by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

La Resistance is in the ring, and they’re protesting something or rather.  Beets?  Hell, I’m down with that.  Beets have been holding down good American dinners for too long.  Screw you, Beets!  Stone Cold Steve Austin comes wheelin’ out on his Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice.  STUNNER TO DUPREE!  STUNNER TO CONWAY!  STUNNER TO THE MEMORY OF GRENIER!  Then Austin tells them that he just remembered that beets are terrible, and so he’s going to give them a MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA!  I thought Rene already had a match?  Vince McMahon is out.

VM:  All right, Austin.  You’re FIRED!
SA:  You don’t mean that.
VM:  Yeah, I’m just joshin’ you.
SA:  You’re giving me Josh Matthews as my love slave?  How can I ever repay you?  That chick is HOT~!
VM:  Uh..no…what I’m saying is that, Steve, I just want you to know that…uh…what the hell DID I come out here to tell you again?
SA:  What?
VM:  Yeah…what?
SA:  What?
VM:  Quick, do something zany!

Austin gets back on his Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice and drives up the ramp chasing after Austin while Benny Hill music plays.  That’s ZANY!

Uh…this is awkward…nothin’s going on.

Ok.  Here we go.  Vince is running away from the camera guy, and he gets in his Limo, and Papa Shango turns around and says “Where to, Vince?  AHAHAHAHAHA”  Then Austin drives the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice onto the limo and kind of revs the engine a bit.  Vince freaks out and pulls out his gun to shoot Austin, but a little flag comes out that says “BANG!” and Vince pees himself.  Then Papa Shango freaks out because Vince has a gun, and Pimps know that guns mean trouble, so he starts driving off.  Austin freaks out and jumps off the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice, and lands in the parking lot where he gets run over by Rikishi, who was just looking for some fries.  I swear.

Ric Flair hosts WrestleMania’s Top Ten Moments.  Flair?  The guy who emblemized WCW?  What was Spike Dudley busy?

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Jazz and Molly Holly (w/ Theodore Long) v. Lita and Victoria

WHERE’S STEVIE?!  Geez.  Jazz goes backstage to find him, and while she’s gone, Victoria pins Molly in 10 seconds.  Molly decides that now would be a good time to try pulling out that frickin’ red streak of hair on Victoria’s head, but she ends up with a clump of black instead.  WHERE’S STEVIE?!

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Coach is standing by with Shawn Michaels. 

JC:  Look at my initials.  I’m Jesus!
SM:  No, no.  I’M Jesus.
JC:  No, you’re not!  I am…oooooh!
SM:  I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t wear that hat.
JC:  Shut up.
SM:  What do you want?
JC:  I was wondering, how about that Chris Benoit guy?
SM:  What the hell is up with him anyw…OW MY KNEE!  Oh crap.  It fell apart.  Again.

In Eric Bischoff’s office…

EB:  So you’re WHO again?
JH:  Not, who.  John Hennigan.
EB:  Hnnrnnr?
JH:  No.  Hen-i-gan.  Hennigan.
EB:  Henenenenenenenenen?
JH:  Ugh.  Just call me Johnny Cage.
EB:  No way!  Like the famous Movie Star?
JC:  Totally.  My finishers are the Shadow Kick and the Cock Punch.
EB:  This is awesome!  Hey, Steve, look!  It’s Johnny Cage!
SA:  OW!  Rikishi tried to run me over again.
EB:  Yeah.  Life’s a bitch.  Speaking of bitches….
MH:  Hey!  I don’t like what you’re implying.
SA:  Hey, Molly.  You know what’s in right now?
MH:  What?
SA:  Bald chicks.  I was just watching Star Trek:  The Motion Picture on SpikeTV and “Behind The Music:  Sinead O’Conner” on VH1, both proud members of the Viacom family, and apparently bald chicks are all over the TV because that’s all I saw.
MH:  I just want to fight Victoria.
EB:  Hold on.  My phone is ringing. 

He answers the phone.

