah yeah.  I heard you out here rappin’, foo.  Now I’m gonna beat up you.  Paioooo!
HHH:  Huh?
CB:  I said I’m going to kick you izzidyass, biaaaatch!
HHH:  Uhh…right.

Benoit starts threatening Evolution with a chair and they bail.  Hunter decides that now would be a good time to go backstage and ask Vince for another raise.  Shawn Michaels runs out, but his knee falls apart, and he has to crawl back up the ramp.  I hope his knee is healed enough so that he can go see Passion on Wednesday.  I heard he was the star!

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Chris Benoit v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Austin comes out and says that if anybody comes out during the match, they can’t be on WrestleMania.  Spike should come out, just to make a point.  Remember when UPN was “Oop in?”  What the hell did that mean anyway?  I get that it’s the phonetically pronounced version of the letters, but…what the hell?  And then Stevie ran out with the symbols painted on his chest because he wanted to be in the APA?  That’s awesome.  This match makes me miss the boobies.  I’ll even sit through Lita again.  Dave tries to shake Benoit’s hand because he thinks that Benoit might like him, but Benoit puts him in the Crossface.  Dave seems pretty sad.  I have an odd craving for Plain M&Ms.  I’ll be back in a bit.

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Booker T and Rob Van Dam v. La Resistance

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Thank God I didn’t have to watch that match. 

Booker T and Rob Van Dam v. La Resistance

Crap.  RVD fights the man by this week not selling a Rob Conway CHINLOCK~!  Rob is having a negative effect on the WORKRATE~!  Booker T has to take up the slack of the match.  Rene does a fruity dance.  Rico runs out and starts yelling at Rene for stealing his gimmick.  Booker rolls up Rene.  Still not going to be on WrestleMania.

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This week’s classic WrestleMania moment, Brutus The Subway Man Beefcake snorting coke.

Trish is backstage with Chris Tian.

TS:  Hi, Chris.  What’s going on.
CT:  We’re having sex.  I mean sex.  Sex.
TS:  A match, huh?  I’ll kick your ass.
CT:  Yeah.  I’ll have your ass.  I mean sex.  Penis.
TS:  Uh…right…I’ll see you out there.
CT:  Right, I’ll see your boobs.

SUBTEXT~!

Here’s a sitdown interview with Mick Foley:

JR:  What was going through your mind when Evolution was beating you up last week?
MF:  Oh, the usual stuff.  How much coconut to put in a chiffon, where I left my dog.
JR:  You weren’t trying to fight back?
MF:  Did you watch any of that, J.R.?  Randy hit me in slow motion for, like, 40 minutes.
JR:  I kinda dozed off, but I’ve seen MOST of it.
MF:  Yeah.  Totally.  Me too.  I guess the Rock drowned though.
JR:  I heard he’ll be here this week.
MF:  Huh.  Did anybody bother to tell him that I’m not going to be there?
JR:  Nah.  He’ll work it out. 
MF:  Am I wearing too much eyeliner?

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Trish Stratus v. Chris Tian

Chris grabs Trish’s ass.  Trish taps out.  This is the best match of the year.

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Trish needs help getting backstage, as Shawn Michaels crawled up and cut her ACL for being a terrible Canadian.

Coach is standing outside the bathroom.

JC:  Eric?  Come on, dude.  The Coach just got out of the women’s locker room and now he has to take care of business.
EB:  Coach, get a girlfriend.
JC:  I’ve got two perfectly good girlfriends right here.  Oooh, yeah.
EB:  I’m going to go challenge Vince tonight.  I beat him figuratively for 83 consecutive weeks.  83.  Eight Followed by THREE!  I should have no trouble beating him literally.
JC:  Eric, you suck.
EB:  Oh, man, I’m going to lose tonight, huh?
JC:  I dunno.  Probably.  Listen, as much as I like talking about you I really need to get this out of my system.
EB:  Ew.  Fire away.

Eric walks away, and Coach goes into the bathroom.  The camera stays on the door and we hear the sounds of a mighty struggle.  Coach walks out with blood running down his cheek.

SA:  What?
JC:  Remind me never to use an egg beater again.
SA:  What?
JC:  Not as cool as it sounded in my head.

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Vince McMahon is out.

VM:  WOOOO!  Guys, I’ve been drinkin’ all night shlong and I kon’t do what’s going on anymore.  I thought I was on Feel of Whortune, but I guesh this is WAR?  WAR HUH BISCHOFF?