EB:  Vince says, “MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA.”
MH:  Yay!
JC:  Hello?  Does anyone remember me?

No.

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Rosey and The Hurricane v. Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade

I just wrote “Garrison Cake.”  Mmm…I wonder what Garrison Cake would taste like.  I’m a little disturbed that I just spent a few minutes pondering that.  The crowd chants “Boring.”  No, no.  Lance already wrestled on Heat.  Is that joke still relevant?  I’ve alienated all my newer fans!  Cade and Jindrak hit some CRAZY DROPKICKZ~! and the skinny one and the fat one can’t keep up.  Cade hits The Stroke and gets the pin.  Cane and Jindrak are GOING TO WRESTL…HOLY CRAP BOOKER AND RVD ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA?!?!  Nobody tell Vince.  He was probably hyped up on goofballs when he made that match, and if he finds out, I’m sure he’ll freak out and fire everyone.  Especially Funaki.  If you WWE employees care at ALL for Funaki’s safety, you won’t say anything to the boss about this slip up.  Just pretend like they’ve been on the card the whole time. 

Oh, who am I kidding, nobody from the WWE reads my column.

: (

I bet Tough Enough Jessie reads it.  And I bet every week I make her cry.  Hang in there Tough Enough Jessie!

Coach is backstage with Chris Benoit.

CB:  I say “Hey” you say “Ho.”  HEY!
JC:  Ho?
CB:  Hey!
JC:  Ho?
Jackie Gayda:  I know you guys are talking about me out there.
CB:  Hehehehehe…Man, we’re for rizzle mah stankizzle.
JC:  Chris, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this.  You’re not black.
CB:  Blacker than you.
JC:  ….
CB:  Now if you’ll excuse me, homes, I gotta go get my Escalade and get some Crystal and find out if my homey H to the B to the G A Y is good to rassle.
JC:  Oh, HBGay.  That’s clever and original.
CB:  Actually, I stole that one off the Internet, the plizzace for kewl jokes.  Yo, yo, yo.  Peace.

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Rico is out with a mic.

RC:  Ehem.  Apparently in his drunken haze last week, Vince McMahon thought I was some crazy messed up Sting from an alternate universe, and granted me a match against Rene Dupree.  However, this week I’ve been told that match has been bumped off the card in favor of running a “Vince McMahon’s Hair through the Years” video 20 minute video package.  You’d think, with 5 hours, they’d find room for Ol’ Rico, but I guess not.  Maybe I can make a run in a match featuring these two women!

My Darling Stacy and Jackie Gayda come out and do a dance that would make the Nitro Girls proud.  Actually, I swear to you, I saw one time on Nitro when they were all very proud that A.C. Jazz tied her shoes.  So…I’m not saying, I’m just saying.  Here’s a fashion report for you:  Jackie:  Crap.  Stacy:  A vision of beauty.  However, just as Stacy is about to blow me a kiss, Kane decides that it’s time for a little more him…and…Holy crap.  It’s a “This Show Needs a Little More Kane” sign.  Well…uh…umm…gee.  You see, when I first started doing these things a little over a year ago, I said I’d stop as soon as a Satire related sign made it on air.  And…uh…there it is.  So, it’s been fun kids, but I’m afraid this is the end for us.  Thanks to Rick, Jeb, and CRZ (and JLRukus and his Sign of Xtreme Coolness) for making this all possible.  Wow.  You’ve been a great audience.  GOODNIGHT!

Oh, who the hell am I kidding.  Wrestling retirements never last.

Kane is about to chokeslam everybody, while Jackie comically cowers behind Rico and Stacy takes off to come back home to me.  Rico eats the fury of more Kane than he could possibly know what to do with, but then the lights go out.

BONG

Kane is not impressed.  Papa Shango is off driving a limo with Vince McMahon in it and a Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice on top.

BONG

Some of the Undertaker’s symbols drop from the ceiling and start on fire.  Steve Austin is tied to one and begins yelling, “Dammit to hell, not again!  It’s not even Sweeps anymore!!”  OMG RAW IS PORN~!

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Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Shawn Michaels and Chrizzis Bizzenoit.

The crowd shows off that famous southern lack of rhythm by being able to actually chant Benoit’s name.  I thought the Jug Band was a nice touch, though.  If they ever make a musical about my life, it will need to feature at least one jug band interlude.  The lovely and talented Ms. Erin Anderson my fellow columnist at OnlineOnslaught.com is in the front row!  She’s changed her hair color again!  I wonder if she still loves me?  Hmm…Her signs say:

“Jeb Fears Pants”

Which I already knew, and:

“PEDIGREE TO MY HEART,
Pretty Randy Orton is indescribably Pretty.”

She’s smitten.  Benoit works in the CHINLOCK~! which automatically boosts the WORKRATE of this match, and it’s already at ******** and climbing.  Shawn tags in but he falls over.  Orton celebrates on the apron.  This action is too fast paced for a supposed-to-be-retired columnist, let’s take a break.

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As we come back, Benoit and Michaels are having a slap fight over who is adding the most to the WORKRATE~! of this match.  Benoit thinks it is him, because not only does he do the best CHINLOCK~! but dozens of internet users like him AND he has a SCRUFFY BEARD~!  Michaels thinks its him because…OH MY KNEE!  I mean…OH (Shawn Michael’s) KNEE!  Shawn’s knee falls apart again and he falls over.  Dave runs over and gives Benoit a hug to celebrate while Orton gets the pin.  Michaels tries to crawl over to bite Benoit’s calf, but soon Triple H is out.  PEDIGREE TO BENOIT!  PEDIGREE TO MICHAELS!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  HHH has cleared the ring of all his adversaries.  Dave feels left out so he cries.

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Evolution is backstage….

HHH:  I’m so glad to be hanging out with my good friends here in Escalator!
RO:  Ow…that’s Evolution, jerk.
HHH:  PEDI….
RF:  Go easy on him, champ!  WOO!  He’s just a kid.
HHH:  Pfft.  Whatever.  I’m going to watch my tape of the Oscars.  I heard some movie about midgets won.  What a crazy messed up world this is, huh?
DBD:  Can I WATCH?
HHH:  Sure.  Everybody in Restitution can watch!  Except Orton.
DBD:  YAY!  Eat my dust, RANDY!

Dave holds a bag over Orton’s head while HHH tries jamming the tape into the DVD player.  Finally he hits the whole works with a sledgehammer and turns on the TV.  Mick Foley is arriving at the arena.

HHH:  What the crap is this crap?  Randy, did you tape Foley stuff for your feud over my Oscars tape?
RO:  Mm!  Ma mrrr!
HHH:  Dave, let him talk.
RO:  *pant* No…*wheez* I swear.
HHH:  That means…Mick Foley must have taped over my tape in a dastardly maneuver set to negatively affect my psyche before my big match at WrestleMania.
RF:  Why…I oughta take his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOO!
HHH:  Hey!  Watch the fat boy talk, buster.  I…I just need to watch my carbs better is all.
RO:  Guys.  I think that’s a live picture.  Mick is just getting here now.
HHH:  No, dumbass, because THIS is the live picture.

HHH flips the channel so that it shows Evolution watching Evolution watching Evolution watching Evolution….

RVD:  Woah!  Far out!
HHH:  I’m feelin’ woozy.

HHH falls over.  Everybody looks at Orton.

RO:  Finally.  Geez.

Out in the ring, it’s time for the PEEP SHOW!  It IS Lent after all.  What did YOU give up?  I gave up playing Kazoo.  Even Air Kazoo.  Chris Tian has the mic.

CT:  Welcome to the Peep Show.  Tonight’s Peep Show is brought to you by the fine folks at Just Born Inc.  It seems that both Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus are out with injuries.  I guess that leaves it to me to build up our WrestleMania match.  But let’s face it, you’re buying the show already anyway, so I could come out here and talk about fruit or something, and nobody would care.  My favorite fruit is Kiwi.  Not KweeWee…actually, you know what, I’m going to change my answer.  My favorite fruit is most definitely KweeWee.  Unfortunately, Alan Funk….”