My Darling Stacy and Jackie Gayda are out.

MDS:  Vince, we wanted to be in Playboy.  Then we found out that that Hunter Hugh Hefner was just Triple H is a wig.  I can’t BELIEVE we let him take pictures of us in those raccoon suits.
VM:  You two…you two are the stupidest girls in the world.  I’d still hit it.
JG:  What are you going to do about all this Vince?
VM:  MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!

Stacy and Jackie leave.  Kane runs out.

KN:  I’m out here to talk to you about this Papa Shango business.

BONG!

KN:  SHUT UP!

SORRY!

VM:  I don’t five a guck about Papa Shlongo.
KN:  Well, if you don’t do something, I’m going to CHOKESLAM YOU TO HELL!
VM:  MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!

Kane is happy.  Me too.  WrestleMania needed more Kane.  Randy Orton runs out…

RO:  WrestleMania is pretty.  I am pretty.  Match made in heaven!
VM:  MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!

Orton does a dance and then leaves.  Rico runs out.

RC:  Tell that fruity Dupree to stop doing my da….
VM:  MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!
RC:  Really?  Are you sure?
VM:  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RC:  YES!

Rico runs off.  TOMMY F’N DREAMER runs out.

TD:  Vince, I wanted to talk to you about your plans for WrestleMania.
VM:  YOU WHAT?

Vince smashes a bottle over Tommy’s head.  Steve Austin runs out.

SA:  What?
VM:  What?
SA:  What?
VM:  What?
SA:  What?
VM:  What?
SA:  What?
VM:  What?
SA:  Brock/Goldberg!
VM:  MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!
SA:  I can be the referee!
VM:  OPERATION!
SA:  Eric Bischoff in the ring?
VM:  OPERATION!
SA:  Booker T cannot sing.
VM:  OPERATION!
SA:  Now a match for you!

Vince McMahon v. Eric Bischoff

Eric and Vince start the match by having a staring contest.  KISS!  KISS!  Then Bischoff will only need Shane to complete the set!  Unless you count Hunter and Marissa.  How’s THAT for continuity?  Huh?  Huh?  Oh, never mind.  Vince starts punching at the air to show how cool he is, but he stumbles and falls over.  Orton celebrates.  Bischoff decides he’s had quite enough and runs away.  Austin tries to wake up Vince, but he suddenly gets attacked from behind by BROCK LESNAR!  HOLY CRAP!  I can’t believe it!  I just found a penny on my floor!  F5 to Austin.  Brock menaces, as if to say, “Hey, Steve Austin! I’m going to beat you up, Steve Austin!  I can’t believe I’m in the ring with you, Steve Austin!  Didn’t you leave before you could job to me, Steve Austin?  That wasn’t nice, Steve Austin!  Hey, is this that continuity stuff, Steve Austin?  Ew…it’s all goopy, Steve Austin.”  And people say Brock can’t act.  Look at all he conveyed with just ONE LOOK!  I don’t know about you, but I think this pretty much paid off the Monday Night Wars for me.  What do you mean, “No”?

Next Week:  Shawn Michaels finds his smile, it was in the couch.  Mick Foley returns to the arena, and this time he’s not alone…he’s brought his invisible friend Putt Putt.  And Goldberg returns to WWE TV to fight Hulk Hogan for the WCW Title.  What do you mean, “No”?

Where the hell is Rock?

In a seedy bar outside Omaha….

TR:  The Rock is almost there.  This time The Rock will get there in time to help Mick.  No rivers to ford or children to clothe.
BT:  Hullo.  My name is Bobbin Threadbare.  Ask me about Loom™ the exciting new graphical adventure from LucasArts®.
TR:  Sure, that sounds exciting, let the Rock have it.
BT:  Ehem.
TR:  Oh, sorry.  The Rock would really like to know about Loom™.
BT:  Ehem.
TR:  The exciting new graphical adventure from LucasArts®.
BT:  You play as me, Bobbin Threadbare, and you get to play musical notes on my magical staff to perform cool spells like turning things green.  Doesn’t that sound exciting?
TR:  Uh…not really.
BT:  SCREW YOU!!

Bobbin pulls off his hood and eats Rock’s soul.  The Rock has Perished.  Restart, Restore, Quit?

Yikes.  I don’t know if Rock is going to be in Atlanta after all…Besides, wasn’t Loom new in, like, 1990?  WTF?

E-MAIL MATT    
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