Jericho runs out and starts beating up Chris Tian for wasting air time, and then is entranced by the “Jeb Fears Pants” sign and begins slowly drifting out of the ring when Christian tips one of the columns on top of Jericho and runs away.

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Outside, Austin’s Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice is on a truck headed for Smackdown.  CONTINUITY ERROR~!  Brock Lesnar gets out of the truck.  “You see, Steve Austin, without your Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice, Steve Austin, you’re all out of luck, Steve Austin.  All this bad stuff that’s happening to you, Steve Austin, it’s because of, me, Steve Austin, Brock Lesnar, Steve Austin.  And you know what Steve Austin, I, Steve Austin, Brock Lesnar, Steve Austin, do not take kindly to violations of indoor traffic laws, Steve Austin.  So, Steve Austin, I, Brock Lesnar, Steve Austin, am bringing this Power Wheels of Great Justice, YOUR Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice, Steve Austin, to Smackdown, Steve Austin.  My, Brock Lesnar’s, Steve Austin, Smackdown, Steve Austin.  May I, Brock Lesnar, Steve Austin, suggest that you get a more appropriate Segway Scooter of Xtreme Justice, Steve Austin?

HHH is getting into a car.  The rest of Evolution isn’t far behind.

DBD:  Where are you GOING?  Do not leave US!
HHH:  I’m not going to take any of this guff from Orton any more!  We’ll see how well Resurrection does without me for the rest of the night.  Huh?  How about that.
RO:  Fine with me.
RF:  Fine with…Don’t listen to him, champ.  We need you!  WOO!
HHH:  Listen, I formed this group so that you guys could worship ME, the god of all things Wrestling.  But now I suspect insubordination in the ranks of Inclusion, and I don’t like it one bit.  Think long and hard about whose side you’re REALLY on.
DBD:  I’m on YOURS!
RF:  Me too!  Screw Orton!
RO:  Hey!
HHH:  No, no.  You guys have your fun tonight.  I’m going to go have my own UmpaLumpaLution party without you guys.  Have a great time while I’m having sex with all you’re old ladies.

HHH drives off.

RF:  That was supposed to be MY job.
DBD:  Now look at the trouble we are in because of you, RANDY!
RO:  What?  All he did was fall over.  Geez.

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Matt Hardy and Test v. Booker T and Rob Van Dam

This is NOT for the WWE World Tag Team titles, because God forbid the champions defend their titles.  RVD defies the man this week by rolling his eyes and the stupendously long intro he is given by Lillian.  Matt Hardy apparently has a lot of money.  Unfortunately, Jeff keeps stealing it so that he can buy little inflatable dinosaurs to inhabit his Imagi-Nation…I mean backyard…I mean whatever the hell Jeff always rambles about.  Wouldn’t you hate to be his girlfriend?  Don’t you squeal at me.  Think about it. 

JH:  Hey, honey, tonight Imagi tells me that we’re going to gorge ourselves on raw mackerel, thin mints and the unpasteurized milk of a virgin penguin.  Then we will bask in the warm glow of Imagi’s burning light while I read you poems.
GF:  Uh….
JH:  Let me read you a poem now.

Deep Inside.
Deep.  Inside.
Deepinside.
Imagi Calls.
Do I answer?
I have no voice.
No.  Voice.
Novoice.
Novice.
No.  Vice.
No Vice in Imagi’s Nation.
I am without a voice.
I am without a vice.
I am.
2Xtreme.

GF:  I’m going to go jump in the volcano.

I lost track of this match.  I think Booker won.  Booker.  Won.  Bookerwon.  Booker.  One.  One match.  One Wrestlemania.  Wrestle.  Mania.  Mania.  To be crazy.  Crazy for wrestling.  I am crazy for wrestling.  Because.  I am.  2Xtreme.

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Mick Foley is out, but before he can cut what was surely to be another meandering promo, he is interrupted by the Interruption…I mean Evolution.  Orton says that while Foley has no friends, Orton has two really great friends right here.  Flair and Batista look at the ground and slump their shoulders.  Foley says that while he may not have any friends in back, he knows five very special individuals who do!

Booker T:  Earth!  Suuuuuuckaaaaaa!
Kane:  FIRE!

Terri “Fyre” Byrne dances out.  The Nitro Girls are SO proud!

Kane:  That’s uh…not what I meant.

Kane starts Terri on fire.  Both of them.  Just for fun.

Trish:  Wind, eh!
Orton:  Woah, woah woah.  Aren’t you supposed to be “injured”.
Trish:  Well, I’m the only WWE RAW girl of any ethnicity.
Gail, Jazz, Jackie:  EHEM!
Trish:  You don’t count.
Gail, Jazz, Jackie:  Oh.
Orton:  Ok.  Just wondering.
Trish:  It’s cool.
Booker:  Isn’t it supposed to be Viiiind, you clueless blond?
Trish:  I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be “Earth, Suckaaaaaaaaa.”
Booker:  Touché.
Victoria:  WATER!
TOMMY F’N DREAMER:  HEART, BIATCH!
Booker:  Tommy, man, that some lame ass power.
Tommy:  Hey!  Shut up.  I don’t see “Earth” ever helping out.
Booker:  He loses all his matches, but he sure does have HEART!
Trish:  AHAHAHAHAHA!
Kane:  Shouldn’t Triple H be “water”?  Or the Undertaker?
Booker:  Nah, man, it’s gotta be a brunette chick.  I lobbied for that hotty Josh Matthews but Vince wasn’t having it.
Victoria:  This is all pretty lame anyway, can we just get this over with?
Tommy:  What the hell?  We went through the whole shtick.  Come on, where is he?
Mick:  Guys, you added a bunch of stuff, I think you just have to go through the whole shtick.
Booker:  Ok.  Ok.  EARTH!
Kane:  FIRE!
Trish:  WIND!
Victoria:  WATER!
Tommy:  HEART 

…

Booker:  What the crap?
Ric:  I think it’s TRISH BY GOD STRATUS WOOO!  That’s screwing you up.
Trish:  What?
Dave:  You’re supposed to be RUSSIAN!
Trish:  Geez.  Ok.  One more time.
Booker:  EARTH!
Kane:  FIRE!
Trish:  “VIIIIND!”
Victoria:  WATER!
Tommy:  HEART!
The Rock:  BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN HOLLYWOOD!

He’s BACK AND HE’S ALIVE!

Tommy:  That’s it?
Booker:  All that work, and we got…Maven?!  F’N MAVEN?!  His ass isn’t even blue!
Trish:  I am NOT getting paid enough for this crap.
Victoria:  You’ll bark like a dog though.
Trish:  That was different.  Way totally different.  Kinda.
Kane:  I’m going out to burn things, whose with me.
The “Planeteers”:  Off we go!

The Rock and Foley fight with Batista and Orton while Flair bails.  Rock has a weird “gay biker” thing going on for his new movie.  Maybe it’s the evil goatee that’s throwing me off.  Flair gets into it with Erin, but she chops him and he begs off.  The night ends with Rock holding Batista and Orton above his head.

The Rock:  We’ve really cleaned up this TRASH, Mick.  But remember, kids, the POWER IS YOURS!

I hope it was worth all that trouble to bring him back to life.

Next Week:  The Rock fights a half eaten bag of Chex Mix that somebody left on the floor.  The Road To WrestleMania nears conclusion as the Undertaker panics and asks Molly if he can borrow her hair when she’s done with it.  Steve Austin, distraught with the loss of the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice will steal one of Eddie’s Low Riders and ram into Bischoff until he gets the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice back.

See you…then…I guess.  This retirement stuff is hard work.

E-MAIL MATT    
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